It was a peaceful morning in the Black Moon castle. Esmeralda was indulging in a luxurious bath to prepare herself for her long day ahead of more bathing and all around sauciness.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Koan you always tell the best stories." Esmeralda spoke into her telephone. "It's too bad that you turned good. I would love to see you again... What do mean you'll see me at the wedding? Who's getting married?... Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask? … How come I wasn't invited!... Oh yeah, like the space and time postal service loses mail all the time… They let you bring one guest, right? Then I'm coming with you… Date? How could you have gotten a date?... No, no, I don't mean it like that. It's just that, come on Koan it's me Esmeralda you best friend. I've brought you to so many special occasions. Remember the Dark Kingdom prom we both couldn't get dates and we went together. So you own me one… Why don't you dump that loser or whoever you paid and bring me instead? … No, I'm sorry, don't be mad… Please don't hang up… don't hang up!... Damn it!"
In a fit of anger, she threw telephone across the room and slammed her fist into the edge of the bathtub causing the water to sloshed around.
"Saphir! Saphir!" She screamed.
"What is it? Did you get soap in your eyes again?" He let out an annoyed sigh as he appeared.
"We are missing out on the social event of the century. Go get my phone book, we've got a wedding to crash!"
"Go get your own phone book, I'm not one of you drones," He replied.
Save the date
June 30th 2016
For the union of the
Miracle Romance
Usagi Tsukino
Mamoru Chiba
At the Juban Wedding Chapel
Also bring two gifts for it is not just Usagi's wedding, but also her birthday…
Actually bring three gifts, because it's also Chibiusa's birthday…
If you care.
"This invitation looks fake to me," said the usher as she flipped through her guest list. She was a tall woman with green hair and staff that resembled a key. "I can't find either one of your two names on my list."
Two somewhat portly Americans stood in front of the usher. One had a mustache and the other was clean shaven. They were frustrated, because they were not being let in, but they tried their best to be polite and not raise their voices.
"Come on now, our names must be on the list, we got these invitations in the mail months ago," said the mustached one.
"I'm telling you there is no Jordon D White or Chris Sims on the list and I can't let you walk through these doors without your name on the list, it is one of the three taboos. Now please leave so that real guests can be let in."
"Listen I'm Chris Sims I write comic books you might have heard of one of my titles: X-men '92. It just happens to be the bride's favorite comic book series."
"I don't care if you've written one X-men comic or ninety-two comics you are not attending this wedding without your name on the list. Now please step aside the wedding party are coming in."
First Mamoru walked up wearing his tuxedo, the same one he wore every night for the last five years, but he left the mask at home, so you could still tell it was him. With him was his best man Kunzite and his groom's men, the rest of the kings of heaven and walking in back with his head cast down was Motoki. Mamoru turned to him looking concerned.
"Come on chin up, why are you looking so gloom? This is joyous occasion."
"How come that jerk Kunzite is you best man and not me? I thought we were best friends."
"Motoki, we are best friends, but me and Kunzite go way back, so far back even to past lives."
"It's the cape, isn't it? Do I have to wear a cape to be one of your true friends? You and your cape boys are always hanging out together and I never get invited."
"Will you just drop it? I had to make him my best man. We are part of the galactic kingdom. We have a sacred bond or something."
"Why are you still friends with those guys didn't they turn evil and try to kill you?"
"Well actually they were just trying to kill my fiancé and her friends. We always stayed best bros."
The bride's maids came out next in their tacky colorful dresses. First entered Rei, Minako, Ami and then the maid of honor, Naru.
"This is such a nice day for a wedding," observed Minako.
"It's nice to see you all in good spirits after the wild night we had," said Naru.
"You planned one hell of a bachelorette party. We all had a great time. Well everyone except for Ami that is."
"Well it was her fault for bringing a book to a strip club."
"No, I don't think that was it."
They turned to Ami who hand her arms folded, she turned her head away and lifted her chin up. Then she glared at Makoto as she walked in rubbing her eyes.
"Hey girls, boy am I tired, but don't worry I am set for the big wedding we have ahead of us," she yawned.
