IF YOU DON'T READ THIS, JASON WILL SLICE YOU TO PIECES WITH HIS CHAINSAW.

Nah, I'm just kidding. But Russia might stuff his pipe up your ass. Chainsaw looking pretty tame now?

Warning: Lemon, Ameripan, oral, tentacle porn, mention of sounding, toys, mention of USCan, lotsa bad luck going on, folks.

Disclaimer: Hetalia will always be my good luck charm, but I do not own it. Oh! I broke a mirror. Where is he? *tosses Iggy over shoulder* There, all better! XD

Anything-But-Casual Friday

Alfred was squirming in his bed by the time his alarm went off. His eyes flew open and he relaxed when he realized it was only a buzzer.

"No…" he groaned and blinked drowsily. "Ah, man, 's too early…" He peered over at his Captain America action figure that was standing erect by the clock. "I thought I told you to shut that off after I set it so that I'd 'oversleep'?"

As usual, Captain America just stood there. Looking awesome. Alfred sat up and swung his legs over the side of the hotel bed. He smiled and laughed. "Nah, I could never hate you. You're, like… me. That'd be pretty weird, heh."

He stood and yawned, going to the bathroom to empty his bladder and scrub the crust out of his eyes. Then he moved slowly out to the room and sat on his bed, too lazy to stand while he got dressed. He decided to explore how hard it was to get his pants on while at least one part of him was touching the mattress. He wriggled about while he talked to his action figure. Arthur called him a doll, but Alfred told him that dolls were for girls, and action figures were for boys, duh. "I was having such a good dream. There was, like, this huge pair of tits and I got lost in the middle. I'm pretty sure they were Ukraine's… you know, without all the whining that comes with her and all." He huffed as he bounced, trying to get his pants up around his ass and having an disturbingly hard time of it. "Damn, alarms are the cockblocks of wet dreams. Why do these meetings have to be so early anyway? I don't even have time to get rid of my morning boner and I'm usually half hard during the whole thing and I have to keep adjusting myself and England gives me these weird looks like I just flashed him or something…" It was then that Alfred nearly fell chin-first into the nightstand. He just managed to catch himself and was in the middle of lifting himself up when his eyes went to the calendar.

He gave a scream and jumped back like he'd been bitten, rolling off the bed backward and hitting the opposite all. He was stuck between the bed and the wall in a V position, his legs sticking up and fighting against his loose pants to right himself. When he finally managed to get himself free, he looked at Captain America and said, "I meant to do that." Then his eyes went over to the calendar again to confirm it. "The thirteenth. It's Friday the 13th. Holy shit, when did that happen?!" He jumped up and ran around the room. "Shit, I forgot my good luck charms!" Well, one was gone forever. He'd once come home to find Tony stewing his rabbit's foot and that was the end of that. But at least he had that little baggie of Lucky Charms. He didn't forget that.

"Dreams," Alfred thought, pacing. "If you dream about death it means life, but if you dream about life… crap, what are boobs supposed to mean? And, thank God, I didn't sleep with my feet toward the door… that's good. And… oh, fuck, my pants!" He'd put on his pants left leg first. He quickly pulled them off and rushed around the room in his underwear, panicking. "Salt, salt, where the fuck is my salt?"

He dug through everything, but it was useless. He slumped. "No use. I forgot it. Shit, Tony probably used it all. He's got a sodium problem. And he keeps worrying about me and my weight, yeah right. This is all muscle…" He sat there, his mind spinning, and then he jumped to his feet. "Pepper!" He grabbed his coat and sped out the door. He didn't even take the elevator. Elevators weren't for emergencies (the little sticker on the inside told you that), and he needed to get some pepper, fast.

Another corner rounded, and he was jamming into that continental breakfast room like Chuck Norris when he wants to kick someone's ass. Or just get pepper himself. Hell, he probably jammed like that all the time. "Pepper! I NEED ME SOME PEPPER, Y'ALL!"

There was this family with two little girls sitting across the room, and the father was holding the pepper, staring at him like he was some freak of nature. But Alfred couldn't give a fuck, as he shot over there and snatched up the pepper shaker… pressed his nose to it, and inhaled. It took a few tries, but soon he sneezed. Two more times, and his bad luck was gone. He wiped his now running nose with the back of his hand and then wiped it on the tablecloth. The family was still staring up at him. He leaned on the table casually. "Uh… nice morning, innit?"

They just kept on staring, and Alfred found that a little rude. He was about to say something, when he heard a familiar voice humming 'Rule, Britannia!' and he turned around to see Arthur strolling into the room, newspaper and tea in his hand. Curious as to why everything was so quiet, the Briton looked up and spit his tea all over the floor. He blinked for a few seconds before he laughed, "Wahaha, interesting choice of knickers, yank!"

"What?" Alfred looked down and only then did he notice… he was getting quite a revealing draft down in his man parts. "Oh, crap!" He covered his crotch with his hands and the father of the two girls covered their eyes because Alfred still had some morning wood going on. His face burned as he fled the room, hearing Arthur's high, ringing laugh behind him. He took the stairs this time, and they were a bitch in the morning. He talked to himself to stem his embarrassment. "Dunno why England was laughing at my boxers." he grumbled. "He's just jealous he's not a brony."

