Ok so I'm mixed on S5 so far but there are a couple of key seasons that really stand-out. The girls in the theater discussing their fave reality show and Ali's subtle outsider status. And the life without A scene. Also in 5x02 the two latter Spoby scenes. Spencer seems to want out more than the other girls' and with the exception of Ali she's the one most likely to run away (although she's about the only teenager I'd actually cheer on, cause come on Hastings family!).
So even though I'm a bit late to the party I've written this fic on her thoughts during the ep.
Hope you like.
Alison has been home a day, and as much as Spencer hates what it says about her, the brunette wishes the blonde was still gone. She didn't want the other girl to get hurt. God knows she was glad her friend wasn't dead. But as she always did Alison managed to infuriate her like no one else just by being in her life.
Spencer knew why she was so angry. They had spent the past two years taking the brunt of -A's malicious, homicidal crazy stalker torture. Assaults and torment that had been meant for Alison!
They had been so close to being free. So close to having actual lives again. To being happy! –A was gone. Ali was alive. They could go to the police, explain everything and finally get out of the shadow of Rosewood's gossip mill. They could stop being those girls who lied. All they needed to do was tell the truth for once and their never-ending nightmare would be over.
Of course Alison had absolutely no understanding of the concept of truth. And it drove her CRAZY!
Spencer had long ago realized that despite the seemingly constant need for them to do so, lying had never actually helped them. And she was sick of it. Sick of not being able to look people in the eye. Sick of letting them think she didn't trust them. Sick of not being able to tell the truth or else expose the web of stories that had already been weaved.
Emily though was apparently happy to be back on Planet Alison, willing to carry out every whim.
Aria was still too messed up from Fitz and Shana to weigh in.
Hanna seemed to have some reservations. But once Hanna had pledged her allegiance to you she'd stand by you until her last breath. Hanna might share her doubts but she wasn't going to go against Ali. Not yet anyway.
Right now it was only Spencer willing to argue the point. Just like before.
Whatever happened they'd get through it. They wouldn't have to keep pretending anymore. They'd surely survived worse. They'd make it through this.
Spencer had meant what she said to Hanna and Emily the previous night in the theatre. She didn't want to go back to being the girl that only cared about winning. Even to the point of throwing away her principles. That girl plagiarized essays and cheated with her sister's boyfriends. That girl didn't care about her friends, didn't have time for anyone or anything that could get in her way to being the best. The girl who took pills to get ahead and was violent to her opposition even if it wasn't warranted. A girl who had judged innocent people in the worst possible way.
Five minutes with Alison and Spencer felt like she was that girl again.
She didn't even know what would make her happy. Getting rejected from UPenn had been a huge blow to her but Spencer hadn't thought about college for weeks. She didn't know where she really wanted to go or what kind of studies would fascinate her. She didn't really know what she wanted. But she knew she wanted to be able to figure it out!
Spencer got that Ali's lie protected Aria. She got that there was a threat still out there. (God knows she was waiting for the other shoe to drop on Shana's story. She'd lived this war long enough not to lose her paranoia quite yet.) But Spencer couldn't shake the feeling that the blonde was only looking out for herself with her so-called kidnapping. She was putting them in their places, pulling their strings like they were her dolls all over again. And she was giving more ammunition to whoever had sent that text.
'We should have let her stay on the bus. Or better still I should have stayed on it and let her deal with all things Rosewood. It's not like I want to stay.'
She mentally winced when she heard her mother's pleasant inquiry of "milk and sugar". She wasn't in the mood to deal with company.
That thought quickly vanished though as the reply "milk is great" registered in her mind. She knew that voice. And she was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
She quickly entered the kitchen. A genuine smile broke out on her face for the first time in what felt like forever. It wasn't just wishful thinking on her part. He was actually here.
Toby.
As if he sensed her, Toby turned, greeting her in his usual warm tone. She'd never be tired of hearing it.
If possible her face brightened even more as she returned his greeting, eagerly rushing into his open arms and holding him tightly. She had missed him more than words could ever say and judging by the way he held her just as closely made her suspect he'd felt the same.
"When did you get back?" The question was somewhat mumbled into his shoulder but Spencer didn't care. She'd be perfectly fine staying like this forever.
