Title: Therapy
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Olivia talks to her therapist about her husband's reaction to her pregnancy test results and the implications it has for their relationship. A O/S of the therapist office scene in Wednesday's child.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. My stories are not EO and never will be. You may want to read some of my other ones for context on the characters in this AU first - though, it's likely fairly self-explanatory on its own too.
SPOILER WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR WHEN ROLLERCOASTER IS COMPLETED. I'VE BOLDED AND ITALICS THE SECTION THAT CONTAINS THE LARGEST SPOILER SO YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU WISH.
"That sounds challenging," Dr. Lindstrom said.
"I can handle the job," Olivia reaffirmed. "I just wasn't prepared for the caretaking. Everybody needs my attention. If I focus on one, then the other acts out."
"The boss is often a parent figure. They may be projecting feelings towards their mothers onto you," the psychiatrist said. Olivia knew she made a face. Or more she paused. She knew she'd been too distracted so far in the session and he'd picked up on that. "What's up Olivia?"
"Nothing," she said instinctively but she sighed. "I wasn't going to mention it. But these last few days I thought I was pregnant." She saw the way he was looking at her. "I held off on taking the test," she clarified.
"Until today?" It was a question but she knew it was a statement of fact.
"It turns out that I'm not," she said. "It's just … umm … I guess I should be relieved, right? Will is."
"Instead of talking about how he feels and how you should feel, can you tell me how you do feel?" Lindstrom pressed. She hated when he did that. But she also knew it was what she was paying him for. The big bucks.
"These last few days … waiting … thinking that door wasn't closed, I … ah … just imagined this whole other life. This … do-over. A fresh beginning," she said and she felt the sting of tears. She hated even more when she cried at their sessions. She hadn't for a few weeks. But it looked like that streak was about to end.
"A do-over?" Lindstrom pressed.
Olivia sighed again and fought to hold back the tears in her already embarrassingly glassy eyes. "I know it's not a good word choice."
"It is if you feel it is the best word choice to describe what you're thinking and feeling," Lindstrom said. "I'd just like to understand what you mean by it."
She shook her head and looked up to the ceiling for a moment. "It's just that … sometimes … I feel like Noah hasn't gotten to have a very normal childhood. I've tried to give him that. But it just hasn't been. Not with his leukemia. And now with all of this …"
"How is Noah doing these days?" Lindstrom asked.
She swiped under her eyes and tried to refocus herself. "He's doing OK. He's strong. Stronger than me I think a lot of the times."
"Or maybe he derives his strength from his mother and by example," Lindstrom suggested. She allowed him a thin smile for that effort but she still felt like she was going to cry and it was hard. "Is still seeing his therapist as well?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah," she agreed. "He hates it."
Lindstrom made a small face at that comment. "But do you feel it is helping him?"
She shrugged. "I think so. … I hope so."
She swiped at her eyes again and further fought to compose herself. She could feel Lindstrom examining her and felt like she was more under the microscope than she even usually felt.
"Have you and Will talked about expanding your family before this week?" Lindstrom asked gently after giving her a moment.
She snorted and shook her head. "Will and I … don't fight. Not really. But the biggest … discussions … arguments … we've had have been around whether we were going to try to expand our family."
"And Will doesn't want to have another child?"
Olivia shrugged. "Not really. But it's … more complicated than that. The last time we talked about it … seriously … Noah was still in long-term maintenance and we'd previously said that we weren't going to try until … after he was … better. That we didn't have the time or energy … or money to deal with another child. But … he was doing well and I felt like we were running out of time to try. We were running out of time to try," she sighed. But she shook her head. "But that was just another reason he didn't want to try. Our age. He was so afraid about potential complications it might create for a child … and how hard it would be to deal with a special needs child when Noah already needed us so much. And he's … just … happy with Noah. He loves our family and he loves Noah. And he was so … scared that he'd love the children differently or feel differently about them. Or that … Noah would feel left out."
"Because he's not your son's biological father?"
"Yeah," Olivia allowed quietly.
"So when you and Will were having these conversations, it was you who wanted another child?"
