I love Wreck-It Ralph, and still after a while I watched it for the first time. It contains some Felix/Calhoun fluff, but mostly just humor. I've read many "Felix-Gets-Drunk" fics, so I obviously lack originality. Very well, let me strengthen it then! *holds up fist with a dorky face*
Sigh...just enjoy and I hope you laugh.
Disclaimer: Come on, you already know I don't own Wreck-It Ralph. We're on a fanfiction site, for the love of Miyamoto.
The four of them; Ralph, Vanellope, Felix and Calhoun were on their way to Tapper's. The noisy horse laughter from inside the bar, obviously the owners of the voices were drunk. They thought of if they should have left Vanellope outside, but as her stubborness was more strong than the danger, they didn't really see they had a choice but to let her tag along. Besides, what could some couple of guys do to a glitch teleporting master...
Vanellope gave the other three a short look, before glitching away and appearing before the entrance.
"Gosh, you're so sloooow..." Mewling made the three adults feel on the edge of wanting to make her stay outside the bar, in hence not vex the other programs. When they didn't see her anymore after another flash of a glitch bomb, they considered she was inside. Ralph cupped his unsettled frown in his large palm, Felix put a hand on his colleague's back (since Ralph was too tall).
"Brother, it'll be fine. A night out can't cause a riot." The good guy of their game assured. It calmed Ralph a little, knowing his colleague has always been optimistic. Calhoun wore the same tense facial expression standing next to them, not that either had anything against it. Especially Felix had seen her soft side several times, after getting to know her better than Ralph. Or himself for that matter.
They entered the bar, got Vanellope who was babbling with one of the soldiers from Halo and ordered their drinks. Calhoun nudged her husband; trying to persuade him into taking something not completely alcohol-free for once. She knew very well about his fear of alcohol, it had a certain effect on him he didn't want to show, because it was not pretty.
"Come on, Fix-it. Just have a beer. ONE beer. Then I'll leave you happy." Calhoun begged, taking a sip on the cocktail she had ordered. Felix shuddered as he squirmed on the bar stool.
"N-no ma'am...it's no good idea...I-I'll just have chocomilk or something...something to drive me away from poison-related stuff." Felix indicated, him being lucky when Tapper heard it without being asked.
"Coming right up!" He informed as Calhoun shot her husband a swift glare.
"Alcohol is no poison, just a sign of your manliness. I thought little babies swallowed up your your kind of taste...small ones, keep that in mind." Felix look of worry made her soften. "I don't mean that I don't love you. But I wish you could just break the shell of your nerves. Trust me on this one." His wife finished. Thinking he couldn't get out of this statement, he tried to get eye contact with Ralph for help. But his colleague gave him the same look as Calhoun, making his stomach knot up.
"Here you go." Tapper said, handing over a huge chocolate milk shake on the bar counter, ice cold. Felix reached inside his pockets but Tapper's hand gesture of a stop sign made him stop on his way.
"On the house, Felix. A good guy like you deserve ease at least once in a lifetime." Tapper brieved while wiping the bar counter with a cloth. The handyman took the glass closer to himself and gulped. "Th-thank you." He nodded politely, taking a sip.
Calhoun rolled her eyes and rested her chin on the palm of her hand. Denial was not considered a word when it came for her love to Felix, but...she just wished he could break the tense and live for once. Was it too much to ask? Another thing; shouldn't Felix be the one to tell her to relax? He was warm, kind and polite while she was tense, strict and straight-up. In their job business that is. She didn't know how to think outside really; but it seemed to come natural for them to have other kinds of personalities others didn't care to notice.
Then suddenly, it came to her. Felix was talking with Ralph about their day and he was turned away from his drink. Calhoun could feel devil horns on her head as she evilly plotted about. She took her almost drunk up cocktail and poured the rest into Felix's glass. She had seen him drunk on one occasion a long time ago and it had been a hilarious sight. At the time she had promised herself to keep him away from beer, but right on this moment no resistance was taking place on the whole. She stiffened when she saw Ralph doing what she did, but playfully put a finger to her lips to keep him quiet. He grinned subtly as a sign he didn't want appeal.
Then the little program took the glass and drank a huge slurp. Certain things were with no doubt heading south as he hiccuped the first time of the night, his speaking ability becoming down at heel.
