Silent Mode

Sleep was Yuki's least favorite activity. Ever since his mom allowed Yuno to became a permanent house guest. Yuki had no alone time. His mom and Yuno got along swimmingly, spending time together chatting about video game concepts and the news. Sometimes Yuki would watch them converse in the family room, and every single time Yuno glanced at him and smiled. It was the same look of mania and obsession from when Yuno had run after Yuki as he fled from her house, when she gazed through the mail slot and told him good night. He still shuddered at the memory, and during the few precious moments of alone time, he stood under the showerhead or sat on the toilet and wondered exactly how Yuno had infiltrated his life so completely.

He already knew the answer: he was weak. Yuno's appearance forced him into active mode, and he had to relinquish all passive tendencies. For Yuki, this caused him an enormous amount of stress. He spent his days vacillating between wanting to stand up to Yuno to hiding in his room in a cocoon of covers. Even then she was there, checking up on him every ten minutes. She acted so normally, as if she didn't care that they could be hunted down and killed at any moment. He desperately wanted to talk to someone about this, he'd even settle for Kousaka, but Yuno's constant monitoring did not permit that. His friends, if he could call them that (seeing that Hinata and Mao tried to kill him), somewhat understood his situation, but it was obvious that they feared Yuno. Everyone who had seen that violent, abnormal side of her feared her. She was more than just a force of nature; she was a natural disaster.

Yet he cared for her, deeply. Her attentiveness and kindness helped head the hole left in his heart by the divorce. Part of him loved the fact that he had a girlfriend who would do anything and everything for him. It gave him a sick sense of power that both aroused and nauseated him. Sometimes, when he imagined the world after he became God, he specifically erased Yuno. She was not dead, but absent, and no one really cared. He had his family and friends; he no longer needed to worry about her, and he could become passive again. He could be safe. Yet as long as he had his Future Diary, and as long as he had her, he could not rest. He was protected from his own vulnerability, which only weakened him further.

The only defense Yuki had against his own frailty was his ability to observe to a T. The ever-present fear sharpened his senses, making him hyper aware of his surroundings; when he cloistered himself up in his room, he still paid close attention to his mother's conversations with Yuno and every sound and whisper in the house. Since Reisuke's attack he no longer found his home comforting. To him it was too much like a labyrinth that lacked an escape route. Of course Yuno would protect him, but at night when the house was dark and he was alone halfway down the hallway, heading to the bathroom, his mind always twisted the shadows and his former enemies appeared. The third owner, his old teacher, was a constant plague, following him while brandishing his machete. Yuki swore the weapon was real and glinted in the moonlight more than once, but as soon as he turned on the light in the bathroom or in the kitchen, the phantasm burst into nothing and he could relax. When awake, Yuki could observe everything, keep his thoughts on task and his senses sharp. Even though the boredom and the fear threatened to strangle him, he pried off their hands and pushed the anxiety down to his toes.

Sleep was when he was most vulnerable. Since Deus granted him the Future Diary, his dreams were plagued with recurring memories of his run-ins with the other owners. Sometimes the memories mixed, and his parents became his enemies, his mother in Minene's lolita garb and his father tightly grasping the leashes of dogs with metal jaws. In his subconscious, he was the focus, but he had no ability to counter the mental assaults. Most of the time he ran away, trying to muffle sobs, and found himself in unknown territory. Again, more mazes stumped him, and all he could do was sprint until his lungs collapsed and his muscles gave out. Always, his enemies reappeared in front or behind him like it was nothing and ended his life in excruciating ways. They never just destroyed his diary; he was never that lucky. Tenth's dogs ripped away his limbs, turning him into a meaty pulp. Minene forced him to swallow grenades and left him waiting in agony for hours before finally setting them off. Kurusu executed him assassin-style after shooting his kneecaps. Reisuke trapped him in a circle of fire and filled the area with gas. In every setting, be it city street alley or abandoned amusement park, any nightmarish landscape his mind could conjure up, Yuno was there, useless, eyes like a doll's. She never moved nor protested when the owners attacked her. She watched him die a million times.

