Disclaimer: I don't claim any rights of ownership
Ghosts
It was about ten at night when I heard the knock on the door, sharp and unyielding as I stumbled from the sofa in my living room where I had just been drifting off. My eyes were bleary from watching the television and from tiredness and I rubbed at them absentmindedly with the back of my hand before opening the door.
"What?" I blinked, it was a policeman, what the hell was a policeman doing knocking on my door at this time of night? I didn't think my TV was that loud. "Is there a problem?"
"Excuse me sir, are you Uzumaki Naruto?" he was looking at me with an odd, grave expression and my stomach twisted uncomfortably with the half-formed fear of something bad coming.
"Yes, why? What is it?" All traces of sleepiness disappeared from my body as I tensed, subconsciously waiting for a blow.
"Is it okay if I come in? You might want to sit down" he said in a stupidly soft voice that only managed to rile me.
"Just tell me what the hell is going on" I snapped, he sighed, looking resigned.
"You were listed as the emergency contact for Uchiha Sasuke and given that we couldn't locate any family members to speak of we felt it right to inform you first," he paused, looking at me hesitantly and I glared back impatiently, my nerves all tightening with worry, if that teme has gone and landed himself in trouble I was going to kick his miserable ass from here to Antarctica.
"You have my sincerest apologies but Uchiha Sasuke has died. There was a fire at his house whilst he was trapped inside, the fireman were unable to get to him in time."
I barely heard what he said after the word 'died' had slipped past his lips, my hands clenched so hard that my nails started to draw blood but I barely felt it. The policeman was still talking but I just stared at him blankly, he must have been worried because he started to edge inside, his hand reaching out to me, I jerked back violently.
"You're wrong," was that really my voice? It sounded so strangled and distant.
"I'm sorry but there's no doubt that he's passed on, dental records confirm that the body discovered was Mr. Uchiha."
"When?"
"Sir?"
"When was the fucking fire?!" I yelled, feeling almost satisfied when the guy flinched, almost, I doubted I would ever feel satisfied or content or happy ever again.
"Smoke was sighted at around twenty-past eight this evening, the fire services arrived at the house by twenty-five to nine and the fire was subdued by half nine and the body discovered at twenty to ten." he rattled off, probably having memorised all the details before coming to see me.
Sasuke had been dead for goodness knows how long and I hadn't known, I felt like I should have known, like I should have felt something the moment he left me behind. I tried to remember what I had been doing two hours ago and only drew a blank.
"Get out."
"Excuse me sir?"
"I said get out"
"I understand that you're upset sir but you should really have someone with you"
"I said GET OUT!" I yelled in his face not caring that he could arrest me, not caring about anything at all, just wanting him gone, I pushed at his shoulder to force him back out the door and then slammed it in his face. My hand curled on the door pane making groove marks as I breathed harshly through my nose whilst listening to the policeman retreat.
I wondered vaguely how I hadn't seen the smoke or heard the fire engines, something, before I realised that Sasuke's house was so far out in the middle of nowhere it was a surprise anyone had noticed really. A small detached voice at the back of my head pointed out that in these circumstances people usually cried or did something equally dramatic, where was all the 'why, god why?', the tantrums and the broken hearted wailing? All I felt was numb disbelief, everything was suddenly chillingly surreal like I had slipped into some sick and twisted parallel universe because Sasuke just couldn't be gone, it was utterly impossible, the guy was like invincible or something so how was I supposed to believe that something as ludicrous as a common fire had managed to defeat him?
Not really seeing anything I slowly walked through the hallway and into the kitchen, apathetically sitting down and picking up the phone to call everyone. One by one I broke their carefully constructed worlds, repeating the words over and over to each of them 'Sasuke died' hoping vaguely that if I said it enough it might sink in but still I just felt frozen as I sat listening to the grief of my friends. Some took it better than others, some broke down and I listened silently to their sobs and choked words before they hung up and I repeated the process. Gaara offered to take over telling everyone but I insisted that it was fine, that I would do it, it only felt right somehow that as Sasuke's closest friend I would be the one to let people know he was gone.
Sakura was the hardest to tell and the hardest to listen to, she didn't believe at first either just kept saying that I must be wrong, that there had been a mistake that Sasuke wasn't in the house and we just had to wait for him to get in touch and let us know that he was alright. Her voice started to catch, her words coming out in short gasps until slowly the noises grew into heaving sobs only punctuated by her begging me to tell her it wasn't true. I didn't know what to say to her, my chest felt raw as it throbbed dully but I couldn't force any words out of my throat, I just listened and a litany grew in my head, 'Sasuke's dead...Sasuke's dead...Sasuke's dead…This is real…He's not coming back...Sasuke's dead…'
Sakura hung up eventually without saying goodbye, her sobs still echoed in my ears.
There didn't seem to be anything else to do after that, I stared numbly at the phone in my hand for a few moments not really seeing it before putting it down and sliding slowly off my seat, I looked around blankly at my messy kitchen and it occurred to me that I hadn't cleaned in days. Sasuke was always complaining about how messy my apartment was.
With grim determination and strangely jerky movements I grabbed some dustbin bags and moved through to the living room where the television was still on, I switched it off angrily and started to thrown all my rubbish in the bin, the crisps packets and paper plates, whilst throwing my dirty washing in another bag. I didn't stop until the floor was clear though it must have been about 2 in the morning by that time and then I took all my dirty ramen bowls through to the kitchen and with mechanic motions began to do the washing up.
It was only about half-way through when a thought about the look on Sasuke's face when he realised I'd actually tidied forced its way into my numb brain and startled a gasp of laughter from me. But it came out all wrong, it sounded so choked and hysterical, it sounded too much like a sob and it started to sink in, Sasuke wouldn't see that I had cleaned because Sasuke would never see anything ever again, he wouldn't ever come round my apartment again to complain about what a mess it was before promptly dragging me off to his much neater house.
Sasuke is dead...
The cup I was holding slipped through my lax fingers and smashed on the floor, I didn't even flinch, I was too lost in the scenes that played out behind my eyelids as I slowly slid to the floor. Sasuke teasing me, Sasuke smirking and calling me 'dobe', Sasuke beating me at video games, Sasuke beating up the local thugs for calling me a freak, Sasuke coming to me and just sitting silently with tears slipping down his face when his parents died, Sasuke eating, sleeping, smiling..
A gasp slipped past my lips at the force of it as strangled and distorted sounds made their way out of my throat and tears streamed down my cheeks, my fingers unconsciously started to claw at my chest and throat as if I could rip the pain out of me if I just tried hard enough and even as it started to sting, even as I started tearing through skin I didn't stop because there had to be a way to stop this, this blinding all consuming despair.
~&~
The next few days, the next few weeks all just seemed to blur together, I wasn't sure how much sleep I got and I didn't much care, in fact I wanted to avoid sleep. Sleep only led to dreams, dreams where Sasuke was still alive and each one of those dreams were just more crushing than the last when I woke up and realised that was all they were.
People came over occasionally, presumably to check on me as I hadn't been out of the house at all, strangely I didn't like it much when they came. It hurt too much sometimes to see the grief and the pity in their eyes, it made everything too real and I couldn't deal with it, not yet, not when they looked so much like they needed comforting and I just couldn't do it, I didn't have anything left to give.
I didn't mind Gaara though, he didn't try to talk and he didn't look at me with pity in his eyes, he simply sat with me till I felt safe enough that I occasionally found myself with my head buried in his shoulder or lying in his lap, taking in the warmth of another human being who was still there, who hadn't left me.
I hated that the most, I hated that Sasuke had just left me like that, in the silence of my apartment when there was no-one there to hear me I would scream at him, scream at him for leaving me, for thinking that I could ever be okay with him gone. I found myself futilely punching walls till my knuckles bled and my body sagged and still anger coursed through my veins, so thick that sometimes I felt as though I were choking on it.
Then there were the times when I felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut, when I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed because I just had no energy left. Bitter hollowness consumed me as I tried vainly to recapture the once bottomless well of enthusiasm and pure thirst I used to have for life.
It seemed to scare some of my friends how withdrawn I had become but as much as I tried to reassure them, I just didn't have it in me, every attempted smile felt more like a grimace and after a while I stopped trying altogether when I realised that my efforts just scared them more. There had always been darkness in my life but I had managed to keep it at bay, managed to retain some sense of hope, no, more than that, it was blind faith that things could be better if I tried hard enough, to be the best, to be a good person, someone to be admired and respected.
I thought if I tried hard enough...
I never really thought about fate before meeting Neji, I remembered disagreeing with him on principle because I believed it was up to an individual whether they would resign themselves to their 'destiny' or fight it. I was always the one fighting it, refusing to be labelled the loser my entire life but now I couldn't help but think in wry amusement that if the Fates did exist, they certainly seemed to have it out for me.
~&~
Sasuke's funeral was almost two months later, Neji and Gaara had spent the most time organising it though they made sure to check that everyone was happy with the specifications, I nodded my agreement to everything, the classical music that would play in the background, the seating arrangements, the cars that would pick us up to take us there...the dark mahogany coffin.
I floated through the days with the constant feeling of being surrounded by darkness. Lost. In my mind I marked the passage of time by how long it had been since the night I found out and how long until it was until the funeral. Only those two dates seemed to be able to stay in my mind, everything just slipped away like inconsequential drops of water seeping through cupped hands.
On the morning that the service was set to be I woke on the sofa where I had managed to get a few hours of restless sleep and stared blankly at the ceiling as the knowledge that Sasuke would be cremated today settle like a lead weight in the pit of my stomach. Trembling, I bolted up from my seat to the bathroom where I retched into the toilet, gripping the sides of the porcelain bowl as I sank down on to the tiles.