"Yeah, I bet you're tired. Probably up all night making out with that stripper!" scorned Ami.
"No, he left hours before… wait, oh dear, I'm so sorry," apologized Makoto.
"Sorry, is not enough! You betrayed my trust."
"Mako, how could you kiss someone else. You and Ami have been going out for years now," said Minako.
"Trust me, I'm so sorry. I was so drunk last night and he looked just like my senpai," Makoto sounding sincerer this time, but Ami still wouldn't forgive her.
"That is no excuse!" Ami raised her voice.
"Hey, girls try to be civil. We're at a wedding remember," Naru cut in.
Ami and Makoto stopped fighting and casted their heads down in shame.
"Now everyone, the ceremony is about to begin. So everyone remember your pairings and hook arms together so that we can walk in to the chapel," said Naru.
Motoki walked over to Makoto still looking gloom.
"Well it looks like I'm not the only one who's having a bad day," commented Makoto.
"Yeah, I would rather be anywhere else, but here right now," replied Motoki.
"Tell me about it. Weddings were never my thing."
Jediete and Ami both hooked arms together.
"So I hear that these books are pretty popular now days," said Jediete.
"Yeah, I guess," Ami was suddenly feeling nervous.
Nephrite approached Rei as he said, "Hey Rei, you're looking fine today."
"Just hook arms with me. If you try to go any further I will burn you," she threatened as she stuck her elbow out.
The organ music began to play as the bride's maids and groom's men entered the chapel together.
Shingo walked in as the ring bearer. The pillow with two rings on it was the only thing preventing him from putting his hands behind his neck and raising his elbows.
Chibiusa wasn't far behind wearing a cute pink dress and carrying her Luna P, but before she could enter she was stopped by Sailor Pluto.
"Small Lady where is your basket of flowers? You can't enter without it. As the flower girl it is you job to throw rose peddles on the ground."
"Don't worry I have it right here," Chibiusa bounced the Luna P ball on the ground as she ran around in a circle. "Luna P ball transform!"
The cat ball bounced high up into the air and came down as basket of rose peddles. She caught it and carried it as she walked up the isle of the chapel, spreading rose peddles along the ground as she went.
Now was the moment that everyone was waiting for as the beautiful bride, Usagi Tsukino, entered the chapel. She wore an elegant white dress with gold accents. He hair was flowing in two long locks topped off her trademarked ordangos. She was the prettiest bride aside from the fact that her father was walking with her balling his eyes out.
"I can't believe I'm giving you away. It seems like just yesterday that I was driving you too school for the first time. You've grown up so fast," he cried like a baby.
Usagi tried her best to keep smiling as she whispered through her teeth, "Dad, will you stop. You're embarrassing me."
"I hope you've found the right man that will treat you right and not betray you."
"We'll talk about it later, dad. We're at the front the alter now. Let go of me and sit down."
He left her and sat down next to his wife who was all smiles, "I'm so proud of our daughter. This is the happiest day of my life. I can't wait until she makes me a grandmother."
With the bride and groom standing at the front of the alter the wedding was ready to begin as the Priest entered, but he wasn't any ordinary catholic priest. He resembled an angel with big red wings and bird's feet. He wore nothing but red boxing gloves and trunks.
"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of Usagi Tsukino and Mamoru Chiba. Now to proclaim their love the bride and groom have written their own vows. The bride will go first."
"Mamoru ever since I hit you in the head with one of my failed tests I've known that you are the one for me. Things may have been rough for us in the beginning with you always showing up at the most awkward moments, making fun of my hair, and dating my best friend, but I forgive all of that, because deep down I have always and loved you and I know that you have always loved me." Usagi paused as began to softly cry, then proceeded with her vows. "Mamoru Chiba, Darian Sheilds, Tuxedo Mask, Prince Edymion, you are the man of my dreams, my guardian of the night, and the love of my life. We were in love in our past lives and we will be in love until the end of time. Today on our wedding day we begin our journey of staying the same age together for rest of eternity."
