Matchmaker
I love- well, like- my humans. Really, I do. They feed me little pellets that look like rat droppings, they supply me with stale water with bits of my hair in it (ah! I'm going bald! my beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous fur), and they send me upstairs when I trick them, which is so easy to do. Nontheless, I have gotten very used to the cold corner and learned not to complain (though at the junkyard nothing is good enough for me). Besides, I can just go to the junkyard and sleep, maybe joke, or talk with Munkustrap, though we aren't... well, the best show of brotherly love.
Oh, shut up, Munkustrap. Yeah, I guess my best brother's probably right. How rude of me. I'm Rum Tum Tugger, or The Rum Tum Tugger. That's all it will ever be. No cute nicknames, such as Tuggy, Tugsy, Rummy, Tugs, or anything else like that- not even Bombalurina has ever called me any of those. The only acceptable nickname that I got over a long time ago was Tugger.
The only person I've ever had call me those despicable names is a cat that I deeply admire- yes, you seem confused, I knew you would be. Munkustrap, why in the Heavy Side am I telling this story anyway? Whatever, stupid answer.
Well, I guess, here's my story, then.
"Out! Out, you terrible insult to the feline race!" the angry shopkeeper yelled after the offending cat, a beautiful young she-cat. Her ice blue eyes were warm and with a hint of sarcasm to them. She had a dappled leopard spotted coat with a black bib around her neck, like a collar, though her paws were white.
She carried a long-lost (to the owner of the pathetic hovel of a hat shop, that is) ham and tuna sandwhich, now caked with dust and dirt. The pretty female cat licked at it in disgust as soon as she had reached her destination- the outskirts of the junkyard.
She paused every few seconds to cough or spit out the filthy grey specks. She thought that she would never get them all off, but finally, her hard work and exhaustion was rewarded by the sweet flavor or tuna, ham, cheese, pickles, and some mayonaise. To the cat, it was an odd mix, but good anyway.
The cat, Jaclyn, felt a little bad about not sharing this meal with the Kittens, but they were probably too busy falling all over The Rum Tum Tugger to care about a tuna sandwhich. Jaclyn sighed. Ever since they were old enough to look beyond the dominating feature to the kittens- the paws- they had crushed on the young, good looking (though that may be an underestimate) tomcat that Jaclyn despised, they had left her in the dark. Maybe that was why Tugger tried his best to impress her, and not Bombalurina or Jasmin.
"Scoundrel," She cursed. Then she laughed in spite of herself. "Been spendin' too much time 'round ol' Skimble, 'aven't I?" She imitated his Scottish accent just to humor herself.
Soon, she finished her sandwhich and to her dismay, her paws sent her straight back to her den, which she liked a lot- there was only one problem. Tugger slept across the way, positioning himself straight in front of her, causing her several nightmares. She eventually gave up the love for the moon and retired to the very darkest corner. She could still see him.
As soon as she arrived, the was greeted by three very happy purrs- her friends, Misoffelees, Jemima, and Victoria.
"Hello, Jacki." Victoria's soft voice was the first voice that welcomed her back. "You smell of tuna. Been at the hat shop again?" Jaclyn nodded. "You really should settle down, you know? With a family. I bet my family could-" Victoria stopped when she saw the skeptical look on Jaclyn's face. "Okay, okay. It's just not you, I guess." Jaclyn nodded and smiled again.
Imediately the smile was wiped off of her face.
"Hello, gorgeous. Mrrrow." Someone started to massage her shoulders. For a split second, Jaclyn relaxed- after all The Rum Tum Tugger was a very good masseuse- but a quarter-of-a-second later she whipped around.
"Good-bye jerk. Eww." She hissed at him.
"Come on, baby, you know you don't mean it."
"Oh, she means it." Jasmin tried to stand up for her friend, but she broke. So instead she just blushed and blended into the background, staring adoringly at Tugger. Mistoffelees rolled her eyes.