To Yuki, sleep wasn't worth the torment. When he tried to sequester himself in the bathroom, the kitchen, even his closet, Yuno woke up and followed him, calling out to him in that sickly cute way of hers. On edge and terrified, Yuki fantasized about throwing her out, violently removing her from his home with the stern warning that she could never return. Instead, she always found his hiding place and brought him back to his room. Before, she attempted to soothe him, even singing lullabies, but Yuki only cried in response; she just let him sit in his bed from now on, and fell into a deep sleep. Multiple times Yuki tried waking her, but she never rose. She looked strangely serene in sleep, almost normal and genuinely happy. Whenever he saw her like that, envy made his blood run cold. He could hate her. He could hate her enough to hurt her, to erase her existence and use that left-over rage against the other owners. Stewing in his anger, he allowed the hours to pass while he came up with schemes, and every time she woke up, his malice completely dissipated. She both calmed him and set his nerves on fire. Combined with the lack of sleep and the anxiety eating away at his mind, sometimes the waking world all seemed like a dream itself. Slowly, nothing was real anymore.

He wanted to sleep, more than anything in the world. He wanted to sleep and forget that Yuno was there, slumbering peacefully, and that his parents were divorced, and that a variety of evil figures were after his life. He wanted to throw his cell phone into the trash and let everyone else win. Part of him craved suicide more than godhood; the other only stopped the flow of negative thoughts with hopeful dreams of a quiet life with Yuno and his family. In his nightmares, those ambitions were crushed over and over again, but he could still hold onto hope when fully aware. Still, as he stared out the window, his hand parting the curtains just a tad, the world twisted in on itself and fear squeezed his throat. Rolling over, he gazed down at Yuno and sighed, rubbing his blood-shot, dry eyes with scaly hands. His whole body ached, the muscles forever tense; he tried to unclench his jaw but it only snapped back together again. Looking around the room, he searched for something to focus on, but nothing held his attention. Since Yuno's stay, he had taken down the posters of sexy girls and hid his pornography elsewhere. The room was bare, even of bugs.

Vision swimming, he gripped his blankets and continued searching. Then, he stopped, and his eyes widened; there was Yuno's cell phone. Her diary was right there, within reach, easily disposable. If he grabbed it and broke it in half, she would disappear right then and there. Even the thought of that caused guilt to twist up his guts, but he imagined a lover's suicide, his own diary snapped to pieces. Both of them would swirl and then blip out of existence. He smiled bitterly, almost chuckling, but no sound left him. Refocusing on the phone, he tried to think of something else. The obvious truth dawned upon him slowly, like sunlight illuminating a room, and he got out of bed, noiselessly walking over to the phone and picking it up. Yuno slumbered next to him, not even reacting when he flipped it open and white-blue light shone upwards. At the moment, the phone was completely blank except for Yuno's saved happy end message. He smiled again at the sight of it, but tears welled up in his eyes too. Putting it back down, he retrieved some clothes from his closet and got dressed, then took one more long look at the phone, the tears free-flowing now. He stifled a sob and without another thought grabbed the thing and ran away.

As he walked around the neighborhood, he held one cell phone in each hand, looking back and forth at each screen. His diary reported nothing, no danger. The air was cold and fresh, and the silence swelled around him like a thick blanket. Yuno's just repeated the same message, "Yuki is alone! Yuki is outside alone! He is in danger!" Shuddering, Yuki closed the phone and pocketed it, making sure to check his just in case, and put it in the same pocket. His hands shook and a strange smile crossed his face; he was finally alone, yet he was terrified. Just like Yuno's phone said, anything could happen to him. He wondered whether Yuno's thoughts were like the message. Just like him, she was hyper aware, but only of one thing, him. Did she constantly live on the edge like that? Her healthy body and normal sleep patterns revealed nothing. Yet whenever someone threatened him, she immediately went on the offense, racing to his aid. Nothing he could do would make up for that dedication, and he knew that if she awoke and saw that her phone was gone, she'd dissolve into panic. This was a gamble, but in the cool night air and the soothing darkness, to him nothing mattered at all.

Quickly, though, the anxiety crawled back up again and the terror outweighed the joy; again his mind played tricks on him, turning shadows into monsters. His breath grew shallow and sharp, and he caught himself looking around every corner, gazing down alleyways, peering into windows, just like he did at home. Frustrated, he kicked a nearby metal pole, ignoring the pain, and yelled obnoxiously. He started crying again, sobs getting caught in his throat, which only made him angrier, and soon he was just running at every trash can and fence he could hit, punching and kicking like a child during a tantrum. The skin on his knuckles cracked and blood trickled down his fingers; pain throbbed in his toes and his tears stung his eyes. Wiping snot from beneath his nose, he stopped for a moment, out of breath, and leaned against his knees. He heard sounds that weren't there, and saw things that did not exist. As hard as he tried, his mind was sprinting away from him, and he could not catch up.