The rest of the day didn't get much better for Alfred. When he arrived at the meeting (with his pants on), he found shortly after he'd entered the room that he'd walked under a ladder. Then Francis came skipping up to him out of nowhere and gave him a nice little gift. That's what Alfred thought just before he put it on, finding it was a neck piece inlaid with an opal. After chucking said gem in Francis's snickering face, Ivan pissed him off so much he punched him—or rather punched the mirror he was holding after previously retrieving it from his big-ass coat (probably from that thrift shop down the road). For some reason, during the whole meeting (in which Alfred's every hair was standing on edge) crows kept flying past and pecking on the windows near him. It was weird that Arthur kept twirling his fingers around and muttering under his breath (and the air seemed to be fizzing around him, but Alfred was sure that was just his mind playing tricks on him), but Alfred thought nothing of it and tried to keep from sinking completely beneath the table. Then he quickly sat up, because he was starting to feel faint, and sleeping under a table was bad, bad luck.

When the meeting adjourned for lunch, Alfred decided to go out with Heracles (he was pretty chill, and he had nothing against him… right?), sitting down to dig in only to see him petting a black cat on his lap. He nearly tripped over the chair to get out of there and didn't realize he'd stepped on a crack (multiple ones) until it was too late. He kind of hoped that it did break Arthur's back, though, so he wasn't as worried about that.

The meeting continued, and just as they were filing back into the room Yao dropped a coin. "Oops. Could you get that for me, America?"

"Uh… sure…" Alfred was hesitant, but his fingers were already on the coin and there was no going back when he realized it was tails-up. He dropped it immediately and proceeded to freak out, and everyone laughed. He steamed as he stomped back to his seat, crossed his arms, and plunked down. But he was shivering like crazy and he hoped no one heard his teeth chattering. Then Gilbert (why the fuck was he there anyway?) put his shoes on the table and Alfred just about fell backward out of his seat. He would have enjoyed seeing Ludwig chewing Gilbert out if not for the shoes still being on the table. He stared at them, eye twitching (not the left, never the left), ready to flip it over when the meeting finally ended. Exhausted, Alfred headed for the door.

… And then Feliciano caught up with him. "Ve, America, it's raining outside. I have an umbrella you could borrow."

Alfred was so incoherent he barely registered what Feliciano was saying, exhausted from trying to avoid bad luck. He took the umbrella. "Uh, yeah, thanks, brah." But no sooner was it in his hand that it opened. He stared at it, half in disbelief, half in defeat.

"Sorry!" Feliciano squeaked. "Roma made me…"

"Take that, arrogant bastard!"

Then Alfred went back home and took a long bath… full of saltwater from the million packets he'd stolen from the continental breakfast room.

Kiku gathered his dirtiest mangas and freakiest pornos before heading to his couch. He collapsed into it, but not before putting one of the porn flicks in and turning on his television. His hand was already half in his pants. All the windows were closed. His door was triple locked (a precaution against Francis), the neighbors were well asleep by now, and the big-titted girl on screen was starting to scream as a tentacle monster appeared—

… And then his doorbell rang. He stiffened. "Who is it at this time of night?" He paused the hentai regretfully and got up to see to the door. He sighed as he reached it. "France-san, I told you if you came one more time, I would call the police—"

"Japan, bro, it's me. Let me in."

Kiku frowned in confusion. "America-san?" He opened the door and, sure enough, Alfred was standing there, bulky bag in his hands. "America-san, what are you doing here? Have you made a mistake with your timing again? It's night here…" He took in a strong scent of salt. "You didn't swim here, did you?"

Alfred looked out of his wits and he was shivering. "Hell no, man. Now let me in. It's scary dark out here."

Kiku frowned at Alfred inviting himself in, but then again the American always did that, so what had he been expecting? Alfred continued to walk into his home, just remembering to toe off his shoes and hang his coat up (he missed the hook, but he didn't feel like bending down to pick it up so he just left it there) before heading for the kitchen. "Man, I'm starving. Pig balls, tofu, crazy-ass octopus ice cream—pretty fucking freaky, but still not as gross as England's jellied eels, or haggis, or most of the stuff he calls 'pudding.' D'ya think he just ran out of names for all the weird shit he made or he just doesn't want to put people off by calling it what it actually is?"

Kiku was used to Alfred's sheltered tastes—more like no taste. He normally wasn't one to snap back at an insult, but he decided this one wasn't exactly snapping. "America-san, you have eaten bull's testicles before, yes?"

Alfred was already in the kitchen by now, messing up his fridge as per usual. All that careful packaging and alphabetizing… wasted. "Um… y-yeah, but it was only one time, I swear! It's not really my fault anyway 'cause I thought they were shellfish. Whadaya expect when someone calls something a 'Rocky Mountain oyster' and gives it to you? It was a cheap trick!"

"… I am sure that oysters do not live in the Rocky Mountains."

Alfred didn't say anything for a moment. There was only the sound of Kiku's containers moving around in the fridge—soft cries of agony from his delicate food. "Whatever. How am I supposed to know where oysters live and shit? I'm not some friggin' scientist…"

"I believe that would be a marine biologist." It was then that he heard Alfred finishing up in the kitchen (and effectively ignoring him, surely trashing his cabinets as well). And Kiku remembered he had scandalizing tentacle porn paused on his television screen and he darted back into the living room, quickly turning it over to satellite T.V. No sooner that he'd done so then Alfred shuffled into the room, holding a plate of… something. "Hey, man, where are your forks?"

Kiku was so relieved he'd switched channels in time that he barely felt the usual exasperation he had at such comments. "America-san, I have told you already. I use chopsticks. I have no forks."

A few mintues later and Alfred had a pair. But no sooner had he taken them in hand then they suddenly broke. Kiku stared. "Um… try not to hold them so hard."

