Not Backward, Shall The First Step Be
By Ioanna Malfoy
Soft footsteps echo in empty corridors breeching the silence of the early Saturday morning. Only a few days into the school year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A 17-year-old girl emerges into view. Strands of russet hair tumble from a loose bun, sleep-silted eyes intently trained on a book cradled in her arms, as she absentmindedly navigates her way to breakfast. Well-liked by her professors, Lily Evans loves learning almost as much as she loves books. Books never leave. Books are always there offering escape into fantastic lands. Lily is alone in the crowd, hordes of 'friends' surround her more often than she prefers, but none truly know her.
Prior to attending Hogwarts, Lily was bullied and teased by her resentful sister, Petunia, and her primary school classmates. For many years, her only friend was Severus Snape. The one boy who wasn't driven away by Petunia's bullying. Lily was ecstatic when she and Severus received invitations to attend Hogwarts. This only served to deepen Petunia's bitter jealousy who was refused a spot at the magical school. Lily loves her sister, but Petunia's deep-rooted jealousy destroyed any hope of reconciliation.
Eleven-year-old Lily had hoped Hogwarts would provide a healthy culture. A community aimed to learn and discover fascinating, new things together, in a positive, supportive environment. Lily's first encounter with her new schoolmates dashed her hopes. That first time on the Hogwarts Express, she entered the train and found a compartment with a group of boys her own age. She asked to sit with them and they exchanged introductions. The first boy, a gray-eyed, guarded-looking fellow introduced himself as Sirius Black; tight-lipped, he shared little about himself. The second boy, James Potter, chatted freely, arrogantly bragging about the expensive things his parents bought him. Remus Lupin, the quietest of the three, returned to reading his book after their short introductions.
Some time later, Severus found them, "May I join?" he had asked.
Without hesitation, Lily replied enthusiastically, "Of course!" and began excitedly introducing Severus to her new friends.
Sirius's face set hard and he rudely interrupted, "No," an awkward silence followed before he spoke up again, "I don't know you, but I get a bad gut feeling about you. I don't want anything to do with you," he said, looking pointedly at the boy.
"Lily, you can choose us or you can choose him, but I can tell– he is bad news," Sirius said turning to her. Lily's eyes flashed, Sirius Black had insulted her best friend–somebody he hadn't even met before and knew nothing about. Lily was painfully reminded of the bullies at her primary school. Black didn't even give Sev a chance–hadn't even heard him speak. Black tried to turn her against Sev, unaware of their pre-existing friendship, in the same way their primary school bullies systematically turned each of her other friends against her.
She would not let him.
As the years went by, a bitter rivalry developed between herself, Black, and Potter. She hated their habitual bullying and they hated her goody-two-shoes attitude. Lily chose Severus Snape over them, and she stood up for Sev even when he began befriending some shady Slytherins and gradually drifted into their gang. Lily drifts back into memories from fifth year when Black and Potter's taunting finally made Severus snap.
Black and Potter surrounded Severus, cornering him, taunting the weaker teen. Remus watched on from behind, not joining in, but never stopping his friends either.
"Come on you little snake, need your girlfriend to come save you? What do you think Padfoot, should we teach him a lesson?" Potter taunted.
"STOP," came a far off yell from behind them, as Lily raced to save her friend. She skidded to a halt, panting and out of breath, "What's he done to you?".
"Evans, my dear, the problem is more that he exists than anything else…" Black responded, appearing thoughtful. The crowd, now surrounding them, snickered.
"You think you're clever, or funny but you're not. You're just foul, loathsome, arrogant, bullying toerags." She sneered, pure hatred in her eyes.
"I might stop if you go out with me Evans," Potter said. Laughing, Black and Potter turned back to Severus and continued to advance, backing him into a corner.
"STOP. JUST STOP." Lily screamed, her anger bursting forth like a Noachian deluge.
Severus cut her off, "I don't need help from a filthy, Mudblood, like you! Leave me alone." His words were harsh, and made Lily recoil in shock. Snape was embarrassed that he needed her protection. In his embarrassment and anger, he turned on her rather than Black and Potter, who were the real cause for his anger and embarrassment. Deep down, Snape wanted to feel strong and capable, he desperately tried to explain this to her. He tried to apologize, but this was the last straw for Lily. Lily was already disappointed at his involvement with the darker Slytherins, but this was too much. She refused his distressed pleas.
Recomposing herself as best she could, ignoring the stab of pain in her chest and the tightening of her throat, she responded, "I won't bother in future, Snape" she emphasized the use of his last name "and you can kiss goodbye to our friendship."