There was not a dry eye in the whole chapel. Everyone was deeply moved by what Usagi had said. Boxy the priest turned to the groom and said, "Mamoru it is time for you to say your vows."
"Oh, my vows? I think I wrote them down somewhere," he checked his pockets pretending to search for a piece of paper. "I um well… ahem… Well I can't find it, but I remember what I was going to say… Serena, Usagi Tsukino, Sailor Moon… I believe in you. Never give up… Um in the corner of the galaxy there is a planet that plays the most beautiful melody. That planet is Earth and that is where I am from, I am the prince of the Earth and um the Earth always has a companion hovering around it, the Moon. That is, you Usagi, always hovering around me like giant floating ball. So yeah let's get married and stuff, because I love you."
Hearts formed in Usagi's eyes and she leaped and hugged Mamoru. "Oh that was so beautiful!"
Zoisite turned to Motoki and said, "What the hell did he just say?"
"I don't know, but the guy could always pull some nice words out of his ass," answered Motoki
Boxy pried Usagi off of Mamoru and continued the ceremony. "That was very beautiful what the both of you had to say. Now at this moment if anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed speak now of forever hold your peace."
Five hands went up.
"Wow, well um, okay you with the two medals, why shouldn't these two get married?" Boxy pointed to a man wearing a lavender tuxedo and looking transparent.
"Mamoru Chiba, I am you from the future and you can't marry her, because of bad stuff in the future and other reasons."
"I'm sorry, but that is not enough. You have to be specific."
"Bro once you marry her she's gonna get fat."
"Not a good enough reason," Boxy looked around at the crowd of people and selected another person who was raising her hand. "How about you, Miss Haruna, what is your reason for these two not get married?"
"She is still in middle school and he is too old for her," she pointed out.
"That is a good point," Boxy thought out loud.
Alan the Doomtree alien spoke out, "In Japan the legal age of consent is fourteen."
"Just because it's okay in Japan doesn't mean it's not gross," Miss Haruna countered back.
"It doesn't matter if you are different ages, different species, or even related. Love is love."
"Ew gross, but yeah by this marriage is still legal. So we are going to have to keep trying to find more reasons for these two not to be together." Boxy next pointed to a tall woman with pink pigtails, a fashionable dress, and lots of make-up.
"The groom is unfaithful, he will cheat on her with me, his own daughter!"
"That's it, I give up," Boxy threw his bible on the ground and walked away. "Good luck finding another minister."
Usagi burst into tears crying waterfalls out of her eyes, "Wwwaaaaaahhhh! Now I will never be happily married!"
"Is there another minister in the house or something? Just make her stop crying," said Mamoru.
Luna nudged Artemis next to her, "Hey, aren't you still a registered minister from the church of the Moon Kingdom?"
Artemis covered his mouth as to not call attention to himself and whispered back, "Shut up, about that."
But it was too late, everyone had heard Luna and were staring at the now embarrassed Artemis, "Damn it, yeah, I am actually a minister and can legally preform weddings in the nation of Japan and the solar system."
"Yippee!" Usagi perked up back to her usual cheerful self as Artemis walked up to the alter and picked up the bible.
"Okay, let's get this over with. Do you Usagi Tsukino take Mamoru Chiba to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, for coma, for hypnotism, for memory wipes, for all around douchiness, in sickness and in health, until death do us depart?"
"I do," replied Usagi.
"Are you sure? Alright. Do you Mamoru Chiba take Usagi Tsukino to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, for whininess, for weight gain, for laziness, for constant damsel in distress, in sickness and in health, until death do us depart?"
"I do," replied Mamoru Chiba.
"Then you may kiss the bride."
They kissed and sealed their love together for rest of their lives.
After the wedding the guests gathered for the reception at the Juban Ballroom. The place was beautifully decorated with paper moons and stars. A gorgeous young green haired woman serenated the guests with violin music. The guests enjoyed their meals of fried chicken, pizza, and coffee.
Still feeling bummed out Motoki poked at his food with no intention of eating it.
"The food here is pretty crappy here isn't it?" Makoto said, she had barely eaten a bite of her food too.
