If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do - Tonic
If You Could Only See
Late night conversations on the phone was not how Mark liked to end things.
The last time he had see Addison, she had been there with her dying (at the time) brother, Archer. That felt like a lifetime ago, even if it was just months. At the time, his relationship with Lexie was still new, and not so much of a relationship as a huge secret, and perhaps he had felt an old spark of something when he looked into her eyes. Addison was that person. She was the person that made him screw over his best friend, the person that first made him believe in love, the person that aborted his baby and then acted like it wasn't such a big deal.
Once, she had been his person, but that was years ago, even if it didn't feel like it sometimes. Now, after the walls were so high that he couldn't even see her red head because he was into a brunette, she called. It was late, and Lexie was already in bed for the night because rounds came early, even as a resident. Standing out in the hallway of his apartment building, his phone pressed so hard to his ear that it hurt, betrayal cut through his chest like a knife.
"Addison, I have to go-"
"I love you, Mark. I love you! You love me, too, remember?"
Her voice was clear over the phone. Hysterical, almost. Once, those words would have caused a warm emotional to bubble over in his chest, feeling every hole that was present, but now, it only caused a cold discomfort that was lodged somewhere in his throat. Addison only ever called him when there was no one else. He was her long standing "last resort". Whenever Derek had missed a dinner, or called to say that he would miss their anniversary, Mark was the stand-in. Now, when her best friend wasn't there, he was just playing the part of her shoulder to cry on, even when she was clear across the States.
"… that was a long time ago, Addison. I've moved on. I have Lex-"
"You wouldn't have answered the phone if you didn't care, Mark-"
She was right, of course. He answered because, in some way, Addison would always have that heart-breaking effect on him. She had broken him, and Lexie Grey was the one who gently took the pieces and put them back together. His blue eyes closed, thinking of the warm bed that was just beyond his reach right at this moment.
"I care, Addison. I care because you were a first for me. The first time I let myself get wounded. The first time I offered to care. The first time that the word 'love' was thrown around like it was something filthy. I care, Addison, and under different circumstances, I might have loved you still, but I have Lex, and if you could see her eyes when she tells me that she loves me… you would understand why I am going to hang up on you. I'll be a friend, Addie, but I'm not going to be interested in anything else. This is the only way."
When the phone went dead in her hand, Addison felt like a complete fool for trying to win back something that was, in the end, never really hers… because saying 'I love you' to Mark had never meant I love you.
Author: At the end, for once. I haven't been inspired to write anything for a long time, and I was thinking of a Mark/Addison/Lexie thing when I heard this song on youtube by Boyce Avenue and I was just... inspired. It's short, and Mark might not be all the way in character, but I love it... because it's just... something I wrote when I haven't been inspired in forever. Please review.