/F/
It's the way she breaks in my arms. I can't stand to watch it, her falling so delicately into me, still elegant and powerful but broken. She shakes in this weird way that stiffens her body, making it difficult to hold on to her. When she cries it reminds me of a small child, whose ice cream is melting, drip, drip, dripping off her nose and onto my shirt. I'm just here to take care of her and keep her pieces all glued together. I could never love her again. Not after how she hurt me. It's when her big brown eyes find mine that I can't resist helping. I just like taking care of people.
/Q/
I'm just falling apart. My eyes are leaking and my mouth feels all dry. Sometimes I make myself throw up because I just can't stand being inside my own body. The mirrors have been taken off the walls. Finn is always here, in his big dopey way, holding me and acting like he understands. He could never. Little parts of my heart ache for him sometimes though, when I'm up at night wondering what he could be doing. I always find myself crashing into his chest and exposing the side of me that only he can see. Why is that? I miss the days when I didn't cry in front of anyone, where it was a secret. It was done beneath the sheets of my bed with the lights off, my cheerios uniform sticking to my skin in the ways that I hated. The uniform is what makes it worse. When I put it on preparing to feel inferior, yet that feeling is not there anymore, it only lingers on the red threads that I used to take so much care of. All I feel now is emptiness. I'm lacking something that I never should have let go of.
/F/
I don't love her. I just hate watching this. The way she carries herself is so fake, so twisted. I can't stand watching her not in control. I couldn't love her all messy like that anyways. I just don't love her. I don't love her smile, her hair, the way she smells, and the way she likes the parts of movies where they kiss in the rain, the feeling of her eyelashes on my face. I don't love any of that. I don't. I don't.
/Q/
What am I doing? I'm standing in front of Noah Puckerman's door. He isn't answering it; I can't stop hitting the doorbell. My hands are shaking and I just start pounding on the door, my body sinking to the ground as I do. The tears form and I think of Finn. I think of Beth with her hands reaching out to my face, I pushed her away; I let her slip from my arms. Now I am on Noah's doorstep, in a uniform that used to mean everything, letting myself fall apart in ways that I never would before. People are staring with these expressions that make me feel like maybe someone cares. They wouldn't if they knew. I choke as I cry, my breath speeding up, the space around me spinning. My heart is racing and I'm panicking, begging God to open up my lungs so I can just breathe. He doesn't listen.
/F/
I fucking hate car pools. Is enough seeing Puck at football, but this is just pushing it. I watch out the window as he makes perverted comments to the other guys. Sometimes I just want football to not exist, for me not to car, for me to just do what I want for a change. But its high school. In high school all of this matters. I can't wait to grow up and leave all of these people and all of these buildings and just live the life that I've always wanted to. I keep thinking and dreaming until I see her and I yell. We all jump out of car and shake her, searching, hoping. Everything moves so fast and all I see is red lights twirling, my face is burning up and water is falling. My arms are looking for her to hold but I have to wait. I take Puck's car and follow the ambulance, crying and shaking at the wheel. Please, please, please. I pray for the first time in years. I just want her to be okay. Please, please, please.
/Q/
My mom is wringing her hands. This just makes it worse. I'm lying in a hospital bed listening to my mom hum, trying not to reach over and slap her to shut her up. I know why she's doing it though, because I fucked up. I was never supposed to be this girl that I am now. A doctor with a large nose enters and hands my mother a clipboard, mumbling to her words that I cannot hear. Her face scrunches together as if she's going to cry, but she takes the pen and scribbles out her name. "Quinnie." She says later on as the doctor leaves, "You're going to be staying here for awhile." She pushes back my hair and fakes a smile, rambling on about the mental ward being one of the best in the state of Ohio. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep; I can't digest this right now.
Three hours later I wake up screaming.
/F/
When she screams I jump. Touching her back, and telling her its okay. She shakes me off, this isn't new. "Your mom had to go home to get you some stuff…she asked me to stay." I watch Quinn gulp.
"Oh." She murmurs, a flush of red appears on her cheeks, her eyes become smaller then they truly are. She's about to cry. I put myself beside her, letting her body fall into mine like we usually do. I wonder if she uses me. "I'm crying because I'm embarrassed." This is the first time she's told me a reason.
"Why?"
Quinn looks up at me, "I have to stay in the mental ward here. I had a panic attack."
"I know."
"Okay."
We sit like this until her mother's heels are heard outside the curtain, and the doctors tell her its time.
I tell her to call me.
I wonder if she will.
AN:/ Hopefully this was alright… I was bored and just started writing. Its loosely inspired by It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, if you haven't read it check it out! Also, review if you read please, I love getting feedback.