"Yeah, this is the blandest chicken I've had and the pizza is burnt to a crisp," Motoki cracked a smile.
"These cooks don't know anything. If I was the cook, I would have used buttermilk to fry the chicken and added some garlic salt and paprika. As for the pizza I would have used bread floor and added more olive oil."
"Wow, that sounds delicious. I wish could cook like that."
"Well I could teach you, but I would have to charge," she smiled.
Motoki and Makoto's conversation was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a fork hitting a wine glass. Everyone turned their attention to Kunzite as he stood up to make his toast.
He raised his glass and said, "To the newlyweds Mamoru Chiba and his lovely wife… ah, ah…."
Zosite leaned over and whispered into his ear, "Usagi Tsukino."
"To Mamoru Chiba and Usage Tusk-Chemo there is no union greater than that of a trashpile and its rubbish. May your love be a landfill of happiness."
As he sat down and Naru stood to deliver her speech. "As the bride's best friend we grew up together and I have seen her fall in love several times over and get rejected many times, but now I am happy to see that she has found the right man for her. A man that will always stand by her side and support her-''
Her speech was suddenly interrupted as a fried shrimp flew by irritating her.
"Umino! Will you stop throwing the hor d'oeuvres!" She regained her composure and continued. "It is so nice to see her have a man that will treat her right and not take creepy photographs of her, or correct her when she makes a mistake, or not act like a dweezel in front of her friends!"
"Okay, those were some nice speeches. Thank you, both of you, but now it is time for the bouquet toss," announced Usagi.
The bride's maids and all of the rest of the female guests rushed to the ballroom floor. Usagi turned her back to the crowd and held the bouquet in front of her. The women raised their hands high as the flowers flew through the air, but one hand was higher than the rest. That hand was Makoto's as she caught the bouquet. Everyone congratulated her on her great catch as all of the men made their way to the floor for the garter toss.
"Come on Motoki, you're not gonna want to be late for the garter toss," Zosite tugged on his sleeve.
"I'll be right behind you," Motoki and Zosite were the last to arrive as Mamoru slide the garter off of Usagi's leg. With a swift hand he threw it into the air. The garter sailed through the air at such a speed that no man could catch it until it reached the back of the crowd. The crowd of men parted as they looked back to see who caught it. Motoki stood there empty handed, but behind him was a lone dark figure in a tuxedo and top hat holding the garter. The man took off his top hat revealing his blue hair for the lone figure was actually Ami in a tuxedo.
"Great catch," said Ami as she walked over to Makoto. "I'm sorry for being a jerk earlier."
"No, you're right," Makoto smile back at her. "I shouldn't have kissed that guy, there was no excuse for it. I'm sorry, I may sometimes flirt with other people from time to time, but I want you to know that you will always have my heart."
Usagi walked over feeling good for her friends finally resolving their quarrel, "It's so nice to see the two of you back together. So when are you getting hitched?
"When are you going to make gay marriage legal in Japan?" Makoto glared at her as she put one arm over the shoulders of Ami.
"Oh, uh I think it's time to cut the cake. I've got to go," Usagi quickly ran away to the cake. On the way she grabbed Mamoru by the back of his collar and dragged him along.
A crowd gathered around the cake as Usagi and Mamoru cut the first slices. They took one slice in their hands and stuffed them into the other's faces in a playful manner.
"Ow, you bit me!" Mamoru pulled back his hand wincing in pain. "Hey, what happened to my glove?"
Usagi was unable to respond, she was too busy eating. Naru started cutting more pieces and handing them out to the other guests, but it wasn't until everyone was eating that Mamoru noticed something strange about the cake. On the top where the figuring of a bride and groom should have been there was instead small jade statue of a skinny woman hold a fan up in the air.
"Oh no, everyone is passing out from having their energy drained," said Minako.
"It looks like we have the Dark Moon as caterers," commented Rei.
"Wait why didn't we get our energy drained from eating the cake?"
"I don't know Moon magic maybe."