When I finally stopped, my head spinning and my gut still churning I spat out the foul taste from my mouth and leaned my head back against the wall. Somehow, despite the fact that I had been mentally counting down the days, I had clung to the belief that I wouldn't have to actually face the funeral, apart of me had wanted to believe that life would just hang in suspension till..
Till nothing, this is happening and there's no pretending otherwise.
With clenched fists and blank eyes I got up from the floor and headed back into my room where I picked out the blackest clothes I owned, smart black jeans and a long sleeved top with an orange swirl on the back. I laid them out on my bed and stood for a moment just staring at them, unwilling to admit to the tears that suddenly clouded my vision. I blinked them away hurriedly, my muscles tensing as I attempted to force some strength back into my body when all I really wanted to do was curl up in a dark corner somewhere till the world forgot I ever existed and I could die in peace and find Sasuke again.
Sasuke..
I had largely managed to avoid saying his name out loud but it still reverberated around my head, it was still etched in every fibre of my being, when my parents left and people at school scorned me for being too loud, too much of a freak it was always Sasuke who had been there, silent and stoic and playfully mocking as ever but there all the same. He had been the only constant in my life and the only one I had really felt I could rely on, there just wasn't anyone who could fill the void that he had left and I wouldn't want anyone to, it almost felt wrong to even think about ever moving on or letting go, ever being happy.
Anger and bitterness pulsed sluggishly through my veins till it felt as if every part of me burned with it, my jaw clenched as I bit back a scream of frustration and hate. My restraint soon snapped however and a yell tore itself from my throat as my fist whirled into the wall near me causing a small dent in the plaster, I barely registered the dull pain in my knuckles as I hit the wall again and again and again till they bled.
I hate you.
I hate you for leaving me.
I hate you for not trying harder.
I hate you for thinking I could ever live without you.
I hate you teme.
In my blind anger and misery I hadn't even heard the door opening but now I felt arms wrapping around me, pulling me back out of reach of the wall. I sank against the warm body with my eyes closed, relishing in the brief second where I could convince myself it was him but the second passed like every other that had been lived in hope and it was someone else's voice I heard next to my ear.
"Stop now Naruto, it won't bring him back. You have to get ready." I opened my eyes and shifted my head slightly to peer up into the placid green eyes of Gaara, so different from the eyes so dark they almost seemed black that haunted my thoughts. My head sank back down to my chest, my arms hanging loose at my sides as I sighed in defeat knowing that he was right.
It didn't take me long to be ready, I drifted through the house ticking off things that I had to do in my head as I went and only ever focusing on the next task at hand until almost suddenly it seemed there was nothing left to do and Gaara was standing patiently by the front door in a crisp black suit to drive me to the crematorium.
My gut churned as I sat in the car, watching the passing scenery flicker past my eyes in blurs of green shrubbery and blue sky and the occasional terracotta orange of the bricks of houses. Everything seemed eerily muted as if someone had turned the sound down on the world. Maybe it was just me, maybe I was cracking up.
We met up with everyone outside the doors of the crematorium, everyone's faces looked so solemn that I wasn't quite sure whether I wanted to laugh or cry. For a moment I just had to turn away from them and I found myself looking across the grounds that surrounded the building, taking in the trees with their plaques to commemorate the loved and lost. There was a beautiful little pond down the side with trees hanging over the edges.
It all looked so serene and I couldn't help wondering how much time was spent manicuring the lawns and tending to the plants and the trees. A thought crossed my mind that maybe the owners figured if their little charnel house was surrounded by beauty then the people who had to come there would be distracted or comforted by the beauty.
I stifled an inappropriate little snicker as I turned back to my friends...Sasuke's friends...and told myself again that I had to stop acting so insane or people would take it upon themselves to lock me up in a mental institution. Goodness knows the town would probably be happy to see the back of me, whispering to each other that they always knew I would come to no good and I doubt it will take my friends long to stop missing me, it's not like I'm important, it's not like I'm Sasuke.
I blinked for a moment when I realised that Sakura was tugging on my arm and looked at her with a faintly confused expression that caused a little frown of concern to appear on her already tear-stained face.
"We're going in now Naruto, come on," she smiled faintly and I couldn't help but think about the smile she used to have, the one that made me like her in primary school. Maybe she would never get it back, all she seemed to be able to manage at the moment was a twisted grimace that just made her look more miserable. I hoped that she would though, she deserved to be able to smile like that again.
In a silent gesture of support she curled her arm around the crook of my elbow and pulled me forwards and considered asking what the time was, whether we were early, late, just on time, I hadn't even looked at a clock in days I suddenly realised.
The interior of the building emanated a sense of calm as well with smooth oak flooring and soft cream coloured walls, there were small oak tables every now and then with vases of flowers placed in the centre. I stood there amongst everyone looking around, not registering that we had all stopped in order for Neji to speak to someone, I had slipped into that place again, somewhere between life and death where nothing was quite real, where there was no connection to anything.
I tried to remember some of what Neji had explained would happen at the funeral, he had said that the rest of the group had decided that they would rather the coffin come beforehand not being able to bear the thought of following behind it like some stately procession of death. he had asked if I wanted to say something as well.
"What am I supposed to say?" I asked
"Anything you want."
"No, let Sakura do it, she'll be better at it"
I was glad now that I had said 'no' as my throat constricted, I would probably only have been able to stand there and gape like a fish incapable of any coherency. I felt some wry amusement at the mental picture of myself standing up in front of everyone, too powerless to really do anything but breakdown and that was the last thing I wanted. I hated the thought of all those people looking at me, people who had always scorned me now deigning to look at me with pity.
I already knew the place would be full, Sasuke was the wonder boy, the pride of our little town. They would all come now to stare, to feed their own morbid fascination and mutter to each other how sad it all was and what a waste.
"Naruto?" Sakura's soft voice startled me from my thoughts and I blinked as I turned to her to see concern swimming in her teary eyes, I was aware that my unresponsive state was causing worry but I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it, I couldn't find my voice. I attempted a small smile to comfort her in place of the words that refused to form and was glad to see that she seemed a little reassured.
"It's just through here, ok?" she pointed and I turned to see that the rest of our little group was already moving towards the double doors at the end of a small hallway as Sakura tugged gently on my arm for what felt like the millionth time. I nodded to her, my feet already moving as we caught up.
When we entered the room I could see that my guess had been correct, people were already gathering like flocks of vultures come to feed off of other people's misery, all lined up in their smart black suits and skirts. These are the kind of people who stare avidly at a car crash, those who watch the news just to get their fill of the latest disaster, I doubted that any of them had ever really spoken to Sasuke outside of a passing 'Hello'. They're only here for the spectacle, I thought with disgust.
I followed everyone else as we chose some seats to the side, I was thankful when people left us relatively alone even as they stared at us, aware that we had been those closest to him. We were the only family he had, aside from his missing brother Itachi of course but I refused to acknowledge him as Sasuke's family when all he had done was hurt him.
There was a small raised area in front of us that was hidden away with a heavy curtain where I assumed the coffin was, my stomach almost threatened to revolt at the idea of seeing it. I glanced anxiously down the row of seats I was on, Sakura sat on my left hand side and the aisle on my right, everyone was either talking quietly amongst themselves or sitting in silent contemplation. I watched as they all made small gestures of comfort to each other, holding hands and offering tissues.
I shifted my gaze to my lap where my hands lay limply, shaking almost imperceptibly and I clenched and released them over and over in an attempt to make them stop. I started to feel nervous, paranoid as if everyone were watching me, the good-for-nothing troublemaker and Sasuke's best friend, my hands shifted and I got the urge to scratch at the back of my hand with my broken stubby nails. Again and again I dragged them across my skin as it turned red trying to get rid of the strange feeling that I was going to implode, I just needed something to focus on other than the fact that Sasuke was lying in a coffin just a few feet in front of me.
I was surprised when soft hands gently took my own hands away from each other and I looked up to see Sakura, no longer crying but still looking as broken as I felt, a flash of understanding passed between us and I straightened up in my seat with a deep breath, clasping my hand firmly around hers before we both turned to face the front as the local vicar came up to the small podium at the front.
I realised now that place was quite full, some having to stand up at the back, the hushed whisper of all their voices that my own mental anguish had drowned out just moments before came back in a wave of sound before dwindling again to eerie silence as people paid attention to the vicar. It felt odd having him do the service because I knew for a fact Sasuke had been an atheist but it seemed to be what people expected, years of tradition had drilled it into us that it wouldn't be a proper service unless a Christian vicar was presiding over it.
He was silent a few moments and I wondered what he was waiting for, I just wanted him to be over and done so that I could get out of there and breathe, but the reason for it soon became apparent as the curtains shifted and slowly parted to show the oak coffin.
I averted my gaze, unable to look at it though I noticed someone had organised for a flower arrangement to be placed on top of it, my eyes drifted to the vicar as he started to speak, his lips were moving but I just couldn't focus on the words. They drifted past me like so many insignificant little wisps of cloud, too intangible for me to grasp.
It wasn't long before I gave up and simply stared at the floor waiting for it to all just be over, I felt almost guilty for wanting to ignore everything going on around me knowing that funerals were supposed to be an occasion of acknowledgement, that really I should be listening as the goodbyes were made. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was being disrespectful I just couldn't bring myself to look up again, the wooden flooring filled my vision and I could almost believe that I was staring at some other floor, that Sasuke's funeral wasn't taking place around me, that Sakura wasn't crying and Sasuke wasn't really dead.
I was dimly aware that I was in denial but stubbornness overtook reason because it was just too impossible, too hard to believe that he was really dead. My jaw twitched as I clenched it to stop myself from doing what I really wanted to do, stand up and scream at them all for being stupid enough to believe he was dead and then scream some more at Sasuke for letting this happen, for not being there. For leaving me.
