You are loved

Miss Quill had lied. Saving Charlie from the prison hadn't been her last favour. No, after noticing the way she held herself, the satisfied smirk on her face, and the way the displacement gun glowed blue in her hand, both Matteusz and Charlie knew — her last favour had been letting them go without putting up a fight. Now that she was free of the Ahn, she could do whatever she wanted, including killing the Prince of Rhodia, who had kept her enslaved for so long. Instead, she let them go. She'd promised she would come back — and they both believed her — but she was giving them a break. And a break, however short, was something they definitely needed, especially after that peculiar detention.

Neither of the boys spoke as they walked home. Earlier, they had both agreed they needed to talk, but those topics couldn't be addressed in the middle of the street. Perhaps they shouldn't be addressed so soon. Perhaps they needed time to calm down, and think things through. They had heard enough truth for one day, did they really need more?

Some things just need to be said.

They remained quiet even after having arrived at their house — which seemed empty now that Quill was gone — and rather distant. Too much had happened in the last hour — they still had too much to process, too much to accept, and too much to prepare for. In the end it was Matteusz who broke the tense silence that had settled between them.

"Charlie?"

The boy in question held a mug with recently made tea, and looked thoughtful, distant. Matteusz couldn't blame him, really. Everything he thought he knew had been turned upside down in the last hour, and the one last thing that was still normal for him had now changed. The blond didn't seem to have heard him, so Matteusz repeated his question.

"Hm?" Charlie snapped out of his thoughts, and looked over at him, looking lost and out of place, even more than when he'd been about to use the Cabinet of Souls, about to doom all his people, and take away from them all chance of returning one day. With a sigh, Matteusz picked up his own steaming mug, and moved from where he was, leaning against a kitchen counter. He sat down at the table, where Charlie was sitting, and he set his mug down. The blond seemed to understand, and looked back at his own, nodding slightly. "I guess it's time to talk."

It was, but none of them knew where to start. There was a lot to talk about, too many things that had to be said, that had to be explained. But where did they have to start exactly? Was there any topic that had already been resolved in the past hour, or did they have to go through everything, through something akin to a list of issues, of unfinished business?

Matteusz figured he would start with the one thing that had started it all, the very first confession. If only he could find the words for it. It was hard enough finding them in his native Polish, but doing so in English? It made things harder than they already were. But before he was able to say anything at all, Charlie spoke up, following a similar line of thought, "You're right to be afraid of me."

"Charlie—"

"I just killed someone."

Yes, it was true, and Matteusz's morality was giving him a hard time considering his boyfriend had just murdered someone, but many aspects had to be considered. For starters, all their lives were at risk. If Charlie hadn't killed the prisoner, they most likely would've ended up killing each other inside that room — and Charlie was right, he would be the last one standing. Did that thought terrify him? Of course it did, but for far more reasons than the obvious one, the one everyone would think of having heard his confession. The thing that terrified him most in that scenario was a tie between dying, killing someone with his own hands, and Charlie being all alone, trapped in a small room outside of time and space for eternity.

"You saved us all," Matteusz replied, watching the blond stare stubbornly at the tea in his mug.

"Still—"

"Charlie, I told you, I am not afraid of you." That didn't seem to reassure the prince, but at least he looked up from his tea, and into Matteusz's eyes, even for a short moment.

"You should be. Especially after what I said today... and after what I did." It didn't make sense, after all. Matteusz had a very strong, firm set of morals and Charlie couldn't understand how, after what he had said and done, his boyfriend wasn't afraid of him. He didn't seem to hate him either. The prison itself had judged Charlie guilty, more than the rest of them, and he was, wasn't he? What kind of person wanted to commit genocide, regardless of the reasons? And yet, Matteusz was still there, beside him, and wanted to work things out. It was yet another uncertain thing in his life, and the blond wasn't sure he would be able to cope with all of them.

At the same time, Matteusz was coming to a realisation of his own — that maybe he wasn't the only one with very firm morals. Charlie's seemed to be eating him up inside, for everything, and what was it that he had said before? For a Rhodian, a wish was the same thing as an action? If so, and Charlie wished to destroy the Shadow Kin every single day, he must've beaten himself up about it too. Every single day.