Alfred's brow furrowed. "Huh? What, I'm holding them too hard? Psh, this is how I hold everything. These things are just flimsy…"

Kiku fetched him three more pairs before he finally managed to hold them without actually snapping them in two. He turned back to his food. "Ah, it can't be hard to use these things. I see people using them all the time!" Minutes passed and then Alfred looked unnaturally nervous (which was expected from all of what Kiku had seen earlier), struggling to hold the chopsticks properly. Eventually, he just discarded them and huffed. "Whatever, who needs those anyway? I can just do this!" Kiku watched with horror (and a little disgust) as Alfred lifted his plate to his lips and proceeded to suck the food off of it. Kiku stared and hoped that would be enough for Alfred to stop, but he just kept on, and once again Kiku was forced to witness one of the many peculiarities of Alfred. His eye twitched as he watched. Not many things bothered him, but someone slurping up his food was definitely something that got to him. He was so busy brooding that he didn't notice until Alfred had finished half the plate off that… he probably shouldn't be eating that.

Finally Alfred noticed him staring and glanced up at him. "What?"

"Nothing,"

"This is… actually pretty good. What is it?"

"Uh… fish…" Kiku said vaguely, hoping he wouldn't notice.

Alfred continued to stare at him for a few moments before shrugging and finishing off his plate. Kiku was relieved when the ordeal was over. Never again.

"Ah," Alfred reclined on the couch—actually reclined, lifting the whole couch up a bit. "That was good. At least I'm not hungry anymore, haha!"

"Um… America-san," Kiku began in confusion. "Why are you here?"

Alfred sat forward and the whole couch came back down so fast that Kiku had to hold onto the arm to keep from faceplanting into the carpet. "Oh yeah! You know I'm uh… superstitious, right? Well, uh… I-I decided that heroes are too cool for superstition, so I brought all the Friday the 13th movies and kind of wanna have a marathon… just so that I won't be scared anymore, y'know?"

Kiku's dick, which had been standing half-hard in his pants without his knowing, went completely limp. "H-how many movies are there?"

"Twelve,"

Kiku winced. "Ah, I don't think I will be able to—"

"Aw, c'mon!" Alfred urged. "Please?"

Kiku sighed. Alfred was his friend; how could he say no? That and if he kicked him out, he would most likely get lost and he didn't want to be responsible for that… "Is there a reason I was chosen to participate in this?"

"England would laugh at me and slam the door in my face, France would try to assault me, Mattie's igloo is too fucking cold (and he's a total pussy—wouldn't wanna give him nightmares, haha), and I don't know where anyone else lives."

Kiku sighed. "All right. Get the movies."

And so it was that Kiku and Alfred shared a couch while watching the corny slasher films one after the other. Just get it over with. they both thought, though for different reasons entirely. Alfred just wanted to get over his fear and Kiku just wanted to jerk off.

It went on and on and on, the acting getting worse and the plot more monotonous as the movies continued. Kiku found himself getting more and more bored, while Alfred squirmed next to him, whimpering a bit and holding a pillow in front of his face, peeking around it occasionally only to squeak and dart back behind it. Kiku watched idly, confused as to why these films were so popular. There was no artistry, no creativity, no talent, just pure unadulterated… crap, really. How could this possibly scare anyone?

"WAH!" Suddenly Alfred was attached to his arm with the rev of a chainsaw. "LOOK OUT, HE'S COMING FOR YOOOOUUUU!"

Kiku tried to get away, but failed miserably. Really, he feared Alfred's grip may break his arm. "America-san, you're—"

"OH MY GOD." Alfred continued to shout. "HOLY SHIT, HE'S GOING TO GET YOU! RUUUUN!"

Kiku had to stop this, or he might just lose his arm… and his hearing. "America-san— you're crushing me!" But, once again, Alfred didn't hear him, too busy screaming at every move the killer made onscreen. Kiku groped desperately for the remote and found it, aiming it at the T.V. and pushing any button that he could to stop the movie.

When he heard the movie go off, Kiku slumped back into the couch and sighed. Alfred's grip loosened and he scooted back a bit. "Wha… what the hell…" Kiku was currently rubbing his temples, trying his best to ignore him. It was one in the morning and they were only through three of the slasher films. And Kiku was typically an early riser. "The hell is this shit?"

It was then that Kiku heard it: the slimy squish of what he knew were tentacles and the shrill scream and hurried pleading of the girl they were attacking. He looked up, his heart jumping into his throat. "Oh no… oh, I am sorry, I-I…" The remote was slippery in his hands as he fumbled to turn it the right way around and press the pause button. But just when he'd gotten it turned properly about and aimed, the device was snatched out of his hand. "America—"

"Wait a sec," Alfred said, eyes trained on the screen. He was still clutching the pillow to his chest, the remote in his other hand, curiously not as shocked or disgusted as Kiku thought he would have been. "I've heard about this stuff… tentacles, huh? I've never watched tentacle porn, but I guess it's pretty good if you have it, haha!"

Kiku was terrified, and he flinched at every scream, beg, moan, and squelch. "America-san, you cannot possibly… I-I have regular hentai—" Anything was better than this. Oh, wait a second, not anything.

"Shh!" Alfred hissed and, to Kiku's horror, turned the volume up.

A few minutes in, and Kiku's face was burning. Another few minutes, and the flush had spread to his ears and neck. He didn't want to look at the screen, not with Alfred sitting next to him, and hearing all those sounds was making him… painfully aroused. He hadn't gotten off in a while, so it was only understandable. He hoped Alfred wouldn't see (as he currently had all the pillows around him like a fort), but the American was too focused on the porn to pay much mind. Alfred didn't even blink. How the hell was this not awkward for him?