I knew I should be sad but all I felt was anger, pure volatile hatred of everything and everyone, Sasuke most of all.
It wasn't all that long before I felt Sakura's hand untangling from mine as she shifted in her seat and I realised the vicar had stopped speaking meaning that it was time for the eulogies. I looked up then to meet her eyes as she stood up, I nodded to her as a show of support and she nodded back, taking a slow breath as she straightened her shoulders and wiped her eyes before moving past me and towards the small podium. I watched her go, suddenly very aware of how strong she was to be able to stand up in front of all these people and say goodbye to the boy she had come to love as a brother.
"A lot of you know Sasuke because of his academic achievements and it's true that he was known to be something of a genius, he was always determined to excel and prove himself. I don't believe that's what defined him though, I spent quite a bit of time trying to think of how to explain to you how what kind of person he was but I decided that I'm not going to. His friends, no his family, his real family, already know who he was and that's enough, its enough that he was loved. Sasuke was human, it as simple as that, sometimes he was a grumpy sod," she smiled briefly then even as tears welled in her eyes again, as if she were remembering something, "other times he would refuse to admit he had ever committed an act of kindness even when we knew better. He was human and we loved him for it."
Her voice cracked slightly as she finished and stepped down from the podium with a lingering glance at the coffin that lay to her side, a strange morbid monstrosity. She shook as she made her way back to the seat next to and my hand was reaching out to her before I was even aware of it to guide her back.
It was only as her fingers came up to stroke \my cheek that I realized tears were streaming down my face, warm and bitter.
When it was over and people began to file past us, some expressing their condolences with long flowery words, others with short, clipped, over-used phrases, 'I'm sorry for your loss', I found I was struggling to keep the pieces of myself together. Not many spoke to me of course, most either avoiding me altogether with awkward little smiles that I presumed were supposed to be comforting or giving me small brisk nods before moving on to speak to others.
My fingers tapped nervously against my leg as I waited for them to be gone.
Go away, please just go away. Leave me alone and stop looking at me like a circus act. Stop looking at the fucking coffin, stop looking at my friends and stop looking at me! Just go away!
I was screaming inside my head as though someone would be able to hear, to somehow understand. Tears still bled wet tracks down my face as if Sakura's words had broken a dam, had made it more real and the very thought that it might be real terrified me to the point that me entire body shook as I tried to stay upright and as composed as possible. I didn't want these people seeing me as I broke down, I didn't want their disgust and I certainly didn't want their pity.
When the last little group of people left through the doors the place was almost empty aside from us, there was only the vicar and some staff, a funeral director who looked a little ridiculous dressed out in Victorian styled top hat coat tails. I turned to my small group of friends, Sakura, Neji and Hinata, Gaara, Shikamaru, Kiba, almost unconsciously we had all huddled together but for a few moments, none of us said anything simply taking in the chance to breathe. Eventually it was the vicar who broke the silence as he approached us,
"Would you like to have a moment alone to view the coffin?" he asked
"Yes, please," Neji spoke up and holding his cousins hand led us over, I almost would have refused but Sakura was still holding my hand and I didn't feel as though I could.
"I'm just over here if any of you want to talk," the vicar interjected, to which a few of us nodded absently as we stared at the one thing I felt we had all been trying to avoid since the day began.
It was beautiful in a strange way I mused, the dark wood had been a good choice and the flowers were arranged perfectly. We were so close now, close enough that I would be able to touch it if I reached out a hand and that made me more afraid than I had ever been in my entire life. Tears still flowed from my eyes despite my stilted efforts to stop them and my body shook with suppressed sobs, I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away to try and deny everything.
It was a few minutes before I opened them again, still avoiding looking at the coffin again to find that my friends were in a similar state, all unravelling before me. Something inside me broke at the sight and before I was aware of it I had ripped my hand from Sakura's and I was already running as fast as my legs would carry me away, far, far away from this stupid nightmare.
I distantly heard someone crying out after me but by the time it registered in my mind I was already out of the doors to the building, the scenery I had looked at earlier in the day now blurred past me. I pushed myself harder and harder as my lungs burned and my legs screamed in protest, desperate with the need get away from the place where Sasuke's body lay.
I made it across a fair few fields before I tripped on a rock and crumpled on the ground, utterly spent. I gulped in oxygen with harsh ragged breaths for long moments as I stared blankly at a tiny bug that was diligently crawling up a blade of grass in front of me.
Maybe I could just lie here forever, surrounded by the air and the earth with nothing but the sun and the moon to watch over me as I slowly slipped away into darkness.
For the first time in my life I was more than tempted to just give up, I just wanted to rest and let someone else take over, it wasn't like my existence contributed anything to society. In fact society seemed determined to beat me down, everything in my life seemed determined to beat me down. I had already lost my parents and now Sasuke had been taken from me too? How am I supposed to cope with that?
I shifted so that I was lying on my back and stared up at the sky where clouds drifted lazily in the summer sky and I wished more than anything that I could be one of them, or the bug or anything but me just for a little while. I was tired, tired of struggling to cling to a life that brought little more than pain.
Its not real…Its not real…Its not real…Its not real…Its not real…
I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, willing it to be true, begging with whatever powers existed for it to not be real, for it to all be a horrible dream. I knew I was lying to myself, I understood that I was in denial because it wasn't like my mind had been damaged, my mind understood things perfectly in a detached sort of way. It was simply everything inside of me that was screaming out that it couldn't be true, that was refusing to believe I would never see him again.
I didn't know how I was supposed to carry on living when a burning pain had lodged itself in my chest, making it difficult to breathe or even to see properly, as though the world wasn't quite in focus. With a sigh of resignation I realised running away hadn't changed anything, I was still overly aware that Sasuke's charred lifeless body was lying in a coffin back at the Crematorium. The only thing my short dash had probably achieved was making my friends worry, something they shouldn't have to deal with when they're grieving as well.
I had never given up on anything before now and at least for the sake of my remaining friends I wouldn't start now, besides if I really did give up on life I could imagine meeting Sasuke on some ghostly plane where he would promptly call me an idiot and kick my ass for being a wimp. The thought almost made me smile in a fond sort of way, my friendship with Sasuke had always been volatile to say the least but we had achieved an odd sort of balance, our personalities playing off of each other in a way. We just fit.
Not having him anymore felt like half of myself had been torn away from me.
Clenching my fists shut in frustration I hit myself on the head a couple times to try and force myself to move and go back and stop thinking. I was increasingly starting to believe that my mind was my own worst enemy, it was part of what appealed to me about death, a permanent off-switch. I had come to find that the more I thought the more pain there was because they invariably led to Sasuke, memories of Sasuke, what my life was going to be like without Sasuke and all the things he would never see. It was torture.
With a sigh I managed to make myself sit up, only just becoming aware that the grass had in fact been rather damp, leaving my clothes spotted with small wet patches that clung to my skin making me shiver slightly. From there it didn't take long for me to stand up and start to walk back the way I had come. The wave of despair had passed a little though the pain remained like lead in my veins, pulling me down.
Another trial to overcome.
By the time I made it back to the Crematorium the summer air had cooled and I was shivering a little, my clothes still somewhat damp. I looked first towards the car park and found that there was only a couple of cars there and I felt a momentary jolt in my stomach as I wondered where the others had gone.
I calmed myself down however when I realised I recognised one of the cars left, Gaara's car, the rest had most likely not wanted to overwhelm me on my return and not being at all sure when I would return had left it to Gaara. I looked away then, my eyes flickering over the landscape in front of me, the paths, the little nooks, past the windows and doors of the building in order to try and locate my friend.
It didn't take me all that long, he was leaning against the wall near to the front doors with a cigarette dangling from his lips, hands in pockets, his red hair fiery in the light of the sinking sun.
A ghost of a smile flitted across my lips as I moved towards him, his eyes already fixed on me with a steady assessing gaze of concern. He nodded to me when I was near and I nodded back, understanding passing between us, 'I'm okay now, I can deal.'… 'Good, we were worried.'
I settled against the wall next to him, my shoulders hunching in slightly as I took in the moment of silence and calm. The sense of loss was sharp but for the first time since I had heard of Sasuke's death I found myself thinking that if I had people like Gaara looking out for me then I might just be able to survive this.
~&~
After that day things shifted slightly, there were still moments when I refused to believe what had happened but the surreal state of denial I had been in before the funeral lessened slightly to be overtaken by anger and pain. It seemed that accepting that Sasuke was dead, as long as it had taken and as hard as it had been, was only the beginning.
I slept less and less, my eyes glued to either the television set or the computer screen in an effort to find a distraction, any distraction, from the gnawing biting agony that consumed me every time my thoughts drifted. I ate less and less as well and though I was aware my weight was dropping, I almost felt happy about it. Whenever my stomach rumbled with hunger I would poke at it, a frown marring my face at the thought of eating.
Eating only made me feel guilty, like it was a greedy thing to do, I ate occasionally of course, when the need for it overcame whatever irrational feelings I had. When my friends came round I would eat at their insistence as well but only in small bites and it always made me feel particularly disgusted with myself afterwards.
It got to the point that even the very idea of eating made me feel physically sick which only served to make me eat less. I knew what I was doing was wrong, everything about how I was living was wrong and the logical part of my brain would scream at me when I let it but it was never strong enough to stop me. I wondered if I was trying to punish myself for Sasuke's death and then the bitter angry voice in my mind, the one that told me I was ugly and fat and worthless and that it should have been me that died rather than Sasuke, would whisper that I deserved to be punished.
I started to build up walls around myself, keeping me away from the world and my friends, it was so easy to pretend sometimes. The outer me, the shell that hid the twisted mess I had become could smile and laugh and put my friends minds at ease, telling them that I was okay, I was coping and no I didn't need to talk about it.
