I can't think about love right now. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I mean, this Getbackers thing is an all-day-all-night kind of enterprise. And you're always with me. So I don't know why people look at me, and tell me that I'm lonely.
I wish that I could have the chance to be lonely, but I don't think that'll happen. You're always by my side, Ginji - I know I already said that, but it means something to me. I'm never alone because of that. And even if I was 'lonely' for someone to love, I don't know if I would want to go try and pick up girls again with you. Alright, I know we never turn out good results with that method, do we? But there are other more productive ways to look for girlfriends... I know... Still, I don't want to. It's too much effort. It's sort of tough being targeted half the time, and then we're targeting as getbackers the other half of the time, so really we only have one chunk of time for each other. The way I see it, we don't even have enough time to eat between being paid and being broke and being broken by someone else.
Still, I wonder about lonelines and being "cold". Sometimes a couple will walk into the Honky Tonk and I, don't know, I get irritated. I look at them holding hands, their eyes are dancing with light. And maybe it's jealousy and maybe it's something I ate, but you look at me and... Well, I know that you feel it too. I can tell by how stiff you get, and sometimes the static electricity that pops when you shift uncomfortably on a piece of furniture. I see you stiffen when Shido and Madoka are together and kind of ignoring us even though we've come to their place, to visit. Or when Juubei and Kuzuki are sending each other those looks.
It's not fair that they can find happiness while we barely have time to breathe.
Sometimes love seems important, though. After a long day, when we're staying in the ladybug or a hotel or whatever we've managed for the night, you always fall asleep first. I look at you sleeping, your blond hair crowning your face, and wonder what it would be like to have a lover, and not a partner, by my side. I don't think about that for very long. It's hard to breathe when I think about someone else on that pillow, breathing softly next to me. You're the only one I really share everything with. If I fell in love... Would that other person even have an idea of who I am, be able to love me, without knowing what I do everyday? What we do? Would that person be jealous of you, knowing that you and I will spend more time together "working" than I could ever spend with them? I don't know if anyone could be close to me - close like a lover - without being part of get backers. Not like HEVN or Akabane, but a real part. And adding someone else...? That just wouldn't feel right, Ginji. It just wouldn't work.
It wouldn't work for either of us. At this point in our lives, there's no time for us to commit to anyone else. Even if we're lonely, we still have each other. That will always be enough.
...As long as we don't think about love.
I love you.
I loved you the moment I saw you from my barstool, where I sat there staring at the foam erupting from the dark green cushion. I was thinking about death, of ending everything. Yet in one moment, life became bright. It was incredible. I realized that I still had a life that could be brightened. You gave me meaning, Ban-chan. You let me touch a part of you that no one else has ever seen. You have an amazing smile. You make me want to smile. Your eyes don't pain me, ever. Unlike everyone else, ever, your eyes take my nightmares away. Because for some reason, I matter to you.
I wish I mattered like I want to matter.
I wish I wasn't so dependent on you. I wish I didn't need you to touch me all the time; clap me on the shoulder or noogie me or, well, any of it -- all of it. Because I know that sometimes I give away too much, and someday you're really going to see past my "lovestruck" faces at girls and realize that my real infatuation is all for you. Someday I worry that you'll realize that I shock you because I am literally tingling from needing your touch. I wish I wasn't like that, but you don't mind, and you tell me not to apologize so much. I wish I wasn't so selfish. I wish we didn't spend so much time muddling in our thoughts, because, well, we have too many painful memories to muddle in by accident.
On nights like this, when I feel you watching me and withdrawing into your distant thoughts, I know I'm being stupid and naive. I try to convince myself that you, and me, is never going to happen. You don't seem interested in love, much less do you seem interested in me. You say it's because you don't want someone getting inbetween us. Why can't we get inbetween?
You got inbetween me and Raitei's whispers. You can do anything, Ban, I know it.
You can love me. Ban-chan...
Please, please think about us in love.
owari.