It's been nearly two years since the friendship was broken. Snape pleaded with her for more than a year, pursuing their friendship. Snape, bitter and indignant at her rejection; had apologized. What more could she want? How could Lily expect him to abandon the friends who had taken him under their wing? Lily watched wistfully, wanting to forgive, but she knew that unless Snape changed, nothing would improve. She refused to reconcile by ignoring his faults, she drew the line and wouldn't let herself forgive him until he gave up his Death Eater friends.
Lily had other friends, but none truly understood her or could comfort her like. Nobody could offer support to Lily through difficulties, console her after receiving nasty letters from Petunia or listen to her ranting about Potter and Black. At the beginning of her seventh year, Lily had no support system ready to help her pick up the pieces when her life unexpectedly shattered around her on that early Saturday morning in September.
Lily's delicate footsteps echoed quietly as she walked. She absent-mindedly grabbed her mail from the Owlery on her way to a breakfast of eggs and toast. Dropping her fork, Lily finally set down her book and looked at her mail. Her eyes unfocused for a minute as she basked in the warm, gentle sunlight. The Great Hall was nearly empty at 7 am and the quiet was a relaxing change. Eyes refocusing on the letter before her, Lily sighed and braced herself as she saw it addressed from her now-married-sister. Petunia's scathing letters were uncommon now. Apparently, gossiping about her neighbors was equally entertaining as insulting her "stuck-up, lunatic sister." Lily was surprised to find only a single, small slip of paper, the note carelessly scribbled on.
Freak,
It is my obligation to tell you- you killed our parents. They died in a car crash driving home from dropping you off at the train station for your nutjob school. They would be alive if you were normal. Don't come home at Christmas, I never want to see you again. Don't come to the funeral.
Petunia.
The room's temperature seemed to drop ten degrees. Shock froze Lily's body, the paper trembled in her hands. The cheery sunlight seemed to mock her when moments ago she had found comfort in its warmth. Snape, one of the few people awake, noticed Lily's reaction. He grasped at a chance to make her feel as rejected as she begat in him. He thought, if she understood the feeling, she might forgive him.
"Is Lily upset because her sister doesn't like her?" Snape mocked in a baby voice before his voice was overtaken by sharp, cold annoyance. "Honestly Evans, grow up already."
Her chair screeched against the floor, Lily turned without responding, and walked briskly out, attempting to maintain composure despite the urge to flee. Lily retreated, her head down and Snape snickering behind her. She brushed past somebody, who was entering the Great Hall, knocking their shoulder. She couldn't be bothered to look up or even apologize to the person she bumped into. Had she looked up, she would have that the person was one of her least favorite people at Hogwarts, Black.
Smirking to himself, Black saw Lily's hunched, retreating figure and Snape's vindictive grin. Remembering the prediction he made about Snape on their first train-ride; Black noticed his opportunity to prove its truth to Lily. Lily had shunned his offer of friendship so long ago in favor of this heartless boy who now stood leering at her hunched back. Leaving his breakfast for later, Black jogged after Lily, finally catching up when she stopped in a small corridor.
"So I guess I was right about Snape; looks like in the end you should have chosen us?" Black mocked raising an eyebrow, clearly pleased with himself. He mocked her refusal of his friendship which started more six years prior, with disdain.
"Shut up," she howled through a choked sob.
Her anger released the unwilling tears, allowing them to stubbornly flow in spite of her best efforts to hold them back. Cold eyes narrowed as she hissed, "You don't understand. You're a self-centered, spoiled, bully who can't stop for one second to consider how other people feel. You stand there proudly while you torment and humiliate people who you don't even know." She paused for a deep breath. Her quavering voice grew stronger, sharper, and angrier.
"Do you understand what it's like to be hated by your only living family? Do realize what it's like to lose the only friend who ever truly understood you? To lose him because he was driven away by bullies? You did that," she accused. The pure fury in her eyes, the rage and hurt that oozed out of her was enough for Black to feel his resolve falter.
She continued, "If you took one look around you, you would realize, not everybody's life is perfect like yours." Lily would have kept going if Black hadn't cut her off, his arrogance was replaced with bone-chilling bitterness that seemed to suck the warmth from the room.
"Spoiled? Perfect life?" he gave an acrid laugh, eyes flashing. "You act as if you're defending the world from my torment, as if I'm the epitome of injustice. You claim that I judge people before I know them. Yet you judge me." It felt good to defend himself after so long.
"I know what it feels like to be hated by my family better than you could ever imagine. My parents take pleasure in causing me as much pain as possible without killing. They cursed me until the edge of insanity, or death, whichever came first. Then they healed me, just enough to keep me ready for the next round. Sometimes when they felt like curses weren't slow enough, they resorted to Muggle means–the belt, dagger and razor were some favorites but they weren't above burns and starvation. I was 14 when James first discovered the cuts and bruises. James put the pieces together, and the Potters offered me a place in their home, and I haven't had to return to my family since. You have the nerve to call me spoiled?" he spat each syllable.