Standing up straight, he looked around, the silence pressing against his ears; he could hear his heart beat pump against his temples. Like a zombie he walked forward, shoulders slightly slumped and arms limp, and just surrendered to the daze. He stared down at the sidewalk, noticing every crack and sprouting weed, but tunnel vision settled in easily. Eventually he reached the end of the neighborhood, street lights illuminating the street at every corner. The road seemed to stretch forever, the angles warping as exhaustion attempted to gain control over Yuki's body. Shaking his head back and forth violently, he wiped the sweat from his brow and straightened up again. He sharpened his senses again, making sure to check around the corners and to peer into any shadow spots. He looked to the left and noticed a small park on the right; the place was familiar, and he suddenly remembered that he used to play there as a child. The memory of his father pushing him on the swing and his mom cheering him on brought tears to his eyes, but he steeled himself and ran over quickly, the phones clacking in his pocket.

The park consisted of sandy ground, a swing set, a small wooden play pen, and a dome-shaped jungle gym. He walked slowly, the sand gritting beneath his shoes, and went to the swing set, sitting down in the small strip of leather and gazing down at his toes. The tunnel vision dissipated but everything was still blurry; he looked up, smiling a little as he saw phantom versions of his parents smiling and laughing. Something starkly white caught his attention, and he found himself staring at Aru Akise.

"Hey there Amano," Akise said, smiling in his usual cool way. His hands were in his pockets and he leaned up against the play pen. Yuki had no idea how he missed him.

"Oh, hey Akise," he replied, smiling back. Even in the dimly-lit playground he stood out, the white of his hair and skin giving him the appearance of a fairy, or even a ghost. Stepping forward, Akise took a seat in the other swing and held onto the chains, squeezing the rungs softly.

"It's very late." Akise glanced up at the star-filled sky.

"I know. It's nice." Yuki also looked up, the smile still on his face. Then his eyes widened and he glared at Akise accusingly. "Wait, why are you here? Did you follow me? How did you know I was out?"

Akise shrugged. "I didn't. I just like this park." He dropped his hands into his lap.

Yuki remained wary, digging his feet into the sand just in case he needed to bolt. "And it's coincidentally near my house. Are you stalking me too? It was already weird enough that you knew stuff about me."

He turned his attention back to Yuki, tilting his head to the side slightly and grinning. "I am a detective, after all. Besides, you and Gasai were involved in some rather odd circumstances."

Grimacing, Yuki looked away from Akise, concentrating on the ground. "I didn't have to be. I didn't know it would be like this."

Akise paused and stared at Yuki, obviously making him uncomfortable; his gaze was piercing, almost boring into him. "It's not something you could've predicted, either by yourself or with your diary. You are competing to be God, though. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to win the survival game."

Yuki met Akise's eyes. "But you don't have a diary. Why did you get involved?"

This silenced Akise for a moment, and anger flashed across his face for a moment, eyebrows furrowing. "The murders and disasters were not occurring for no reason. The city is in danger and no one knows why except for the diary holders. I'd rather be safe."

This time Yuki looked angry. "And what about other people? Do you plan to expose us or just continue investigating? You're not some super hero. All of us are just human, but we have these stupid phones making everything complicated." He took his out of his pocket and flipped it open; all the messages remained the same. He hadn't thought of checking it before, although he couldn't place why.

Akise kept his attention on Yuki. "Why is Gasai not with you? She is your girlfriend, a very dedicated one at that."

Frowning, Yuki put his cellphone in one pocket and removed Yuno's, then held it up in front of Akise's face. "I took it."

Akise's eyebrows rose, his face lighting up in surprise. "I didn't expect that at all, although I'm not sure she'd ever leave you alone."

Face darkening, Yuki glared down at the phone. "She wants to protect me. She cares for me a lot."

"And you, do you care for her?"

Yuki sensed something deeper and prying in Akise's tone but pushed the thought out of his mind. "Yes, I do. But you know about her house, the giant hole. I don't know what to think anymore." He looked back up at the other boy and slammed the phone shut. "She wants me all for herself. She's selfish! And I can't stand up to her, because I know I'd break her heart. It would just be selfish for me to do too…"

"You're afraid of her as well. Anyone would be," Akise said gravely.

"Yeah. I mean, I trust her not to hurt me, even if I hurt her. She loves me; she's said it a million times. She sleeps in a futon on the floor of my room and makes my mom and me dinner every night. She's obsessed with our 'happy end' too, and when she's normal, she's great. I could fall for her like that. Then she goes crazy and…" he trailed off again, "I'm terrified."