The threesome walked away from the offending twerp (as Jaclyn 'affectionatley' called him) but Jacki stopped and turned around.
"Oh, and Tugsy? Try and keep that ego down, please." She called after him. She knew he hated the name Tugsy and Rummy, precisely why she used them.
"You know, Jacki, you're only intruiging him. He's just getting more and more interested, and did you hear what Bombalurina and him did?" Victoria gossiped in a small voice.
"No, and I don't want to hear it. I hate gossip." Jacki decided. Victoria looked put down.
"Oh, fine."
"Okay, well, they say that he took her out for a walk, but no one thinks that that's actually what happened. Remember how Bombi came back crying that night? You should know- you share a den with her." Jacki remembered.
"Yeah, she never did tell me what happened..." Jacki was starting to believe that possibly it was something to do with the horrible creature that had enough ego to walk up to a she-cat who hated him and start massaging her shoulders.
"Bombi, are you alright?" Jacki asked, eyeing the ginger cat suspiciously.
"Fine, why do you ask?" Bombi asked curiously, eyeing her back.
"Oh, no reason.... just... I heard... oh, nothing, nevermind." Jacki blushed and waved it off as nothing.
"Yeah, something. Come on, secrets and mysteries kill me- you know I never go to watch Misto's perfomances, right?" Bombi pleaded.
"Well... It's about Tugger..." Jacki muttered.
"Tugger? Oh, that rascal? I suppose you've heard the silliest rumor that we were captured by Macavity and Tugger, stupid mouse-heart, fought Macavity off single-pawed?" Bombi asked, picking at her claws.
"Well, I really didn't hear any details, but sure, I guess."
"Silly, really, I think Electra and Etcetera made it up. Maybe even Jemima..." Bombi trailed off, obviously in her own train of thought.
Insults
"Hey, beautiful." Only one person would dare put their filthy lips on Jacki's neck- we all know who it is, so why mention his wretched name?
"Tugger, get your bloody sucker off of my neck." Jacki ordered coolly. It didn't work.
"But you taste so good, babe."
"Yeah, well, you don't appeal to me. You could use some salt."
"How about sugar?"
"No need for that."
"Well, then, no need for that, eh? Already great-tasting enough as is?"
"Quit twisting my words, pellet-sucker."
"You and your silly rogue insults."
"Bite me."
"Maybe I will."
"Oh, no, I take that back."
"Only a love bite, gorgeous."
"Only a love bite?"
"Yeah, only a love bite."
"Hm, let me think... Um.... NO!"
"Darling, you know you want me."
"Who does"
"So you do want me?"
"Read my lips. I-HATE-YOUR-GUTS-RUMMY!"
"Don't call me Rummy, doll."
"I'll call you whatever I damn well please!"
After minutes more of arguing, Jacki had finally had enough. She ran up on top of the gutter and shook it. Water poured down by the bucketful, right on top of Old Tugsy's beautiful, handsome, and quite horrid, mane.
Needless to say, his Kitten fans rushed right over to help him, and Jacki was ashamed to say that her female friends were part of it.
As soon as Jacki was turned around, Tugger shot a meaningful look after her. He sighed, ignoring the Kittens plea for affection. She was the only Kitten who did not love him. It pained him.
"You sure, Jacki?" He called after her.
This caught her attention. Tugger had never, ever called her by her... name. It was darling, beauty, love, gorgeous, whatever else he called his adoring cat fans and non-fans.
"Did you just call me 'Jacki'?" She asked in astonishment, before turning around and shaking her head in confusion.
"Teazer, get over here!" Jerrie called after his sister. Rumpelteazer didn't listen, as usual, so Mungojerrie had to follow her out the door.
"What is it, Jerri?" She asked boredly. "We've already broken the mirror, terrorized the baby, stolen the milk, and done all of the other things that we're famous for, what is there to do?"
"Le's play a game." Jerri suggested. Rumpelteazer brightened imediately.
"Like what?" She asked, curling her tail around her legs.
