The Heart of the Matter
I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Mackenzie stood outside Will's office and watched him work. She dreaded having to go in there and do this to him. After all this time, why now she wondered?
She pushed open his door and saw him standing behind his desk, searching for something on his bookshelf. "Sit down," she said and he immediately complied. "There is a man downstairs at security that is claiming to be your father."
He honestly didn't know what to say. She couldn't have shocked him more if she had told him they were doing a story on Bigfoot that night. He sat there for a moment stunned into immobility.
"Will?" she asked and came around the desk to stand beside his chair.
"He could be anybody Mackenzie. I haven't seen my father in nearly forty years. Hell, I'd assumed the man was dead. I'm not going to dignify what in all probability is some stranger's attempt to extort money from me by going down there and making an appearance in AWM's lobby."
She looked at him and knew how much this had shaken him, but she was allowing him to pretend he didn't care. Allowing him a moment to rant and rave and then he would tell her what he really wanted. She only had to wait a few moments.
"Would you go down and take a look?" he asked quietly, grabbing her hand but steadfastly refusing to look her in the eye.
"Of course Will. But I never met the man. I don't know if I'll be able to tell you anything."
"I'm told I look a lot like him. You should be able to figure it out pretty quickly Mac," he responded, still holding her hand as if that was the only thing keeping him from panicking.
"Okay, Billy. What do you want me to say to him?" she asked tentatively.
"I don't know Mac. You'll figure it out…you always do," he mumbled.
"Billy?"
"What Mackenzie?"
"You have to let go of my hand if you want me to go downstairs."
"Oh yeah, right," he said, looking down at their joined hands. "Thanks Mac," he said quietly, before loosening his grip on her and watching her go.
Mac made her way to the elevator and the entire ride down to the lobby she was trying to figure out what she was going to say, coming up with nothing. She walked to the security desk and saw Scotty, the building's favorite security guard and a friend.
"Scotty, there is a man here for Will," she said.
"I put him in the waiting area behind the elevators. I hope that was all right."
She smiled at him. "That's perfect, thank you. Did you get a picture for his pass?"
"I did, want me to send it to you?"
"Please."
Mac walked to the waiting area, which thankfully was empty except for the man asking about Will. She knocked on the door and pushed it open. The gentleman turned and she saw what Will would look like in the future. He was a very handsome man, still almost as tall as Will but with gray hair where Will's was still blond.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello. My name is Mackenzie McHale. I am the executive producer of News Night."
"John McAvoy," he said, holding out his hand.
She politely shook his hand, damning all those finishing school lessons. She knew what he had done to Will and all of his siblings as a child, yet she didn't know what he wanted and why now he was showing up at AWM.
"Will is not available this afternoon, I'm sorry. Is there something I can help you with?"
The man was clearly disappointed. "No, thank you, though. I need to speak with him. If I give you a number where I may be reached will you give it to him?"
"Of course."
"My son and I haven't seen one another in many years, and I'm not sure if he will even want to speak with me, but tell him it is very important that I speak with him. Will you do that, please?"
"Certainly," she said, taking the business card he handed her.
"Thank you," he said and walked out of the area in which he had been asked to wait.
Mac went back upstairs and straight into Will's office. He was leaning against the front of his desk, waiting for her.
"Well," he said as soon as she walked in.
She checked her Blackberry and showed him the picture that Scotty took. "It's not a great picture, but it's what we've got."
She saw Will react like she never had seen before. His hand was shaking and he looked as if he was about to pass out. She pushed him into one of the chairs around his table and had him put his head between his knees. "Just breathe," she said, squatting next to him, rubbing his back.
"I had really hoped this was some damn tabloid reporter's attempt to find out more about my childhood. Damn, I never thought it could actually be him."
"He gave me a business card. He said it was quite important that he speak with you," she told him.
He looked up at that. "Business card, my ass. The man barely had a steady job most of my childhood. He couldn't spend eight hours away from the liquor cabinet."
They both looked down at the card, curious as to what type of employment an abusive alcoholic could possibly be holding.
"Oh, that's hysterical. Was he laughing when he handed you this Mackenzie?"
She hadn't looked at the card in the elevator on her way back upstairs. She was too busy staring at the photo of Will's father on her Blackberry. Now, she took the card from his hand and glanced down at it. It read "John McAvoy, Interventionist." Shit, Will was going to kill the man if he saw him.