Olivia gave him a thin smile. "I just … I love my son. For a long time I never even imagined I'd have the chance to have a second child. But … after being with Will … and there being that opportunity," she shook her head. "I grew up as an only child … and Will's family is so … big. I know his relationship with his brothers isn't prefect and I know there'd be an age gap … but then if something happened … when we get older … just knowing Noah wouldn't be alone. I wanted that for him."
She felt herself tearing again and shook her head. "And it wasn't just that. There were selfish parts too. The … wanting the opportunity to have a child who got a childhood. Getting to be a mom where it didn't involve … doctors and hospitals and chemotherapy. Even just … I love Will. Just getting to see him in a … person we created together. Having the father there during the pregnancy and at the delivery and with the baby. Getting to see and experience and share that. I wanted that for myself too. I wanted it for him. I wanted Will to get to have that and share it with me and a child."
"When did you last have these conversations? Was it recently?"
She shook her head and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "This was about two years ago. It's come up since then. But …" She shrugged.
"So you both ultimately decided not to expand your family?"
Olivia sighed and gave another little shrug. "Noah got sick again. Our focus shifted back to dealing with the child we had. That's where it needed to be. Where it should be."
"Until this week," he offered, "and there was the possibility of a … do-over?"
She gave him a thin smile for that effort.
"It sounds like with where you and Will were at in these previous conversations – that they didn't entirely get resolved. You just had to move on."
Olivia allowed a small nod. "I think that's part of it. It's really brought back some of the discussions and arguments we had around it before. But these last few days." She shook her head and looked at the ceiling again. "When I told him there was even a possibility … he just seemed to distance himself from me. And then today on the phone … just the relief in his voice …"
She felt the tears stinging at the back of her eyes.
"He hurt you," Lindstrom suggested.
She hated the idea of saying Will hurt her but she allowed a small nod. "But he's right. Right now. This would be an awful time for us to be pregnant. Just … the promotion and the stress and … the assault. Where we all are in recovering from that … And we didn't get any younger," she tried to offer as a joke but a choked sob crept out with it and she looked down.
"Are you going to be able to talk to Will about how this week has made you feel?" Lindstrom asked. "Would you like to practice some conversation prompts or what you might like to say to him?"
She shook her head and tried again to tuck away a piece of her hair that was just too short to stay behind her ear. "Will and I aren't communicating very well lately," she admitted. "He's been really shut down since the trial. It was hard on him."
"It was hard on you too," Lindstrom said.
She just allowed a small nod. "He just heard things that … he's struggling with having heard. Or how they were cast. Whether they were true or not."
"Is he still seeing a counselor?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," Olivia allowed quietly but she now was examining the seam of her pants where her knee was resting against the couch.
"I think we both understand that Will shutting down or pushing you away isn't going to help either of you," Lindstrom said.
"I know," Olivia said.
"Are you still going to the couples therapist?" he asked.
Olivia let out a small snort and looked up at him and a little nod. "Yes, we go there too. My family is effectively having our heads shrunk every day of the week."
He gave her a thin smile for the facetious comment. "How's that going? Does Will participate?"
She sighed and went back to the examination of her seam. "Not really lately."
She could feel Lindstrom examining her. "Do you think you both might benefit if we did a few joint sessions here?"
She met his eyes and really shook her head at that. "No," she said quietly. "He doesn't want to come here."
"Why not?" Lindstrom asked.
She shrugged. "He thinks I talk about him and you have … some preconceived opinion of him."
"You really talk about him very little, Olivia," the doctor said. "You haven't mentioned Will more than in passing for the our last several sessions."
She allowed him a small glance at that comment. She tried not to dwell on her family. They weren't the problem. Or that's what she told herself.
"I've learned with you, Olivia," Lindstrom said, "that you often skirt the issue that is really bothering you and try to direct our sessions onto a different topic. That it's not unless I hit on it that you will talk or open up about it. But when I do, I often feel that it's what you really wanted to talk about all along."
