All right. So as much as I enjoyed the finale, I was saddened by the lack of closure between Jesse and Rachel. So this is my attempt at providing it. Hopefully, it isn't terrible.
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from Glee or any of its affiliates.
She remembered the way he'd been looking at her. But she'd have been damned if she had given him the satisfaction of indicating that she'd noticed his staring. And she remembered the nervousness fluttering around in her stomach in those final moments before the winner was announced. She had wanted to cry, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of that either. So she swallowed her tears and hung on to her teammates as they waited with bated breath. And she remembered the way his look had changed when Vocal Adrenaline was revealed as the winner and the way she almost broke down right then. But she was stronger than that, so she had willed herself to hang on. That had been worse than swallowing tears; she had feared she would have to swallow her dreams as well. For she knew glee club would be disbanded and all her hard work would go along with it.
Rachel Berry stood with her hands covering her face. She wasn't ready to face her teammates yet; she wasn't ready to face Finn yet. He'd said he loved her. She didn't doubt him. In fact, it was that she believed him that she couldn't face him yet. She needed to collect herself first. You're strong, Rachel. You are strong, she told herself. She didn't know how she was going to showcase her talents now. She had to make it to a music school, had to get multiple parts on Broadway. She was a star. She could barely believe the only school club she had ever truly cared about would soon be over. Where would she be then? Would Finn still want to love her? She so did not want to think about this. She just wanted to get herself together. And then she felt him staring at her again.
She didn't know what to think or feel about Jesse St. James anymore. She was sure she would never be able to be in a relationship with him ever again. He had also said he'd loved her. And then he and his group of callous minions had stomped all over her heart, leaving her to clean up her mess of emotions; not to mention a couple dozen eggs worth of goop from her hair and clothes. It was true Finn had broken her heart before as well. But he always seemed to find a way to end up back in it. She was grateful or that. But she needed this one thing from Jesse first. She needed to talk to him.
After her flop of a conversation with Shelby Corcoran, Rachel was avoiding her at all costs. So she decided she would wait until Jesse left the VA dressing rooms. A few minutes later she heard all-too-familiar footsteps treading down the hall. Gritting her teeth (and her resolve), Rachel set out to meet him.
He looked surprised to see her. "Congratulations," she said tightly. She knew he could probably tell she wasn't being sincere, but she tried not to think about it. She would simply do what she came to do. And that would be that. No problem. She took a deep breath.
"Rachel—" Jesse interjected.
Her eyes flashed. "Do not interrupt me, Jesse," she warned. "I don't care what you want right now. You're going to hear me out. After all, it's the least you could do." She brushed her hair back a little angrily.
Since he didn't say anything, she continued, "What you did to me is not okay. I know you think you're a star, and by definition, you are. However, I don't appreciate your sense of entitlement. Am I going to forgive you? Certainly I don't know. Nor does it matter at this point. Everything between us ended too abruptly. I'm not asking you to beg or to love me. I'm telling you to explain yourself. And then we can both move on."
She waited. He didn't say anything. "Well?" she asked, placing a hand on either hip.
Jesse sighed a little, his eyes unreadable. "There are a lot of things you're never going to be able to understand about being a star." He held up a hand before she could object. "I mean about the intricacies. Rachel, in a lot of ways, you're still unspoiled. Me? I've been in Vocal Adrenaline my whole high school career. It puts a lot of pressure on you; the way our group performs."
He paused. He expected Rachel to jump in with hot accusations and disapproval. She didn't. Little did he know, though, that those things were racing through her mind. She still looked upset as she tried to make sense of his words.
Okay, she thought. What is he getting at? Unspoiled? What did that mean? Surely he was not bringing up the fact that she was still a virgin. What did that have to do with anything? And she already knew New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline performed differently. New Directions put heart, feeling into their numbers. Although, in terms of choreography, Vocal Adrenaline was superior, to the VA members, that's all it was. Just choreography; just dancing. She was itching to interrupt, to ask questions. But she didn't. Truth be told, she was rather impressed with her efforts to keep quiet. She was nothing if not determined.
"Being in New Directions taught me a lot of things," he went on. "I wasn't used to not having every lead. That's not why I went back to Vocal Adrenaline," he added quickly. "But the fact remains; we both lied to and hurt each other."
Now she refused to stay quiet. "Excuse me! I don't see how an admittedly shortsighted mistake in making an artistic statement equates to telling me that you loved me and then leaving, betraying everything I ever felt for you! Okay," she admitted. "I hurt feelings. I honestly didn't mean to and I apologized. To all of you. And you came back.. But you, you, you crushed me! You tried to destroy me, tried to destroy the morale of New Directions. And maybe you won the trophy, maybe you even deserved it, though I happen to disagree, you will never have the heart to do the music you sing justice!"
Jesse's mouth fell open and he barely had time to call out "Hey, wait!" before Rachel stomped out. He went after her, grabbed her by the wrist and turned her around to face him. "Just stop attacking me for ten seconds and listen!" He threw his hands up in frustration. "You asked me to hear you out and I did. So just do the same for me."
Rachel obliged, albeit grudgingly. She may have wanted a giant eagle to swoop down and claw his eyes out at the moment, but she was trying to be fair. It was something she had been working on, with help from her fellow glee clubbers. She sighed heavily and glared daggers at him while she waited for him to go get back to his ego trip. People called her conceited and narcissistic! And she knew she could be, but she definitely didn't think she had reached Jesse's level of egomania.