"Oh..." Jerri looked around for inspiration. Suddenly, he heard two voices.
"... well, maybe if you shaved your stupid mane and deflated your stupid head and stopped openly flirting with other girls and could HOLD DOWN A RELASIONSHIP I WOULD FIND YOU QUITE ATTRACTIVE!"
"I THINK I AM VERY ATTRACTIVE AND LOVABLE AS IT IS!"
"ONLY FOR YOUR STUPID LOOKS AND PELVIC THRUSTS!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS A PELVIC THRUST?"
"WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL THAT STUPID THING THAT YOU DO ALL THE TIME, LIKE A DRUNKEN.... STRIPDANCER!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS A STRIPDANCER!"
"YOU ARE!"
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING!"
"IF YOU WERE HUMAN YOU'D BE WALKING AROUND WEARING SPEEDOS!"
"WILL SOMEONE TRY AND EXPLAIN WHERE SHE IS GETTING THESE RIDICULOUS INSULTS FROM?"
"OH, SO NOW THEY'RE INSULTS!"
Jerrie grinned.
"Rumpelteazer, I think I 'ave ourselves a game." He grinned.
"Them?"
"Ever play matchmaker?"
Matchmaker;; Starring Mungojerrie! AND Rumpelteazer!
"Quaxo? Maybe this'll make you see reason..." Jerrie grinned sneakily, flicking his tail- that was the signal. Mistoffelees looked suspicous and looked all around him. "Oh, no, nothing's gonna 'appen to you, but we ar' sendin' around some other li'tle nasties!"
Seeing the signal, Victoria (who had been conned, and was doing this to get her collection pebbles back), dropped the rock on Tugger, who was dozing off, having nearly fallen asleep of his little game of watching Jaclyn sleep. He jumped up as the heavy stone fell upon him, leaving a dent in his ego and, more importantly, his mane. In jumping he had positioned himself in such a way that he was one step away from Jaclyn, causing her to awaken. Victoria sent a quick prayer to Heaviside, and it worked. Tugger stepped back, his back paw landing on Jaclyn's stomach. She awakened with a yowl of, "TUGGER!"
"Ah, what?" Tugger sounded confused to Mistoffelees.
"YOU STUPID, SMELLY GIT! WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, WATCHING ME WHILE I SLEEP?"
"What, no, huh?"
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU, OH, YOU'VE MADE ME WISH I NEVER CAME TO THIS JUNKYARD! I WISH I COULD JUST SETTLE DOWN WITH SOME STUPID, BIPED HUMANS WHO FEED ME RAT'S WASTE AND NEVER LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE!"
"Hey, I wasn't-"
"DON'T DENY IT, COWARD! FACE IT LIKE A TOM! WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO TESTOSTERONE!"
"Excuse me?"
"YOU HEARD ME!"
"You have no idea of what my testosterone can drive me to do."
"SEE, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ARE THOSE STUPID LITTLE FLUFFBALLS THAT FAWN OVER YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL WHEN YOU'RE JUST AN IDIOT WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE BLESSED SOME STUPID GOOD LOOKS FROM THE GENE-POOL!"
"So you do think I'm handsome, don't you?"
"IF I EVER THOUGHT YOU HANDSOME I WOULD STRANGLE MYSELF, DO YOU HEAR?"
Misto, Rumpelteazer, Victoria, and Mungojerrie blocked out the fight as Mungojerrie strained to make himself heard above the two's shouting.
"Are ya convinced?" He asked casually, examining his claws.
"Well... alright, but it won't hurt them, will it?" Misto gave in.
"Course not, ol' Quax. Tha' all depends on you." Rumpelteazer grinned, walking away. "Remember what we told you!"
"Who couldn't?" Misto replied.
"Hey Victoria, Misto, Jemima." Jaclyn smiled lightly at them and continued arranging Victoria's newly found arrays of pretty pebbles. Green, blue, pink, red, oo, nice aqua blue- wait, this isn't a rock.
