Summary: Castiel watches Dean sleep and comes to some home truths. Set around the time of On The Head of A Pin (or more specifically the ending of)
written for the monthly meme lyrics challenge on LiveJournal, from the following prompt by LJ user mephestopheles -
SPN, Castiel Centric (porn optional, slash preferred) I let you put it in my mouth / I let it get under my skin / I let you put it in my veins / I let you take me from within / They tell us what we can and cannot do / Same thing we've heard 100 times before / Well, I put you inside of me / But none of that matters anymore
(LYRICS ARE TAKEN FROM "VESSEL" BY NIN)
Under My Skin.
Castiel sat quietly beside Dean's hospital bed, watching while the hurt man slept, healing from his wounds. The angel felt himself drifting, mind wandering through passageways of thought alien to him, yet which felt so right.
He thought back to what Anna had told him, that the feelings inside him, taking over him from within, was called doubt. He thought, to a certain extent, she was right. Of course he'd told Dean that himself once before - that he had doubts, he had questions, that he was not the hammer that Dean had once accused him of being.
But deep down, the angel knew it was so much more than that, so much more than just doubting his orders, doubting his superiors and his place in the scheme of things.
Castiel was in love.
It felt strange to him to think of such an emotion as love; that base feeling he thought humans only capable of feeling, yet still he felt it. In a way, he'd known it for some time, but hadn't wanted to admit it to himself. It had been too early. Now, though, now he had the time to think, to reflect and to admit to things he'd known all along.
He thought back over nights he'd shared with Dean, of lying with him night after night, kissing, touching, more and Castiel felt warmth grow inside him, flow through his veins. Love was under his skin and it was all directed towards Dean Winchester.
The angel leant his head back against the back of the chair he was sitting on, eyes closed for a moment while he reflected, feeling his heart had been taken from within himself by Dean, and it was willingly given.
He thought back over what he'd asked Dean to do when Alastair had been secured to the rack. He'd asked - no, demanded - that Dean torture the demon, go back to the thing that scared Dean so much and Castiel hated himself for having had to put his hunter through that. Dean had done it despite strong words against the order, and despite a strong inclination to disobey . He'd still gone through with it - because Castiel had asked him to.
It seemed as though the love wasn't one sided like the angel had once feared.
Castiel opened his eyes once again, staring blindly at the ceiling as he thought back over his long existence; of all the things he'd known, been ordered to do. All his life, he'd been told what he could and couldn't do, and he was tired of hearing the same things a hundred times, no, a thousand times over.
It didn't matter any more what both Castiel and Dean had to go through, had to face in the future, because Castiel was sure of one thing, if nothing else - at least they would always have each other.