Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor New Moon, nor the characters, nor nothing. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer, who is a great author if I may add. So there : p
Setting: This is set in the middle of New Moon. After Jacob promised to take Bella cliff-diving, but like you all know, Victoria is extremely close. They had just picked up her trace, and the pack is going after her.
I sat in my room, as the rain lightly hit my window. I stared out of it, as the rain dropped harder and harder. There was something familiar about it that made me unable to look away. I realized I was able to see my face in the window, but that's not what had captivated my attention. It was the rain itself.
I decided to go outside, though I didn't know why. As I sat in the porch, the rain became more fierce. It wasn't dark—must have been around 4—it was just pouring down. The rain was a reflection of all the grief I'd come across. Each drop was just another pain I've had to go through. Each drop was just another hurt that I've had to endure. The rain in its entirety, with the cloudy forecast, was the exact mirror image of my past, present, future, and all the ache I've encountered in between, throughout the 18 years of my miserable existence.
When I finally snapped back to reality, I realized I was soaked. I headed back inside, to go into the shower. I let the water hit me, once more, as I tried my best to clear my head. I didn't want to think about anything, let alone this pain. I turned the water off, and changed into some faded, low-cut jeans. I rummaged through my closet and found a midnight-blue thermo-long sleeve. I grabbed a brush, as I ran it through my hair.
Why didn't Jake come today?? I wondered, as I tried to manage my hair, which failed to cooperate. Maybe he's getting sick of me… I knew this would happen, I just knew it. Maybe he got fed up with me and decided to leave me, too. He probably gave up on me.
I felt the hole in my chest start burning, as it ripped me into even more pieces. Charlie wasn't home, so I allowed myself to let out a scream. Just then, the phone rang. I ran downstairs to get it—knowing it was a bad idea—but I had to escape my room. I made it down the stairs without falling—thank goodness—and thought I was safe. I realized I had spoken too soon, as I tripped on the rug, falling right on my face. I hated being so clumsy. The phone stopped ringing.
I sat up, letting out a sigh. I pulled my knees to my chest, and wrapped my arms around them. I knew Jake wouldn't leave me, I just knew it. But if he did, would I be able to endure abandonment once more? I refused to even consider it. But then, what would happen? Even if he stayed with me, I don't think things would change much from where they were now. If they did, they would only change for the worse. I shuddered at the thought. What if he didn't leave me, yet his company no longer brought me comfort? What if I drowned back into depression? Even now, while in his company, I still didn't feel whole. I still felt cold, just a little less than when alone. But the hole in my chest burned and ached. Of course I couldn't let him see that, so I tried to hide it as best as I could. But it still hurt, I knew, deep down, that without HIM, I would never be whole again. I would never be complete. I would never be as happy as I knew I could. I didn't want to get up. I sat there, on the floor, as the waves of despair hit me.
Finally, against my will, I got on my feet, and walked into the kitchen to find something to eat. The phone rang once again, and this time, I managed to get it.
"Hello?" I asked, but there was no answer. "Hello? Bella speaking." I stated. Still no reply. Then the person hung up.
"Huh," I wondered. It wasn't the first time this had happened.
I was about to get lost in thought again, when the phone startled me, as it rang once more.
"Who is this?" I practically yelled.
"It's me Bella, what's wrong?" Jake asked.
"Oh nothing, sorry," I lied, trying to sound as genuine as possible. "What's up?"
"I'm not going to be able to take you out today," he said. "I'm sorry but I want to make sure you're safe as soon as possible," he continued. "And it's not safe right now, Bella."
I understood what he was saying, but I didn't want to. He promised to take me cliff diving more than a week ago, and still hadn't. I knew that Victoria was close, and I knew that they were right behind her. Every time they were about to get her, she managed to escape. Still, I didn't care.
"But Jake, you promised!" I protested.
"I know, Bells, it's just I don't know what would happen if…" he trailed off. "I'm sorry Bella, but I can't take a chance. I'll take you as soon as we get her. I just want to know you're safe."
"Fine." I replied, coldly.
"Bella—" he started.
"It's fine, Jake. Do what you have to do. I don't care anymore," I stated. With that, I hung up the phone.
The phone rang again. I knew it was him, so I didn't bother to answer. I knew I had hurt him, but I was too angry, and I had been thinking about HIM too long to even care. I knew he was going to be worried, but like I said, I didn't care.
Jake said he just wanted me to be safe, and I knew he meant it. He—my best friend, a werewolf—always wanted the best for me. He would risk his life for me, just so that I would be in no danger.
But what did it matter if I was safe, anyway? There was no point in living this stupid, cold, miserable, empty life. I realized today—while sitting outside—what my heart had been trying to fight all these months. HE wasn't coming back. HE left with the intentions of never coming back. "It will be as if I'd never existed," HE had promised me. HE didn't love me. HE never did. HE never could. After all, I was human. Just a plain, pathetic human girl, who would never be good enough for him.
I was sick and tired of everything. I didn't want to go on anymore. Not with this realization made. I couldn't be here. Alone time never did do me any good before HIM… and now—after HIM—it seemed as if though it was going to kill me. I grabbed my keys off the coffee table and headed out the door.
"I'm sorry," I whispered into the wind.