Hiraeth
Anime: Owari no Seraph (Seraph of the End)
Pairings: N/A (None, I think)
Warnings: Angst, Character Death, Gen, possible OOC-ness (Narumi's nature is hard to grasp)
Spoilers: Heavy spoilers for and up to Chapter 39 (Anime Episodes have not reached). Semi-spoilers for Vol. 6 of the light novel (I've only read a summary) and some snippets from an info book
Story is set after Chapter 39. ~Written before chapter 40 is released.~
A/N: Mainly wrote this to try to get out some of the feels towards Narumi's squad.
Summary: Narumi reflects on what returning home means. (Manga spoilers. Narumi-centric)
Nagoya was his home.
Him and Shusaku had lived there a long time ago. Narumi was happy to get the chance to go back. Fight on home turf with his friends, old and new. It meant a lot to him and he had (why did he?) asked his friends to come along with him. Confident in Lt. Colonel's plan, wanted to visit home... maybe he wanted to take it back himself but war was cruel, he knew that so well. What was worse than war though was the Japanese Imperial Demon Army that looked down on him. He was tried of being treated as trash. Was tired of not being recognized due to the fact he was part of the better Moon Demon Company.
Guren said they had to wait.
He remembers that time clearly as he and Shusaku (he wants to stop saying his name) wondered over. How much that soon kept him going. Narumi was rebellious to be sure but he had a great deal of respect for those in authority, he always wanted to be like them. To have the same respect. To have the power to change things. Narumi wishes that was possible. Wishes he still thought it was possible. Support in this was all Narumi wanted. Now where was he going to find it? He could look but no one would be there.
His squad was missing, gone. If he kept going, he'd have to train new people, or at least get reassigned. Which meant Lt. Colonel would be the one giving him a new squad that would help him grow and recover. Narumi knew how the Moon Demon Company functioned. He still believed in their ideals. So he had to get stronger and he'd have to develop new ways to fight and new forms of teamwork. It was hard to imagine though, he's spent so many years with this group. Killing vampires, winning, becoming stronger, celebrating. Being dragged out of his determined nature to have fun.
There also wasn't a person around that could understand. Which was cruel to say but after losing so many friends. After prioritizing his squad for so long and being glad and confident in always stating that Narumi squad would return alive. There wasn't a mission where that hadn't been the case. There wasn't one where Narumi wasn't with the other four. No mission where he lost someone and had to get a replacement. He supposed it wouldn't be as bad as he thought, since he liked most people in the Moon Demony Company but... he'd have to get used to four new people.
He wasn't supposed to lose everything.
None of us will die, at least not anyone in Makoto Narumi Squad
No dying today. Understand? We'll all meet up at the rendezvous point alive.
Ha! Like we're going to get killed by something like this.
His words still echoed in his head. Why was he the one always saying those words? He felt like it was a curse. No, it was more a mantra he had used before this to reassure himself. Narumi meant those words. He never meant that to just be to Shinoa's squad, it was supposed to be his squad protecting hers. Making sure no one died. He was confident in his squad, so why was he the only survivor of it? Why did this mission (Why did home mean loss) have to be their curse. Why couldn't he have died too.
Idiot! Don't give up yet!
Narumi didn't need to be told that. He knew better... at least when he was thinking clearly but that wasn't what he was doing now. He was reflecting, trying to figure out what this all meant. Was seeing Nagoya again really worth it? Did all of this have meaning? It was fine if all their deaths had meaning. Narumi could move on. He could say proudly that what they did was worth it. That this caused them to win. This caused the Moon Demon Company to be respected. At the moment, Narumi wasn't sure this got them anywhere close to that. He didn't understand Lt. Colonel's orders. Did he at least achieve his goals?
If so... then maybe it was worth it because the Lt. Colonel was always working in their best interest. He never meant for any of them to die, let alone Narumi's squad since he always respected the Lt. Colonel for his efforts. For his capability to rise in ranks. Respected him for keeping him reassured all those years ago. All the years he spent growing up training with Shusaku to be apart of the Moon Demony Company. All those days spent were worth it because of what it gave him in the future.
The future made Narumi recall how he meet Rika, Yayoi, and Kagiyama. The adventure during the apocalypse that causing him and Shusaku to save them. Narumi felt a brief smile at the memories. However what good did saving those three do if they died like this? To Vampires... to the Hiragis. They trusted him. They all believed in him to the very end. Yayoi staying on the front lines. Kagiyama braving the first attack like he ordered him to do. Rika stopping her upset rage when he told her to. Shusaku telling him to run.
Narumi wonders if he could've saved them. If he had been paying more attention to Yayoi then stopping the fight between Shinoa and the others. If he would've called them back closer since they had nothing to fight any more. That would've saved Kagiyama too. What if he hadn't went to argue with Kureto? He may have been far enough back to stop the chain that killed Rika. If he was just a little farther back, Shusaku would've been able to dodge because he was so close to doing so at where he was.
Narumi knows though. Even with those changes there were flaws. If he focused more on his squad when the one noble fled, Shinoa may have died to comrades. He never would've made it this far if he used that mentality anyways. So Narumi couldn't fully blame himself there. He also understood Rika's and Shusaku's death were on Kureto's hands not his own. If he didn't argue with, Narumi wasn't certain he'd be alive because he may have put his weapon down and he wouldn't have been tense enough to react.
