Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own NCIS or the amazing characters, or sadly anything else but this laptop I am typing on. *tear*

It had been three weeks. Exactly twenty one days since the rescue. Life still seemed surreal. Sometimes, she would pinch her arm just to make sure that this wasn't a hallucination, a cruel trick her own mind was playing on her. For a moment everything would seem okay and she would feel safe. But just as quickly as that moment was given to her, it was stolen from her by the past.

She couldn't focus on the little bit of paper work in front of her. Never mind working, she could barely breathe. She would be able to type sentence or two, and then was ripped from reality, taken to a distant place and time…back to the hot summer months in Somalia… back to her small, grey, damp, lonely cell… back to the torture…back to the pain…back to the humiliation…back to hell.

She was angry at herself. She shouldn't be this weak. Her father had not raised her this way, had not raised any of his children this way. Her stomach turned at the thought of him…her father. How could he have done this to her… his only living child? The only person she was angrier at than herself, was her father. Her father had given Rivkin the orders to gain her trust, to her love, to take pieces of her she could never replace. Her father had made her question if she could trust her team, her real family. Her father had given her the mission, the orders, and the death sentence.

She hated him. She hated him for what he had done to her. She hated him for making her hate herself. She stopped herself at that thought… she hated herself.

The self realization brought her back to reality. She looked at the computer only to realize she hadn't typed a single word in nearly five minutes. She quickly scanned the room to make sure no one had caught her lost in her own thoughts. Gibbs was off somewhere, McGee was filling out some kind of form, seeming very preoccupied with his brow furrowed, and Tony… Tony was staring directly at her. Shit.

"Can I help you Tony?" She said trying to sound annoyed. Trying to hide her inner most secrets. She hoped to get some sort of witty comeback thrown at her. Hell, at this point she would have settled for some perverted comment that only someone as immature as DiNozzo could come up with. She received exactly what she dreaded the most: a look of worry painted across his face.

Tony got up and walked across the bullpen, never taking his off hers for a second. Her heart began to race. She felt for a few seconds as if he could read her mind, as if Tony could see right into her damaged, degraded soul. She quickly put on her best mask, one that she had perfected long ago. One that portrayed calmness and indifference. One that hid the pain, suffering, and the haunted past that she holds.

Tony came around her desk and sat on the corner.

"Are you okay Ziva?" he asked sounding so worried, so compassionate, so understanding. Like that she could spill out her soul right then and there to him, and it would all be okay. He sounded so…not Tony.

She couldn't let his new demeanor pull down the walls that took so much training and years to build. She couldn't let him see the pain behind the mask.

"I am fine Tony." She sated causally putting on her best smile.

"Ok then."

He smiled back at her and walked back to his desk. He skeptically looked at her one last time before turned back to his computer and began typing.

She took a deep breath and began to type. She wished he didn't believe her. She wanted desperately to yell across the bullpen and tell him she was not okay, that she was far from okay. She wanted to just run so bad from her abused mind, from her torturous thoughts, from her horrid memories. She wanted to scream and cry and just have a breakdown, right there in front of everyone. She wanted Tony to hold her as she cried. She wanted so bad to tell Tony what Saleem and his evil men had did to her, how they tortured her, how they had degraded her… how they had ruined her.

She stopped herself again, catching herself getting lost in her thoughts. She scanned the room once again to find McGee had now left. Tony once again, was scanning her soul for an answer to an unasked question.

"Ziva, are you sure you're doing ok?" Tony questioned with even more concern this time.

She bit her lower lip. This was her chance, her chance to release her demons, set them free from her soul. She couldn't. No. She wouldn't. She refused to be weak. No, there way no way she could let these secrets escape. But, how she wanted to so bad. The secrets and past she held within her, were killing her slowly from the inside out. Eating her soul so that she was just a hallow, empty shell. But she couldn't… but…

Ziva closed her eyes tight as she swallowed hard. Taking a deep breath, she opened her tear filled eyes to face Tony worried ones.

"No, Tony, I am not okay."

Hey Everyone! I was considering making this a multichap story. Review and let me know where you guys would like to see it go.