Sirius's voice softened, "When I first met you, I hardly spoke because I was concealing panic. I worried people might see through my act, notice my secret. I was pretending that the school robes didn't itch at scabs, sting against open wounds and that the shirt's collar didn't feel like my father's hands closing around my neck. But it did, it itched and it stung and I felt like my windpipe was slowly being closed off," he sighed. "I spent my childhood learning to identify the cruel from the trustworthy because I had to. My life, quite literally, depended on my ability to assess potential danger. When I met you on the train, I could tell you were kind and loyal to those you cared for. When Snape stepped in, I felt danger seeping in through cracks, prying its way into the compartment. It reeked of suppressed anger and vindictiveness. I didn't want you or anybody else in his path of destruction. I was only trying to help you."
Lily was still quite upset but fury no longer exuded from every pore, like sweat. "But you didn't even know him," she almost pleaded. She was grasping at the receding tendrils of her hate. She desperately clung to the hate which had consumed her judgment of Sirius and his friends since she could remember. One of the last pieces of normality in her rapidly changing life and it was slipping away, "You were judging him for something he hadn't even done, and you couldn't have known he ever would do. Snape was my first friend to not abandon me. He's the only person who stuck by my side despite retaliation from bullies."
Sirius looked down, a little ashamed, "It's been hardwired into me to stay safe at any cost. In my life at home, my childhood taught me it was better to hurt people than to be hurt. I'm not saying it's right but it's my survival instinct," he said softly, his voice thick and croaky.
"I don't want to be like this anymore." He suddenly choked out. He dropped his face into his hands, and his shoulders gave a single heaving shudder. Lily's compassionate heart went out to the classmate she hated for so many years. She suddenly found herself hugging Sirius, attempting to comfort the boy who she could no longer bring herself to hate. They found a familial comfort together, in the silence, as they embraced on that early Saturday morning.
A bitter laugh sounded behind them, breaking the sibling-like embrace. They turned to find Snape sneering at them, his eyes thinly concealing hurt. Sirius put a protective, brotherly arm around Lily's shoulder.
"How traitorous of you two. Lily, betraying everything you used to stand for and befriending a bully? And Black, I bet Potter would love to know about this, wouldn't he?" he said is a cloying voice, referring to James Potter's widely-known crush on Lily.
"I'd like to know what?" James Potter asked curiously as he emerged suddenly around the corner, his hair still ruffled from sleep.
Before Lily or Sirius could reply, Snape cut in, "Looks like your so-called-friend went behind your back and has found himself a girlfriend. I guess he won over your long-time crush where you failed to. One can only imagine how long this has been going on for," he expressed faux concern.
Snape turned and walked away leaving James gaping like a fish. James's expression quickly morphed into anger and before either Lily or Sirius knew what was happening, he was yelling. "We made a pact and you broke it; for a girl no less, even if it is Lily. You betrayed me and you betrayed our friendship. Don't speak to me again. Stay with your little girlfriend over holidays from now on. I don't want you to be near me, much less living with me." James called, stalking away without even waiting for his best friend's explanation.
Looking up at Sirius, she said, "It looks like we both have to find somewhere to stay for winter break. I just got a letter from my sister saying my parents are dead and she doesn't ever want to see me again."
James and Remus refused to speak with Sirius or Lily and the school was being repair over Christmas break and was closed to students during that time. Lily and Sirius needed to find somewhere to stay. At a loss for what to do, they set to work trying to earn enough money to pay for food and shelter. Sirius secured a job writing articles for The Quibbler and Lily began tutoring students. Lily and Sirius clung to each other for support. They still fought. Seven years of hatred and animosity is impossible to reverse in the span of one morning, but things were different now.
It wasn't as simple as giving up and hating each other anymore, being codependent on each other, they had to work through their problems, often resulting in fights. It took time, to learn how to calm down and hear the full story before yelling. Unlike before, Lily and Sirius needed each other for support and so now, they couldn't give up without listening to each other.
By early November, Lily and Sirius were frantically attempting to sort out their accommodations for winter break.
"Sirius, we're not going to have enough money. We're nearly 50 Galleons short of what we need to pay for everything and the only thing I can think of cutting from our budget is the Knight Bus which still won't even make up the difference." Lily said one evening, looking up at the brother she never had, from the budgeting spreadsheet she was pouring over in the Gryffindor common room.
"But Lily, it's nearly 15 km, with luggage, in the middle of winter. It'll take us hours to walk there," Sirius replied with deep concern.