Matteusz had been sure he'd never do it if he were put in Charlie's position — he would never avenge a genocide with genocide — but he was just starting to realise how inaccurate that statement was. He didn't know what would happen if he were put in Charlie's position. He didn't know what would happen, because he didn't feel the same emotions, the same anger and hatred that Charlie felt towards the Shadow Kin. It's easy as an outsider to pass a moral judgement and to claim they'd adhere to it, but surely it can't be that easy once it happens to you — once you feel all that anger, that hatred, and that grief. Maybe Matteusz wouldn't do it — wouldn't avenge genocide with genocide — but wouldn't he consider it at least once?

"Anyone in your position would feel that way. The important thing is that you do not do it, you do not murder the Shadow Kin even though you can."

Charlie looked back at his mug. "For a Rhodian, a wish is the same as an action," he repeated his earlier words.

"Not in this case," Matteusz reminded him. For the first time since the tea was served, the blond brought the mug to his lips and drank from it. The lukewarm liquid was soothing, just what he needed after it all, especially his first panic attack. Just thinking about it made Charlie's heart beat twice as fast, and he drank a little more tea, and tried to keep it out of his mind.

There was nothing he could say to Matteusz, nothing he could reply, yet he still struggled with that fact. He didn't know how to word it, it was so instinctive for a Rhodian it was hard to describe, even harder than feelings. So instead, he gave a short nod, and changed the subject. "I still killed someone."

"It was the only way out. If you hadn't done it, we would have killed each other first," Matteusz reminded him. "You saved us, Charlie."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," the blond replied. Not even tea did, despite what people on Earth — or in London, at any rate — said about it.

His words both worried and relieved Matteusz. On the one hand, it worried him to see Charlie that way, so pained, lost and with guilt all over his face. It wasn't the first time he'd seen this expression on the Rhodian prince's face, and yet it still broke his heart. On the other hand, it relieved him because it made any fear of Charlie seem unimportant. The blond might've been an alien but he was still so human, in a way. If one death — one murder — could make him feel that way, then how would committing genocide make him feel? Charlie was right, he'd lose himself. The pain, the guilt would be too strong to bear. He would be lost.

Matteusz would never stand by Charlie and watch him avenge genocide with genocide, that was for sure. He loved him, with all his heart, yet he couldn't condone that. But this? Well, this he could do something about. The blond had saved them, after all. Charlie was lost, and Matteusz needed to find him. The Pole moved his chair so that he was sitting next to the Rhodian, and he wrapped his arms around him.

Charlie tensed at first, the sudden familiar panic creeping in, along with his claustrophobia. But he soon relaxed — he wasn't trapped, he could leave whenever he wanted, and this was Matteusz offering him some badly needed comfort.

They didn't talk after that, both lost in their own thoughts, slowly starting to understand and accept everything that had happened that day, everything that had been said and implied. The tea slowly cooled, and by the time Charlie spoke up again, it was far too cold to be drunk.

"I think… I want to go for a walk." He had been stuck inside a small space for too long. Even if he wasn't in a small space or trapped anymore, he still felt like he needed some air. A walk wouldn't hurt.

"Okay." Matteusz kissed the top of his head. "Do you want me to come?"

Charlie didn't stop to think about it, and answered, "Yes, please." Despite all the things they had said to each other that day, Charlie still felt better when Matteusz was around, he felt safer.

Matteusz let go of him, and the blond couldn't stop the shiver that went through him at the sudden loss of warmth. The other boy picked up the two mugs — which had remained mostly untouched — and started heading towards the kitchen to leave them there. Charlie figured he should get his coat, and stood up, about to leave the room, when Matteusz turned around and added, "Oh, and… Charlie?" The blond turned around to face his boyfriend, unsure of what he was going to say. "I love you."

The day had brought several drastic changes, and many things that had been certain to Charlie weren't anymore. Matteusz was afraid of him, Tanya didn't really consider them her friends, Ram seemed to hate him, and Quill didn't have the Ahn in her head anymore. Yet one thing had not changed. One thing had remained constant throughout the entire day, and would probably continue to be that way: Matteusz loved him.

For the first time since the dreadful hour of detention, and its tense and worrying aftermath, a small smile formed on Charlie's face.