Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.
A/N: This story is the small one-shot I promised after the epilogue of "Various Shades of Gray". It is inspired by Aashlee Elizabeth's "Why?" and posted with her kind permission. Aashlee Elizabeth was also generous enough to suggest a few corrections.
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Let It Be
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Sarek returned to his room the same evening, the events of the day still dominating his thoughts.
When the door closed behind him with a small hissing sound, Sarek found himself alone for the first time in several hours.
He took a few slow steps, but stopped in the middle of his room as he felt the day's unfortunate events adding an additional weight on his shoulders.
For what happened on that day was no small issue.
The loss of Selen, the embassy gardener, who unexpectedly took his own life, seemed illogical. And no matter how much Sarek or Selen's associates tried to think of a reason that would explain the man's action, that burning question, "Why?" was still left unanswered.
It was the same question he asked himself every time he recalled Amanda's untimely death.
Amanda, his deceased bondmate.
Suddenly that heavy weight moved to his heart. And Sarek knew that for one more night, his peace was lost and his rest gone.
Flew out of the window, as she would say, laughing at his puzzlement.
Unable to hold back a deep sigh, he took off his robe and the rest of his clothing. Perhaps a sonic shower would remove some pressure, especially between his shoulders.
The day seemed illogically longer than it was and Sarek had already decided to spend the night meditating.
After finishing from the shower, he wore a robe, took his meditation bowl and filled it with incense. His body moved in an almost mechanical way, for this was a ritual he had repeated every day of his life. In a way he was grateful, as it saved him any extra mental activity.
He placed the bowl on the floor, in the middle of the room. Then he sat down on his mat, folding his legs.
Soon the scent filled his nostrils, the question of Selen's suicide note never leaving his mind. In the stillness of the room, Sarek continued to search for unreachable answers…
In his note, Selen asked forgiveness for the inconvenience his death would cause. He left directions for the dispersal of his limited possessions. He wished his colleagues peace and long life.
Other than that Selen told them… nothing. No clues, no ideas, not the slightest hint whatsoever why he chose voluntarily to bring his life to an end. A choice billion of Vulcan men, women and children were denied. Yet, he had taken it… Why?
Sarek emerged from the meditation after five hours, more tired than he already was.
He had failed to reach any logical conclusion.
Additionally his head hurt; a splitting headache that occurred more and more frequently during the last weeks. Clearly personal meditation was not sufficient; he would have to consult a healer as the pain slowly became unbearable.
Exhausted, he removed the robe and lay on the bed.
In a desperate attempt for rest, he closed his eyes… only to feel it at that exact moment. It was the first time in several months, ever since he lost her.
A small tingle in his bond, their bond. The marital bond he once shared with his beloved adun'a.
Even before he opened his eyes, he felt her. Not as a passing memory, but her full weight on his body. Her scent reached his nostrils, her fingers caressed his skin.
Amanda.
He opened his eyes to see his adun'a sitting on his lap, straddling him.
Amanda.
Dressed in her nightgown, she smiled at him.
"Amanda." Even speaking her name aloud, made him dizzy.
When her voice reached Sarek's ears, it felt like a sound from heaven.
"How nice," she said with an implying smile. "You still remember me."
Sarek tilted his head, trying to comprehend what his eyes were seeing. "To forget would be… unnatural… Like your presence."
"Oh. You want me to leave?"
He almost panicked. "No!" A million thoughts came to his mind but he hesitated for a few seconds, uncertain what to say. "Please stay."
Again, she gave him one of her trademark subtle smiles. "Very well. But I can't stay for long."
"Why?"
"I think you know very well why… Think, my love. Think."
His mind quickly analyzed the situation. Indeed, there was only one logical explanation.
"Because… you are not real… My bondmate perished along with my planet of birth. And you…"
"… yes? …"
"You… are… a remnant… a memory, emanating from… our marital bond."
The realisation hit him. His marital bond was not dissolved. It was still linking, memories, thoughts, ideas, smells, an imaginary touch, a caress that was so painfully real… The growing sensation of everything combined was almost unbearable.
That was when he added one more item in the list of Selen's possible motives. It was a striking realization… and it was sitting on his lap.
She voiced out his thoughts, the exact moment he made them.
"Imagination?" she purred, as her hands began caressing his torso. "Can an imagination do this?"
He let out a small hissing sound.
Seeing his arousal, a victorious smile was drawn in her lips. "Theories, theories… Theory is gray, my love, but the golden tree of life springs ever green."
His lips quirked up at the corners. A rare expression he reserved only for her. "You have always been a temptation I could barely resist."
"Why, osu, you flatter me."
"But that doesn't change the fact that you are dead, Amanda." He felt as if a sharp knife cut through his heart. It felt as if his own words betrayed her.
"Oh, my love," she sighed. "Does it matter?"
He looked at her for three entire minutes before shaking his head, his logic utterly defeated even by her memory. "No. It doesn't matter."