"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!" The girls heard taunting laugher as out of thin air appeared four of their greatest villains: Esmeralda, Dracula, Thetis, and Jiji.
"You girls thought you could have a wedding with inviting me? Ain't no way that you are going to have a fancy catered event without me," said Esmeralda.
"Wait is that what this is about? You're just feeling lonely, because you weren't invited. I thought that we going to kill everyone and drink their blood," said Dracula.
"Oh please, Esmeralda is one spiteful bitch," said Thetis. "JiJi, now attack them before they transform!"
"Jiji!"
The Oni like monster jumped towards Rei and Minoko smashing the ground. Dodged out of the way of destruction Rei exclaimed, "Oh no, it looks like Grandpa is off his meds again!"
"Yeah, and Dracula is back from the dead again, but I don't recognize the fourth one with blue skin," said Ami.
"What?!" Thetis was upset that Ami had forgotten her. "Remember me, I fought you girls alongside Jediete."
"I'm sorry, not ringing any bells."
"I beat you up on a cruise ship once!"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I bubble blasted your ass to hell. Speaking of which," She raise her transformation pen up into the air. "Girls I think it's about time for us to transform."
"Dang it, we better summon a monster before they finish transforming," said Esmeralda. "I sure as hell not going to fight these girls myself. I just got a medi-pedi and I don't want to scratch the nail polish."
"I've got an idea, how about instead of summoning only one monster we each summon one to fight the Sailor Senshi so that we can even out the playing field," suggested Dracula.
Together the three villains fired their collected negative energy at the wedding gifts transforming them into monsters. The boxes grew larger and the wrapping paper busted off the gifts revealing the monsters. First there was Nukcuve. She was formerly a microwave, now her arms where made up of numbered buttons, her chest opened up to a white box that emanated a bright light. Next was Stir Mixy he had a thin pencil mustache, lime wedge shoulder pads, a torso made of ice cubes, and martini glass stems for legs. The last monster was Fondudue: she was large steel pot overflowing with hot slimy cheese and had long tiny forks for arms and legs.
The Sailor Senshi had finished their transformations and Tuxedo Mask put on his mask and top hat. Sailor Moon stood in the center ready to fight, "It is every little girl's dream to one day get married to the man of her dreams and you lonely spinster had ruined it. That is unforgivable! I am the pretty sailor soldier of love and justice. Sailor Moon, in name of the moon I will punish you!"
Stir Mixy threw many tiny tooth pick umbrellas a the girls. They ducked dodging out the way barely avoiding getting pinned to the ground. Tuxedo Mask jumped at the monsters returning fire by throwing his trademark roses, but before he could do anything useful he was snatched up by Nukcuve and stuffed inside her chest cavity. The monster pressed the number buttons on her shoulders. A bright light turned on and Tuxedo slowly began to spin around inside of her. He felt small room getting warmer as his skin turned into a brown flaky crust and his insides became tasty and gooey. A bell rung and Nukcuve returned the microwaved groom back to his bride.
She ran to his side and yelled out, "You transformed by Tuxedo Mask into a hot pocket! You will pay for this!"
She took off her tiara calling out her attack, "Moon Tiara Action!" And threw it at the monster killing it and turning back to a regular microwave oven.
Meanwhile the rest of the Sailor Senshi were busy fighting off more monsters. Fondudue threw a big glob of melted cheese at Sailor Venus sticking her to the wall.
"Come on let's do this together," Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mercury held hands together and called out their own attacks.
"Mercury Aqua Mist!"
"Supreme Thunder Attack!"
The two Sailors combined their powers together for one massive attack blasting Fondudue and transforming it back into a fondue pot.
"We did it! We reduced that ugly monster to a thoughtless wedding gift that would never be used," said Sailor Jupiter.
"You are a great fighter. I feel that I could overcome any obstacle with you by my side," Sailor Mercury closed her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. Sailor Jupiter did the same, but before their lips could touch she was snatched up into giant steel drink shaker. Stir Mixy held the shaker and added vodka and ice before proceeding to shake it all together transforming Sailor Jupiter into a cocktail. He poured out the contents into a martini glass and handed it to Esmeralda. She drank the entire glass and smiled.