"Thanks for that again, by the way, Jaclyn." Victoria thanked her, softening her up a bit.
"Yeah, you tell me that one more time and I'll... well, I'll do something!" She threatened. "Why're you all here? I thought you guys were out hunting." Jaclyn asked curiously, pushing the rocks away, having just finished.
"Oh, we just heard something- it's juicy." Jemima added, seeming excited. This only intruiged Jaclyn more.
"Oh, yeah?" She asked, trying to sound as if she didn't care. Misto stared her down. "Oh, alright, tell me!" She begged.
"Okay, well... actually, Misto talked to him, so yeah, Misto, talk." Victoria told Misto. Truth was, Victoria couldn't remember the story. Misto rolled his eyes.
"Whatever, but sure. Okay, well, I was walking, and I hear- saw something strange." Misto nearly blew it. "It was Tugger-" there was a noticable groan from Jaclyn, who lost all immediate interest. "-and his KittenKlub. They were all over him- but he wasn't saying a thing. Eventually, they gave up- he looked like he was in deep meditation, so I didn't want to bother him, but I did anyway." Misto shrugged. "When he saw it was me, he turned around and grinned- sort of half heartedly, though. I could tell something was wrong, so I asked him what was up, and you know what he told me?" Jaclyn's lip curled, but she shook her head. "He said... 'Jaclyn doesn't like me.'" Misto quoted. Jaclyn was dumbstruck.
"He said... 'like', you're sure? Not 'love' or 'want'?" She asked, obviously shocked from her whiskers to the tip of her tail.
"Exact words." Victoria assured her. Jaclyn didn't care that it was Victoria, who was not the direct storyteller. She stood up and walked away, sort of staggering, and muttering under her breath. Jemima fretted, as usual ("Are you sure we haven't driven her to insanity?") and Misto and Victoria laughed.
"Tugger, what? It's The Rum Tum Tugger. Oh my heaviside...." And she kept repeating that, over and over and over again, until something hit her- what if Misto had lied? What if this was just a silly game to get Tugger and her to stop fighting and start going? She cursed angrily, but something (her inner kitten, as Tugger later describes) whispered in the back of her mind, 'What have you got to lose?' My pride, my dignity, my immediate love for life. She answered skeptically. But, she never did have to stay, no one was forcing her too...
Something inside her kept her paws on track, heading toward Tugger's human's home. It was a large, pretty house, squished between two other quaint buildings, with ivy running down the side. Perfect. Jaclyn hooked her unusually long black claws into the browning leaves and clambered with difficulty up the side of the building. The cement made it harder on her paws, but the rug of Tugger's home was a sweet relaxation, her paws sinking inches into the fur-like tangles. It reminded her of the shag rug she had onced hitched a ride in, except that was in a van.
"Tugger?" She whispered softly. She heard music coming from downstairs, heavy rock. "Oh, yeah, this is definately where he lives." She murmured to herself. "Tugger?" She raised her voice slightly. Her eyes hadn't yet adjusted to the dark, so when she pressed her paw into something that definately was NOT fur-like carpeting, she yowled in alarm. The cat who she had offended sprang up and unsheathed his claws. As he adjusted, he looked amazed that it was JACLYN who was in his house at this hour.
"What in heaviside?" He sounded breathless- she couldn't blame him, for she had stepped on his chest.
"Um, hey. So this is where you live?" She put of the damning conversation. Tugger stared suspiciously.
"Er... yeah. That music coming from downstairs is my special person, her name's Julie. I can't be down there now, she's with her punk boyfriend. He doesn't like cats! Can you believe that?" Tugger's eyes grew wide.
"Okay. I guess I really don't know what that feels like..." She told him quietly.
"What?"
"I said I guess I don't know how that feels!" She raised her voice and rolled her eyes. Having a nice, civilized, conversation with this player was easier than it seemed, especially without the flying insults, and sometimes even fur.
