I was never Mello's friend.
Heck, I barely knew the guy. I've seen him around, and i've heard of him, I even helped him on the Kira case! And even after all of that, all the pain he put me through. I still don't know him.
I never knew him.
I wanted to know him.
I wanted him to know me.
I wanted to be his friend.
I wanted to be his best friend.
I wanted to be his lover...
Yes. Ok yeah whatever. I had a little crush on Mello...ok make that a big crush. Whatever, yeah, big deal. I was childish okay. I was childish. I was head over heels for this guy. Whatever. Who cares? I guess I care. Yeah. Whatever. I care. Ok? I still care. I'm still childish.
But Mello was so mad at the that he spent his time studying and trying to beat Near-which of course, never happened-that he barely noticed anyone.
I was behind Mello. I was number three so of course he wouldn't talk to me.
I was behind him, probably thought i was worthless.
I was number three. Mello was number two. And Near was number one.
Number two wanted to be number one, number one didn't give a flying fuck. And number three was left alone.
Alone. Why am I always alone? It would be nice just to not be alone. But it's too late for that now.
What is it like to have someone?
What is it like mom? Dad?
What is it like to have someone?
...
Why won't you answer?
Is it because I don't deserve happiness?
Is it because I'm in love with a man?
...
It is isn't it?
...
Well?
Why don't you ever answer me?
Do you really hate me that much?
You do don't you?
Why?
Why is it that?
Was it because I was never the child you wanted me to be?
Why don't you answer?!
...
All those questions. All those question. I crave for the answers every day. Every single god damn day.
I need to stop this. I need to fucking stop this! I need to stop asking myself pointless questions! Just stop Matt! Just stop.
But why?
Why should I stop?
...
I don't know.
I just...I don't know.
I don't fucking know ok?!
I don't know.
Don't stop then Matt. Ask yourself stupid questions. Bring yourself down. Crumble. Break. Crash. Burn.
Maybe I will.
Good.
...
I was never Mello's friend.
I was never his best friend.
I was never his lover.
I'm number three.
I'm the gamer.
I'm the slacker.
I'm the matt that i let Mello walk all over on.
I was happy.
I let him.
He noticed me.
He talked to me.
He made physical contact with me.
He hit me.
He slapped me.
He threatened me.
I didn't mind.
I was happy.
Why was I happy? Why did I let him hurt me? Why do I still love him? Does he love me? Did he ever love me? Will he ever? Is it too late? Why do I bother? He will never love me.
Why?
Am I not good enough for you?
Why?
Come on. You have to answer me that. I died for you. I fucking died for you! You wanted me to die? Didn't you? You never cared? Did you? Why is that? Answer me bastard. Why?
...
Fuck you I don't have to waste my fucking time with you.
He hit me.
[i walked away]
He slapped me.
[i cried behind my goggles, he never seen]
He threatened me.
[i fell to the ground]
I didn't mind.
[i broke]
I was happy.
[goodbye]
-Mail Jeevas, I will always love you Mello.