"No, please!" the buxom girl on screen begged as the monster tore off her already skimpy clothing. Her breasts immediately popped out, bouncing far too slowly (kind of like Ukraine's), her nipples long and pointed. The tentacles wrapped around them and another penis-shaped one ventured lower. "Please, not my pussy!"

Kiku pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. He couldn't watch this. Not when he knew Alfred was seeing the same thing. But he couldn't look away… this was after all one of his best porn flicks.

One tentacle was stuffing her mouth while the other breached her insides. She gave a muffled scream and it began thrusting roughly into her. Alfred was intrigued. More than intrigued—aroused. Sure, he'd watched plenty of porn, but this was completely foreign to him. All of a sudden he wished he'd discovered this sooner. He struggled to adjust his half-hard cock without Kiku taking notice.

The pace picked up, and the tentacle cock was out of the girl's mouth, and she was rambling away at ridiculous things. But they were hardly concerned with her words; the rhythmic, merciless thrusting drew all of their attention. In and out, in and out, stretching, breasts bouncing, the cock actually growing in her. And then…

Alfred turned off the television.

It had been about to get to the good part, but Kiku didn't say anything. He swallowed when Alfred looked at him. His face was red. "Uh… I-I was thinking…"

"Hai?" Kiku prompted, and he winced when his voice sounded breathless.

"Um… th-those movies kind of… freaked me out a bit. But not that much. I just… I-I think it would help me, you know, forget about it all so that I can sleep if I… uh…" He didn't know how quite to say it. This was Kiku! He was afraid the man would run to his room and lock the door if he said anything remotely explicit. So, he moved the pillow away from him.

Kiku's eyes widened with the sight of Alfred's prominent tent. "Oh… well, um, we can just… turn the porn back on and—"

"No," Alfred said, his eyes going downcast. He wrung his hands nervously. He really didn't want to be kicked out at one in the morning in the middle of a place he didn't know well… "I'm… I'll come—but I don't want to… yet."

Kiku could say he felt the same way, but then again he didn't go about voicing things like that. So all he could offer was an awkward, "Oh,"

They sat there in silence for a few moments, shifting where they sat. More than once, Alfred's hand went down to adjust his hard-on and Kiku found his eyes following the movement. He had to force his gaze away, but when it happened again, he couldn't help but look. Oh God, it had grown. There was definitely no getting out of this. And when Alfred's hand lingered on the tent in his pants, fingers pressing insistently—

"America-san… I think I know what you mean."

Alfred looked up hopefully, not even bothering to take his hand away from his crotch. "Yeah?"

"Hai," Kiku scooted closer to him, and he was forced to reveal his own erection. He felt like he couldn't possibly flush any deeper. "You want… um…" His mind was groping for anything to divert his attention from the conversation, and he was greeted with gazing at Alfred's fingers now rubbing in slow circles around his trapped cock. He swallowed.

Alfred didn't realize what he'd been doing until he noticed that Kiku wasn't talking anymore and followed the direction of his eyes. But instead of stopping, he lifted his hand… and placed it on Kiku's bulge.

Kiku's mouth flew open and he nearly shot back across the couch—if it wasn't for Alfred locking onto his shoulder with a vice grip. "A-A-America-s-san…!"

"Jeez, calm down." Alfred huffed, rubbing the hidden cock just like he had his own. "I just wanna feel it, gosh." But his face was on fire as well.

Alfred was touching him. The only person who had ever done that against his will was Francis, but then again Francis did that to everyone, he was bound to be groped sometime. Alfred was his friend, though. If he pushed him away—

Kiku was snapped out of his thoughts as he felt Alfred unzip his fly. "W-w-what are you doing?!"

"Cool it." Alfred told him, trying not to be nervous himself. "I wanna see it."

Kiku bit his lip, unable to do anything but stare as Alfred worked off the button and revealed Kiku's bulging underwear. As soon as Alfred saw it, he wanted to see all of it. Before Kiku could do anything, he pulled down the waistband of the man's shorts and grabbed his hard cock.

Of course, Kiku flipped the fuck out. "America-san!"

"You're wet," Alfred observed, and Kiku once again wished that Alfred would think to censor his thoughts before saying them aloud. The younger man peered up at him, appearing flustered but confident. "Uh… I wanna fuck. You game?"

The question was so abrupt and blunt that Kiku nearly launched himself off the couch and out his own door. Instead, he forced himself to stay still and say, "I-I… normally I plan my, um, intimacy—"

Alfred wrinkled his nose. "Dude, you are so uptight. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous!"

Kiku sputtered. "N-not this spontaneous, surely!" He wasn't used to this sort of thing. His life was order and organization—he couldn't just rush into stuff. For example, tonight's schedule was supposed to be Eat Supper, Feed Dog, Watch Porn, to Bed at Midnight. Now it was two in the morning and Kiku knew he wouldn't get much sleep as long as Alfred was here. He'd been expecting a lot of things, but certainly not sex!

"Bro, don't look so shocked. I'm not asking you to marry me, just to let me fuck you."

Kiku's eyes went as wide as saucers at that. "America-san, I-I cannot do that!" Oh, hell no. He would be sore as anything when it was through and he doubted Alfred would want to go for just one round.

Alfred scoffed, hand now moving on Kiku's cock, wrapped around the shaft and moved slowly up and down, slicking it with precum. "Don't tell me you watch this stuff and stockpile tons of dirty manga and sex toys and not use them at all?"