I managed to convince myself that it was a good thing really because why should a waste of space like myself be making good, kind people worry about me? They had their own pain to think about, they had lost Sasuke too, so burdening them with my own issues would only be selfish and the idea of being selfish, of causing pain to the people I cared about made me want to tear at my own skin.
I tell myself that it's okay, that it isn't all that bad because I'm still functioning, I can still manage to make myself presentable if I have to go somewhere or I know that someone's coming over, whether I've slept the night before or not. It's the summertime and I know that in a few weeks time I will be returning to school and I tell myself that I can manage that as well.
It can't be that hard after all, can't be all that different to what I'm doing at the moment, only with more activity because why should it make a difference whether I'm only pretending to myself and my circle of friends or my entire school, teachers and students alike?
But as the days were gradually swallowed up, dragging me further away from the time when Sasuke wasn't just a memory, I began to get more and more nervous. Over the years I had forced myself to try and become impervious to what others thought of me, the looks and the whispers about how odd and stupid I was. I could remember as clear as day what it had been like at the beginning of each school I had attended in this little town, primary and secondary, how I had been singled out immediately as the kid whose parents had killed themselves.
It was part of my past I had never managed to escape but I had become used to it over the years, learning to ignore the pitying or disdainful or just curious looks that I got. If they're so intent on looking at me like a bug under a microscope then I will simply have to give them something worth looking at, I had told myself, if I can make them look at me and acknowledge as simply Naruto then maybe I can escape being constantly associated with my parents deaths.
Now though I knew it would come back in full force, the whispering and the stares, if not stronger than ever because surely something had to be wrong with me if being around me kept dying. It was made even worse by the fact that they had known Sasuke, I was intelligent to realise that they would all think they had some claim on his memory now, 'Do you know I spoke to him once in maths class?', 'Do you remember the time he and that Uzumaki kid got into a fight in the school corridor?'.
They would talk about him, dissect every detail of his death, his life, everything about him for the sake of interesting gossip and I wasn't sure how I would be able to restrain myself from yelling at them to stop talking about him as if they knew him. They didn't know him, they knew nothing about him, he had never been a part of their lives, they hadn't known him since they were babies, they knew nothing!
The thoughts chased themselves around my brain every day as the beginning of term grew closer and each time the anger would bubble in the pit of my stomach making me scratch at the skin on my hands, neck, anywhere and everywhere, till it shone red, even bleeding a little. Either that or I went back to punching the wall, they were several reasonably impressive dents scattered throughout my small apartment by this point.
~&~
Time slipped through my fingers and seconds passed into dust, Sakura visited me less and less often, each time becoming more uncomfortable as if being together emphasized the loss of the third person in our small trio that had been together practically since Kindergarten. Usually these things brought people closer together surely, but somehow it only served to push Sakura and I further and further apart.
Gaara was as dependable as ever of course in his silent unassuming sort of way, he came over often and stayed longer and longer each time though we never really spoke much. He always made sure I ate when he was there as well, he could make me feel guilty and uncomfortably exposed with just one look from those haunting green eyes and though part of me was slightly resentful, I was also grateful.
Today was one of those days, I hadn't slept at all the night before and I couldn't remember clearly when I had last eaten, only being reminded of my body's need for nutrition when Gaara appeared on my doorstep with several containers of Chinese takeaway in a plastic bag and Shikamaru in tow. I grinned at them both in my usual way but they both looked at me knowingly and it soon faltered leaving me to sigh in a resigned way and open the door further as I stepped back to let them in. It was extremely hard to pretend with to them as Shikamaru was something of a genius and Gaara had simply seen it all and done it all before giving him a creepy sixth sense for knowing exactly what the people around him felt.
I could already tell it would be a long, emotionally draining evening.
I consoled myself however whilst they both silently went into the kitchen, both already knowing my apartment like the back of their hands having been there before a million times, whilst I might not be able to pretend I was perfectly fine with them, I didn't have to let them know how bad things had really become.
I moved into the kitchen and tried to cover up the instant feelings of nausea and guilt as I saw the large quantities of food that were being laid out, I was hungry if I really thought about it and I could get over my disgust long enough to nibble something in order to satisfy my friends.
Shikamaru looked up at me then with a concerned frown marring his usually lax and bored-looking face, "We thought you might be hungry," he said in a tone that suggested what he was really saying was, 'You're going to eat this whether you like it or not.'
"Yeah," I replied with a shrug, replying to the unspoken demand rather than the words he had actually used. It wasn't long before we were settled on my squishy sofa watching some inane sitcom on the telly, Shikamaru had sat on my right side whilst Gaara seated himself on my left. The odd image of the two of them acting as my bodyguards flitted through my mind but I wasn't totally uncomfortable, in fact the warmth their bodies gave of lulled me into feeling calm and safe, lately I had either felt so hot as to be feverish or so cold that I couldn't even remember what it actually felt like to be warm. This is nice, I thought, the pain and emptiness was still there but the sharp edges of it that made me want to rip myself apart just to stop feeling the way I did when I was alone had dulled slightly.
I hadn't lost everything, not yet, there were still some things in this life that mattered.
I shuffled my food around on my plate a bit hoping to make it look as though some of it had been eaten before I heard Gaara command me in his no-nonsense, I will hurt you if you disobey voice, "Eat." I looked up to see that both him and Shikamaru where staring calmly at me, the eyes softened by empathy but still determined and I knew I had been somewhat silly to try and use that trick on them.
I speared a piece of duck in plum sauce on the end on my fork and bit half of it off whilst glaring challengingly at Gaara and he simply smirked softly at me. My stomach twisted oddly and I looked back down at my plate as I slumped in my seat a little more, Gaara's smirk had reminded me of the way Sasuke used to smirk as he said, 'I win, moron'. I wondered what Gaara thought he had won, whether it was simply managing to get me to eat something or if it was more, managing to get an actual reaction out of me rather than a faked one.
After a few more nibbles of my food I started to realize just how hungry I was and the bites gradually got bigger, I knew I would regret it later but for now I simply thought to myself that it wasn't as if I had much of a choice so I might as well enjoy it. Before I knew it my plate was empty and I found myself blinking stupidly at it as though I couldn't quite believe I had just consumed all of that food and there had to be some sort of trick. No such luck however, my stomach gurgled happily despite the fact that the idea of all that food lodged there, slowly dissolving in stomach acids made me feel faintly sick again.
Shikamaru took it upon himself to take our dishes back through into the kitchen to be washed later and I sat quietly next to Gaara's solid presence, a new sensation filling my stomach as I wondered what would happen now, whether I could relax or whether they were going to question me, force me to talk.
The television screen flickered peacefully, the sitcom had finished a little while ago and a soap opera had replaced it, I found myself thinking that if life were truly like a soap opera then we would all be complete wrecks what with deaths and murders every other day, at least five people getting cancer or other such terminal diseases not to\ mention the constant lying and cheating. Life was pretty shitty but it wasn't quite as ridiculously dramatic as that, at least not every day anyway.
Shikamaru came back into the living room then and sat back down next to me, causing the return of my nerves. It was only slightly alleviated by the sudden realization that really I had become quite adept at distracting myself from whatever issue was bothering me at the time. It felt like a twisted sort of accomplishment in a way, maybe I could simply avoid everything till I died and then I wouldn't have to worry about anything anyway, I knew I was being ridiculous but a guy could dream.
Vaguely I sensed my friends exchange a look over my head (I had sunk slowly lower in my seat as the night had wore on) and I tensed up in expectation of their assault to make me talk. I wondered if the fact that I was suddenly just as quiet as them when I don't think I had ever really managed to be quiet in my life, had them worrying even more but I couldn't seem to make my vocal chords work. I didn't want them to worry but suddenly my barriers were getting harder to hold up and I couldn't find the will to pretend to them.
However rather than anything verbal I felt Gaara's arm slip around my shoulders, encouraging me to lie down so that my head would rest on his lap and my feet on Shikamaru's. My gaze flickered uncertainly between them as if I could understand what was going on in their minds simply by looking at their faces but they only smiled reassuringly.
"You should get some sleep Naruto," Shikamaru said, really I should have known they weren't the type to force me to talk if I wasn't ready but talking about everything had become my biggest fear over the past few months so it was natural I would fear that from them the most.
Feeling safer than I had in a while knowing that with the two of them there the thoughts that usually plagued when I attempted to sleep might quieten down a bit, I lifted my feet from the floor to rest on Shikamaru's legs as my head dropped down onto Gaara's lap. Neither of them could really replace Sasuke, no-one could, but they were damn good friends and as my eyes slipped closed I felt a wash of gratitude flow through me, diluting the bitterness that usually lay stagnant in my veins.
I fell asleep surprisingly quickly, my last thought on whether Sasuke would be glad that I still had people that cared about me enough to\make sure I was okay even if he wasn't there to do it himself.
It didn't last long though, what must have been only a few hours later I woke to the feeling of arms wrapped around me and tears slipping down my face, the pain in my chest that I had almost grown accustomed to was sharper than ever as I drew in ragged breaths. I opened my eyes to the sight of concerned green eyes hovering above me and equally concerned brown eyes to my side. It was Gaara's arms that were wrapped around me, his hand rubbing in soothing circular motions on my back, Shikamaru was crouched by the sofa, his hand resting gently on my arm.
My breathing quickly escalated to hyperventilation as the tears increased, sobs shaking my frame.
I had dreamt. I had dreamt Sasuke was alive but had looked at me with sad eyes and told me that he couldn't be there with me, he had to leave me. I had begged him not to, not to leave me alone but he had only stood there silently, looking at me with those sad eyes that seemed to beg as well, 'Please understand.'
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I couldn't understand anything.