"I don't like talking about Will here," she said quietly, "and I know that he doesn't like the idea that I'm talking about him."
Lindstrom nodded. "OK. But these sessions are for you. Not him. And, he's an important part of your life. Your husband. And, you all went through an intensely traumatic experience. Even if he hadn't been victimized in the experience as well, I would expect that this would've had an impact on your relationship and marriage. And, that's worth talking about, Olivia."
She looked at him and let out a slow breath. "I don't know what to say about it."
"You said he's been withdrawn since the trial. How's that manifesting itself at home?"
She sighed and shrugged. "He's just … quiet." She thought for a moment and then looked at him. "Will … bottles a lot of his emotions. We had … problems with it earlier in our relationship. He wouldn't tell me that something was bothering him. He'd keep up a really good front. Then he'd just get … withdrawn. And then … he'd blow up at me. Sometimes he had good reason to. But it's just … he has a temper. I think … he bottled a lot after May. He just … was so focused on Noah and I and trying to piece our family back together. And … I wasn't really there for him and what he went through for a while. And … he bottled. He blew up during the trial. I think he's still coming down from it."
"By pushing you away?"
She shrugged. "Maybe he thinks he's protecting Noah and I."
"So he's distancing himself from your son as well?"
"He's just … quiet," Olivia said again. "He's likely a little depressed. I know he's upset he didn't get approved for sabbatical for this term. I had thought that was better. I was happy he wasn't. I didn't want him sitting around alone at home all day. But maybe that's what he really needed for his recovery."
Lindstrom nodded. "He could talk to his doctor about that. Given what he's been through, anxiety and depression are possibilities. If some time away from work is what he wants, or thinks he needs, he might be able to get a medically-approved leave."
Olivia sighed and shrugged. "That would involve him … talking to people. That's not really happening right now."
Lindstrom looked. "OK. So Will isn't interested in being an active participant in a conversation right now. But would he be willing to listen? Can you express to him your worries about him and his mental health? Can you tell him how all this – his behavior and actions – is affecting you?"
"It just … feels … too complicated right now," she said.
"What's complicated about it, Olivia?"
She sighed even harder and ran her hand through her hair and looked back to Lindstrom. "I guess maybe I feel like Will and I are on different pages right now in our recovery and … with where we want our relationship to be or what we want it to look like."
"Because of his reaction to the pregnancy test?"
She felt the tears sting again and pushed at her hair more. "It's complicated," she managed to get out again without her voice cracking too badly.
"So give me a good challenge," Lindstrom said with a gentle smile. "Try me."
She sighed and shook her head and found herself looking beyond the doctor again and at her favorite spot on the wall. "This is going to sound so stupid," she muttered.
"Stop," Lindstrom said gently. He was always countering her self-censorship and self-criticism.
She gave him a thin smile as she met his eyes. "When I told him I might be pregnant, his initial response was, 'How did that happen?'"
Lindstrom continued his small smile at her. "Maybe we need to expand the parameters of the talk we need to have with Will," he offered.
She allowed the comment to tug slightly at the corners of her mouth. "I know. I had wanted to yell at him, 'You were there. How do you think it happened?'"
Lindstrom allowed a muted chortle at that and allowed her a little nod with the continued smile.
"I never thought I'd have to have the 'is it mine' conversation with my husband. What is it that makes men seem to think they are allowed to always ask that? Or at least apparently the fathers of my children seem to think it's a perfectly acceptable question. Because I must give off some vibe that … what? I don't even know."
"His comment was hurtful," Lindstrom provided the obvious in his continued prompting to try to get her to spill her guts out and she was obliging.
"It was," she allowed with a sigh. "But at the same time I knew it was just … him … and how he is right now … not picking his words very well. Not thinking before he speaks. And, then maybe it was a perfectly legitimate question. I wasn't too sure how it happened either."
"Do I need to have that talk with both of you?" Lindstrom tried, though she could hear the cautiousness in how it put it. He was treading carefully. Weighing if he should proceed by offering a small tease or if he needed to revert back to the seriousness.