"H-how did y—?"

"Nothing gets past the hero… and I mistook one of the vibrator remotes for a T.V. remote." Kiku wanted to sink into the floor. "Anyway, I kinda wanna get all these slasher images out of my mind, so… Imma suck you now."

"What?" Kiku shouted, but Alfred was already on the floor, Kiku's efforts to hold his legs together nothing compared to Alfred's brute strength in pulling them apart. He clutched them so that Kiku couldn't escape and peered up at him through his lashes as he extended a tongue to test the head, still pumping the shaft with his hand. Kiku gripped the arm of the couch and covered his mouth.

"America-sa—oh, mmm,"

"Mmmm~" Alfred answered, taking the head into his mouth and suckling it. He pulled off of it. "Wow, you're really hard. You love that kind of porn, huh?" His hand dipped down to get a feel of Kiku's balls, and the man whined. "It wasn't bad. In fact, I kinda liked it. Wonder what else I'll find out I like about you tonight? Heheh." Alfred's smirk made Kiku look away, but it certainly didn't hold in his moan as he felt Alfred tongue his slit. Alfred was quite aggressive as well; digging the tip of his tongue down into the oriface, as if trying to imitate the tentacles. Kiku was ashamed that the thought aroused him. He watched Alfred pull away, a thick strand of saliva following his lips. "Hmm, weird. It's kind of… big for a piss slit." Kiku held his breath, but Alfred proved more perceptive than he thought possible and leered up at him. "Oh? Sounding rods? Well, I haven't found those yet, but I'm sure you have them around here somewhere. So, how did it feel to have your dick stuffed? You like it?" Kiku stammered, and Alfred laughed. "'Course you did. Should I try it sometime or do you not recommend it?" He didn't wait for answer as he went down on Kiku again.

Kiku couldn't deny that he was into it now. Deeply. He weaved his fingers through Alfred's hair as he bobbed his head on his cock. "A-America-sa—y-you don't have to… oh! Please don't do that!"

Alfred stopped abruptly and peered up at him in question, his fingers pressing at Kiku's puckered hole. "What? Don't tell me you've never taken it up the ass."

Kiku had to look away, because he had in fact taken many things up his ass, things that would kill him by admitting. He hoped Alfred's perceptive streak was through. "N-no, I have, but…"

Alfred snorted and rolled his eyes. "Dude, it's just us two. You don't have to be so conservative. It's just sex. Everyone has it."

Kiku's eyes once again found Alfred's cock, still trapped within the confines of his jeans, and he felt a hot flush go through him. If he were to say he didn't want this, he would be lying in the highest sense. Alfred was right—it was just them, and there was no denying that Kiku had thought about (even dreamed about) having Alfred in his bed. Or on his couch. Or on his office desk. Or in his outdoor bath. Or this weird one of riding on the back of Nyan Cat, except it wasn't a cat, it was a penis that shot rainbows…

Where was he?

Oh yeah. He wanted it. Fair enough. But he didn't want to come across as demure. He was one of the oldest countries in the world and had an extensive collection of porn and fetishes. Alfred shouldn't have any sort of advantage in this. He was about to pull Alfred off of him to show him just how 'conservative' he was when he felt an unusual amount of saliva coat his cock.

Alfred sat back and moved his tongue around his mouth, touching his lips with his fingers. "W-wha the fuck, man? It feelth like my tongue ith numb."

Kiku tried to hide his smile. "Oh?"

"Ugh," Alfred's lips flapped a bit as he spoke. He was so confused. "Wha the hell wath tha'?"

Kiku decided it fitting to tell him, a hint of a laugh creeping into his voice. "Um… you ate pufferfish."

Alfred's head snapped up to stare at him, eyes wide. "Wha? Aren't thothe suppothed 'o 'e poithonouth?"

It was a good thing Kiku was practiced at retaining a hard-on, or else he'd be completely soft out of amusement. "Hai… but I did not realize until you ate it all. Sorry." No, I'm not. he thought with an inward smirk, though he regretted losing Alfred's pleasurable blowjob.

Alfred sputtered and tried to blow a raspberry, but only ended up spewing spit everywhere. "How am I suppothed to have thex like thith? It'th a total turn-off!"

"No, it isn't." Kiku assured. But it was hilarious as fuck. He kept that part secret as he laid back on the couch and invited Alfred to him. "If you want to fuck me, do it."

Alfred gave him a shocked look before standing and pulling his shirt over his head. Kiku made a point of studying him thoroughly, especially when his pants came off and even more so when he stepped out of his underwear (why were there cartoon ponies on them?) to reveal his half-hard cock. It was bigger than he'd thought, though he was quite used to stuffing things much bigger than Alfred up his ass. But those were only toys. This was a real, hot cock that would satisfy him and wouldn't hurt his wrist afterward.

Kiku could sense the American's eagerness and let him undress him. Alfred's fingers fumbled with obvious excitement (most likely at Kiku's willingness) and it took longer than usual to bare Kiku completely. Once he was, though, Alfred took him in. "Wow, you do loo' li'e a girl…" Alfred muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Nothin'." Alfred was situating himself above him when he realized something. "Uh… wouln't it be be'er if we di' it on the bed?"

It took a moment for Kiku to translate (as he was enjoying Alfred's body). "No, I have done many such things on this couch… though I do clean it afterward. Thoroughly." he assured. "Why?"