An onlooker might notice James in the background, turning away from the conversation he was listening to. But neither Sirius nor Lily saw James or the look of confusion in his eyes, broadcasting the pain and betrayal he felt. James felt conflicted and bewildered by the conversation. 'Why weren't they going to stay with Lily's family? Surely her family would be willing to take in Sirius rather than sending him back to his horrible family. Had Sirius even told her about his family? No, he must have because James told Sirius to stay with Lily instead of him, Lily would have had questions' James thought to himself silently.
"Sirius, I don't see any other choice," she paused "unless you can get James to see reason. He doesn't seem to understand we're not dating. That would be weird, we're like siblings."
"The Daily Prophet offered to run one of my articles and that should bring in a bit more than the Quibbler usually does. James is a good person but he's a bit emotionally volatile. He won't listen to reason until he wants to. Do I even want to forgive him? He trusted Snape's word over mine, I am-" he quickly corrected himself. "I was his best friend." Sirius said a little bitterly. Even James could tell the anger was a facade, crafted to cover the hurt. James turned away, not wanting to listen anymore, but as he walked away he caught Lily's response.
"He's a friend who cares. As Marcus Aurelius says, 'Anger cannot be dishonest.' He was angry because he felt hurt by what he thought you had done. He would not have yelled at anybody else hugging me, nor at anybody else for hugging you. He feels hurt because he cares about you and trusts you…"
James was enjoying coffee and porridge for breakfast one cold, late November morning in Hogwarts' breakfast hall. It felt like forever since that September morning which seemed to be the source of all his problems. It wasn't of course, but James couldn't see that. When he picked up the Daily Prophet, he was surprised at the headline "Why 'Light' and 'Dark' Families Talk Past Each Other by Sirius Black." Interest piqued, James decided to read his traitorous friend's article. James expected a good laugh out of the article.
"The age old quote, "hurt people hurt people," rings true even when discussing complex historical and political issues and crises. The pattern goes on and on, nobody willing to be the first to break the cycle despite the damage and pain it causes. We face these simple cycles in our everyday lives, but they also survive on larger fields of battle. These cycles of hurt are passed generationally and culturally; over time they become ever more difficult to escape.
The Wizarding World had experienced one of the largest massacres of human history- the witch hunting. A systematic annihilation of magical people. The "Light" think it's unfair and prejudiced to discriminate based on blood purity. The "Dark" worry, the more closely you are related to a muggle, the more close you are to danger and to exposing the Wizarding World. The New York Ghost wrote:
"In the end, one doesn't have to accept the Dark narrative of the conflict to recognize that the Light's actions capitalise upon the Dark's fears and thus violence; just as one doesn't have to accept the Light narrative and in order to recognize that Dark terrorism contributes directly to heavy-handed Light responses and the rejection of a workable two-state solution. But for both sides such acknowledgment is simply a bridge too far. Decades upon decades of violence have led to a climate of mistrust and outright hatred. It has led both sides to become so convinced of the rightness of their cause that they are simply incapable of seeing the conflict – and the consequences of their own actions — through the eyes of the other."
They are incapable of seeing the consequences and pain their own actions cause because they are so wrapped up in their justifications and finger pointing. Neither side is innocent and they are both refusing to acknowledge their own negative actions until the other does. And the cycle goes on. Dark hurts Light because Light previously hurt Dark, so in retaliation, Light hurts Dark and the cycle repeats. It's an endless downward spiral of retaliation, which can only be broken by compassion, communication, listening to each other, and acknowledging one's own fault. As Yehuda Berg has said "Hurt people hurt people. That's how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with passion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future." We must think before we speak, take responsibility for our own actions, listen to and empathize with one another. Even if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, we must attempt to understand why they did what they did. We ourselves may not be faultless. Hear the full story before you cast blame.
It's hard to accept responsibility, to acknowledge our faults, but you will never come out worse on the other side for trying. Be brave–listen, acknowledge, and empathize first–even when it's hard and even when you're right. As Marcus Aurelius says "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears. … The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury." Take the first step towards reconciliation.
James read the article three more times, each time the words seemed to echo louder and louder in his head, convicting him. James stood. Through the crowd of angsty teenagers and preteens his eyes sought Sirius Black and Lily Evans. He didn't know if he was right or wrong about Sirius and Lily. Just before he turned to retreat, he saw his old friend and long-time crush. Sirius's eyes were glazed and ready to sag out, he gave a dazed nod as Lily spoke to him. She too wore weary eyes framed by dark bags and heavy lids, dull red hair framed her unnaturally aged face. Lily cast a worried glance at Sirius which clinched James's resolved. He took the first step-be brave,-second, third, fourth-listen, acknowledge, empathize. With each step he took towards reconciliation, the scrannel words echoed louder, thrumming through his mind, syncing with each footfall. Not backward, shall the first step be. At the very least, he could understand and forgive;
The End