"Will and I aren't doing very well in that department either," Olivia said drily and found that spot on the wall again to offer another headshake.
Lindstrom let out a slow breath and looked at her carefully. "Has this come up during your couples sessions?"
Olivia let out a breath. "He definitely doesn't want to talk about that either. Especially at therapy."
"OK," Lindstrom nodded. "If he isn't comfortable talking about it in a couples session, I can get you referred to a sex therapist who can specifically help you address those challenges."
Olivia let out a small laugh. "He definitely won't agree to that," she said and made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "The therapist gave us exercises to try anyways."
Lindstrom nodded again. "And how's that going?"
Olivia sighed and shrugged. "We read them. We sort of tried one. Will and I … that's just … not us."
"If they help Olivia," Lindstrom said gently. "That part of your life is going to be a process in your recovery just as much as everything else."
"It's definitely a process," she said under her breath and then sighed louder. "And … it's a stupid …"
"Stop," he said again.
She looked at him and let out another breath. "It doesn't make sense for me to be frustrated about it, because I'm part of the problem."
"It's not you that's the problem, Olivia," he said firmly. "This is something that takes time after what you've been through. Everyone is different."
Olivia sighed. "Part of me feels … ready … to try to get our relationship back to a more normal place. I … don't know how it will go. Maybe I'm not as ready as I think. But Will's clearly not ready … and since the trial …" she shook her head.
"I'm sure you know that communication is a huge part of a marriage and the couple's ability to maintain their relationship in the bedroom," he said.
"I just … miss what we had," she said quietly and a little embarrassed. She felt so ridiculous talking about this with another man and sharing this part of her life with her therapist.
"But if you are having difficulty communicating right now – for whatever reason – it's going to make re-establishing your sexual relationship with your husband that much harder," Lindstrom said.
Olivia allowed a quiet shake in her breath. "I feel like we haven't even been trying. At least before we were trying. We had intimacy even if we had to stop. He'd … hold me. Now he's just …"
She felt the tears sting again at a level that she knew that they were pressing to come out and she reached up to wipe at them.
"It makes me feel like he heard something there and he's … decided he can't be with me. Or he doesn't want me anymore. I'm damaged," she said quietly.
"Don't catastrophize, Olivia. I can't imagine what Will would've heard there that would convince him of any of those things. He's been with you during this process. He was with you in the hospital following your abduction and assault. He helped care for you in the days and weeks following. He knows what happened physically. Dealing with the mental and emotional aspects can be harder and more hidden – but he's been there so far too."
"It's just with how things have been this month … I don't know how our relationship is going to survive this," she said.
"It sounds like right now both of you need some additional support to help him get over the bump he is at. You'll both have bumps along the way, Olivia. It might cause some loss in progress. But it's also part of the process."
"I don't know," she muttered at a near whisper.
"Has he said something to make you think your relationship is in jeopardy? Or are you basing this entirely on his behavior right now?"
Olivia sighed and just looked at him. She eyes were watering so much she could hardly see him.
"I would have to see Will and talk to you both to give a solid opinion," Lindstrom said. "But my impression is that your husband is a very private person and he has a tendency to internalize. You aren't unlike in that, Olivia. At this point, I wouldn't read much further into his behavior other than he's been through a lot too and he is struggling with his recovery. Maybe he's reached a stalling point or a bottleneck in it for a variety of different reasons. But that's something we can get you resources to help your family through."
Olivia couldn't bring herself to respond. She just sat there trying to keep her emotions in check. The silence drew out to the point of discomfort.
"Unless it's you who is questioning the relationship?" Lindstrom put forward.
"Will's not the kind of man who would leave," she choked out and a tear trickled down her cheek. She swiped at it. "But I don't want him to feel trapped and like he has to stay through this mess. If we aren't working …"
"If you express that to him," Lindstrom suggested, "he may be able to tell you about what he wants and where he is at in the relationship. You deserve to hear that from him, Olivia. Even if you're afraid of what the answer might be."
She shook her head and swiped at another tear. "That's just it. I don't want to hear the answer. Because I can't imagine him not being in my life."