Alfred shrugged. "Well, I 'unno… you're ol' an' crap…"

Kiku was unamused. "You think I'm old?" He sat up and took Alfred's wrist. "I'll show you old." And he dragged Alfred to his room. Luckily for him, Alfred was so flustered at what was happening that he was rendered weak enough to be tossed onto Kiku's bed.

"Whoa," Alfred laughed weakly as Kiku crawled onto him. He didn't know how to exactly handle a sexy Kiku. He had honestly been expecting to be the one who would initiate everything. Perceiving Kiku after all this would certainly be… different. Vastly. "Hey, when di' you ge' tho frithky?"

Kiku liked Alfred's lisp. On top of being endlessly humorous, it was somewhat endearing. That and it just added all the more to Kiku's sexual advantage. He reached down and grabbed Alfred between his legs, earning a surprised grunt. "You're not ready yet. I will have to help you, then." Within moments, he was face to face with Alfred's cock. He wasted no time grabbing it up and wrapping his mouth around it.

"Oh fu'!" Alfred forced his hips to keep still instead of plunging into Kiku's hot, skilled mouth. Only a few seconds, and he was rock hard, but Kiku only swallowed him more. His mouth was so small around him and he was taking him so deep, he doubted he could last for long.

Alfred's taste left something to be desired, but Kiku liked how he filled his mouth. Imagining how he would fill his ass was even better. His tongue ran over the head, invading the slit just like Alfred had. At the least he expected Alfred to uncomfortably squirm—he hadn't expected for his hips to drive into him and for his cock to plunge down his throat. When Kiku gained control of his gag reflex, he looked up at Alfred and was not disappointed by what he saw.

"Oh fu', 'ik," Alfred moaned, flushed all over and heavy of breath. "Fu', juth—Go', I wan' you." Seeing Kiku's lips around his cock was all Alfred needed to want more.

Holding down a smirk, Kiku complied whole heartedly, releasing Alfred's cock and giving it a few more pumps before straddling him. Alfred could only stare. What the fuck kind of universe had he been dumped into?

"Would it be wrong of me to say that I've wanted you before?" Alfred's attention snapped right back to Kiku then, who he was surprised to find was inches from his face. His lips brushed Alfred's, tasting of his precum. His cock twitched, and a smile formed on Kiku's lips that Alfred had never seen.

"I've wan'ed you 'oo." Alfred said earnestly. Because it was earnest. The first time he'd had a wet dream about Kiku, he'd come in his sleep (it had been a bitch to clean up). It was all downhill from there. "Ge' your ho' ath on my co'."

Kiku didn't say anything, just did as he was told. He backed himself up, reaching back to feel up Alfred's cock, enjoying the pulsing veins and taut skin, how it throbbed at his touch. Alfred wasn't lying about wanting him. And that made him sink down on Alfred's cock to the hilt. "Oh, oh, A-America."

Alfred winced, his cock meeting resistance. "Ah, 'ik… shi', don' ya wanna use thome 'ube?"

"N-no," Kiku tried to hide his discomfort as he adjusted. "I-I'm used to this…"

Alfred ignored him and shocked him by reaching into a nightstand drawer and pulling out a tube of the stuff. "H-h-how—?"

"I nee'e' 'o jer' one in your houthe an'… snoope' a li'le." Kiku stared open-mouthed at him as Alfred grabbed his hip and pushed up. "Ge' up, Imma pu' thome on."

Kiku consented, pushing away his embarrassment at the fact that Alfred knew where his lube was. But something was gnawing at him. "W-where did you, uh… jerk off?"

Alfred leered up at him as he finished up. "In your be'."

Kiku received a spike of arousal that had him sitting down to the root on Alfred's dick, the American's hand just barely avoiding being swallowed up by his greedy hole. He leaned forward and locked their lips together, Alfred still lost in his ecstacy to properly reciprocate. That and he couldn't really move his tongue or lips, so it was pretty sloppy. Kiku just settled on sucking on his tongue.

"Mmm," Alfred groaned, reaching around to take the firm globes of Kiku's ass into his hands, squeezing and kneading. Kiku moaned into his mouth, rolling his hips down. Kiku pulled back and Alfred was huffing, his eyes hooded. "Tho goo'… how the hell are you tho goo' a' thith?"

Kiku passed a tongue over his swollen lips. "That is a secret."

Alfred responded by pumping up into him. Kiku hissed in pleasure, allowing Alfred to, well… slobber all over his neck, as it seemed. He was kind of starting to regret the pufferfish thing. "Then I'll juth have 'o fuck you un'il I fin' ou'."

Kiku sat up and moaned, head rolling back as he sunk all the way down on Alfred's cock again. Only now was he appreciating the girth of it. Alfred filled him so well, his insides holding tight to him as he began to ride him.

"Mm, you 'ook ho'." Alfred said, taking hold of his hips before trailing his hand around to work his way up Kiku's body. His porcelain skin was like silk, and if it wasn't for his mouth being numb, he'd bite him all over. The skin begged to be marked.

Kiku smiled down at him as he worked, rolling his hips fluidly down on him like he'd done it all his life. "So I've been told. You're not so bad yourself."

Alfred quirked an eyebrow, arriving at Kiku's pert nipples. "Oh?" He dug his thumbnails into the nubs.

Kiku arched. "Yes!"

