I was bored, so I came up with this. Five days until Christmas, five chapters. One a day. It is a crack crossover, with Stargate, Mass Effect, and at least one other. It has a Christmas theme, sort of, and takes place around Christmas time. I felt that it was time for me to do a Christmas fic, too, but of course I'm doing my own brand of Christmas fic. It will be rather rushed and unpolished, but that's the tradeoff for real-time updates.

USS Daedalus
December 20, 2010

"I know what you're thinking," General Jack O'Neill said to the assembled teams. Both SG-1 and AR-1 sat in the briefing room alongside himself and the commander of the Daedalus, Colonel Steven Caldwell. "It's five days until Christmas, and with two unstable galaxies, you've got more important things to do."

"Wasn't thinking that at all," LCol John Sheppard quipped.

Beside him, Vala Mal Doran whispered to Daniel, "What's Christmas?"

He hurriedly hissed, "It's a big celebration, religious roots but the meaning is a bit different now. I'll explain it later."

Vala leaned up against him. "I think it would be better for you to explain it now."

"Kids!" Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell shouted, silencing them. Directly to his left, Colonel Samantha Carter rolled her eyes. "Please, general, continue."

"So, guess where we're going?" the General asked.

"Kill Wraith," Ronon guessed.

"Yes, Ronon, we're going away from Pegasus to kill Wraith," Doctor Rodney McKay said sarcastically.

"Rodney-" Doctor Keller and Teyla Emmagan said at the same time.

"To study a subspace anomaly with physics-breaking potential," Sam said. Seeing everyone's shocked expression, she added, "What? I have my sources."

"Indeed," Teal'c acknowledged, tilting his head.

"Sam's right," Jack confirmed. "On a scouting run, a Free Jaffa ship detected something nobody has ever seen before. It didn't mean much to them, but they told us. And get this- it's in close proximity to P4C-970."

"The Aschen," Cam whispered.

"Yes, and that's why-" Jack stopped speaking when the ship violently shuddered and the lights flickered. Alarms began going off, and the group ran for the bridge, Caldwell in the lead.

Sitting down in his customary position in the middle of the bridge, Caldwell calmly ordered, "Report."

"We dropped out of hyperspace," Major Marks reported. "No damage, it just power-spiked and stopped working."

"I knew it!" Rodney said smugly. He jabbed a finger at the bridge window, where a massive accretion disc was visible. "The distortion is growing. Of course, without a rate of growth we can't calculate a safe distance."

"Is that a distortion?" Vala asked.

"No, that's the accretion disc, a field of debris attracted by gravitational pull, usually of a black hole," Sam explained.

"Oh, so it's a big black hole?"

Rodney replied to that question before Sam could. "In every conceivable way, no."

"Then what is it?"

"A trap," Marks replied. "Detecting three unidentified contacts, about eight hundred metres long and pretty wide. They're headed straight for us, extremely fast speed."

"Arm all weapons," Caldwell ordered coolly. "Come about and get us away from the distortion, best possible speed. When can we use the hyperdrive again?"

Marks shrugged. "Impossible to tell, sir."

"Then we'll have to either talk or fight our way out of it. Hail them."

"Audio message only." Marks played it back.

"These vessels are agents of the Aschen Confederation. Your interests conflict with ours, and your vessel will be destroyed to prevent further interference."

"Guess that leaves us with one option," O'Neill said. "You're clear to engage at will, Colonel."

The Daedalus swung around, bringing the three long, silvery ships into view. Within seconds, they opened fire with energy weapons firing yellow-green bolts. Shuddering, the Daedalus returned fire, railguns and missiles peppering against the tough barriers.

A larger blue beam raced from each of the ships, and the three hit the Daedalus in the same spot. "Shields down to thirty percent!"

"Try to get us out of their firing arc!" Caldwell ordered over the din of exploding consoles and firing extinguishers. "Charge the Asgard beams and bring us within range!"

"Yes sir!" Marks acknowledged as a console blew out behind him, injuring the unfortunate engineer manning it. Sam took his post.

Engines at full power, the small Earth ship accelerated towards the larger ones. Bright blue beams lanced from projectors at the extreme bow, ripping through the shields of one of the Aschen warships. The engines flickered and died shortly before it broke in three and the reactor detonated, blowing it to pieces. Before the Daedalus could get off another shot, however, the other two Aschen vessels opened fire with their powerful main cannons. Again they impacted in the same spot, forward of the bridge.

