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SOULMATES
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You came into my life when everything was bleak… when hate was all that was left in me… when I felt that your betrayal had killed the love that flowed in my veins… the love that saved me… the love that gave me a life unlike anyone else's.
Our relationship had begun with love – love you felt for me as my godfather. That was the beginning of your relationship with me. My realisation of you began with love, too. I know you had always thought that hatred was a bad beginning for us. No, it wasn't so. When I would lie in darkness on lonely nights in my uncle's house, I would take out the album and sit near the window. The light from lamppost was just enough to illuminate your picture waving and grinning up at me.
I always admired how handsome you were. And then I didn't even know what a close relationship we shared. But I felt the bond all right. There was something between you and me even when I hadn't seen you and when I thought you were but a mere stranger.
Strange though it was, I had fallen in love with you.
When it begun, it wasn't the kind of love that desired proximity. It isn't even the kind of friendly love I have for Ron. It was love. Nothing else. Just plain love. Pure love. I didn't want to be near you. You seemed someone unreachable… someone from my most beautiful dreams. I loved you but I didn't expect or desire to meet you or to be with you. We were soulmates and would be so till the end of eternity. It was something natural. It was something that I knew. It was something that I couldn't change – not that I wanted to.
Our souls were one. I didn't even want to know your name. I knew you. I was glad that I knew you. That was all.
And then you came into my life… shattering all my dreams.
I have never been able to put them back again. I hoped to once. But I wasn't able to. I will never be able to.
I wanted so much to believe that this man who I knew wasn't the man who had destroyed a chance of better life for me. That was probably why I never tore your picture. No matter what you were – or I believed in my third-year, I didn't want to lose you. Even if you killed me. Our essence was one – how could you separate me from you by killing me? And death did seem a better option than believing that you were the man I was supposed to hate almost as much as I hate Voldemort.
Those few minutes when I experienced untainted bliss knowing that I would live with you… knew that although it didn't make a very big difference to me, I was to live with you… it was bliss. Bliss as can be only felt in heaven. But I would feel it even in hell if you were by my side there.
But then everything was lost once again.
A part of it regained, but having come so near to perfect paradise, I know that things would never be the same. It would have been much better if you had always been the man in the picture and never met me at all.
But you met me. And you made me desire things that I had always deemed to be out of reach. I don't blame you. I blame myself. I should not have dreamt at first place.
But we were soulmates. I was bound to meet you. You were bound to know me.
And you were my godfather. It didn't really matter to me whether you were a father or friend to me. All that that mattered was that you were there. That you would always be there. Though you couldn't be near me always, I know that you would be there when I needed you. You were always there when I needed you.
I never asked nor do I know whether you realized what was between us. Whether you felt the same bliss when we were near… whether you felt the same pain when we parted… whether you craved my company just as I had begun to crave yours… whether you knew what we were.
I never looked into your eyes – not when you were looking at me. Somehow, even though I was so sure about us, I was scared. I was afraid of making a mistake. I had lost much in life. Losing you was not an option. I didn't want to have any kind of wall between us. You will never know how much you meant to me. You will never know how much you pained me when you sullied the image of your perfection.
I hate Snape for that memory I stumbled upon. I hate myself for the curiosity that I couldn't contain. You were no more infallible. The sheer memory that you were all that Snape had said you were made my heart twist with pain. You had been my idol. I had always wanted to be like my father and you. My father – I could never meet. You were… you were everything to me.
Not then. Not after that horrible memory.
I was desperate to wipe that memory from my mind… desperate to search for a reason that you hadn't done that to Snape out of your own will… desperate to regain my lost idol…
But I didn't. Our last true conversation was not one which I like to recall now. Your last memory of me is something that will haunt me to my dying day.
I am not an Auror as I had first wanted to be. Of course, that was what I had been training for, for the whole of sixth year. But then someone of the Chudley Cannons came to see a game and wanted to sign me up. I agreed. I agreed because ever since your death, I had really not wanted to be an Auror.
Being an Auror would mean frequenting Azkaban.
I did not want to be haunted by you more than I already was.
Flying in the air, soaring high above the world, I forget everything. If I close my eyes and float languidly, I can feel you by my side… just as I can feel you lying next to me every night.
Hermione looks at me strangely sometimes. Maybe she suspects that I have gone mad. I don't know. I am not sure. I have no longer any clear idea about what I ought to do. I only do that which I want to do – which I feel I should do – for me, for you.
I will kill Bellatrix soon. I know that the time is near. The time when either Voldemort or I will die.
Both ways, I gain.
If I die, I will get to be with you.
If Voldemort dies, I will be free to kill myself and be with you.
Anyway, we will be together again. Soon, I hope. Maybe then I can see into your eyes with you looking into mine and even you will admit what I had accepted so long ago.
Whether in heaven or hell, I know I will always be with you.
They cannot separate us for a simple reason.
Because our soul is one – and will be so evermore…
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: A small piece that I came up with in one of my bouts of depression. Anyway, it is my first attempt at Harry-Sirius. I hope it wasn't too bad.
Please review!
For other Yaoi reading, (Severus-Sirius, Harry-Draco, Tasuki-Chichiri from Fushigi Yuugi), check out my profile.
- Lucille.
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