"Go' you're ho'." Alfred half moaned, hands returning to the man's hips and gripping firmly. "I'm gonna fu' you tho har'." And he rolled them over so that Kiku was sprawled and breathless beneath him, wasting no time in driving into the man's tight, hot hole. "Unf,"

"Alfred!" Kiku yelled, his legs coming up to wrap around Alfred's waist, heels nudging insistently as the man plowed into him. His arms drew Alfred in for another sloppy kiss. When they broke, Alfred trailed a thick line of saliva down Kiku's neck, and for some strange reason Kiku shivered. Another weird fetish, no doubt.

He'd explore it later. As soon as he got more pufferfish.

The headboard was starting to bash into the wall with every aggressive thrust, but Kiku couldn't care at the moment. Alfred was ramming into him so hard that it was difficult for Kiku to do anything more than hold on and voice his pleasure. His nails dug into Alfred's back, hoping the scars would remind him to come back for more. He knew things between them would be odd after this, but perhaps it could one day grow to be just a kinky as Kiku imagined it could be.

Alfred hadn't gotten laid in… a while. Even then it had been quick and curt—Matthew was still not used to screwing in public, and in his defense that bathroom did smell a bit ripe. But that was only expected since it was a McDonald's. And it hadn't helped when Alfred had asked if Matthew wanted his McFlurry up his ass.

Long story short, Alfred was very horny. He'd been jerking off so much he'd grown some pretty strong wrist muscles. Or whatever they were called. He wasn't a marine biologist! Anyway, he wanted to get as much out of Kiku as he could, but the feeling of a nice, tight ass around his cock after so long threatened to get him off sooner than he'd hoped. As much as wanting to come, though, he wanted to see Kiku come, particularly his face. The man's expression almost never changed, and after seeing the menagerie of faces Kiku had revealed so far that night Alfred was most definitely eager to see more.

With that in mind, he took Kiku's cock into his hand (the one with the strong jacking muscles) and hoped that Kiku didn't notice Alfred was starting to drool uncontrollably, the saliva dripping onto the man's skin. Alfred's lips were impossibly numb, so it wasn't like he could stop it (and he had perpetual duck lips). Luckily for him, Kiku was too distracted by his arousal to notice, arching upward and moaning, clawing at his back and screwing his eyes shut.

Alfred never really knew how much someone could salivate during sex, but it must have been pretty damn much. Before long, there was a puddle being jostled about on Kiku's skin. Alfred figured he might want to get this over with before he gave Kiku a slobber bath, but then again his milky skin did look very tempting while glistening.

"Oh!" Kiku could scarcely believe Alfred was fucking him harder. At the back of his mind, he was afraid that Alfred might unintentionally break him in half. Dominating the forefront was the fact that oh God, it feels so good. "Alfred! Oh! Oh!" Kiku moaned, drool slipping down the side of his mouth, hooded eyes flickering open to stare up at him.

Alfred was so distracted by Kiku's erotic display that he forgot himself and before he could stop it, he was coming. Kiku's expression resembled too closely the one in Alfred's dreams. Alfred lifted Kiku's hips and went balls deep into him before stopping to spill himself inside. Kiku groaned and his hips twitched with every throb of cum.

When Alfred was finished, he looked down at Kiku regretfully, opening his mouth to express his guilt (and hide his embarrassment) by coming first, but all that came out was a long, wet slur. Kiku laughed up at him. "You sound like England-san after a few drinks."

Alfred's blush was endearing—endearing enough for Kiku to ignore the little bits of spittle dripping down onto him. He shifted his body, hoping to encourage Alfred to let him ride him again. "If it isn't too much, I could ri—"

Alfred shook his head and forced Kiku back down. There was no way that Kiku could resist him, and that which should have been frightening turned him on. He shivered and whined at the loss of Alfred's filling cock, but as Alfred moved down his body he began to get excited. Was he going to…? But he couldn't feel his mouth…

Kiku frowned in confusion as Alfred sat up, leaned over the bed, and extended a hand beneath it, feeling around. It had to be there somewhere; Kiku was so organized, how could it not be…?

A few seconds later Alfred gave a triumphant laugh and in his hand was a—

Kiku stared at it in shock and shame. "U-um…"

Alfred would have liked to say something snarky, but that stupid pufferfish had pretty much made that impossible. So he just held up the jelly dildo, eight inches in length, ribbed, the head bulbous and worn with use. He turned it over so that Kiku could see the bottom. Kiku knew very well what he was going to see there, written in big, dark capital letters, but that didn't make him feel any less nervous.

It read, AMERICA.

Alfred's smirk was prominent. Kiku's heart was pounding. How in the hell was he going to explain this? "I-I… it's…"

Alfred shook his head.

Confused, Kiku said, "What is it?"

Alfred set down the toy, ticking off his fingers on one, then the other. It took a minute for Kiku to realize what he was trying to say.

"N-no! Y-you're the only one. I could never—"

Alfred gave him an oh really look.

Kiku finally decided to give up and ducked his head. "Fine. I have all of the allies and axis… so far." Before Alfred could give him that smirk again, Kiku gathered the courage to look at him and ask, "H-how did you know?"

Alfred made a jerking motion with his hand, fingers curled around a phantom cock, and Kiku had to look away again. But just as soon he was meeting Alfred's blue eyes as his chin was turned back around. The dildo brushed against his lips, and Kiku perceived what Alfred himself was wanting to say: Show me how you do it when you're alone.

And so Kiku did, wrapping his lips around the thick head before going down halfway on the dick almost instantly. "Mmf," Alfred groaned as he watched, seeing for the first time up close Kiku's cock-sucking skills. He reached down and began fisting Kiku's cock until it was dripping, and Kiku was moaning around the toy in his mouth. As much as Alfred loved to watch Kiku at work, he felt it was time for the man to get the proper get off he'd been wanting all night. He pulled the toy from Kiku's mouth, saliva trailing, and Alfred wanted so much to kiss him.