"Shields down to fifteen percent!" Marks shouted. "Asgard weapons nonfunctional. I don't think we can take another hit, sir!"

"Evasive manoeuvres, focus fire on their weapons!" Caldwell ordered in response. "I need that hyperdrive!"

"Well we can activate it now if you want to get blown to pieces!" Rodney said snarkily.

"Are you certain?" John asked.

"Well, no, there's always some uncertainty-"

"At this range, there's a fifty percent chance we'll be obliterated if we attempt to open a hyperspace window," Sam replied more helpfully. She was nearly thrown out of her chair as one of the beams grazed the shields on the Daedalus. "By the way, we just lost shields."

"And the other fifty percent?" Caldwell asked. The ship shook as the less powerful bolts impacted directly on the hull.

"We could transition safely or end up a million light-years away, or worse!"

"That's a chance we're going to have to take," Jack said. "Colonels, do it!"

"Yes, sir!"

As another pair of deadly blue beams raced toward the Daedalus, it suddenly disappeared.

Normandy SR-2
December 20, 2185

It wasn't long ago when Commander Jane Shepard had risen from the dead to defeat the Collectors. At the time, she had been forced to work with Cerberus, a radical pro-human group. Since then, she had cut all ties, destroying the very treasure that they so desperately wanted- the Collector station. It hadn't always been like that. Before she had been killed and brought back, Cerberus was the enemy. She worked for the Alliance, though somewhat outside their chain of command as a Spectre, to bring down Saren Arterius. Saren had allied himself with (a rogue faction of, it turned out) the Geth, an army of synthetics, to raid the Citadel and bring the Reapers to the galaxy. Even one of the massive robotic starships could massacre an entire fleet, and it did. At the time, Jane was a hero.

That didn't last. Now, she was heading back to Earth to face a trial for crimes she didn't commit. Even as the Reapers drew closer, politicians refused to acknowledge them and former heroes were left disgraced. She could cut and run, of course, and they would never find her. But in the long run, the consequences would be even worse.

Jane shook her head to clear the thoughts as she entered the briefing room. Everyone stood up as she entered, though it was more for the lack of chairs than anything. She briefly looked over everyone in the room.

Lieutenant Ashley Williams, who was a loyal, if opinionated, Gunnery Chief back on the first Normandy. Garrus Vakarian, a turian C-Sec officer turned vigilante. Tali'Zorah vas Neema, the best chief engineer anyone could ask for, even among the quarians. All were original members of the SR-1 crew, and both Tali and Garrus had been on the SR-2 as well. Sadly, the other half of the original six couldn't make it. Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko was KIA, a nightmare Jane still occasionally revisited. Urdnot Wrex and Liara T'Soni were busy being some of the most powerful people in the galaxy.

Not all of her second crew were there, either. Zaeed had left as soon as his contract was up. He summed it up, "Nothing personal, Shepard, just business." Samara had left of her own accord, as the strict code she followed would force her to kill many of the people she had once fought alongside. Thane had left to spend the last of his days with his son. Grunt, pure krogan warrior, had left for Tuchanka to join Wrex's clan. Jack... they didn't know where she went. All she had said to them was "Later, losers," then she was gone.

That still left quite a few. Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor were originally Cerberus, but had stayed with her, even shedding their Cerberus colours when they did so. There was also the Geth platform, which EDI had named Legion. Though he (the crew unanimously referred to him as male) was initially viewed with suspicion, even Tali quickly came to like him. That left Mordin Solus, fast talking scientist salarian, and Kasumi Goto...

"Kasumi!" Jane shouted. "Where are you?"

A hooded figure fizzled into view in the corner of the room. "Sorry, Shep."

"Great, now that everyone's here, I'd like to offer you all one last chance to back out. You're not on trial, I am. But that doesn't mean you're out of danger. I'm sure the scientists would love to rip Legion apart down to every tiny gear in his body."

"There are no gears within this unit," Legion corrected. "In any case, we believe the risk of disassembly minimal when weighed against the importance of this task."

