Disclaimer: Not mine, just having a little fun with them. Pretty Please, don't sue!
WARNING: Character death, although not Harm or Mac (as if I'd do that to either of them…or you!!)
Mucho Thanks to Nettie, my dependable sounding board for her encouragement and insight. You Rock!!
Set in the mess that was season ten, after 'Death at the Mosque'
AN: at the end so not to spoil. A bit of fluff with a side of angst.
JUST LIKE THAT! - By JagfanNat
Not even bothering to turn on the lights, Sarah MacKenzie slumped into her couch feeling deflated. She had finally gone to Harm, and just like that, he had pushed her away. And her going to him hadn't even been about her needs; it had been about his. She had wanted to be there for him; to support him in his time of need as he had done for her so many times before. Admittedly, her timing hadn't been brilliant. He had been standing vigil for days; waiting, praying for Mattie to wake up from her accident. He was sleep deprived, worried sick and feeling guilty. He had encouraged Mattie to have those flying lessons, had paid for them as a gift and, in essence, felt responsible for her lying in that hospital bed in a coma. But if a friend couldn't come and give their support in the most dire of circumstances; then when?
Mac was at a loss as to what she should do. After all, he was the one who hadn't told her of the accident when he had called her in San Diego. In not telling her, he was saying that he didn't want her help, didn't need her help; didn't need her. He was the one who was now pushing her away. 'Doesn't feel so good, does it?' she asked herself as she thought of what she had put Harm through these last months, pushing him away.
Running her hands over her face in frustration, Mac leaned over to turn on the table lamp. In doing so, she noticed the message light flashing on her answering machine. 'Later,' she thought out loud 'I need a nice hot bath before dealing with anything', she continued as she dragged herself off the couch towards the bathroom.
Almost an hour later, Mac emerged from her bedroom in warm flannel pajamas and fluffy slippers, her hair still damp. Walking toward the kitchen to find something to eat, she hit the play button on the answering machine, on the way. "You have two new messages. Message one:" the machine called out.
"Hello, this is a courtesy call for Sarah MacKenzie from Georgetown Blockbuster. The DVD 'Men of War' was due back yesterday. Could you please return it as soon as possible, thank you?" Beep.
'Damn, I forgot!' Mac made a mental note to return it in the morning, as she rummaged through her fridge.
"Message two:" the machine called out again.
"Hey, Mac…" Mac closed the fridge door and walked slowly to the machine upon hearing Harm's familiar voice, sounding so broken.
"I, um, you must be still on your way home. I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing…I mean…I'm… sorry, I'm just…I'm trying so hard to keep it together, you know? I'll see you at work on Monday, okay? Anyway…I'm sorry, Mac." Beep.
"End of Messages. To delete all messages, press delete," the machine called out in the quiet apartment.
Sitting on the arm of the couch, Mac felt an overwhelming need to go to him, to hold him. Instead, she pressed play again.
It had taken Mac hours to finally fall asleep, only to be woken by loud knocking on her door shortly after actually doing so. Dragging herself out of bed, Mac made her way to the door, not bothering with her robe. Checking the peephole first, she couldn't open the door fast enough as she saw Harm on the other side, in tears.
"Harm? What…" was all she managed to say as he crushed her to him, burying his face in the crook of her neck, sobbing. As she felt his arms around her torso and his tears on her neck, all she could do was stretch her arms out around his shoulders and hug him back. They stood this way for long minutes, until Mac slowly pulled back.
"Harm, talk to me," she implored, taking his head between her hands and looking at his tear stained face.
No words would come out of his mouth as yet more tears flowed from his eyes. All he could do was shake his head from side to side.
"Mattie?" Mac queried. And a loud sob escaped him as he hugged Mac to him again.
"Oh, Harm, I'm so sorry," tears now running down Mac's face also. "I'm so, so sorry."
He cried like a baby in her arms for sometime, before looking down into her own teary eyes. His eyes moved down to her mouth before his lips slowly descended on hers. It started as a gentle kiss, a plea, his lips barely brushing against hers, but within seconds became fierce and desperate. Before long, Harm's hands came into contact with Mac's bare back under her pajamas, and Mac pulled away, her skin burning from his touch.