Her image was the same when they met, so many years ago. Young, fresh. Beautiful. That was his thought when he first saw her.
Beautiful.
"I love you," he whispered, the words burning his throat. "I regret not having spoken these words, while you lived."
She gazed at him tenderly, her hands resting close to his heart.
"I know, my love. Don't you think I didn't know that?"
"And yet, you didn't come tonight to hear these words."
She smiled, but it was a hidden truth that lingered behind her lips.
"You want something… don't you?"
"Well… things ended up quite abruptly between us."
He swallowed hard; the memory of her loss was still painful like the fires of hell. "Your sense of humor has always been… unorthodox."
Her sole response was a small chuckle.
"What do you want, Amanda? Why are you here tonight?"
"Oh, now I am here? And I thought I was a mere fragment of your imagination," she teased.
"You are. And you are here... What do you want, beloved?"
Suddenly her expression changed. Gone was her youth, her freshness, her enthusiasm. They were replaced by her mature image of their later years. Yet her smile always remained the same, reserved and captivating, just like the first day they met.
Only now the image of his bondmate didn't smile. She looked uncertain at the opposite wall, at an IDIC wall decoration, as if searching for answers in that symbol's odd shape.
"I want… I want…"
For a few seconds, his entire existence clung at the edge of her lips.
With a grave look on her face, she turned and stared deep into his eyes. "I want you to live, Sarek."
Now he was more confused than before. "But… I lived, Amanda. You were the one who perished."
"No…" She gave him a reserved smile and shook her head. "Silly, silly man. You still don't understand. I want you to live, Sarek. I need you to live. Live, my love."
He realised what her request meant.
"Your request is … premature. I still have time."
"I know… Promise me, Sarek. Promise me, that you will live."
"It is very early for me to consider that–"
"Nevertheless. Promise me."
He hesitated for a few seconds, lost in her eyes. "I– promise."
Only then the smile returned in her face and her expression softened. "That is all I wanted to hear. We knew you'd outlive me, yes?"
His jaw tightened.
"Sarek?"
"Yes," he agreed, the words abrupt as he tried to level his voice. "We knew." He felt a choking feeling in his throat. It was time to confess everything he held inside him ever since the day she was unjustly and prematurely taken from him.
"I miss you so much. I miss you when I am awake. I miss you when I sleep. I miss you with every heartbeat. With my every breath, I miss you."
"I know, my love. Be strong."
He found himself drowned in grievance. "You were my strength."
"Now you exaggerate. If I didn't know you can do this, I would never have married you." She sighed. "I have to go."
"No!"
"I already told you I can't stay for long. The bond's abnormal activity will cause permanent damage to your brain."
"A few more hours," he pleaded.
Determined, she shook her head. "It is dangerous."
"Minutes then. Please stay. Please."
She gave him a crooked smile. "When have I loved you so little so as to hurt you?"
"I don't care."
"Well, I did, and still do. I love you, Sarek. And you promised me you'll live. That's all I ever wanted to hear. Now… close your eyes."
He realised what her words meant. "I don't want to."
"Oh, Sarek," she sighed again. "You stubborn, stubborn man."
"A few more minutes. Seconds. Please stay. Please."
Smiling, she bent and kissed him softly on the lips.
"It felt… real," he said tasting his lips, "for an abnormal brain activity."
"Why, Sarek, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."
Looking at her face, he swallowed hard. "This is farewell, isn't it?"
"Indeed it is, my love."
"I love you, Amanda. And I miss you, so very much."
She reached out and touched a finger on his lips. "Shhh… It will be all right, Sarek. Just… let it be."
"You always made the most illogical requests."
"And you always found a logical excuse to accommodate them," she said, caressing his cheek tenderly. "Let it be, my love."
"It is… difficult to let go, Amanda, when you take everything that comforts me with you."
"And what makes you think I will be far away?" Smiling, she placed her right hand on his ribs, close to his heart. "I'll always be here. Won't I?"
His voice came out hoarse, almost choked. "Always. Always and forever."
She nodded, with a teary smile. "Parted from me, yet…"
"Never parted," he finished her phrase, unable to say anything else.
Once more she bent and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. It was followed by another, and another.
"Now," she whispered, "close your eyes. And remember, I will always be a heartbeat away."
However in his clan, he wasn't taught to follow, but to give orders. Looking into her eyes, he shook his head, still refusing to comply.
A tear rolled down Amanda's cheek and landed on his own. And although he knew that nothing had touched his face, he accepted it as reality – as the single tear he never shed for her.
A peaceful smile formed on her lips. "Only a thought away, my love," she pleaded. "Only a thought away. Please, Sarek. Please, close your eyes."
With these words Amanda continued to place soft kisses on his eyelids. And for once Sarek of Vulcan did as he was told.
Slowly, the kisses became lighter, more ethereal, until only a warm memory of a soft touch remained. A touch that was… and is no more.