I had never felt pain like it, I had been too young to fully comprehend the loss of my parents and though I had felt a million small losses and rejections over the years between then and now, none of it compared to this. It felt like half of me had been ripped away, half of my heart and half of my soul. My chest was constricted, my stomach threatened rebellion and the sharp ache that focused itself somewhere above my breastbone intensified till it seemed to consume everything that constituted Naruto Uzumaki, pain was the only thing that existed in those moments.
I was vaguely aware that Gaara and Shikamaru were still attempting to comfort me, to calm me down, muttering small things as they both held onto me but it only managed to brush the edge of my consciousness before dissipating in the turmoil of my mind so that I couldn't make any sense of it.
All I could think of was the fleeting moments of happiness I had felt in the dream when Sasuke had been alive, even if I couldn't have him with me, at least he was alive. Then the moments afterwards, the moments of utter despair as I had slowly woken up, becoming aware that it had all been a dream, that Sasuke was in fact dead before I had even been aware of my surroundings.
It was a while before my sobs subsided into small hiccoughs and I found I was clinging to my friends, who had tears streaming down there own faces despite their usual stoic attitudes, as if my life depended on it. Maybe it did.
~&~
Things didn't change all that much after that night,\my barriers stayed up and I carried on pretending everything was okay for the large part although there were always more chinks and flaws when I was around Gaara or Shikamaru, especially with both at the same time. I made sure to keep up to date with how Sakura was doing whether I got the information from her own mouth or from someone else, I still cared about her a great deal and she probably came closest to understanding what losing Sasuke really meant in that she had known him almost as long as I had.
I still found myself becoming unsure of how to talk to her now though, it was upsetting and I think it was for her as well but I came to understand that maybe we just needed some time separate from each other to deal with our grief in our own way before being able to deal with each others grief.
Some days we all spent together, soaking up the vestiges of summer before we had to return to school, those days it was always easy to pretend. With six people to the group the focus was always diluted and any odd behaviour on my part was relatively easily ignored in the face of other distractions. When nobody was paying particular attention to me I would watch them each in turn, noting any changes in themselves or the way that they interacted with each other.
It was my way of caring at a time when I wasn't actually capable of offering them any real help, I noticed how Sakura had become withdrawn but responded positively when our friends spoke to her and though she had bags under her eyes I pleased to see that generally she seemed healthy. I also noticed that Kiba and Hinata had grown extremely close, unspoken words passing between them frequently and it made my eyes glitter with something other than sadness for a few moments each time I thought about how perfect they were for each other.
Neji, surprisingly had become more open with himself, I could remember when I had first met him and thought he was utterly stuck up, it had taken a while to get him to loosen up a bit but I had managed. Now though, he was barely recognizable from what he was once like and I wondered whether Sasuke's death had made him want to savour things that little bit more to get the most out of his life and show the people he cared about just how much he cared before he wouldn't have the chance anymore.
I almost envied him, it sounded sensible and somewhat reminiscent of the optimistic attitude I used to have but the feeling of it never quite reached me, the thought remained cold and sterile to languish in the depths of my consciousness along with the knowledge that Sasuke's death wasn't my fault. It was something I knew but didn't really understand like some strange scientific equation that I was simply supposed to take at face value without anyone ever having explained what it meant or why it was true.
Everything had changed and I wasn't quite sure where I was supposed to fit in with this new world that had no Sasuke in it. I tried telling myself that I was just being a pathetic whiny baby, that others had suffered so much more than I ever had but it never quite worked, I still felt impossibly out of place and alone even when I had people around me.
It wasn't all that long before only one night stood between myself and the beginning of school.
~&~
I didn't sleep, I had expected it really, knowing that with the prospect of facing all those people would set my brain whirring with anxiety and stop me from being able to relax long enough to fall asleep. Shikamaru had called earlier to check up on me though he didn't say specifically that that was what he was doing, we spoke briefly about going back to school, the classes that we had now that we were doing A-levels and various other small inane little topics that were somehow comforting all the same.
As long as I could view school in terms of what I would have to do, the classes I would go to and the things I would learn, the books I would read and the work, I could almost ignore the fact that there would be anyone else there at all. I made a brief attempt at getting ahead by starting on my English text, Shakespeare's Hamlet, but it wasn't long before restlessness had pulled me away from it. It didn't really help either that English had been Sasuke's best subject and that he had always liked Shakespeare.
I moved from room to room in my little apartment as the sun sank below the horizon, every inch of it frustratingly familiar, reminding me that this was in fat my life. I had bought the place when I turned sixteen, I had been in foster homes before that but thankfully my parents had at least behind some money, allowing me support myself though I did work sometimes during the year as it wasn't enough that I could live on the funds indefinitely. My last job had been at a bookstore over Christmas, after the busy season though they hadn't needed quite as many employees and knowing that the others I worked with needed it more than I did I had quit, or volunteered to be fired depending on which way you looked at it.
Sasuke had scoffed at me for being so soft but the small smile that lingered at the corners of his lips said something else entirely.
Realising that my thoughts had yet again wandered back to him, I kicked the wall nearest to me out of irritation. The restlessness was still there, like a swarm of bugs crawling just beneath my skin it made me itch but however much I scratched at my skin the feeling remained. I had ended up in the kitchen by this point and I could see how messy it had become again, I hadn't really had any energy to deal with it and plates and bowls full of half eaten food lay around on the surfaces, some not touched at all from the times when I had decided I should probably eat but then couldn't bring myself to when it was done.
I lashed out again, this time twisting to kick the cabinets on my left, my fists clenched at my sides and my chest constricted as always with equal measures of pain and anger. I hadn't thought I had really put that much force into it but it made everything rattle slightly and a half empty glass of stagnant water shifted in its precarious position on the edge of the counter and tumbled to the floor.
It shattered on impact, various chunks and slivers of glass shooting in different directions and I merely stood staring at the broken mess it suddenly made as if fascinated. It was a moment before I sighed and crouched down to start picking the pieces up so as to put them in the bin, I should probably get out the brush and dustpan to collect up all the little pieces in case I step on them with bare feet at some point.
I didn't though, fiddling with the pieces of glass that I held in my hands instead, keeping my fingers just shy of the jagged edges. A thought occurred to me, an idea of sorts and I tried to push it away because I just knew that as soon as I acknowledged it I would have crossed some strange invisible line in my mind that I wasn't sure I wanted to ever cross at all because there was no coming back from it.
My vision became unfocused as I twisted a small sliver of glass between my fingers over and over again. Don't do this, the sensible part of my brain yelled, but the other part of me, the part that whispered to me in the darkness and only seemed to get stronger and stronger as the days passed whispered, what would it matter if you did? People don't have to know and it will be so beautifully relieving, you deserve to feel pain after all and the balance is so achingly perfect, the physical scars to match up to the mental ones.
I shook my head to try and clear away the thoughts and with jerky but determined movements I slammed the piece of glass on the counter beside me as I straightened up, deciding that I could leave the mess to clear up tomorrow. I walked out of the room, my jaw set stubbornly as I refused to acknowledge how my fingertips had lingered over the glass as I walked away.
When I came back into the living room I felt like I had left my mind back in the kitchen, a pounding sensation grew at my temples and I rubbed furiously at them to try and dispel the impending headache. I knew these headaches by now, they were the ones that felt like my entire head was being under so much pressure that any moment it could implode as if I were in reality at the bottom of an ocean somewhere and the weight of all the water was pressing in on me from all sides.
I flopped down onto sofa and switched the small television on but found I couldn't lose myself in the blissful numbness of asinine plotlines and adverts like I did most days. Instead all I could think about was the temptation of escape, respite, even if it only lasted a second, I wanted it so badly I could taste it. It was wrong and it scared me a little but in a way that made me more excited as well, I was already on the path to hell so why not go all out? I wanted to punish myself but at the same time I wanted to make things a little better and a little more bearable for myself, it was a twisted sense of logic but part of me was screaming, fuck it! Fuck the world, fuck everything!
I barely even registered that I had already moved from the living room and back into the kitchen. Decisively I picked up the piece of glass from the counter-top, grabbed a piece of kitchen-towel too so that I wouldn't make a mess and went to the opposite end of my apartment to my bedroom, quickly settling cross-legged onto my bed.
I got that detached feeling once again, as if I was for all intensive purposes hovering above my body and merely watching myself as I slid the sharp edge of the glass hesitantly across the smooth skin on the inside of my lower arm.
It was quite shallow, the first one, little more than a scratch but the sight of the slowly welling blood against my skin scaring me as it probably should have, it only served to make a strange eagerness well up inside me parallel to it. The second cut was swifter, more decisive, deeper.
I was right, the brief sting of pain and the sight of my own blood dripping down my arm brought with it a hollow sort of numbness, a complete lack of feeling. The storm of pain that had been ripping me apart inside was suddenly absent and my mind utterly blank.
I found myself half-smirking in a dark, evil way, the voice I had grown slowly accustomed to in the back of my mind whispered just one small thing.
Feed the darkness.
A sick kind of glee rooted itself in the depths of my stomach, I remembered how I had been before Sasuke's death, the optimism and persistent, stubborn happiness with which I faced life even when things made me sad as I ran the glass across my skin again and again. I wanted to tear that person apart, everything I had been I wanted to destroy till there was no trace of it left.
I spent the rest of the night curled up on my side on my bed with my cut arm cradled with the other, a bloodied tissue wrapped loosely around it, staring into space as the time ticked by bringing with it the day when I would have to really face the world again.
Hours before I would have to be at school a fit of restlessness moved me from my place on the bed, making me move around the my apartment getting ready. I had already got most of my stuff together from times when I needed something to do so I found myself with not much to do but I managed to stretch it out somehow. After having scrubbed every inch of my skin in the shower I spent a good half hour getting dressed, changing my mind frequently and then getting completely sidetracked by organising my wardrobe and doing my laundry.