Unexpectedly, Akise reached out and took Yuki's hand. Akise's hand was softly warm, his fingers slender like an artist's. Yuki stared up at him like a deer in the headlights, his mouth hanging open slightly. Although he smiled gently, sadness still seeped out of him, weighing against Yuki heavily. He shivered, trying to read Akise and failing miserably, but the surprising, almost shocking comfort heated up his body and quickened his heart beat. Carefully he slipped his fingers in between Akise's and smiled back, chuckling nervously.

"There's another reason too, I guess," Yuki said, tears welling up in his eyes. Fear filled his eyes. Akise remained silent, but he squeezed Yuki's hand gently and placed his other hand on top. "But why, though? What's so special about me?"

"Nothing. You are normal, an observer. You're quiet and unassuming, but nice. Very nice. Most people would've kicked Yuno to the curb, maybe even killed her because she's competition. You trusted Hinata and the others implicitly. You wanted to give them your friendship and all that comes with that. Meanwhile they used that against you, but you still forgave them. It takes courage to do that. You may think it's desperation, but you have some strength in you. You have so much to offer." Akise's smile dropped. "It's just…you're vulnerable."

"I'm scared," Yuki said, his voice barely above a whisper. "How are you not? I can't get why you'd get involved besides…this. I don't even get why you like me. I don't do anything. I just need other people to take care of things for me. And you'd just end up doing that too, just like Yuno."

Akise went silent again, although he kept his attention on Yuki. Face breaking, Yuki broke down crying, taking away his hand and burying his face in his palms. Standing up, he stumbled away from the swings, barely holding himself up. Swiftly Akise got up and grabbed Yuki's shoulders, steadying him; Yuki turned around and wiped the tears off his cheeks, clenching his jaw.

"It isn't fair! I'm only fifteen, why is this happening to me? I don't know these people, but I keep trusting them. I'm just a loser! You're just like Yuno, another stalker who knows I'm weak. I just want to be alone! I just want this to be over!" Yuki started sobbing again, his whole body shaking. Akise pulled him forward, holding him close; Yuki wrapped his arms around his waist and cried harder. "I don't want to die!"

Akise moved back from Yuki a little, putting both of his hands against the sides of Yuki's head. He pressed their foreheads together. "What I feel for you is genuine. My investigations, my facts, they comfort me, but so do you. You are much more than you think." Moving his hands downward, he held Yuki's head and leaned in, kissing him. His eyes widened in shock, but he did not move away; instead, he returned the kiss, closing his eyes and leaning forward himself. For those moments, the anxiety in him abated. The constant heat and nausea dissipated, and for once calm seeped into his entire body. They broke the kiss and Yuki hugged Akise tightly, tears still streaming down his face.

"I don't understand," Yuki whispered, voice slightly muffled against Akise's shoulder, "I don't think I ever will."

"That's okay, Amano," Akise replied, smiling. "Just don't run away again. Never run away."

Yuki backed away a bit, confused. "What do you mean?"

Akise grinned at him, confident. "Don't ever run away. You're better than that." Leaning in again, he kissed Yuki with more force, then pulled away. "Now go home."

Yuki's eyes snapped open, sunlight immediately flooding them. He turned away, covering his eyes with his arm. Blinking a few times, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the light, sat up, and glanced around the room. Yuno's futon was empty, but he could hear the sounds of cooking from the kitchen. She was chatting with his mother again, and both of them laughed. Her cell phone was gone; Yuki frantically checked his pockets, but only found lint, and realized that he was only in pajamas. Turning around, he found his cell phone sitting atop his headboard, just like normal. Dread dried out his throat, and he went silent, staring down at his hands in his lap. He turned them over, following the different lines on his palms, and sighed. He could still feel Akise's fingers interlocked with his, how warm he was, how nothing else mattered but the two of them in a children's land. For once he was at rest, again passive.

Maybe Deus implanted the scene to test him. Maybe Murmur was the culprit, pulling off a sick prank. Maybe he mixed his own desires up in his subconscious; he craved strength and power, and he wanted to protect Yuno. He heard the pitter patter of foot steps and the bedroom door opened; Yuno peered in and smiled.

"Breakfast's ready Yuki," she said cheerily.

"Let me get dressed, okay?" For once, he actually sounded happy. Yuno looked surprised, then nodded and retreated, shutting the door.

For a moment Yuki sat on the bed, back facing the window, face cloaked in darkness. The oppressive fear no longer choked him. Instead, he could banish it; his mind cleared and his body felt calm and loose. He had no idea how'd he face Akise again, but for some irrational reason, he felt like the boy was somehow involved. Smiling, he stood up and turned around, looking out the window through the small gap in between the edge and the blinds.

"Thanks Akise."

From then on, Yuki slept peacefully.