"Milady...wha-*hic* did you put in the chocomilk? It musta' been you!" Ralph silently chuckled as he watched the hero of their game as much as a little drunk in front of them. Vanellope hadn't said a word since they arrived; as she had been busy gobbling up her ice-cream she ordered. Tapper almost sold anything.
Even though he had just blurted out his suspicion, he did kind of a conflicting move against himself as he took another quaff. His eyes fell half-lidded as hiccups escaped his mouth more often and louder, leaving a violently giggling Calhoun beside him, and a smirking Ralph on the other side of him. He threw himself over the counter, being more drunk than a few minutes ago.
"I hate you guys..." He murmured, stretching his arms out. He leaned over to Ralph, nudging him playfully on the side.
"Not you bro, you're my best friend. I love you so much, man." The smaller program snuggled up on the wrecker, Ralph trying to shake him off. "Felix, please...I-I need some room...Take room from your wife instead, sound good?" Felix snorted and jerked back (completely ignoring Ralph's statement, might I add), then he pointed at the glass.
"You didn't answer my darn question, pardon my language...who put the alcohol into my childhood drink?!" Neither of the two adults replied, making his mood turn upside-down, to confused, to utterly pissed off, to crying sadness. Ralph let out a sigh, coming with a false suggestion.
"Maybe Tapper just wanted to kid around and pulled a prank on you." In the fast move of sitting up wobbly, his hat swayed to the side as he drunkenly exclaimed his friend's suggestion.
"A-HA! Perhaps that's why he offered the drink for free! As a cheap, dumb practical joke. *hic* Ughh...that bastard...forgive my..." He said before smashing his head in the counter falling asleep.
Calhoun took off his hat and ruffled his hair tenderly. "You see why I married this guy? He's just too adorable." Calhoun sighed dreamily.
"Am I supposed to agree? Because it would seem weird if I did..." Ralph told her, casting a glance at Vanellope who was still devouring her ice-cream.
Calhoun gave off a short laughter.
"I think I'll have another." She changed the subject, raising her voice so Tapper could hear her.
"Hey, barman lad! Another cocktail, pronto!" When no one replied, she put on her strict frown she always wore at work. She could not see him anywhere, so she assumed he was in the wine cellar.
"Did you forget to clean your ears? I said-" SLAM! The door crashed into the wall when Tapper bolted out in shock, shaking his head which no one had a idea what it was about. "Tapper! What's it to you?" Ralph called out to him. Tapper turned to Ralph and ran off to him, grabbing his collar and pulled him down eye to eye level.
"The wine...the alcohol...the beer...e-everything's...GONE!" Tapper let go of Ralph who was way too thankful for that move. The barman kept on shaking his head in panic.
"I went to get some more, but...I just went inside...i-it was all GONE! FLIPPING VANISHED! BEGONE!" Tapper hid his face in his hands.
"I-I don't have time to store new drinks! The obvious will come about! He's gonna pull it!" Tapper cried.
"Like the one you pulled on me, douche bag?!" Calhoun and Ralph turned to see Felix awake again, as the earlier sleeping mode had been lightweight. The handyman climbed up on the counter and stood on it, pointing his index finger at Tapper.
"You put alcohol in my drink, didn't you! I'm sorry, but...I-I must *hic* kill you!" Talking thick, he sprung towards Tapper who yelped in surprise. Ralph came to his rescue and caught a hold of Felix, while Calhoun tried to give him reassuring words.
"Short stack, it was me who did...I-"
"LIES!"
SLAM! The second door smash that day. Everyone's attention turned to the exit and everyone gasped in confusion.
It was several toads from Super Mario, and Chaos from Sonic the Hedgehog. They wore sun glasses as to hide their eye expressions. Bad guys had a good use of that method, and Ralph knew this was not a good sign. Vanellope sent off a confused frown at the sight, approaching Ralph and held onto his arm for dear life. They all held briefcases and had costumes and ties on, and added to that mischief looks on their faces.
"We're the Game Stars Mafia. Hand over the rest of the alcohol you've got now, Tapperman!" The leader toad shouted at the owner of the bar. Calhoun held a grip on her gun on the back; preparing herself for an unexpected onset. Felix was too drunk to pay attention and tried to count the months with his fingers.