"I'm now on my way to win four consecutive National titles," he began matter-of-factly. And here we go again, Rachel thought caustically. "And, of course, it's been thanks to me. But I realized when I was in New Directions that sometimes talent alone can't provide for you everything you need. That seriously messed with me. That was always the opposite of what I had been taught. Rachel, what I'm trying to say is…" he trailed off.
She bit her lip, thinking. What was he trying to say? She'd had enough of the arrogance. Next time he brought up winning another title, (inadvertently, or perhaps not, pointing out New Directions' loss), she would turn on her heel and walk off dramatically, regardless of what she "owed" him. God, did people really look at her like this? As some egotistical monster? She told herself she would keep working on it, but she knew in her heart it was probably too late for her to change now.
In the end, she decided to encourage him on. Maybe he would get to the point. "Yes?" she prompted.
Jesse ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the wall. "It doesn't matter what happens to me. And it doesn't matter what happens to you. I'm leaving this summer. And in a few years, you'll leave too. It's just that we were a part of each others' lives, whether we regret it or not. I got more than I bargained for when I realized I actually was in love with you. That wasn't supposed to happen! When Ms. Corcoran told me to come back to Carmel, I thought everything would go away. It didn't. So I had to learn to live with it, and so do you. I suppose I did it wrong, but I was never in that situation before. I was used to just having things my way. I like having things go my way. It's part of what makes me a star. You know what I mean. UCLA will be a new life for me, just like next year will be a new life for you. We don't have to hate each other to move on. That's another thing I realized. That's new actually. It came to me when I saw you watching Vocal Adrenaline's performance today." He gave his characteristic self-satisfied half-smile, half-smirk.
And she realized what he was saying actually made sense! Who would have guessed? He wasn't apologizing, exactly. And so neither would she. But he had done what she demanded. Explained. It wasn't exactly what she'd been looking for. (She could be honest with herself; she'd wanted to see Jesse a little more hurt). But maybe this was better. Maybe they could just be who they were. Rachel had always known deep down that Jesse's talent (and ego) were too big to keep him in a place like Ohio and that California would offer him the same opportunities that she hoped New York would offer her. Maybe glee club was over; it didn't mean that her dreams had to be, too. It would just require harder work. One of the few things Rachel Berry was good at (besides singing, of course) was setting goals. She was also good at reaching those goals. She didn't like to be tied down.
She figured she should probably say something. "Okay," she told him simply.
"Okay?" he echoed. He had just spent all that time and energy explaining himself to her and all she had to say was "okay"? Since when did Rachel Berry give one-word answers? What was going on?
"I can't say I'm not still hurt. But you were right; in the long run, it won't matter. In fact, I think I've learned from all this. Next time I meet someone as talented as I am, I should just stay away. I find I shine better in an environment in which I can lend my talent and expertise to those who need assistance—"
Jesse rolled his eyes. But before he could interrupt, Rachel got to the point. "I don't think I want to expect things from people anymore. Of course, I'm not saying things will actually happen this way because I know who I am. But I think I learned something from your time in New Directions as well. You and I are too alike to ever be fully compatible. And I know I want things badly, sometimes too badly. But I work hard and keep my promises. I don't need to let what you did to me hold me down. We're both just people now." She said the last line quietly.
And suddenly, she wasn't angry anymore. She certainly wasn't happy; not by any means. But she was going to take things as they came from now on. She would deal with glee club being over later and she would find a way to hold on to the friends she had made. And on to Finn. Besides, she was Rachel Berry. Since when did Rachel Berry give up? On anything?
Jesse was standing in front of her, looking at her intensely. "See, " he said. "This is all there is for us." He took her hand and squeezed it gently.
Knowing this was all the apology she was going to get from him, she squeezed back before letting go. He gave her a small smile and sang softly, "Any way the wind blows…" She realized it was simplifying everything they had both just said to each other; wrapping it up. She smiled back at him and turned to make her way back to Finn.
This was it. This was what she needed from Jesse. Not for him to be eaten by a large, jungle-dwelling feline. Not for him to fall off a cliff or to beg for forgiveness. Just this one thing. Closure.
But something stopped her and she turned to face him again. "Jesse, congratulations," she said again. Only this time, strangely enough, she actually kind of meant it.
She smiled to herself as she went to tell Finn that she loved him too, and to tell the other glee clubbers about her epiphany. She didn't feel good, necessarily. But she felt better. She knew the only thing that would be worse than glee club getting disbanded would be to give up entirely. And that just wasn't something Rachel Berry did. Not the Rachel Berry she knew; the Rachel Berry that Finn loved.
Feeling her resolve harden again, she quietly hummed lines from "Bohemian Rhapsody" to herself. She was willing to fight for what she loved. And, even better than that, she was ready. So she would let the wind blow any way it was wont to; she would let life happen.
Rachel was just outside the New Directions dressing rooms, where she knew her teammates were probably miserable. Would she be able to deal with them? Inform them of all the things her closure with Jesse had made her come to realize? Tell them that if you love something, it's never over? She knew none of those things would probably be easy.
Bring it, she thought, and opened the door.
Yes? No? Meh?
I would seriously appreciate your reviews on this; whether you liked it or not. As a writer, it helps me know what I'm doing wrong or, with any luck, right.
Also, I'm kind of working on another thing for Glee. So if anyone would like to or is willing to be a beta, please let me know. I would really appreciate it. I mean, it would be really awesome.
Have a good day/night/morning/evening. (And review, of course!)
Take care.
Chao.
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