When the phallus was pulled from him, Kiku was opening his legs, snaking two fingers down to spread his hole but ended up thrusting them inside out of need. Alfred quickly put an end to that, though, snatching Kiku's hand away and pressing the dildo against the twitching entrance.

"Yes," Kiku encouraged, rolling his hips against it. Alfred responded by pushing it in. "Yes! Yes!" Kiku arched and fisted the sheets, Alfred's hand wrapping around his cock and pumping in time with his rough thrusts. Alfred fucked like the toy was his own cock, and it suddenly felt like more than a toy to Kiku.

It wasn't much longer before Kiku came quite explosively. A full minute and a few loud cries later and much of Kiku's belly and Alfred's hand were covered with semen. Kiku's eyes flickered shut after that, and for a moment Alfred thought he'd somehow hurt Kiku enough for him to pass out (because he was old and stuff), which would not be a good story to relay to the emergency room doctors. If he could find an emergency room, that was.

Kiku was only resting his eyes and his body. He wasn't used to such vigorous activity, especially on this day of the week and at four in the morning. So what if he planned his encounters? If he didn't, he'd be as disorganized as well… Alfred. Or a number of normal people, as it seemed. He was brought out of his thoughts as Alfred lay down next to him, the warmth of his body providing comfort to Kiku's slick skin. When he opened his eyes, Alfred was staring at him. He knew the man wanted to say something, as he was pretty perceptive. "You want to do this again soon?" Alfred shook his head. Kiku frowned. "Well, that is just rud—wait!" Alfred had flipped Kiku over onto his stomach, and the older man could feel his hard cock against his ass. "No," Kiku said sternly, batting him away and turning back over. "Alfred, you and I are both tired." Alfred shook his head at this. Kiku gave him a skeptical glare. "Yes, you are tired." Kiku's eyes trailed down to Alfred's erect cock. He remembered when he could be up and ready just a few minutes after coming, but if he tried to go through the years he would realize just how old he really was. He was somewhat sympathetic. That and he wanted to play with Alfred as much as possible before he had to go home and they might not see each other for who knew how long. "Hmm… but I could help relieve you. You said you've never tried sounding?"

Alfred's eyes went wide as Kiku slipped a rod out from between his mattress and bed frame. Alfred stared at it with unease, but a twitch of his cock did not go unnoticed. "You want this." Kiku said. He was looking forward to seeing Alfred's cock stuffed. "Come here and let me—"

But Alfred shook his head adamantly and darted under the covers. Kiku huffed. "I thought you said you wanted to try it? It isn't all that bad once you get used to it. It is very pleasurable, I assure you." Alfred just kept staring at him. "No?" Kiku prompted, but Alfred didn't respond. "Tomorrow, then?" Alfred's nod was hesitant and Kiku was amused to see the tent beneath the covers grow. He tossed the sounding rod on the nightstand and wriggled under the covers. "All right, but you had better let me. You got to play with me, so I get to play with you." Alfred glared down at him and pointed to his mouth, which was still quite numb. Kiku huffed and said, "Eating the pufferfish was your own fault. You shouldn't go into other people's fridges." Only when Kiku extended an arm over Alfred's chest did he truly feel how tired he was. He was drifting in and out when Alfred suddenly jerked so violently he fell out of bed. Kiku had to hold onto the blankets to make sure he didn't go over with him.

"What are you doing?" Kiku asked in bewilderment as he blinked down at Alfred who sat sprawled on the floor. Alfred, still unable to speak, got back onto the bed and situated himself so that his head was at the foot of it. Kiku was perplexed, and then he just assumed this was one of Alfred's numerous precautions for avoiding bad luck. "Alfred, you know my country is twenty-five hours ahead of where you live." Alfred lifted his head to stare at him, and Kiku had to elaborate, "Friday the thirteenth was over a day ago."

Alfred still slept with his head at the foot of the bed, leaving Kiku in the pleasurable company of his feet propped up on one of his best pillows. No really, it was pleasurable. Kiku had a bit of a foot fetish. Just a bit.

End.

Types of Bad Luck Mentioned:

Dreaming of birth

Sleeping with one's feet toward the door

Putting one's pants on left leg first

Walking under a ladder

Wearing an opal if it is not one's birthstone

Breaking a mirror

Crows flying by one's windows

Sleeping on or beneath a table

Having a black cat cross one's path

Stepping on a crack

Picking up a coin tails-first

Putting shoes on a table

Twitching of the left eye

Opening an umbrella indoors

If you have done any of these things on Friday the 13th and are lucky, then congratulations, your bad luck will come back two times stronger next time.

A Word From the Writer: Yeah, the crack just kinda snuck in there. But cracky sex is fun sex, yes? Lol, I didn't even announce I'd be posting this so, SURPRISE! You guys got lucky on the unluckiest day of the year. I didn't know I'd be writing this until Monday when I was like "Holy shit, it's gonna be Friday the 13th! I need to do something!" And I did. Although I was unlucky. I forgot lots of shit today, but at least I've done this. As for the tentacle porn... it just had to be tentacle porn. I have watched some, and it's not... all that bad. Just turn off the subs because those chicks say some pretty dumb shit. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and remember 'o never eat pufferfith 'efore thucking thomeone off. (Btw, 'ik, is Kik, in case anyone is confused).

Be sure to check out my current fic Standing at the Edge of the World.

Ta!