"I-I don't have anything left! I swear!" The barman raised up his hands in defense, preparing for a possible attack that might happen. Ralph held Vanellope in an embrace as everyone's hearts sped up; it was easy to be afraid at this point. Well, except for Felix in this case, he just thought they were up for a game of Russian Roulette...
"You're lying!" The leader toad yelled, and as if on cue the chaos charged up their AK-47s, because Tapper was walking on the road to trigger their leader's fury. Not good at all. Calhoun scanned the room in case someone as likely as not would try to sneak out, much to her worry. It could be risky for every being in this room. To her relief, no one had moved a flinch as the event taking place had struck them all on the spot.
Calhoun noticed her drunk husband had fallen asleep once again, and hit the top of his head to wake him up. Felix woke up, slurring out curses under his breath, that turned into sheepish perplexity of not knowing what to make of the terrified programs around him.
"November...?" Felix questioned, falling of the bar stool and landed roughly on the wood floor. Calhoun hid her face behind her right palm, embarrassment overtaking her.
"Dollface! Keep an eye on your man, will ya? You shouldn't jump the gun while we're around." This cue caught her by surprise, causing her to stiffen up and didn't build up any nerve to reply. Instead she took a firm grip on Felix's shirt and lifted him up on the bar stool again, supporting his balance as he clung onto her. What Calhoun didn't take a note of was that Felix was glaring with full force on the toads and chaos.
"You do not speak to my wife like that." The handyman said severely, trying to hide his hiccups that threatened to come out and ruin his show-off.
"Pardon me? Come say that to my face, I quadruple dare you, motherf#%*er!" Said a chao beside their boss, who was dark blue and black with devil horns.
Calhoun was afraid of what might happen to Felix, and tried to stop him from walking over to them, but he just pushed her brutally aside and walked off flatly towards the group of criminals. Even though he was drunk, he pretty much succeeded to send them an iron glare, full of ill-tempered courage. Ralph knew this wasn't going to end well...
The handyman stared down at the chao, bent down face-to-face level and pressed their noses together in a challenging manner. "I said: You do not speak to my wife like that, you punk. And I do not sleep with my mother, thank you." The chao got caught off guard, and felt a pang of vague for a short second. The toad noticed this and came to the rescue.
"Yeah, saphead. What you gonna do 'bout it; dance?" The toad planned it to be a joking statement, but Felix actually formed an idea out of that.
"Correct."
The whole kit shared glances and looked like fat letter question marks. They prepared themselves ready for a fishy move as Felix reached his hand inside his coat, and as they all had tense gazes on him, he smirked as he took out a huge freaking radio (A/N: Remember, it's a movie, the logic is slapped shit), put it on the counter beside his eyebrow-raising friends and turned on the music.
The intro tunes of "Gangnam Style" started to leave the speakers and he began to do the "Fix-It Felix Dance" (A/N: You know, the dance he does in the movie before Ralph comes in). The toads' and chaos' eyes started to twirl like teleports and they began to dance like him.
"Fix-It Felix Style!" The all sang together as they did the move with the hitting hammer to their sides, and of course Felix used his golden hammer to do that. Ralph and Calhoun traded looks, but after a while they started to sway along and clapped in the rhythm of the music. Tapper, holding his hands on his head as defense, dared to peek up from the edge of the bar counter, and Vanellope jumped off it to dance along with them.
Soon everyone in the bar joined their little dance, and waved with invisible hammers looking like they hit the air, and jumped up and down.
"*Hic* All right, let's turn this place upside-down!"
Outside the arcade game, Litwak was greedily counting his money he earned this day, but got disturbed as he counted the pennies. "150...151...15-" He shoot the Tapper game a look of annoyance. "Dammit, you're making me lose count!"
Uh...back to program's point of views. Ralph and Calhoun were now dancing along, using air-hammers to hit the air like the others had done previously.
"Ey, dynamite gal!" Everyone shouted and Felix did a good attempt at leading them out, jumping backwards with the audible radio in his hold. "Alright everyone, this way!" The little program made them follow him like they were desperate of him, got them to follow him to the central game station. On the way they met a lot of passengers staring oddly at them, and other programs, like Bowser and Eggman, telling them to shut the buck up.
