Intoxication
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
"Vinegar and cyanide," Shikamaru spat out the words as if they were venomous. "That's exactly what she smells like." He took another swig of alcohol before slamming down his mug on the bar counter. The beer took on the shape of a vortex as it violently sloshed around and foam flirted along the edges of the rim in the hopes of escape. A few droplets managed to break free, catapulting over the top of the sloshing chaos, showering the table in a drizzle of hazel brew.
Neji was seated to Shikamaru's right. He grabbed some of the napkins that were tucked under the glass bowl of complimentary mixed nuts and wiped at the spilled drink after seeing that no one else was going to take the initiative. He took an exaggerated breath in that allowed him to loudly sigh when the air was pushed out, hoping his drunken comrade caught on to his exasperation even in his aberrant state of intoxication. "I never took Shikamaru for a sloppy drunk," he grumbled as he wiped at the counter. He then got up in search of a trashcan to place the now soggy napkins.
"Me neither, but this is hilarious!" replied Kiba, who was seated to Shikamaru's left. Kiba's laughter continued as drunken friend started to sway, no longer able to maintain his own equilibrium in his seat. He was held back from falling off the barstool only by Kiba's steadying hand on his shoulder.
"Vinegar and cyanide, you said?" Kiba egged him on with a devious smirk. He was clearly getting enjoyment out of seeing his friend so uncensored.
"Aye," Shikamaru replied, suddenly straightening up in his seat. He stared wide-eyed at his mug partially filled with beer—as if it were the first time he'd ever seen such a thing—before grabbing on to it with both hands greedily. "And she foams at the mouth like this beer," he slurred while purposefully dumping the mug's remaining contents on the counter at the same time that Neji returned from his search for a trashcan.
"I—just—cleaned that," Neji muttered darkly. However, his eerily low voice was mostly drowned out by the loud din of Kiba's howling guffaw. He waited with barely contained anger until the beer on his side of the counter finished dripping onto the floor before sitting down again.
Neji abandoned his role of interim maid and decided to let Shikamaru make a mess if he was so inclined. He just hoped their disorderly conduct didn't get them kicked out . . . not that he really minded at this point. Wearily eying the still wet counter, he folded his hands in his lap and inspected the circus troupe next to him. Kiba was signaling for the bartender to approach, hopefully so he could get something to wipe the counter with, and Shino, who was sitting to Kiba's left and had yet to join the conversation, was tracing the movements of the recently expelled beer as it inched closer to his side of the table.
They were all in Konoha's local pub on a Friday night for their weekly "Testosterone Fest," as Kiba had dubbed it. When he was first invited, Neji had it described to him as a gathering where men could be men, allowed to let out their virile emotions to one another and act rambunctious, free of a woman's judgment or scorn. Neji oftentimes just used it as an excuse to get free beer and some mixed nuts.
"Hey bartender, this guy needs another draft!" Kiba yelled over the dull roar of music and the other customer's conversations, pointing his thumb in Shikamaru's direction.
Neji's eyes narrowed in annoyance. He wanted to direct his glare at Kiba but saw that Shikamaru's oscillating head was in the way. Grabbing a handful of spiky hair, he pushed Shikamaru's head onto the wet countertop so he could have an unobstructed view of Kiba. "Encourage this moronic behavior any more and you'll regret it," Neji muttered ominously and with a dark glare before releasing his hold on Shikamaru's head.
Kiba just smirked and continued ordering another round of beer for the four of them.
"Oh chill out, Neji," he said dismissively. "First of all, these drinks are on me—literally." He grinned at his pun as he looked down at his wet shirt. "And second, Shikamaru personally asked me to get him wasted . . . 'To help with the coping process' as he put it." His grin widened as he looked over at Shikamaru, whose pressed down head was lazily rolling back and forth on the table. Kiba patted him on the back. "Isn't that right, buddy?" His voice had an artificial sweetness to it, as if talking to a child.
Shikamaru, who apparently had passed out before, awoke with a jolt. Some of the spilled alcohol on the counter was sucked up his nose in a snort. "Huh . . . what?" he sputtered, straightening once more. "Hey . . . " He wiped at the side of his face. "Was it raining?"
"No, but you peed yourself," Kiba chimed, giving another boisterous laugh.
Shikamaru peered down at his beer-drenched lap, a confused look plastered all over his face. "But then . . ." He looked from Kiba and Shino, to Neji, and back. "How'd it get on my face?"
This innocent question made Kiba erupt into yet another fit of laughter. Shino and Neji both shook their heads in disapproval. Kiba said that he was doing this for Shikamaru's benefit, but his obvious amusement made it hard to believe this was truly an act of selflessness.
"And third—it's funny as hell!" Kiba snickered in between his gasps for air during his laughing fit.
Neji again forced another sigh. "Being drunk won't solve his problems. It just turns him into a blubbering, irrational fool," he contemned.
"I'm being perfectly rational," Shikamaru piped in. He made a quick grab for the nearest mug with a goofy smile on his face after the bartender came back with their next rounds. He started chugging and probably would have continued until the new mug was empty had Neji not gotten exasperated again and pried it out of his hands. Shikamaru simply shrugged, grabbed the beer resting in front of Neji's seated form, and drank from that instead.
"That was mine," Neji replied, bonking Shikamaru on the head with the cup in his hands. He wanted to hit Shikamaru harder but, unlike the drunkard sitting next to him, he did not want to risk making a bigger mess than was already splattered around their area.
"Oh yeah? Well . . ." Shikamaru paused to hiccup. "You snooze, you lose booze." He chortled at his own joke before hiccuping again.
Neji set down Shikamaru's mug out of the other man's reach. "Weren't you the one going on and on about how Temari was a well in the midst of Suna's deserts? It was just a couple of days ago that you wouldn't shut up about her smelling like chamomile and cookies . . ."
"Cookies?" Shino asked, raising an eyebrow and looking to Kiba for clarification.
"Not all the time. She baked them for him once or something," the other man explained as an aside. Shino responded with a nod of understanding and another sip of his drink.
"Nayyy," Shikamaru slurred, sounding like a cross between a stallion and a pirate. "I was drunk when I said that, too." He gave a bitter laugh. "Nay. She's barren. As barren as a desert." He gesticulated with his mug swinging in his hand as he spoke, which made Neji's eyebrow twitch every time the liquid inside sloshed dangerously close to the rim. "And it's as I said. She smells like disgusting vinegar and cyanide."
"Cyanide generally does not have a noticeable odor," Neji interjected. "And if it does, it smells like almonds, which, personally, I think smell fine." He could no longer stand watching Shikamaru wave his cup around and grabbed it from his hands, placing it next to the other mug to his right.
Shikamaru straightened up in his chair and his expression partially sobered as he turned toward his friend. "You've never been in love, have you?" His eyes, which before had been hazy and glazed over, were sharp and focused on Neji.
Neji's eyes, in turn, widened slightly in response.
"Me? No. That has never—and will never—happen," he said with a shrug, not understanding what his personal life had to do with Shikamaru's girlfriend problems.
Shikamaru guffawed. "Hah! I used to think that, too. You'll see . . . women have their venom that they'll use . . . even on someone like you." And with that last bit of consciousness over with, Shikamaru summarily keeled over and landed with a thud on the ground.
"Last person to say 'Not it' carries him home. Not it!" Kiba yelled, jumping out of his barstool and heading toward the exit before anyone else had time to react.
A/N: Hmm . . . Neji's never been in love? We'll see about that ;D