"Late last night. Or this morning. I don't know. I think I had dinner on two continents." She could hear the tiredness in his voice but there was that slight amusement and affection there as well. The tone she often heard when she got excessively detailed on a point. Like he loved the neurotic parts to her personality as much as the rest of her. She was willing to bet he was being extra descriptive just for her.
"Why didn't you call me?" She asked softly. She didn't care what time it was. She would take any part of him she could get anytime, anywhere.
"Well… I uh…. I uh, I thought I'd come by and see you." It was the uncertain tone and hesitant look with her mother that uneasily alerts Spencer to the fact that there was more going on than just his desire to see her.
"Why what's going on?"
The story comes out about Melissa and Wren. Spencer's mostly surprised that her sister told such a weak lie, not that she actually lied. After all she's known Melissa her entire life. Her sister being involved in sketchy things is nothing new. But Melissa had to know that Toby would contradict her claim and she'd be caught out. If Spencer had to choose between the trustworthiness of her sister or her boyfriend, Toby will win in a landslide every time. And by the sound of things her parents share her opinion. So why the hell did Melissa go with that?
Her good mood departs with her mother as she mentally recounts the last few hours. Between Melissa's fabrications and Jason's erratic and shady behavior she now has reason to be wary around both her sister and brother. Of course. It wouldn't be a normal day in the Hastings family for at least one member to be suspicious of another.
Today it was her siblings. Tomorrow it would probably be one or both of her parents. Last week it was her. Next week might be the full family unit. Because that was how their family worked. Secrets and appearances. Winning and perfection. Things like emotion and irrational behavior were criticized. Mistakes and failure were banned.
Was it any wonder she didn't want to be Spencer Hastings.
But Spencer Hastings she still is. And she's been thrust right back into questions and lies. She's always worked to solve every investigation, every clue dangled in front of her. As long as doubt exists she's a prisoner so she'll unravel this web, because she has no interest in staying trapped.
And she'll start with the easiest. And one of the most important.
"Why did you go to London?" She doesn't want to fight. Not with him. There's been more than enough both between them and in this day in general. But she's too smart not to know that given everything there's a strong possibility of one. However much she hates the idea.
"I wanted answers for you. I figured that if I could get your sister to look me in the eye and tell me something-"
"-something truthful?" The skepticism is clear.
"Right." Toby sags with the words, as if realizing how futile his actions were.
She mentally steels herself for her next question. This will be what open's the can of worms that's been making its presence known by the second. Toby has every right not to be pleased with the news. "Do you know about…."
"Alison?" This time he's the one finishing her sentence. "Yeah." Those two words alone tell her enough. He's upset but he's reserving judgment until he knows more. He's always been willing to give people the benefit of the doubt when possible. Even after everything she's done to him, he won't immediately condemn Alison DiLaurentis until he has a better understanding of her situation. Their situation.
"I've heard some pretty weird stuff but I'd rather hear it from you." And therein lay her entire problem.
She'd lied to him before to keep him safe. She'd do anything to keep him safe because she knew there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her.
It didn't change the fact that she hated lying to Toby. He seemed to be the only honest person in Rosewood. It was one of the things she loved most about him. For once Alison had been sincerely honest when she had given her verdict on the man before her. '"When he tells you the truth you believe him."' She should be able to do the same for him.
There was also the fact that Toby knew enough about the craziness in Rosewood, about –A, about Alison and he was smart enough to doubt the whole story. He might not question her if she did tell him the 'Alison was kidnapped' fairytale but Spencer wasn't sure he'd actually believe her. Or that he wouldn't find out the truth later.
But was telling him the truth really an option. It wasn't that she didn't trust him. She trusted him more than anyone, even the girls. Spencer knew that Toby wouldn't say anything if she asked him not to. He would keep the secret to protect the girls. To protect her. He'd done it before. Multiple times. Too many times.
If she told him the truth it meant making him as guilty as the rest of them. If – when - Alison's story was exposed, when their silence was made known, there would be some sort of punishment. Toby had been punished for the offence of protecting them for far too long.
That was why she had been so insistent on Alison telling the cops the whole truth. Including The Jenna Thing. Toby had lied to protect them in the past. Suffered because of their actions. They carried out the crime but Toby was the one who paid for their sins. And Spencer was not going to let it happen again. Not while she was still breathing.