He missed Yayoi calming him down. She was often timid when speaking to them outside of missions. Stuttering when she first spoke but settling into it. She was rational, trying to get them to listen with their belligerent nature. Yayoi was quick to settle fights internally, always offering to do something when someone felt lazy. He may have taken advantage of her on occasion but she was so firm and resolute in fights he often forgot she didn't react that way to the squad. Yayoi's meek nature shrink away to a more determined one in fights. She wasn't afraid when out there, she hated the vampires more than most.
Kagiyama was really serious but not afraid to ever speak. He was also quick to correct mistakes or fix things. Complacent if he wasn't worked up or defensive over their squad. He had his own morals that he followed regardless of the situation. It was hard to talk him out of things when he set his mind to it. He was always so protective and caring. Kagiyama had a strong sense of justice which lead him to be quite determined in pursuing the same goals that Narumi was after. Kagiyama had good symmetry with their squad in fights, always complimenting whoever he was partnered with.
Rika was her own force. Vocal about her own opinions on environments or situations. It was always easy to tell what she was thinking because she let them know. No one controlled her. Despite all her own pursuits, Rika always cared deeply for their squad. She controlled them, kept them together, made sure their conflicts never got them to fall apart. She wouldn't let anyone walk over Yayoi. She was quite agreeable with Kagiyama. She always was quick to draw Shusaku out of the background. She would stop Narumi whenever the power got to his head. Through all that, no one ever felt like Rika walked over their nature, she just helped level it. Rika always drew their friendship closer.
Shusaku was intelligent and supportive. He often didn't have much to say to anyone but he was always thinking, eyes often off to the side analysing. He was constantly focused on the goals and would pursue them in whatever way he saw fit. Shusaku always knew what to look at (Which is why he focused on me in the end rather than himself). His presence being a constant in their squad and Narumi prided himself in being able to get Shusaku to speak as much as he did. All their deaths were hard but Shusaku's... Narumi found himself having the most difficulty with.
What made Shusaku hard to deal with wasn't just because Narumi knew him for so long. It was his nature. The quiet support, the one who would argue with him when he got rowdy, never afraid to call him out. It was sometimes easy to forget he was gone (turning to see no one there, no Shusaku, Rika, Yayoi, Kagiyama...) but mostly it was hard not to be aware that his presence was gone. Because although the others were loud to make themselves known, Shusaku was just always there. In and out of fights, Shusaku was merely a presence, not words.
Narumi didn't know how to handle any of their deaths though. He had tried to deal with Yayoi's and Kagiyama's by finding meaning in it. If it was a suicide mission, it was fine. Narumi understood how necessary those were for their survival. However, even if it was. Kureto ruined all of Lt. Colonel's planning and he killed Rika and Shusaku. What they died to wasn't going to have meaning. At least not one Narumi would consider (As much as Kureto tried to justify it). So where did that leave him now?
Narumi wasn't certain. He'd live, that was for sure. The only thing he could think of was to keep trying. To make sure to get revenge on the vampires and the Hiragi family who did this to them. Narumi was going to make sure they paid. Narumi could feel his courage growing. Maybe returning to Nagoya wasn't so bad. Though the thought felt awful. Narumi could clearly remember why he was fighting but... the only reason he ever lost sight of it was because of coming back here.
So the place he was born was also the place that cost him everything. It felt like a horrible connection to make. However it was and there was nothing Narumi could do to change that. At least when he left Nagoya the first time, he still had Shusaku. He was also given a purpose in the Moon Demony Company. This time he didn't have anything. Narumi just frowned but that was his conclusion to all of this. Nagoya was the end of the life he had with his squad mates. He had to start all over again, another new beginning. Narumi felt like it was all his fault. All these were thoughts though, not where he was at externally. Narumi was just reflecting and it was supposed to stay in his head. However, Guren knew. The look he gave, the burden Narumi could now see. Guren felt as responsible for their lives as much as Narumi did. If not more so since this plan was mostly his fault.
"Are you going to give up?" Guren asked passively, face masked to what he wanted to present.
"No." Narumi stated firm. "I won't stop until the vampires and the Hiragis are buried."
"Good." Guren let out a soft smile.
Narumi turned to leave.
"You'll find new comrades, just hold on until then."
"..."
"It doesn't end here." Guren stated firmly "You'll need to find another reason to live."
Narumi clenched his jaw before turning to look back at him. "I've got reasons to live." Narumi just shrugged half heartedly "Besides... I have new comrades." Narumi continued his pace to go see how Shinoa's squad was doing, if nothing else...
He'd keep his promise to make sure they lived.
A/N: I hope this all sounded right. There's some knowledge that I'm missing on Narumi and Guren since I can't read Japanese to see what's in the novel and info books. So quite a bit is me guessing and trying to get a feel for the characters. I also haven't written a fanfic in at least four years so I hope this is still good. Hope you enjoyed and give Narumi a lot of love in the upcoming chapters, he's going to need it.