There were a few chuckles at the unintentional humour. "Miranda, Jacob, your Cerberus background makes you targets. Both from the Illusive Man and the Alliance."

"Noted, Commander," Miranda replied, Australian accent strong as ever.

Jacob crossed his arms. "Frankly, I don't really give a damn anymore."

Jane nodded in response. "Kasumi, you're a thief."

"Aw, that's not very nice," she replied with mock sadness.

"You could end up going to jail," Jane cautioned.

"Me? Never."

"Mordin-"

"Risk of interrogation extant, but slight. No problems supporting Commander."

"Uh, good to hear it. Garrus, there are still a lot of people on Earth that hate turians. Even if they don't do anything to you, it could affect your Spectre candidacy."

"I know, Shepard. If something happens, well, I guess it would be too late to worry about it." It was a sad attempt at humour, and totally fell flat.

Jane continued, pacing around the room in front of each person. "Tali, your people are hated universally. I hate to admit it, but there are people on Earth that would kill you given the opportunity. And self-defence is subjective."

Tali's iridescent eyes fluttered behind her mask. "I'll stay safe and out of trouble, don't worry."

Completing her circular rounds, Jane came face to face with Ash. "Lieutenant, you're officially my escort. Your career is on the line, here. If you say or do anything that's not in line, there are people that will make sure you never make it to Captain."

She cocked her head. "Nobody thought I'd make Chief. Why are you telling us this, anyway?"

The Commander turned to face everyone in the room. "The point I'm trying to make is that everyone has something to lose, and nothing to gain. If you back out now, nobody is going to think the lesser of you for it."

A few glances were exchanged, and finally, Garrus said, "I think we've all got your back, Commander."

"Good," Jane said, keying the comm panel. "Joker, take us into the relay. We're going home."

USS Daedalus
Unknown Time, Unknown Location

"What the hell just happened?" Caldwell asked, struggling to his feet. "And someone get that fire out!"

"Well, I think that's pretty obvious," Rodney said. "We took a chance and it backfired on us. Oh, and I sure hope this smoke isn't carcinogenic."

"Rodney!" Sam shouted. "It was the best option at the time, a fifty-fifty chance."

"Well, I think it worked out okay, personally," Cam said, pointing at the window. Visible through it was a blue marble of a planet, quite clearly Earth.

"The chances of that are... astronomical," Sam breathed.

"And yet it happened anyway," Jack shrugged. "Let's head on home."

"Wait!" Rodney shouted. "Something's wrong."

"What is it?" John asked, irritated.

"I'm not picking up any sign of the Antarctic installation or the Stargate."

There was a short silence, which Caldwell, ever the pragmatist, broke. "Could it be a sensor glitch?"

"No. Sensors are working perfectly."

"Not this again," John mumbled. "You're certain?"

"Yes. I think we've entered an alternate reality."

"How different is it?" Daniel immediately asked. "I mean, if we go on the theory that this Earth never discovered the Stargate, there are going to be differences."

"Can you tap into their radio broadcasts, doctor?" Caldwell asked.

"Give me a moment." He spent a minute or so hammering on the console. "Well, I have good news, bad news, and somewhere in between news. What do you want to hear first?"

"Good."

"Bad."

"Mediocre."

"Okay, I'll start with the good news, since everyone is always so optimistic. The good news is that this Earth is mostly the same as our Earth. Canada is Canada, the United States is the United States, we have an internet and the population is basically the same. There are a few differences- has anyone ever heard of Barack Obama?

"The bad news is that although I can't be sure until we get into the Pentagon's databases, I don't think there was ever a Stargate here. Or anything Stargate-related, actually. It's like an alternate universe with no Stargate at all."

"What about the mediocre news?" Vala asked.

"We seemed to have jumped a year forward. Kim Jong-Il's death was announced as December 17, 2011. Google released the Galaxy Nexus- whatever the hell that is- December 15, 2011. There was a rebellion in Libya earlier this year. As far as I can tell, though, it was exactly a year- today is December 20, 2011. Well, on our side of the date line, anyway."

There was another awkward silence, this time broken by John Sheppard. "So, we're in an alternate universe?"

"As far as I can tell, yes."

"Can we go back?" Caldwell asked.

"What, do I look like some kind of miracle worker to you? What?"