"That is really laughable. I spent most of my childhood trying to get the man to just cut down on his drinking. You know what he would do when I asked Mac? He would drink more. Just to discourage me from asking again, the man would drink himself into a stupor if I so much as suggested he had a drinking problem. And now he tries to get people into rehab for a living!"
He was pacing the room like a caged animal. She saw Jim standing outside the door, likely concerned about the yelling going on inside the office, but she just shook her head no. Please Jim, don't try to get involved in this, she pleaded with her eyes. Thankfully, he seemed to understand and walked away.
Mackenzie knew that Jim had sometimes worried about just how angry Will had been with her. In the beginning, she could tell Jim's natural instinct was to stand between her and Will when the arguing began. She had reassured him several times that Will's bluster was all for show. He would never hurt her. She wasn't so sure he wouldn't hurt his father.
"I don't give a shit what he wants Mackenzie! You tell him that if he shows up again. Tell him to go fuck up somebody else's life because I'm done letting him fuck up mine!"
She watched as Will stalked off toward his bathroom and slammed the door.
"That went well," she whispered to the now empty room.
Mac called up to Charlie's office to see if he had a free few minutes. Millie told Mac to come upstairs and she'd work her in, no problem.
"What can I do for you Mac?" Charlie asked.
She wasn't sure how much Charlie knew about Will's childhood. It wasn't her place to tell him, so she would give him the bigger picture. "Will's father showed up downstairs earlier."
"His father?"
She guessed from his expression and tone of voice that Charlie knew some of Will's history. "Yes. I went down and saw him. It's him, there's no mistaking that the man downstairs was Will's father. Will wants nothing to do with him and his father insisted that it was very important for him to see Will. I don't know what he will try."
Charlie picked up his phone and called Lonny, asking him to come to his office immediately.
Mac and Charlie were chatting when Lonny knocked.
"Come in," he said. Lonny nodded to Mac. "We're going to have an issue with Will. I want you to keep a watch for this man," Charlie said handing Lonny Mac's phone.
"Is this from downstairs?"
"It is," she said. "Scotty got his picture for a pass but didn't let him up."
"Is he a threat to Will?" Lonny asked.
"Yes," she said. "Will wants nothing to do with him and John McAvoy desperately wants to see Will. I don't know why, but I do know Will needs to be protected from this man."
"Do you think he's violent? Do we know anything?" Lonny asked.
"Here's a copy of the card he gave me," Mac said. "Are you able to run a background check?"
"I'll do some checking."
"Do we need to up Will's protection?" she asked Charlie.
"Not yet. Let's see what we get from the background check. Will you let me know what you find?" he asked Lonny.
"Of course. I'll find out what's going on," Lonny said leaving Charlie's office.
"He's going to need you, Mac."
"Anything he needs, I'm there."
"Make sure he knows that, Mackenzie."
Mac made her way back downstairs and pushed Will's door open. He was sitting at his desk working on his computer. She sat in a chair in front of his desk. "How are you?"
He stopped typing and turned in his chair to face her. "Honestly, Mac, I don't know."
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
"Not particularly," he said, turning back to the computer.
"Will, I don't think he's going to just disappear. He's shown up after forty years of virtually no contact with you. Whatever it is, it must be important."
"Yeah, well not beating the shit out of me and my siblings and my mother was fairly important to me too. He didn't seem to give a damn about that!" he spit out.
Sometimes she forgot just how much pain was bubbling beneath the surface of his calm exterior.
"I'll have Lonny take care of it if he shows up again Will," she told him, patting his hand and leaving him to finish his script.
"Mac" he shouted to her before she left the room.
"Yes?"
"Thanks for talking to him," he said.
"Of course, Will."
And that had been it for a few days. Life returned to normal until Friday evening after the show. He and Mackenzie had been the last to leave the studio. Lonny offered to drop Mackenzie off on their way to Will's apartment, but they were all stopped in their tracks by the presence the elder McAvoy just outside the building, waiting near a group of autograph seekers.
"Will," Mackenzie whispered, grabbing his hand and directing his attention toward the man.
He turned to see the last person in the world he expected.
"Get in the car Mackenzie," he spit out through clenched teeth.