She used the time it took for Toby to shed his jacket and follow her upstairs to her room to consider her choices. Either way they're screwed.
She feels his patient stare on her back as they enter her bedroom and she turns and meets his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that make her feel safe. Those eyes that belong to the one person who seems to be able to keep her together. The one person who is all that is good in her world.
She makes her choice then and there. She chooses him. It will always be him.
Spencer crashes her lips to his and winds her arms tightly around him. She needs this. She hadn't just felt his physical absence, she'd felt his absence. Whenever Spencer felt like she was going to fall off a cliff and shatter into a million pieces against the rocks below, Toby was the only one she trusted to catch her before she fell.
She craved him more than the pills that had driven him away. She needed him more than she needed to breathe.
Spencer didn't know if Toby read how hopeless and desolate her life had been since they'd last been together or if it was that his need equaled her own ,but he kissed her with the same fierce abandon she did.
She tugs on his shirt before pulling it up, breaking the kiss just long enough to pull it over his head before meeting his mouth again. Unwilling to be apart for even the smallest amount of time. She refuses to relinquish any of him if she can help it. Not when being with him, being together, is pure bliss. He's her own personal paradise.
She lets out a soft giggle when he picks her up and carefully deposits her on the bed. It never ceased to amaze Spencer how gentle and loving he was with her, no matter what the situation.
Even with their hormones raging, even after a year together her entire being still responded to him as intensely as the first time. Like the two of them really were one spirit, one person. The longer they were together the more she fell in love with him.
What was between them was more than biology or chemistry or whatever anyone else termed it. Because when she was with him it was everything.
She can already feel all of the pain and anger in her wash away as she wraps herself around him as tightly as she can. He was healing her shattered soul, mending her fractured mind. Curing her of the evils that surrounded them.
He was what made her happy.
Her body felt like it was on fire. She could feel Toby's lips along her neck teasing her, his caress on her skin. If Spencer had her way they would never move from this spot.
There was no way she was ever letting him go again.
She tries to communicate her thoughts, her voice somewhat breathless. "Toby next time you go to London…" "Yeah?" "…you're taking me with you." She is never letting him away from her for that long or that far, ever again. She can feel him smirking against her skin.
"And we're never coming back." His smile fades and his eyes change instantly from carefree and amused to concerned and worried. He knows she means every word.
He's the only one who knows how much she wants to leave it all behind sometimes. The only one who knows that she ran off at seven only to never be missed. He knows that she views her stay at Radley as a temporary escape from her life.
He knows that it's a desire not borne from a wish for adventure or an act of rebellion or attention. But because it sometimes seems to be her only chance of life before she's drowned by the pain and sadness in her life. Her only freedom from a prison of death, fear and distrust.
He's the sole person to realize that Spencer Hastings never runs away and yet her greatest want is to do just that.
Spencer knows Toby worries about it. It's in his eyes.
He's run away before too. It's as much in his instinct as it is hers. It's why he understands it so well. But the difference is he won't allow himself to stay away. He won't leave something unfinished, won't give anyone the satisfaction of that victory on top of everything else done to him. Not without her anyway.
He fears that one day he'll find her gone and he'll never see her again.
She reaches up to reassure him of the contrary with her mouth and her body and every thought and feeling she can convey to him. Because she'll leave in a heartbeat the first chance she can. And she won't regret it. She'll leave her family and even her friends. But she won't leave him. Toby's the one thing in the world that she'll forever take with her.
Spencer had never really believed in love. She had never had a real example to believe in. But she knew that this was real. What they had was beyond special.
Spencer had never quite been able to understand how Toby was so different to what she had thought. How he could love her so unconditionally. How could she willingly trust him with every part of herself even those her friends didn't know about.
She'd never reached a conclusion and she'd never cared. She might not be able to scientifically support it but she had more faith in Toby and their love than anything else.
She can't run now. She knows that. But she will lose herself in him for the moment, because he's the only one who always finds her. Even when she can't find herself.
They lie side by side in her bed after they've made love. Her fingers are tracing his cheek and jaw when her phone rings. She's memorizing his face, the feel of his skin, the security of his touch on her chin, the solace of his smell. Even though she can already perfectly recall almost everything about him. Has done so before when she's in need of him but circumstances won't allow it, she will still do it. If there's one thing Spencer never wants to forget it's Toby.