Sam leaned over and whispered, "You know, you blow up one sun-"

"Yes, okay, I can fix this if you GIVE ME SOME TIME!"

"Glad to hear it," Jack said. "Colonel, do you think we can cloak and remain undetected until the eggheads figure it out?"

"I'm afraid I'm the bringer of bad news this time, sir," Marks explained from his station ahead of the commander. "In her current state, the Daedalus won't be able to maintain orbit much longer, let alone escape detection. Engines are at minimal power, life support is damaged and we are venting atmosphere."

"Can you get her down safely?" Jack asked, in a more sober tone.

"Yes, sir, I can, but we're going to raise one hell of a ruckus," Marks replied.

"It's your ship, Colonel," Jack said to the commander of the Daedalus.

"Pick a nice empty spot to land," Caldwell ordered.

"I'm afraid I don't have that much control over our descent, sir."

"Then take her down as gently as you can."

"Yes, sir."

Normandy SR-2
Unknown Time, Unknown Location

Commander Shepard was thrown off her feet and onto the deck moments after giving the order to enter the relay. Spitting out a mouthful of blood, she scrambled upright. The main lighting had switched to a red colour, and acrid smoke drifted across the room. "Everyone okay?"

There was a murmur of confirmation as the crew struggled back up, checking on each other as they did so. "EDI, what the hell is going on?"

The blue holographic avatar of the ship's AI appeared on a pedestal on the edge of the table. "The mass relay has malfunctioned, resulting in a rough and inaccurate jump. I am currently in the process of gathering data. The Normandy has been damaged, but there are no immediately life-threatening failures."

"Uh, Commander, I think you should see this," Joker's shaky voice said over the comm.

"On my way." Ignoring the bruises, Jane strode through the armoury, where several weapons were knocked asunder, into the much more badly damaged CIC. Cabling hung loose from the ceiling, and several fried consoles poured out smoke. She headed forward, into the cockpit.

Upon seeing her, Joker opened the cockpit shutters. "Does that look like an ice dwarf or what, Commander?"

Jane peered through the window. It was a tiny dot against the background of starry space. "I'll take your word for it. But I don't see how it matters."

"Well, what about this? Hold on, this might take a while, the thrusters are a bit screwy." Joker turned the ship around, spinning it until several planets were visible. Jane immediately focused on the closest one. Could it be-

"Is that Earth?" Ashley Williams asked, appearing behind her.

EDI's bubble-like avatar popped up in the cockpit terminal. "Visual scans show that there is a ninety-nine percent chance the planet in question is indeed Earth. However, all communications attempts have failed."

"Yeah, and I think it's pretty obvious what's behind us now, right, Commander?" Joker said. "I think we travelled back in time."

"Temporal displacement possible," Mordin theorized, causing everyone to jump. "Never proven, but possible."

"I am detecting no traces of Element Zero, on Earth, Mars, or Charon," EDI added.

"Temporal displacement unlikely." Mordin sucked in a mouthful of air. "Could be universal displacement."

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Jane asked.

"The professor things we ended up in an alternate universe," Joker rephrased.

"Are you kidding me?" Ash asked.

"Professor Solus' theory may be correct," EDI stated. "However, it appears that we have also moved backwards in time, assuming that it flows the same way in this universe. Judging by radio broadcasts that have escaped Earth, I estimate the date at around the twentieth of December-"

"Oh, that's not so bad-"

"2011."

"Oh, that's bad," Joker said, backtracking on his opinion. "Real bad."

"Take us in, fast and silent," Jane ordered.

USS Daedalus
December 20, 2011

"Where are we going to land, Major?" Caldwell asked. Along with the heat that was no doubt turning them into a very bright shooting star, the stress of reentry was also causing the ship to violently shake. And it was nothing compared to what it would be without the advanced engines and inertial dampeners mounted on the vessel.

"Somewhere between Washington and Annapolis, sir!"

"Well, it could be worse," Jack shouted from behind them. "We could end up in some shithole third-world dictatorship."

In front of Sam, her console bleeped. "Huh."

"What is it?"

"I'm picking up a transmission, from high Earth orbit. It's voice only, but quite understandable."

"Put it on!" Caldwell ordered.