There was a certain amount of comfort in the menial tasks that I usually found too much of a waste of time when there were usually more interesting things I could find to do, maybe that was the point though, other things no longer held my attention. It was only 6am by the time I was ready, my bag packed and its contents checked several times over, my hair as tamed as it was ever going to be and my clothes oddly neat and smart.
I hardly recognised myself.
My fingers drummed nervously against my thigh, a flashy cartoon flickered silently on the television screen, I had pressed mute when the bright happy sounds started to irritate me. I stared out of the window and considered making myself something to eat, my stomach was starting to give me sharp pains as often happened when I hadn't slept the night before, I figured it had something to do with the interruption of my body's natural cycles. Although it may have been more to do with how little I was eating.
I grabbed the television remote suddenly and switched it off as I dug around in my bag for my mp3 player, I'd been listening to it more and more as the days went by, happy to shut out the world for a little while and my ears had become accustomed to the increasingly loud music. I jammed in the earphones and started pacing up and down, my fingers twitching unconsciously to the beat of the music, occasionally I would sing along with it and I could feel myself relaxing.
The music was cathartic, increasingly I found myself listening to darker songs, heavy metal and rock that echoed my feelings but rather than making me depressed it made me feel more capable of facing things and most importantly, people. It made me feel like it didn't matter so much what others thought of me, that I could do whatever it took to stay sane without any feelings of reprise or guilt.
The time went past quicker then, slipping through my fingers so that it seemed like only a few seconds had passed when I looked at the clock on the wall and realised that I had to be going. With a few short scuffling steps I had picked up my bag from its place on the floor, quickly checked again that I had everything that I needed and made my way out of the apartment.
The sun outside was bright but a cold wind signalled summer was passing and autumn taking its place. I shifted my bag strap higher on my shoulder and dug my hands into my pockets as I followed the familiar path to school.
Walking into school was every bit as awful as I had imagined it to be, nervousness gripped me though I tried to hide and I was suddenly extremely glad I had decided to forego eating again that morning because my stomach was in so many knots I had to wonder whether it was trying to make its way out of my body via my throat. My heart beat unsteadily and my palms were sweaty, I kept my eyes on the floor as my mind cruelly played through images of being in school with Sasuke.
I could feel the gazes of staff and students alike as I passed through the halls towards the sixth form common room though my music drowned out any whispers. I wondered vaguely if my friends had or were going to suffer similar treatment when they arrived in school. Probably, after all that what high school is all about, the gossip and isn't death just the juiciest gossip there is.
I tried to ignore it, told myself it didn't matter, that I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of breaking down, of showing weakness but I could already feel it chipping away at my walls.
Thankfully I had at least one of my friends in all of my classes and though I still hadn't really opened up to any of them other than Gaara and Shikamaru, it was nice to have them there to share the experience with. As long as I could talk to one of my friends then I could almost pretend other people didn't exist, I could almost pretend that every time someone I barely knew came up to any of us to say they were sorry and ask questions I didn't feel like standing up and screaming at everyone to leave us the fuck alone.
By end of the day I felt like I had aged a hundred years and I was surprised to realise that the whole day had been a weird sort of blur. I sighed as I opened the door to my apartment, shaking of the paranoid feeling that there were still people watching my every movement, waiting for the cracks to show. My bag slipped from my shoulder and the fleeting thought that I would at least have school work to occupy and distract me now passed through my mind as I moved to the living room and collapsed on the sofa, falling asleep almost immediately.
~&~
As the days passed I got used to the occasional mutterings at school, the odd looks that would be tossed my way when I would in on myself in between classes, staring into space and using earphones to block out the noise of the world. Amidst my friends I was either ridiculously chirpy, though still a pale imitation of the bubbly person I used to be, or virtually silent.
Days continued to drift by, out of my control and I found myself thinking more and more often as the pain refused to dim about finishing it all. My cutting got worse, soon my arms were covered in angry red scabs overlapping pink scars, sometimes I tried to stop, even managing to go a couple of weeks before my resolve broke. A couple of months after I started on the anniversary of Sasuke's death that I thought about each months that passed, I went into the local chemists and bought a pack of cheap razors.
The cuts got deeper after that, the blood would run freely down my arms, my hands and fingers becoming cold and numb as the razor blades slid across my skin. I kept my supply in my school bag, strangely unwilling to be parted from it during the day though I never cut in school. It was my safety net.
I knew my friends suspected I was still depressed but I managed to maintain enough of a façade that they rarely bothered me about it by the time six months had passed, either they were starting to believe I really was getting better or they had all but given up trying to get through to me. I still ate little and insomnia had thoroughly taken hold but it wasn't as extreme as it had been in the first few months.
Oddly though, that only scared me more, I didn't want to move on or get better because it felt like I would be leaving Sasuke behind if I did that, I didn't want to talk because it would feel like I was admitting he wasn't ever coming back. Sometimes I wondered if I should, if it would stop the pressure in my head when I couldn't stop the thoughts that bombarded me, taunting me, torturing me but whenever I came close to lowering my guards slightly, something unnameable would always pull me back. I was scared, no, I was terrified and that wasn't something I was accustomed to.
Before I had always been the one to face things head on, to refuse to be scared of anything, I was Uzumaki Naruto and there was no challenge I couldn't overcome. Now I only laughed bitterly when I thought of how I used to be as I lay huddled in the dark of my apartment, my fingers twitching for the release of my razor blade.
I missed Sasuke. Missed him so much it was a constant ache that sucked away any hint of light, a black hole that had lodged itself in the middle of my chest.
Sometimes I hated him, hated him so much that I wished he'd never been born, that I had never met him. Other time I would be begging for him to come back as I sobbed out my broken heart.
I wondered if anything would ever be okay ever again and found that I couldn't imagine that it would be, after all he was never coming back so how could things ever be right again?
When I couldn't block the thoughts in my mind, the memories, I slowly started to realise how much Sasuke had really meant to me, still meant to me. We were rivals and best friends, I had always known that but we were more than that as well, he was my anchor, my precious person. I relied on him so much that without him I didn't know what to do with myself, it was like he was the other half of myself.
I loved him, I loved him so much.
When I finally admitted it to myself in the middle of the night, almost a year since he had died I sobbed for hours and in my desperation cut deeper than I ever had, on my arms, even on my legs, everywhere I could reach. I knew I should have been worried about the amount of blood I was loosing but I carried on anyway, choking on tears and wondering, half scared, half hopeful that maybe this would be it, maybe I could be with him again this way.
My body got cold, my bed sheets were stained crimson red and as numbness took me and the flow of tears slowed the thought flashed through my mind of how this would hurt my friends who had already lost so much, the image of Sakura crying as she had at Sasuke's funeral followed by the image of Sasuke himself telling me how stupid I was being if he could see me now.
My heart thumped painfully and gripped by a different sort of desperation now I fumbled around in my bag that lay by the side of my bed for my phone. My arms burned as I lifted it out and tried to find Gaara's number with numb fingers.
"Gaara?" I breathed when he picked up, finding myself ridiculously glad that he hardly ever slept.
"Naruto?" the concern in his usually bland voice made me choke on tears again.
"I did something stupid," I whispered through my tears.
"I'm on my way,"
~&~
I woke up later in a hospital bed, my arms bandaged and a heart-rate monitor beeping steadily next to me. I blinked trying to bring my surroundings into focus, the last thing I remembered was Gaara bending over me, yelling my name, glancing to my side I saw that he was slumped in the chair next to my bed.
He looked up sharply when I shifted, his eyes locking onto mine as I winced slightly when I felt the bandages around my arms and legs rub against the cuts, the worry in them was clear and I found the pain I felt, physical and mental, get pushed aside suddenly by an onslaught of guilt. I shouldn't have put him through something like that, what was I thinking? I dropped my eyes, my cheeks already colouring with shame.
"I'm sorry," I muttered
"Okay," he replied and I found myself able to look at him again, searching his face for signs of the disappointment that I was so scared of finding only to see calm acceptance. I sighed quietly, grateful that Gaara had that canny ability to make me feel more at ease.
I looked around the room then, there were a few other beds, one person at the far end talking to a nurse, another person asleep, the other beds were empty. My eyes shifted back to Gaara,
"What time is it?" I asked, having noticed that the sky outside was almost pitch black.
"9, I sent the others to get some food at the cafeteria, the doctor didn't think you would wake up for another couple of hours."
"I was out the whole day?"
"Yeah, they gave you some pain medication,"
"Oh. Are the others alright? I mean I didn't want to upset people, I'm sorry, really I am I just.."
"Naruto, its fine, we knew you weren't okay, its our fault for not forcing you to get help, the others are just worried about you, they'll be back soon. Just relax, you've only just woken up, you'll probably be sore for a little while still,"
"Okay," I said, I dropped my head back to rest comfortably on my pillow as I stared at the ceiling wondering what the hell would happen now. It was only a few minutes later that I heard the hushed voices of my other friends before they came through the doorway of the room, I stared at them as they talked to each other, their hands laden with assorted packaged food.
It was Sakura who looked up at me first, she looked startled as I smiled hesitantly at her in a poor attempt at reassurance.
"Naruto?" she whispered, causing everyone else's eyes to snap sharply in my direction, I felt my cheeks warm again under their scrutiny, aware of how worried they all looked. This time the ache in my chest came only from regret and gratitude that I had friends who obviously cared so much about me.
Sakura was running then, covering the distance in seconds with the others close behind, she looked like she wanted to throw her arms around me when she came up beside my bed but hesitated, glancing at my bandaged arms that lay atop the crisp white bed sheets. She settled for tucking my wayward blonde bangs behind my ear instead with a teary smile and I found my own eyes tearing up in response. It seemed like such a long time since I had really seen her, actually focused on her instead of only the pain I was feeling.