"No!" Cried out Sailor Mercury after seeing her lover being liquefied and swallowed by her enemy.
"Hahahahahahaha, Nice drink, but next time add more ice, bartender," said Esmeralda.
"That is the last time a monster gets between two of my friends," yelled Sailor Mars. She put her hands together and called out her attack.
"Burning Mandala!"
With a blast of flames she transformed Stir Mixy back into a mixed drink set.
Sailor Moon approached Sailor Mercury to comfort her, "I know that you are sad, but you must be brave and push through the pain."
"You're right Sailor Moon, lets finish this," Sailor Mercury wiped the tears from her eyes.
"There's no way that you foolish girls are going to win this. You've forgot that we still have one more monster," said Esmeralda. "Jiji, get them."
The monster leaped and tackled Sailor Moon to the ground, but suddenly a sharp object flew through the air distracting Jiji. Everyone looked up at the sky light and saw a man standing in the shadows wearing a cape and masked.
The stranger called out words of encouragement, "You are vengeance, you are the night, you are Sailor Moon."
As quickly he arrived the pointy eared masked man left.
Sailor Mars knocked Jiji aside and proceed to fight him, "I'll keep the old man busy. You girls take out the rest."
"Shin Aqua Illusion!" She blasted Esmeralda with all of her energy freezing her into a giant lime green popsicle.
"Moon Princess Halation!" Sailor Moon blasted the frozen Esmeralda causing her to break apart and fall into a small pile of chunks of ice.
"Whoa, they killed her. Come on Thetis let's get out of here before they remember that we were here too," Dracula and Thetis made an escape out the exit.
Slowly everything returned to normal. All of the guests regained consciousness. Tuxedo Hotpocket transformed back into Mamoru. The sticky melted cheese evaporated freeing Sailor Venus. Jiji turned back into Grandpa once again.
"Makoto? Where is Makoto?" Ami looked around worried. Everything was back to normal, but her friend was nowhere to be found. She walked over to the pile of ice that once was Esmeralda and knelt down on her knees and began to cry.
"It's not fair! It's not fair! We finally made up and could be happy together. I loved her, I wanted to marry her and live with her forever, but with one sip you took that all away from me!"
One tear rolled off of Ami's cheek and fell onto the pile of ice. Suddenly a bright beam of light shot out from where the tear landed and a beam of light emanated into the sky. The beam of light grew larger and out of it appeared Sailor Jupiter. She was alive once again, because Sailor Mercury resurrected her with the power of love. The two of the embraced and finally kissed. Everyone's hearts grew warm as they witnessed the union of the real miracle romance.
The End
Special bonus: Sailor Moon wedding play list
Ceremony Processional: Sailor Stars Song-Mitsuko Horie
Bride's Entrance: Moonlight Densetsu (instrumental only)
Ceremony Recessional: Otome no Policy-Etsuko Yakushimaru
Reception Entrance: La Soldier-Sera Myu (Stage One)
Cake-Cutting: In the Fluffy Moon Nite-Megumi Hayashibara
Bouquet Toss: Tuxedo Night-Apple Pie
Garter Toss: Chasin' After You-The Three Lights (From Eien Densetsu)
First Dance: My Only Love-Jennifer Cihi
Father-Daughter Dance: Daddy's Girl-Patricia Tollet
Mother and Son: No dance Mamuro is an orphan.
Wedding party dance: Moon Pride-Momoiro Clover Z
Parents' dance: You Are My Jewelry-Sera Myu (from Kaguya Shima Densetsu)
Kids' dance: Pinky Typhoon-Sera Myu (From Shin Kaguya Densetsu)
Everyone on the dance floor: I Want to Hold Your Hand-Jennifer Cihi
In place of chicken dance: Sailor Busters-Sera Myu
Everyone sing alone: C'est la Vie-Komatsu Ayaka
Slow Dance: Shadow On My Sweet Memories-Sera Myu (From Shin Densetsu Kourin)
Last Dance: Held Ihrer Treame-Super Moonies