"-Commander Jane Shepard of the Normandy. If anyone can hear this transmission, please respond. This is-"

"Match their frequency and hail them," Jack ordered. "Put me on."

He slipped an earpiece on. "This is General Jack O'Neill of the Earth ship Daedalus. We read you loud and clear, over."

"General? Am I speaking with an Alliance officer, sir?"

"Depends which Alliance you're talking about."

"The Systems Alliance of Earth, sir."

Jack cast a worried glance at Sam, who shrugged. "Uh, yeah, no. I'm United States Air Force."

"USAF?" Jane asked incredulously. "I've studied military history, and I'm pretty sure they didn't have any starships in 2011. If you really are-"

There was a muffled explosion, and Sam reported, "Just picked up a burst of energy released from the Normandy. Exotic, too, but I have no idea what caused it."

"Damn it!" Jane shouted, her voice clipping the audio stream. "We took a beating on the way in, and we just lost the capacity to maintain orbit."

"Roger that, Normandy, we're giving you an approach vector. It might not be the best one in the world, but we don't have a choice and I have this nagging feeling that we'll be better off if we stick together. I can explain later, but we're basically in the same boat as you are." Jack nodded toward Sam.

"Got it. I hope to hell you know what you're doing. Normandy out."

Near Washington, DC
December 20, 2011

It started as a slight rumbling, but quickly grew into a howling roar. Along with the massive noise was a trail of fire in the night sky, which also started small but grew into something much bigger. Then, as soon as it had started, it was over. With one last colossal bang, the trail of fire and the rumbling disappeared.

Jacob Preston, ex-Marine, ran out of his house with his old Colt .45 in hand. Not too far from his house, occupying his entire yard and crushing the forest next to it was a massive grey... something. His mind was still going through the possibilities when the second one came down.

It seemed to be sleeker than the first, but was just as loud and obnoxious when it came down. The second object was a tad smaller, though it was also further away and that screwed with his perception.

Were they meteors? Had aliens arrived on Earth? Were the Russians invading? Those were some of the possibilities that went through Preston's head as he dialled 911 on his cell phone. He gave his name and address, then proceeded to describe what just happened.

"A big grey... something, like I dunno, could be aliens or some kinda space thing, came outta the sky. Then another one came, and it slammed down right beside it."

"How big, sir?" the dispatcher asked incredulously.

"Like, really fucking big, way bigger than my fucking house big."

Jane Shepard led her team out of the cargo bay of the Normandy. For now, it consisted only of herself, Ash, and Garrus- those who weren't busy and she could trust. The explosion had damaged their engines and knocked them out of orbit. A few of the crew were injured, though luckily nobody was killed. Of course, they still had to fix the ship. Now that they were down, she figured that they could talk in person with the people on the Daedalus- and maybe figure out what the hell was going on.

They were only a few paces out of the cargo bay when they noticed the house and the man in front of it, talking on some kind of portable communicator. Ashley was the first to point it out. "Uh, Commander, I think we have a problem here."

"That's not good," Shepard agreed. She waved to the man. "Hey! Don't worry, we're human!"

"Well, mostly," Garrus whispered. Jane nodded, wishing that they hadn't brought all their weapons and worn full armour. It was very intimidating.

The effect was the opposite than that intended. As soon as he saw the trio, the man dropped the device and started shooting at them, rather ineffectually. With lightning speed, Garrus brought out his own sniper rifle and put a bullet into him. Though he was hoping for a non-lethal shot, the bullet went straight through the man's heart.

"Damn it!" Jane shouted, racing toward the fallen man. She checked his pulse with two fingers. None, though there was a lot of blood on her glove now. "Well, that's just great, we've been in the past for less than an hour and we've already killed somebody."

"Sorry, Commander," Garrus apologized. "He was shooting, and I shot back."

"Not your fault, Garrus," Jane replied, sinking her helmeted head into her hand. "Damn it."

She examined the body. Holding a gun, probably sounding mentally deranged on the call- "We'll make it look like a suicide. I don't like it, but it's the best we can do right now. I don't want to be found, and I sure as hell don't want to be blamed for his death."

As his superior carried the limp body into the house, Garrus remarked, "So much for being discreet."

"Yeah," Jane agreed, arranging the gun in the man's bloody hands. "There's gonna be hell to pay for this."

Tell me what you think.