"I'm so glad you're okay Naruto," she whispered, tears finally spilling over, the others hung back slightly, respecting the moment between us though I could see how relieved they all were. I opened my mouth to say something but only managed a shuddering breath before the tears fell down my face, a small strangled sound making its way from my throat.
"I-I'm sorry, so sor-sorry.." Sakura did wrap her arms around me then, her wet cheek against mine though she kept herself from touching my arms somehow. I could see Hinata crying as Kiba wrapped his arms around her waist, his own eyes shiny, Neji and Shikamaru stood beside Gaara, small caring smiles playing along their lips.
I squeezed my eyes shut as my body shook slightly, wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve friends like this. Sakura muttered disjointed words of comfort in my ear and the heart rate monitor continued to beep.
~&~
They kept me in for three days after that and I had a psychological evaluation, I finally started to open up and they released me on the basis that I would continue to get counselling. I told Gaara where my razors all were when I got back home and we got rid of them, I felt a mixture of release and fear when I did. Release because I realised how much having them there had actually weighed on me but fear because I had relied on them for a long time and I wasn't sure how to adapt to not having that promise of escape.
I told myself it was an illusion though, that idea of escape, cutting had only sunk me further into darkness, it hadn't given me any sort of freedom, it was all in my mind and I was hurting both myself and more importantly, as far as I was concerned, the people that I cared about.
I took some time off school after that and for once allowed the thoughts that I had tried to escape for so long, come. I forced myself to eat even when the idea still disgusted me a little and that feeling began to fade, I understood that things would never be the same with Sasuke gone but I told myself that if I truly loved him I wouldn't destroy myself over him.
If he couldn't be alive and achieve all the things he should have, experience all the things he should have, I would simply have to do it for him, I had to get better for both of our sakes.
One or another of my friends visited everyday, sometimes all at once and gave me the work I missed in school, I didn't take too much time off though, only a little over a week. I felt a similar fear to when I had come back after Sasuke's death that I did now coming back after what I had started to my 'little breakdown' but I made sure I was with one of my friends at all times and that helped a lot.
The pain was still there, I still missed Sasuke and I regretted never getting the chance to truly love him and find out if he loved me back but I started to feel like I didn't have to punish myself over it anymore.
On the 1 year anniversary we all went to where Sasuke's ashes had been interned with those of his parents, it was nice in an odd way, each of us stood together for a little while, thinking, maybe praying.
My mind was strangely calm, I had just one thought, 'I miss you, teme but I think I'm going to be okay now, I'm going to carry on living if only to carry on loving you.'
Afterwards we drove to a secluded little park we used to go to when we were younger and walked around for a bit just talking.
~&~
It was almost a year and a half later that I got the letter. I woke up groggy, my sleeping patterns still not entirely back to normal, the sunlight filtered in through my thin curtains and I kicked off my blankets that had tangled around my legs. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table, noting that it was already 10, it was a Saturday so I had slept in for a bit. I scratched absently at my stomach as I considered the amount of work I had to do for school, thoughts of Sasuke lingered as always at the edge of my consciousness but they didn't inflict as much pain on me as they used to.
Hearing my stomach gurgle a little I swung my legs onto the floor, jumping up to make my way into my kitchen. I rooted around briefly in the cereal cupboard but found that I felt like something savoury and headed for a pack of ramen instead.
A few minutes later I was holding my bowl of ramen carefully with a tea-towel, trying not to spill anything as I walked through to the living room, I passed through the hallway and noticed a small pile of letters on the mat by the door so decided to set my food down in the living room before returning to collect them, figuring that I could flick through them as I ate.
I flopped down on the sofa with my legs tucked beneath me and switched the television over to a music channel, eagerly digging into my ramen. As I ate with one hand I used the other to look quickly at my mail, the first turned out to be junk, the second seemed to be a statement from my bank but it was the third that made me freeze.
Only my name was written on the front, suggesting it was hand delivered, that wasn't what made my heart pound painfully in my chest though. No, that was caused by the terrifying fact that the handwriting was horribly familiar.
Sasuke…
Lowering my bowl to the table beside me with a shaky grip that had some of it spilling over onto my sofa, I brought the crisp white envelope closer to my face as if to scrutinise it. When I had it gripped in both hands, I merely stared for a few minutes, my eyes tracing the curves of my name written in that handwriting.
I blinked and seemed to break out of the weird trance I had been in, immediately turning it over and ripping it open. My heart beat so fast I thought it might jump out of my throat as I unfolded the paper, what kind of sick joke is this?
Naruto,
Don't freak out. I never spoke to you much about the murder of my parents or the disappearance of my brother though I know you suspected the connection after the police investigation. You were right, it was my brother who killed them, I know because I saw him do it. I wasn't supposed to survive that night but I did, I locked myself in a room and phoned the police but when Itachi realised what I had done he fled before they arrived to catch him. Together with the police I've spent years searching for him, almost two years ago now we got a lead. He was hiding out with a friend called Kisame in London but in discovering him we also alerted him and through various sources it became clear that he had decided as he could no longer avoid me, he was going to finish what he started instead.
I wanted to tell you but the police seemed to think it better that the fewer people knew, the safer I would be and my friends would be. They were the one's who set up the fire and made sure that everybody believed I died in it, there was never any body though, that's why they didn't give you the option of having the ashes released to you, they didn't exist.
Naruto, I'm not dead, I've been in witness protection but Itachi's been captured, along with Kisame and I'm allowed to resume my life, I can come back now.
I'm sorry I left, I had no choice.
Sasuke
P.S Open your door.
Pain so crippling the edges of my vision darkened shot through me, I felt like I was going to explode, it can't be true, it can't be, I spent so long denying he was dead and I'm only just coming to accept it, I'm getting better, I know I am, why am I suddenly having delusions like this?
I couldn't breathe, against my will tears slipped down my face, this is just some cruel joke, I refuse to let myself hope, not after I spent so long coming to terms with everything.
But I couldn't help myself, I had to see, my mind suddenly blank with fear my shaking limbs lifted me from the sofa and carried me through to stand in front of my door. I had a sudden flashback of opening the door to a policeman so many months ago now.
That's the truth, I yelled at myself in my mind, the truth is that Sasuke's dead no matter what kind of weird episode or dream you're having, you're going to wake up and realise that any moment now.
Hardly realising what I was doing my hand was already on the doorknob, twisting it, opening the door slowly. The sun slipped in through the widening crack and the regular view of the street I lived on revealed itself.
Sasuke wasn't there. Of course he isn't you stupid, stupid, stupid-
"Dobe," a figure shifted from the side, my eyes were so wide I thought they would fall out, I trembled all over and my insides quivered like I was going to throw up.
Oh god, its him, its him, what the hell is this?
I squeezed my eyes shut, already hyperventilating.
"I'm going to wake up, any minute now I'm going to wake up, this is just my head being fucked up, it's not real, its not real, its not real!" I told myself getting more and more hysterical.
"Naruto, Naruto! Calm down! I told you, the letter explained everything, its not in your head I swear, just calm down. Dammit, breathe dobe!" I felt a hand on my arm, holding on firmly but gently and my eyes shot open, locking with brown eyes so dark they almost seemed black.
Then I fainted.
~&~
When I woke up goodness knows how long after I bolted upright, my breathing starting to race again, I was back in my apartment on my sofa, I felt absolutely terrified as my eyes shifted to the side to fall upon a figure so achingly familiar. In sharp movements I scrambled backwards, huddling in the corner of the sofa as I looked at him with a wide-eyed, frightened, hopeful gaze.
"Naruto, just listen okay?" my pounding heart made speech impossible but I managed a small nod towards the impersonator, or delusion, whatever he was, "This is real, I didn't die, I've been living somewhere else under a false name for the past year and a half. I really was in witness protection, you can talk to the police if you want, they wanted to do this themselves to let you have some time to get used to it and that's what they're doing for everyone else but I managed to convince them to let me talk to you. I thought you would be able to cope," he sighed and I almost crumpled again, everything about him screamed to me of memories I had tried to ignore for my own sanity. How can this be happening?
"N-no.." I protested shakily, my voice sounding strangled, "Sasuke died, I didn't want to believe it but I know its true now, I kn-know, shit, what the hell is this?" I buried my head in my hands, tears slipping down my face, my breathing still ragged, "I thought I was getting better and now this? If I'm having hallucinations they're going to put me on more medication, they might lock me up, everyone will be worried. I made them believe I was starting to fix things, shit, shit, shit!" I said, trying to pretend I wasn't seeing Sasuke sitting just a few feet from me on the edge of the coffee table. I chuckled bitterly, "I've finally fucking cracked,"
"Naruto, for god's sake listen to me!"
"No, you're not real, just go away and leave me the hell alone!" I yelled, my fingers digging into my scalp, tugging at my hair as I felt them start to twitch with the need for a razor that I thought I had left behind. I felt hands wrap around my wrists and the sofa shift slightly with extra weight, my arms were pulled away from my face but I refused to open my eyes.
"Naruto…"
"No, please just stop," I was sobbing now, my whole body trembling violently, "Please, please don't do this to me, I can't deal with this, I don't want you here when you're only going to leave me again. I can't take it, its exactly the same as those dreams, the dreams when you never died but I always wake up and realise you're not coming back. You're not coming back…" I stiffened suddenly as hands left my wrists a split second before I felt arms wrap around me, a warm body and a torturously familiar smell overwhelming me.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have a choice, I'm sorry." I laughed bitterly then,
"You really can't be Sasuke, he would never apologise and he would never hug me,"
"Some things need to be apologised for, and I-I've missed you," I felt the imitation-Sasuke mumble into my shoulder, "I realised a while ago that I've never hugged you, I just wanted to for once,"
"Yeah, definitely not Sasuke," I sighed, "but a good dream nonetheless,"
"Hn, dobe" I choked on a half-sob, half-laugh.