Feeling her pull back, Harm held her tighter, kissing her hard, taking her breath away. "Please, Mac," he pleaded over and over between kisses, still crying. "I need you," he sobbed. Wanting so desperately to take his pain away, Mac dismissed all thoughts of consequence, closed her front door and led him by the hand, to her bedroom.
Much later…
Coming down from yet another high, the likes of which neither had ever experienced before, Harm settled his head on Mac's chest with his right arm draped over her waist. Mac brought her left hand up to his head, gently running her fingers through his hair, while her right hand caressed his shoulder. She felt Harm's breathing even out against her breast as he drifted off to sleep.
"I love you," he whispered as sleep took him, just as dawn was breaking.
A small tear trickled down Mac's cheek. "I love you," she whispered back, as she surrendered to sleep as well.
Harm stared out Mac's bedroom window. It was a gloomy, rainy day outside, which was exactly how he felt inside. This was not how he had envisioned his first time making love with Sarah MacKenzie. He had dreamed of making love with Mac hundreds, no, thousands of times over the years. But never once had it been pictured whilst he was consumed by grief. He felt terrible. He had never considered himself a selfish lover, far from it, in fact; until now. Slowly untangling himself from Mac's sleeping form, Harm made his way to the bathroom before returning to sit on the edge of the bed.
He stared back out the window, his mind taking him back twelve hours…..
Flashback:
He was exhausted. He'd barely slept a wink in over seventy-two hours, dividing his time between work and visiting Mattie in the hospital. He couldn't remember when he last had a decent meal and had been surviving on coffee and granola bars from vending machines. Mattie's father, Tom, was nowhere to be found and Harm had just turned away the love of his life. He couldn't deal with her being so close; his nerves wound so tight that he felt he would snap in two if he let his guard down even the slightest bit. How had his life become such a mess?
Harm made his way to the end of the ward corridor, towards the vending machines for yet another coffee. Passing a payphone, he decided he needed to call Mac and apologize, unable to use his cell in the ICU ward. Disappointed he hadn't been able to talk to Mac, he left her a jumbled message. He hung up, his heart heavy, and turned to the vending machine for his coffee.
"Code blue ICU6, code blue ICU6."
Harm dropped his full cup of coffee into a nearby trashcan and ran towards ICU6, Mattie's room. A flurry of activity awaited him there; five people huddled around Mattie, one doctor yelling out orders whilst performing heart compressions, and four nurses carrying out his orders. Drugs were injected into her IV, a crash-cart wheeled over to Mattie's side. Paddles placed onto her chest, nurses and doctor standing clear whilst a jolt of electricity shot through the paddles to restart Mattie's heart. It was Harm's worst nightmare.
"I'm sorry, Commander Rabb. We did everything we could." Just like that, Mattie was gone.
He didn't know how he got there, but suddenly he was knocking on Mac's door.
End flashback.
It wasn't long before Mac sensed his absence, missed his warmth, even in sleep, and roused from her slumber. She stretched and slowly opened her eyes, seeing Harm sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to her, looking out the window. Her heart went out to him, sitting there, alone in his thoughts.
"Harm?"
Harm sighed deeply, but didn't respond. He couldn't face her. But he couldn't leave her, either.
"Harm, look at me, please," Mac almost begged; worried that he regretted their night together.
"I can't," he said softly.
"Why not?" she asked, steeling herself for what she assumed would be rejection.
"Mac, I can't look at you…"
Preparing to protect herself from the hurt, Mac cut in "Harm, it's okay…"
"NO! It's not!"
Shocked by his outburst, Mac instinctively brought the sheet up to her chin, and sat bolt upright, bringing her knees up to her chest in defense.
"I can't face you because I am so ashamed of myself," he continued quietly.
It took a second for Mac to realize she wasn't being rejected, and relaxed back against the pillows.
"What...Why?" Mac didn't understand.