When he reopened his eyes, he found himself lying on the bed alone.
Strangely enough, the headache was gone. His heart felt lighter too. He felt… peaceful and calm.
He took a deep breath and with a swift move rose from the bed. Trying his hands and feet, he realized he felt lighter… In fact he was more relaxed than he had been in several months.
Immediately he recalled a small medical tricorder he kept in the closet. He took it and passed it next to his head. His brain's activity was heightened, yet within safe levels.
And in regards to Selen… Was the pain resulting from his broken marital bond proving insufferable? It was a possibility since Vulcan emotions ran deep…
Or could it be that Selen was unable to handle the loss of his entire clan? Vulcans were extremely private as a species – it was possible he had never confided to anyone the thoughts that troubled him.
But still… Selen was a kind man, intelligent, willing, and resourceful. If he felt himself troubled, why didn't he reach for help? Vulcans controlled their emotions, yet, just like Humans, they were compassionate and always willing to offer assistance, especially at desperate times like these.
And as for the others who made the same decision before him… Could it be that there was a common thread between them?
He sighed and lowered his head. It was of no use. Whatever secrets Selen or anybody else held were lost along with their katras. To delve into questions that could not be answered was only illogical.
Instead, they should focus on the living.
Soon the moon was going to set and the sun would rise. He would speak with the rest of the Elders. They needed to arrange sessions with the healers, informing all Vulcan survivors. If anybody had trouble handling the abrupt termination of their mental bond and needed assistance, the healers or the Elders would provide it.
Vulcans always took comfort in their bondmates and their families. It was part of their nature. Their species wasn't made to be alone.
Nobody had to remain alone at times like these. Nobody needed to remain alone.
Taking a few slow steps, Sarek stood by the window. And there he remained, looking out over the tranquil embassy gardens – the gardens Selen once took care of – toward the city.
A cool breeze was coming from San Francisco Bay. It was still dark outside; the pale moonlight reflected on the dark waters.
He found himself gazing at the ominous scenery when an opposite image, a bright holo-picture came to him. It was taken years ago and existed no more.
Amanda, tired, and worn; her hair dishevelled and sweaty. She was lying on their bed, both laughing and crying at the same time. Her face illuminated by all the happiness of the world. Because in her arms she held the most valued treasure of the universe, their newborn son.
He had taken that image, so many years ago. Amanda did not have his eidetic memory, so that holo-image was the only way she could accurately recall their son's birth and how Spock looked during the early hours of his infancy.
That picture was, and is no more. It was gone, along with everything else, everything he cherished, everything he worshiped, everything he owned. Everything he held close to his heart and mind.
Now, only the emptiness remained; a void in his heart and mind. A marital bond terminated prematurely and unwillingly. And once the leak in his marital bond was mended and the damage was remedied… Once the wound was healed, then… what would remain of her?
The first lights of the new day fell over the city, casting away the numbness of the night. Slowly life would begin anew.
A new day. A new start for their decimated species. A new beginning. Soon the rest of the staff would awaken, including the children. Their teachers often took them out to the gardens to show them the local flora and the few remaining Vulcan plants.
Amanda often took their infant son to their garden. She would sit on a bench, holding Spock in her arms, singing him her favorite lullaby. The lyrics still echoed in Sarek's mind after almost thirty years.
It is the evening of the day
I sit and watch the children play
Smiling faces I can see
But not for me
I sit and watch
As tears go by
That song… that beloved voice was now forever silent, along with billion others…
Vulcans had lost so much... He had lost so much, he couldn't afford losing more. And the wound inside him had to be healed because it threatened to strip him from his most cherished treasure.
"Of course, and I shall live," he said to himself. "How else can I continue loving you?"
The end.
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Author's Note: "Let It Be", written by Paul McCartney. According to Wikipedia, McCartney had a dream about his late mother during a tense period. In his dream, his mother had told him "It will be all right, just let it be."
By pure coincidence, today is Sir Paul's birthday.
"As Tears Go By", written by Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Andrew Loog Oldham. Performed by Moya Brennan and the London Symphonic Orchestra.
"Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life springs ever green." Faust, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
As promised, this story is the small one-shot that follows "Various Shades of Gray". The holo-image Sarek recalls is mentioned in the 11th chapter. It took me a while to write it, because I constantly postponed it on purpose.
Suicides during an economic crisis are considered collateral damage. I find that euphemism unfitting, since collateral is linked with unintended. Humans are not collateral damage, at least in my poor Greeklish vocabulary.
It is not easy living in a country when suicide rates have hit a 50-year high. Witnessing pain creates two kinds of emotions within a person: anger and sadness. I expressed my anger in "Α tale of two mirrors". Now, through this story I express my sadness.
"Life has more imagination than we carry in our dreams." Christopher Columbus said that. And let us never forget that there are always possibilities and people willing to help.