Spoilers: Through BtVS Ep7.04 "Help"
Summary: Buffy's thoughts on her role as a slayer and a person
I've done a lot of reading since I crawled out of that hole with Dawn. Some of it, to learn more about what I'm supposed to be doing to raise Dawn. Some of it, to help me deal better with the students.
Mostly, I'm trying to be a better Buffy.
I read philosophy, self-help, autobiography. Parenting books. Like mom used to do. Nobody remembers me as book girl, but I did get a 1430 on my SAT's. Slaying just took a lot out of me. With the new meditation techniques I learned from Giles, I can still function on less sleep, and I find that the reading is helping me out.
Like "I Am Third" - which was one of Principal Wood's suggestions. It's the autobiography of Gayle Sayers, a football player. He writes about how his love of God, and his family come before his own personal needs and wants. It's the same in my life.
The fate of the world, my slaying, the good fight: that comes first. It has to - If I put Angel first, we'd all be simmering in hell right now.
My friends and family - those things come second. Willow needs me to help her recovery. That means I have to make time for her, even when I'm cranky and sore from patrol.
Actually, I'm probably not even third. But that's beside the point.
I'm back in school, back on the Hellmouth, to look after the students and Dawn. Not just in a slayery or sisterly capacity, although I've done both. I'm supposed to counsel them. Impart some wisdom. Listen. Help. Do something; say something, anything to make it better.
When I saw Cassie die, despite everything I tried, it made me doubt myself for a moment. No matter how much power you have, either as the slayer or as a school administrator, you can't always win. And I hate losing. Especially, because when I lose people might die.
Gayle Sayers lost too. It's part of the game, and it's part of life. His best friend died of cancer and all he could do was offer comfort and prayer. Sometimes that's all that matters.
I should have told Cassie about my own death. The first one, anyway. Not the whole prophecy thing, but the gist. My death was foretold. I saw all the things that I would miss out on - the Spring Fling, growing up with the gang, falling in love with Angel. I went anyway.
Because I don't come first.
I died like the prophecy said. But my friends brought me back. Because we tried to fight it.
That's what matters. The mark of a real hero. Knowing that you can't always win. Knowing that, in all probability, you'll lose something truly significant. But fighting anyway, because your obligations are more important than your fears or wants.
That's the real reason slayers are usually taught to work alone.
Because duty comes first. Friends, lovers, and even family ask you to conform. I'm the slayer. I can't always do that. I can't just follow orders. I can't just do what I'm told.
Duty first. How do I explain that to my partner? Scott dumped me because responsibilities that I couldn't explain took me away from him. Riley left because he felt that he couldn't keep up with me, and that I ignored him in favor of more important slaying related things. Angel left me because he didn't want me to choose between my duty and my love for him. Choosing duty would hurt his feelings. Choosing love might cost the world.
Even though it still hurts, I can't fault Angel for that anymore.
That's why Xander's the best. He's found a way to be in my life and to help me out, but he tries not to make me to choose between friendship and duty. Even though he doesn't always get it right, he knows the score. It's a good thing we never dated - that would have ruined everything. If I Spike understood that, it'd be so much better.
As long as he's going to hang around Sunnydale, duty requires me to go to him for support. I just hope he doesn't make me choose, because I'll have to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
But I am third.
If I have to die, I'll do it.
If I have to kill my lover, I'll do it.
If I have to form an alliance with my hated enemy, I'll do it.
If I have to turn away my most visible means of support, I'll do it.
If I have to break the rules, I'll do it.
If I have to send Mom out of town on graduation day, I'll do it.
If I have to destroy a friend's career, I'll do it.
If I have to hurt the horsies, I'll do it.
If I have to keep secrets, I'll do it.
If I have to use someone and hurt their feelings, I'll do it.
If I
have to degrade myself, I'll do it.
If I have to kill myself of someone else, I'll do it.
Even if I hate myself for it.
Even if I can't explain it.
Even if no one understands me.
But only if I have to.
Winning and losing matter, but not in the traditional sense. What matters is playing the game in a way that is conducive to winning. The scorecard says I lost, because Cassie died, but Dawnie was right to say I didn't. Cassie knew she would die. On some level, I must have known too. But I didn't let that stop me from fighting as hard as I could to make her live and make her believe in life.
That's what matters. If I don't fight that hard all of the time, sooner or later I'm gonna really lose. And that might cost us all the world.
It's ironic. I have this power in my relationships, yet people leave me all the time even when I want them to stay. I have all this strength, yet I often feel so helpless. If I screw up, the sun might not rise.
Funny how such morbid ideas, and such a burden of obligation, can be so empowering. Someone or something trusted me with this burden, because it believed I could handle it. And I think I have handled it well; better than Kendra and certainly better than Faith.
I may be third. But I matter. I make a difference. I watch the kids at school, knowing they're safer with me around. I counsel students, and some of them seem better off after talking to me. So I won't give up. And I won't complain. I'll fight with weapons; I'll fight with words. I'll become a better leader, and this time they won't feel like they need me when I'm gone.
I have to help. I do that.