He took the toads back to their Mario game; throwing them in one by one when they were near the entrance, and did the same with the chaos at Sonic's game. When he had kicked the last chao's butt, he rubbed his hands together in a satisfied way and everyone cheered for him. Tapper bowed down before him and kissed his feet.
"Thank you so much, Fix-It Felix! You totally saved my butt back there!" Tapper hugged Felix's legs, making him feel slightly uncomfortable. "Yeah..err...c-cou-could you please..." None hinwith fondness over the little guy, but hit her own face in order to plaster his pokerface on.
Vanellope squeaked and ran around Felix in circles. "Sweet mother of monkey milk! That was so," she glitched and appeared on his shoulder, to his fright. "rad! You totally gotta do that again, mister! You rock!" Felix got the honeyglow at the compliment and became good friends with the floor. "Th-thanks, guys. It really wasn't that much." The wrecker got baffled at such a retort. "Nothing?! Bro, you freaking saved a guy from the Game Star Mafia! How could that be 'not much' to you?" Felix covered his cheeks. "Aww, stop it you, it really isn't necessary!" Then he gave a sly look to Calhoun. "Tammy, your turn." (A/N: Get the reference and I'll give you a cookie!)
"Now, that's enough, pant size, for one day. Let's crash at home, ok?" Calhoun sounded hard with an irritated voice, making Felix getting a glimmer of worry in his eyes. Had Tammy been ashamed of him? It looked pretty obvious due to the lack of admiration she offered to show. The handyman was now pretty much sure that he was going for a swollen lip at home, so he prepared his worst, keeping himself silent for their walk home. Tapper and the customers waved him good-bye, thanking for everything and something more along those lines, which Felix had a hard time focusing on, since he was worried about his wife being mad at him.
"So, what do you say we take a milkshake when we get to our place?" Ralph asked Vanellope, who was sitting on his shoulder happily.
"That question is out of question!" She laughed, Ralph smiling back at her fun with puns.
When they got inside the pent-house, the nicelanders had already went off to bed, leaving the four of them alone for a nightcap in the group of adults; except Vanellope, but as Ralph had promised, she was going to have milkshake (like she hadn't enough sweets for one day).
Ralph and Vanellope were in the kitchen, while Felix gulped and tried nervously to explain his earlier, childish behavior.
"Tammy, I...I know you may be ashamed of my image from this point on, and I'm s-" He was interrupted by Calhoun picking him up, them eye-to-eye level, and kissed him. The honeyglow once again returned to his cheeks; burning even more as what his wife did to him than the people's compliments from earlier.
She broke away and smiled at him. "You thought I would be ashamed of you? Why is that?" Felix was thrown at the words, and tried to form a sentence of pointless words. "W-well...I...I-I just thought that..."
"That me being stone-faced meant I felt embarrassed? Oh dear..." She hugged him close and dug her face into his neck, laughing. "I love you with every fiber of my being. Just ease off and be more self-confident. There is no way I would feel ashamed of you, not even if you ran around nude screaming: 'Look at my golden hammer!'" Felix stared at her, full with questions. "But...why would I..." "Aww, just kidding. Learn to take jokes and swallow them whole." Then she whispered something in his ear, making his stomach fluttery.
"Besides, I wanted your reward to be a surprise." Calhoun said suggestively, caring her blushing handyman bridal style and headed off to the bedroom. Vanellope and Ralph, who was going to tell them the drinks were ready, saw them leave the hall after they finished talking and knotted their eyebrows together.
"Hey, where you going? The kitchen's back here!" The little girl predicated, Ralph feeling himself wanting to just disappear at that moment. 'Oh boy' he thought. He knew very well where this was going...
"Vanellope, um...let's just go out and drink the milkshakes outside shall we?" Ralph suggested, trying to stir her away from her curiosity.
"But what are they up to?" Vanellope asked, biting her lip and looking up at Ralph.
"Uh, fixing something...?" He tried to save the situation, picking up Vanellope and walked outside with their milkshakes. Vanellope shrugged, making the wrecker breathe out in relief.
Technically, he wasn't really lying.
His little colleague was definitely fixing something.
Suggestive ending and references. *inserts Fluttershy voice* Yay. *cough*
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