"Mac, I all but forced myself on you!" he exclaimed, still unable to look at her.
"Excuse me?" Mac asked incredulously. "Harm, look at me."
Harm didn't move.
"Turn around, Sailor!" she ordered.
Harm slowly turned to face her, but couldn't look her in the eye, so he looked down at the bed.
"If I remember correctly, I lead you here," Mac pointed to the bed. "You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do."
Harm risked looking at her, then, and saw the honesty in her eyes.
"Mac, that was not how I wanted our first time to be," he whispered. "You deserve so much more."
God, she loved this man! He was in grief and all he was worried about was her. She thought what they had shared was wonderful, and he thought she deserved more? How much more could there be? She swallowed hard, her eyes pierced by his. She didn't know how to make him understand what she was feeling.
"Harm, what you gave me last night was more than any man has ever given me."
How could that be? Harm stared at her, disbelieving, speechless.
"Harm, I love you."
"Don't say that!" he snapped, turning away from her once again.
Shocked, Mac leaned over and placed her hand on his back. Harm tensed but didn't pull away.
"I love y…"
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do!" she wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his bare back.
"Please… Don't," Harm choked out.
"Why not?" she asked in a whisper, tightening her hold on him.
"Because…because everyone who loves me, leaves me," his head slumped down.
Mac thought about that statement; his father had died. Diane had died. Annie had left him. Jordan had left him, and then died. Renee had left him. And now, Mattie had just died. Mac sighed deeply. Releasing her hold on him, she got up and walked around to stand in front of him.
"Harm, I love you and I'm not going anywhere," she declared, sitting in his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Promise?" he breathed, instinctively encircling her in his arms.
"I do," she whispered against his lips a second before she kissed him deeply.
Harm deepened the kiss, slowly maneuvering them back into bed.
"I like the sound of those words on your lips," Harm said, looking deep in her eyes. "Care to say them in front of a minister or judge?"
"What? Get married? Just like that?" Mac was flabbergasted, overwhelmed.
"Sure, why not?" Harm asked seriously. Life was short, as he was painfully reminded the previous night. He was not going to wasted a single opportunity from now on.
"I'd love to, Harm, but I don't want you making any rash decisions whilst you're still dealing with your loss. You shouldn't make any life changing decisions when you're grieving."
"This isn't a rash decision, Mac. It's far from being a new idea. I've wanted to marry you for almost five years."
"Five years?!" Mac almost shrieked, doing the math in her head.
"I even bought you a ring, the day after AJ's birth," he continued when he realized Mac had worked out the timeline.
Mac was speechless; a rare thing indeed.
"Mac, I love you. Please marry me?" Harm almost pleaded, placing soft kisses all over Mac's face.
"Yes," Mac answered simply as Harm continued to shower her with kisses. Harm paused to look into her eyes, and gave her a beautiful smile; the first she had seen from him in days. He then bent down to give her the most exhilarating, toe-curling kiss she'd ever experienced.
"Care to show me how our first timeshouldhave been, sailor?" Mac asked, coming up for air.
"I'd love to, marine," Harm murmured as he proceeded to show just how much he loved her.
EPILOGUE
It had taken some months for Harm to come to terms with Mattie's death, and Mac had wanted to wait until Harm had worked through his grief fully before she would even consider a wedding date. Harm was thankful for her patience and support, but was well and truly ready to move forward when they finally did get married some four months after Mattie's death. It had been a family affair with Harm's parents, and grandmother, Chloe, and their family at JAG in attendance; the romantic ceremony performed at sunset on a Californian beach.
Harm had received the most wonderful wedding present from his new bride when, on their wedding night, she presented him with a sonogram picture of their unborn child stuck to her tummy; their little miracle. Five months later, a day short of what would have been Mattie's seventeenth birthday; Mac gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Stephanie Mathilda Rabb.
The End
AN: As much as I hated to have Mattie die, Harm's and Mac's personal lives were in such a mess at this time, that only a catastrophic event could satisfactorily tip the scales in their favor. This is my way of making that happen...please don't throw rocks at me!!!