"You want to get that." He's understanding, she sees that in his gaze but she can hear in his voice he's as disinclined as she is to end this moment.
"No." She means it with every fiber of her existence. She has zero interest in anything outside of her bed and the man in it.
Her parents will only ask questions she isn't capable of answering.
Her friends will want to discuss theories and ideas and plans. Spencer's already voiced her opinion on the entire matter and they ignored it. She's done caring. She's let her family, - A, Alison and even the other girls dictate too much of her life already.
How many times has she chosen them over her boyfriend? How much has she given up of herself? What more does she have to sacrifice?
Spencer loves her friends. She's always been indestructible and fearless for them. She's risked losing their friendship to keep them safe. She's made the most difficult calls, asked the hardest questions and kept the worst secrets. She's jumped in first and distanced herself from others the most. She would do anything for them. But they've never fully comprehended the extent to which she is slowly being destroyed by all of it.
So for once she's making a choice that benefits her. She won't let herself be dragged back in. She won't agree to suspect her family and lie to her soul mate for them. For Alison.
She refuses to get involved in the toxic quicksand that is their current situation any more than she already has.
She presses her mouth against her boyfriend's lips instead because she chooses to stay here. Mind, body, heart and soul. She wants to stay in the haven that is her bed. She wants to taste the hope for their future in his kiss. She only wants to think about the love he has for her in his eyes. She wants to hear his voice which she knows to trust because it always calms her whirlwind thoughts and relieves her chaotic emotions. She wants to feel his arms shelter her from the unforgiving world they live in and enjoy the peace and serenity that came with being so close to him she can breathe in his smell.
Toby pulls away reluctantly as her phone went off again. "Someone really wants to reach you."
Spencer sighs angry and frustrated at the unknown caller. She and Toby had suffered plenty from Alison's disappearance and A's terror. After all they had both been suspects in the blonde's 'murder' and their unknown stalker seemed to enjoy hurting Toby just to get to her.
They'd been through hell and back and through hell again several times. The last few months had been particularly hard on both of them. She didn't get nearly enough time with him as it was with work, school, friends, family and the aforementioned psycho stalker. Plus Toby had been on another continent for the last week trying to get the bottom of yet another messed-up family secret for her. All while she had been battling her Adderall addiction, wondering if she'd accidentally killed an innocent girl and nearly been killed a few times herself.
Was it too much to ask for a few hours, an afternoon together without being dragged right back into the madness surrounding them. Apparently so!
She fumed as she turned and grabbed her phone, switching it off in irritation. "Well they can wait."
She flops onto her side turning away from her boyfriend. The spell of happiness well and truly gone. Instead she has been thrown right back among the demons and ghosts that haunt her, never willing to leave her alone for a second.
As he always does Toby senses her distress. He moves closer to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Spence? What's going on?" She knows he knows something's wrong. He's always been able to see the vulnerable parts to her. No matter how hard she tries to hide them. No matter if no one else even knows they exist, he finds them.
"Nothing". Despite entrusting him, and only him, with those parts she can't bring herself to do so now. It brings her right back to the dilemma she'd faced in the kitchen. She can't bear to drag him into the darkness with her. Not when he's her sole source of light.
Toby won't be deterred though. He never has been, not when he knows she's troubled. She'd always loved and hated that trait of his. "Does it have to do with Alison?"
"No." Alison wasn't the real issue. Not at the moment anyway.
"Is this about Melissa?"
"No." Spencer had long ago accepted that she and Melissa would likely never have the sisterly bond Spencer had always secretly wished to share with her.
Spencer knew what it really was. The persistent caller had been a reminder of just why it was she wanted to flee. How could she ever be free from this nightmare when everyone around her wanted to push her straight back in?
Toby ceases his questions and instead leaves a trail of kisses along her shoulder blades and the column of her spine. Spencer immediately feels her eyes start to flutter. It's something that never fails to soothe and relax her and simultaneously set her pulse racing. Which he damn well knows!
Spencer gives in within seconds, like she always does, spinning around to meet his lips, clinging to him and pulling him down on top of her. He will find out her secrets. They will face more sorrow and heartache. She wants out of this life but she will always want him.
Spencer wants to run away from everyone in her life but he's the one person she always has and will run to.
So feel free to tell me what you think either on the story or the show in general.