"Will, please," she pleaded, trying to pull him away, but he was already heading for his father, fists clenched tightly at his sides.
"Lonny!" she shouted, alerting the bodyguard to the unfolding situation, but everything was happening so fast that it would be hard to stop it.
"Stay the hell away from us!" Will yelled, grabbing Mackenzie's hand and pushing her behind him. He stared into his father's eyes with hatred.
"Billy," the man started, but was cut off.
"Don't you dare call me that!" Will whispered menacingly. God, she had never realized his father called him that. She had to wonder now why Will ever let her use the nickname.
Will's grip on her wrist was beginning to become painfully tight. She watched the two men stare each other down until she couldn't take it anymore.
"Will, you're hurting my wrist," she said, tapping him lightly on the back.
That broke him from his staring contest with his father.
"God, I'm sorry Kenz. I didn't realize," he whispered, loosening his grip on her, but still not letting her anywhere near his father.
"Listen to me and know that I'm serious. You come near me or anyone I care about and I will make it my life's mission to ruin whatever pitiful existence you have built for yourself. "
He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the car. Once seated inside, she looked out the window at the man they had just left behind. Looking at him, you would never know the hell he had put his own family through. She wondered what Will saw when he looked at the man.
"Will" she whispered, setting her hand on his shoulder. What she wasn't expecting was for him to grab her and pull her into his side. He pulled her head down on his shoulder and rested his head against hers.
"We're going home now Lonny," he informed the bodyguard. Lonny just nodded.
"Is that okay Kenz?" he asked quietly.
"That's fine Will," she replied setting her hand on his knee. "Let's go home."
Lonny drove them home and walked them all the way into the apartment; he wasn't taking any chances with the reappearance of the senior McAvoy.
Once he had them settled and secure he came back downstairs to talk to the building's security and explained that there was a person trying to get to Will. He shared John's picture and asked them to call him if he was spotted near the building, along with the police.
Will was pacing around his apartment and Mac was sitting on the couch watching him.
"Do you want a drink?" she asked him.
"Are you all right, Kenz?"
"I'm fine, Will." He stopped pacing and looked at her.
"I don't care if you call me Billy," he said as if he could read her mind. "You heard him call me that, right?"
She nodded. He came and sat on the table in front of where she was sitting on the couch. "The difference is that you call me that out of love."
"You could have told me," she said taking his hand in hers.
"Honestly Kenz,, I like it coming from you."
"As long as you are sure. I don't want to bring up bad memories."
"I'm sure, sweetheart. Don't change because of him. He's not worth our time." He moved from the table to sitting next to her, taking her hand in his. "Is your wrist okay?"
"It's fine, don't worry."
"He's seen you with me now and you met with him the other day, I'm going to get a body on you, just in case. We don't take any chances, okay?"
She nodded. The simple fact that she didn't protest a bodyguard told him how much his father had scared her. "I'm going to call Charlie and let him know what's happened. Do you want something to change into?"
"Please."
He pulled her off the couch and said, "come with me." He sat her on his bed and went to his dresser. In the bottom drawer she saw clothes of hers from years ago. He had never gotten rid of them.
"Why do you still have all of those?" she asked.
"The same reason you still have a drawer full of my stuff, Mac," he said and handed her some running pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. "The only socks I have are mine and you're welcome to wear them, they are just going to be way too big. I do, however, have a sweatshirt that used to fit me, but it's shrunk, so it will fit you now," he said smiling at her. He pulled out a sweatshirt that said Nebraska Law on the front and McAvoy on the back.
She smiled at him and said, "thank you, Billy."
He kissed the top of her head and said, "go change and I'll call Charlie, then I'll cook us some dinner." She nodded and went into his bathroom and he went back to the living room.
"Lonny already called," Charlie said when Will called him.
"There were other people around with cameras. I don't know if someone has it on tape or not."
"I'll talk to legal about a restraining order." They chatted for a few minutes with Charlie trying to make Will feel better.
"Thanks, Charlie. I want a body on Mac, too. I'll pay for it; can you just make it happen? He knows what she looks like and I can't take a chance with anything happening to her."
She walked in when he was saying the last bit to Charlie and walked over to him and into his arms. He held her while he finished talking to Charlie.
"I'm sorry, Kenz. I don't want you to be scared."