"Yeah, I guess you don't." There was silence. "Okay, come on, Jaclyn, why are you here? You are not just here to talk about my family problems." Tugger cocked his head.
"Maybe I am." Jaclyn put her nose in the air, sniffed, and crossed her arms.
"No, you're not." Tugger finalized that decision.
"Fine, I'm not." She sighed. "What I really came about, was, well, something I sort of heard from... er... Misto...."
Suddenly, Tugger knew why she was here. That mouse-hearted pansy! He had told her what he had said, what he had told Misto in deepest confidence. He was mad.
"I can't believe he told you!" He fumed. He felt like stomping his feet and wailing, but that wouldn't impress Jaclyn much...
"So, there is a cat somewhere under all that fur," Jaclyn mused, now that the danger was over. She also wanted to change the subject. "just a cat very, very far away."
"Maybe not so far." He grinned.
"Don't make me yell. This is the first nice conversation I've had with you, and I bet you don't want to screw it up, right? After what you said?" She cocked her eyebrow. Tugger sighed.
"Well, back to the big idea... well, yeah, it is sort of.... put-down-ish when we yell at each other-"
"You mean I yell at you."
"-yes, and so maybe we could be friends?" Tugger asked in one great breath. This was an imposing choice- she had her pride to think about. But still, what was the harm of being friends? Friends don't flirt, she thought.
"I'll make a deal, if it puts your little- or maybe not so little- heart to rest. I you stop flirting with me, then I'll... tolerate you." It wasn't easy to put the word 'friend' in a sentance, particularly when the sentance was directed at her all-time enemy.
"Tolerate me?" Tugger raised his eyebrows.
"Fine, I'll.... be-be-be-" she choked, "be-befrie-befriend you." She gulped. Tugger laughed.
"Sounds like a deal. Shall we shake on it?"
"Sure."
And they shook hands.
Then came the damning day. Jemima, Victoria, Electra, and Etcetera were all looking their best and sucking up big time to the Tugger. Bombalurina was acting as if she were made of water, swishing calmly back and forth, occasionally throwing a sexy grin at Tugger. Exotica looked unconcerned- after all, she had had little time to get used to Tugger, and was only thinking of how cute he was and what a terrible bore he was. Jaclyn... well, she was throwing useful information at her friend, a word she was no longer terrified to use to describe the egotistical feline.
"...and try not to pick one of the kittens, besides, they're much to young." You're no longer a kitten, Tugger felt like saying, but his mind drifted back to the night when they had become unspoken friends. She had made him promise that he would never flirt with her. He sighed- it was quote painful. "Bombalurina seems like a good choice, but I'm not too sure about her- Exotica seems like the best choice, after all, she is sweetest. Or maybe Victoria..." After all, Victoria and Jaclyn had both went from Kittens to Cats on the exact same day. "She's sweet enough..." What about you? Tugger wailed. I like you! "Honestly, Tugger, why are you doing this?" She asked curiously. Tugger sighed.
"It's Munkustrap and Deuteronomy. They've been pestering me. I turned down the dance last time, and they say that it's time to get settled. Not that that's gonna happen anyway, but still... It's just so nerve-wracking!" He whined. Jaclyn put a paw over his mouth and shut him up.
"Maybe you should pick one of the toms." She mused. Tugger looked absolutely mortified- this comment, which was meant to cheer him up, maybe make him laugh, instead made him curl up on a little, pathetic, deepy distressed ball of fluff, his mane sticking out like a butterfly in a bee nest.
"Oh, come out of it- you just have to choose, and do it wisely. Besides, think about it, if you choose Bombalurina, or even Exotica, they won't mind if you flirt with the others. They both do. Choose someone who will be right for you." Jaclyn urged. You're right for me, even if you don't know it! Tugger yowled inwardly, his stomach tightening with every single word.
"Oo, you're making me naseaous." He moaned, flipping over. "Will Munkustrap still make me do the dance if I'm sick?" Tugger asked, as if a plan were forming in his mind.