"I'm not worried about me," she said into his shoulder.
"You should be Mackenzie. I don't care how much he says he's changed or what image he projects to the world these days. He's an abusive bastard who enjoys causing other people pain. I don't want you anywhere near him," he whispered into her hair, holding her close.
"Maybe he has changed Will. He's in his seventies and you haven't seen him in years. Maybe he wants to make amends with you."
"Don't start this with me Mackenzie. Please don't try to broker some sort of peace deal between me and my father," he mumbled, pushing away from her and crossing the room to pour himself a scotch.
"Hey, I still hold out hope for Israel and Palestine. I'm an eternal optimist Will. Maybe you could just see what he wants to talk to you about? Or you could let me speak with him.…"
"No Mackenzie!" he shouted, startling her. "I told you I don't want you anywhere near him!" he slammed his glass to the counter, spilling half of his drink.
She jumped a little. "Okay, I'm sorry I suggested it. I'll stay away from him" she whispered, coming up behind him slowly. She had learned over the years that when he was upset, particularly if it related to his family, she needed to tread very carefully. She hadn't been lying when she'd told Jim she never feared Will or his temper. She did, however, fear that he might hurt her accidentally and never be able to forgive himself. It was one of the reasons it had taken her nearly a year to tell Will about her affair.
She carefully reached around him and took his glass and mopped up the spilled drink with a towel.
"I'm going to bed Will. Maybe when you've calmed down you'd like to join me," she said, patting his hand and padding down the hallway. She could hear him rattling around out there and knew he was just cooling off. Waiting until his anger had faded a bit and he could relax.
It felt odd being in this bed again, by herself, waiting for Will to join her. She tried to remember the last night she had spent here, but then quickly put it out of her mind. She had probably been lying awake, terrified to tell him the truth about Brian. Now, here she was again, lying awake waiting for Will to appear and soothe her fears.
She was nearly asleep when she felt the bed shift and Will's arms wrap around her waist and pull her to him.
"I'm sorry about earlier," he whispered.
"I know you are. You had every reason to be upset," she told him.
"Don't do that Mackenzie. Don't forgive me for hurting you. That's the same kind of shit my mother used to do."
"It's hardly the same thing Will. You have not, nor would you ever, abuse me."
"I still hurt your wrist didn't I? Doesn't matter whether I meant to or not," he answered glumly.
She turned in his arms and looked at his face, barely visible in a room lit only by the glow of the lights of New York City.
"You are not your father Will."
"Okay," he responded, with little enthusiasm.
"Hey, look at me," she said firmly, tilting his head up with her finger under his chin. "You are not that man and you never could be. Did you ever think that you probably became a lawyer so you wouldn't become him?" she asked.
"What?" he said, looking at her with confusion?
"You hate physical confrontation Will, you always have. But you love to argue. Being a litigator gave you free license to argue with people every day but with the near certainty that it could never become anything more than that."
He looked at her as if she had just put the missing piece of the puzzle into place for him. Oh Will, she thought, did you really not know this before?
"Billy, you still do it now. You argue with the staff, you argue with the guests….I think you'd argue with God himself if you could. It's why we've always gotten on so well. You know I enjoy it just as much as you do. I'm a worthy adversary and, better yet, our arguments are never violent or confrontational or mean-spirited. They are the exact opposite of everything you knew as a child."
She watched as his lip trembled and a tear rolled down his cheek.
"Oh Will, I thought you knew all this already. Hey, come here, it's okay" she whispered and rolled onto her back pulling his head down to rest on her chest. She could hear his deep, anguished sobs and felt his arms wrap around her like a vice.
"See, I told you that you could never be him. You've done everything in your power to make sure that you use your words to confront people, not your hands."
She heard his sobs quiet and felt his breathing even out. "Sleep Billy, we'll worry about the rest later, okay?" she said quietly.
"Thank you Mackenzie," he whispered around a yawn.
"You never have to thank me for being there for you Will," she told him and watched as he settled against her and began to drift to sleep.
"Love you Kenz," he whispered sleepily. She wasn't even sure he realized what he'd just said, but it still felt so damn good to hear it.
"I love you too Billy," she said quietly and rubbed her hand softly up and down along his back. She stared out at the lights of the city and wondered what tomorrow would bring and if they would be facing it together.