"He wouldn't believe you. You never get sick." which was true enough.
"I have a she-cat in mind, but will she ever be able to return the affection?" Tugger said outloud. He must have realized he said it, so he clapped his paws over the offending mouth.
"Of course she will- if she's even halfway decent, she'll love you back. Whoever you pick should be flattered, after all, you're... well, you." Jaclyn struggled for choice of word. Suddenly, the beads shook, and Munkustrap entered.
"Tugger, quit moping, and get out there. You will not be allowed to weasle out of this one. I've got Alonzo, Quaxo, Plato, and Demeter posted at the exits. You will choose a mate." Munkustrap ordered, pointing toward the entrance with his paw. "Go."
Tugger rolled back over and groaned sadly.
"I've been pep-talking him, but he seems to have really low self-esteem right about now." When Munkustrap looked at her suspiciously, she raised her hands and said, "I just told him to get on with it, nothing bad! Quit staring!" She grinned.
"Go- remember, you're elligable now. You must stand in the circle." He instructed. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and went to go squeeze in next to Exotica and Victoria, Exotica calm and content, Victoria looking the same, but not feeling the same.
"Calm down, Victoria- if he picks you, well, goody for you, but if he doesn't, move along... besides, you like Plato..." Jaclyn whispered to herself. Victoria shot her a look before turning back to Bombalurina, who looked like herself- standing in a sexy way, breathing in a sexy way, sweating in a sexy way...
As Jaclyn looked around, she was surprised. She never imagined that just one old tom could cause so much havoc. The Kittens were gone, and most of the toms were happy about it. The she-cats in the circle, however, were either the picture of grace and beauty or were sweating their faces off because of nerves.
"Ah, no, Munkustrap, let-me-go!" The she-cat giggled as they heard the Tugger's deep voice. "No, I don't wanna- you can't make me-"
Suddenly, there was Tugger. Even though Jennyanydots had little respect for the young player (though his age was not nessacarily experience), she still smoothed down his fur and fluffed up his mane, so he looked as awesome as ever. Suddenly, the young jellicles all looked very nervous as Tugger was shoved into the middle of the circle. To Jaclyn's surprise, she also felt slightly... uncomfortable. She had no idea why.
Tugger circled around three times before sighing. Poor Tugger... She found herself thinking. She couldn't imagine who she would pick- well, she probably would pick Victoria or Exotica, after all.
Tugger's insides were squirming. The she-cats were waiting with baited breath to see who he would pick. He was still undecided, but how to go about it? What was he supposed to do? Suddenly, his mind was blank. How was he to do the dance? He tried to collect himself, and it didn't work. All of the sudden, Jaclyn's eyes were blazing into his, their amazing striking blue almost hurting him. He knew who he was going to choose.
His legs chose his path for him, and he could almost hear his faithful Kitten fans groaning or crying. He wasn't looking past Jaclyn's warm blue eyes. He never saw her shocked look- thankfully, not disgusted, but purely shocked and amazed- How? Why?
Jaclyn always knew Tugger had a thing for her, but then again, he had a thing for all of the other queens too, and even the Kittens, as previous encounters had proved. But now, as he extended one black paw toward her, she found herself not hesitating as she took it, and suddenly pure emotion washed over her face.
She knew it was to end this way, and she didn't care that all of her dignity was being wasted. She didn't care about anything but the tom in front of her. She ached all over, and as Tugger lifted her over his head, she was completely sure that she had done the right thing in taking his hand.
The rest of the night was a blur. The new couple fled to the safety of the alley behind Tugger's house. They were silent. Once, Tugger's owner had looked out the window and seen him, quietly grooming the pretty she-cat, and giggled and ducked back in. Tugger had to hide his shame when she yelled,
"You be good to her, just like I taught you! And don't let him try anything!"
Jaclyn laughed.
"I love you, Jaclyn," Tugger mewed softly. "That's why I chose you."
"I know, Tugger. That's why I accepted."