"That's a little more like him," suddenly I brought my arms up to return the hug, burying my face in the crook of dream-Sasuke's neck, "I hope I never wake up," I muttered. Dream-Sasuke didn't seem to happy about me saying that however, drawing back sharply to look at me, silently I lifted a hand to trace the features I had once had a nightmare about forgetting.
"What's it going to take to convince you I'm real?!"
"Of course you're not real, I'm not sure I mind though now, I know I'll pay for this when I wake up, I'll have to call Gaara so I don't get tempted to cut-" I said but he cut me off.
"What do you mean cut?! Naruto, what the hell have you been doing?" I frowned,
"Nothing, this is my dream, I don't want to talk about it," but he was already grabbing one of my arms, roughly pushing up the long sleeve of my pyjama top, I tried to pull back but his grip on my wrist was like a vice. He stared for long moments at the scars before pulling up the sleeve of my other arm as well, I squirmed feeling uncomfortable and wondering why the dream was turning out to be so weird, maybe this was some guilt thing.
The imitation-Sasuke looked up then, his mouth set in a firm line and nothing but pain and guilt reflected in his eyes, he opened his mouth briefly as if trying to say something but nothing came out. I yanked my arms back then, a frown marring my face.
"Just leave it, I deal with it enough when I'm awake, can't you just stay with me till I wake up?" I pleaded, watching as his face clouded over before he nodded briefly, I smiled a little, "Good."
I wrapped my arms back around him then, I could have kicked myself for thinking this might have been real before but I thought as comforting arms held me, that I might as well make the most of the dream because I doubted I'd ever had one so strong before now.
I lay back down on the sofa, Dream-Sasuke with me, and held him as close to me as I physically could. After a while one of his hands hesitantly came up to trail through my hair, I smiled into his chest and sighed, half in happiness and half in regret that I would soon lose this.
"Bye Sasuke," I muttered, "I'll miss you when you're gone again," I whispered, feeling myself slip away.
"I'll still be here when you wake up Naruto," he replied and I smiled bitterly knowing it was a lie but appreciating the sentiment from this dream-Sasuke all the same.
~&~
What seemed like only seconds later I felt the darkness and lethargy in my mind slowly dissipate, memories flashed through my mind and I squeezed my eyes together tightly, trying to stem the flow of tears, I hated that I had come to cry so much since Sasuke's death but I didn't quite manage to stop myself.
I shifted slightly against my warm cushions but froze when I realised my pillows weren't quite as soft and squishy as they usually were. In fact it felt like there were arms wrapped around my waist as well, did Gaara stay over last night?
Fearfully I opened my eyes and slowly turned around only to come face to face with Sasuke, blinking sleepily and looking at me with concern.
I yelped and jumped up, realising now that I had been on the sofa, which of course meant that as soon as I did jump back, I immediately tripped over the coffee table and fell on my ass.
I blinked but Sasuke was still there, I blinked again, nope, he's not disappearing.
"Naruto?" he asked, I blinked once more, three times is the charm right? Only he stayed there, very solid and very real, I suddenly wondered just how insane I must be, was everything a hallucination now? Maybe in reality I was in some padded white cell somewhere, maybe Gaara had been too late that night I thought I almost died. "Naruto?"
"Sasuke?" I squeaked
"Yeah, I'm still here see? I'm real, not a dream, remember the letter? I explained about being in witness protection?" he looked at me with a seriously worried expression, his tone gentle as if he were trying to talk someone down from jumping off the ledge of a very, very, high building.
"You-you're real?" why was my voice still so damn squeaky?!
"Yeah, this is real, I'm really here okay? I'm not dead," he held out a hand towards me and I shakily took it, allowing him to pull me up from the floor back onto the sofa. I sat down, slumping against the arm rest looking at him warily.
"You didn't die?"
"No, I didn't," my head buzzed and then without warning I pulled back my fist and punched him on the jaw, hard.
"What the fuck? Naruto!"
"That's for leaving me you bastard! I can't fucking believe this! Witness protection, all this time I thought you were dead and you were in damn witness protection!" I was pacing up and down the living room now, yelling at him, all the anger I had felt spilling over now that it had a real target. "You didn't have to fucking pretend to die teme!"
"We thought it was the safest option!" he answered, his own temper rising to match my own.
"Safest option huh? Did you stop to think at all about how I would feel, I've been through fucking hell! You've got no fucking idea! I almost died, as in actually dead not pretend!" I ranted only stopping when hands gripped my arms, dark eyes alight with anger boring into mine as I stared defiantly back.
"What?" he hissed
"Yeah, that's right! You were fucking fine and dandy to go off and play dead weren't you, only now do you start thinking about the consequences! I almost fucking killed myself over you though I've no goddamn idea why, you're such a bastard!"
"Talk. Now." my anger suddenly got swallowed up with nervousness as I met his gaze and realised just how much pain and anger swirled in the depths of those eyes, his jaw twitched with the force he was gritting his teeth with. I sighed, the fight going out of me so quickly it was as if it had never been there.
"Just forget it, it was a stupid mistake," I eyes flickered down towards the floor as I remembered why exactly I had gone so far that night, I love him, shit, I have a second chance don't I? How many people wish for a second chance and here I am wasting mine by yelling at him.
"I will sure as hell not 'forget it', what the fuck did you do? It's those scars isn't it, the ones on your arms, you tried to slit your wrists," he accused
"No, I mean, not exactly, look it wasn't like that, I didn't just decide to kill myself, I was just cutting and it got a little out of hand, I lost a little too much blood but I called Gaara and he got me to the hospital. I've been better since then I swear, I've been seeing a counsellor, I've been dealing with it," I found myself saying. I watched as Sasuke closed his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose as he tried to calm down, it seemed to work a little as his grip on my arms loosened a bit. When he opened his eyes again his expression seemed almost unreadable and I wondered what he was thinking, if he was disappointed in me.
"Sorry," I muttered, unable to take the silence any longer, only to have my apology answered with a sharp, bitter bark of laughter.
"You're sorry? Shit Naruto, I never thought you would do something like that, I thought you'd be okay, you're the stupidly optimistic one, you were supposed to be okay." I was scared to realise then that Sasuke's voice was actually cracking, I'd only ever seen him cry once before after his parents death and he'd avoided me like the plague for a week after that before I forced him to get over himself. This wasn't exactly something I knew how to handle so I just sort of winged it. Stepping forward I curled my arms around his waist, pulling him to me.
"It doesn't matter ok?" I mumbled into his chest, a wry thought flitting through my mind about how much more intimate we seemed to have become if we could hug without feeling ridiculous and awkward though I guessed it wasn't all that unexpected given how long we had been apart and all that we had been through during that time. "It's not your fault," I continued, my hands curling into the back of his shirt, it felt so good to have him near again, there was still a part of me screaming that this was a dream, that he would leave again and I would hurt all the more but it grew quieter as more time passed and Sasuke was still here.
"Of course it is," he whispered harshly against my temple, "Naruto, I didn't…I mean I'm-"
"Forget about it I said, it doesn't matter, not now, you're here, you're real," I smiled then, more genuinely and happily than I had in so long.
"Yeah," he sighed, for a few moments there was just a comfortable silence, both of us relaxing into being around each other again before he started to speak again, "I'm not leaving," he stated in a voice laced with steel.
"I know, I know you're not a dream now, or at least I think I do," I chuckled
"That's not what I meant, I'm not leaving, ever,"
"Why Sasuke, I never knew you could be so sappy," I said though I was grinning like a love-sick fool anyway.
"Hn, moron." I felt him smile against my temple, "And you're going to tell me everything that's happened since I left as well, I want to know what the hell you've been doing to yourself so I can make it right," his smile had slipped away and I could hear the seriousness in his voice, I regretted doing what I had done now more than ever because he was obviously blaming himself over it. I pushed myself back from him slightly and stared searchingly at his face that was etched with pain and guilt.
"Sasuke, you dare blame yourself and I will kick your ass so hard you'll never be able to sit down again," I threatened, he tensed, his jaw tightening but I glared at him till he nodded sharply with a small defeated huff and surprisingly dropped his head to the crook of neck.
"I'm still going to make things right though," he breathed against my skin and I had to repeat to myself that he was my best friend, my male best friend who was most likely straight and therefore might not respond so positively if I tried to kiss him, however guilty he may feel. In fact that made it worse, I hated the idea that he might go along with something because he felt like he owed me. No, it was enough that I had him back as my friend, asking for more than that would be greedy.
~&~
The reunion with everyone else was of course extremely emotional but by the end of the day we had all been smiling so much our faces ached, even Sasuke had smiled, a sight that made my stomach churn in much more pleasant ways than it had been prone to over the last year and a half. We spent the day at my house as after that first day of finding out Sasuke was alive I had insisted he stay with me, he no longer had a house after all and though he said he wouldn't mind getting a room at a hotel, we both felt a little better knowing the other was close again.
We spent most of the day catching up and though sometimes we skirted sensitive issues we managed to fill each other in on the main events that had taken place in our lives whilst we had been apart. Sasuke told us about the work he did with the police to get Itachi and we all filled him in on the things going on in our own lives.
It was only in the small hours of the morning that everyone finally left, I had never seen Sasuke act so normal in all my life, he let people hug him and even hugged them back, I think we all just stood there gaping in shock when he and Gaara hugged, though briefly and a little stiffly, the sentiment was there.
I sighed when they were gone, rubbing my eyes that felt gritty from lack of sleep and stifling a yawn. I had been sleeping poorly again recently, scared that I would wake up and find Sasuke gone, sometimes I would even sneak into the living room where he was settled on the sofa with my bright orange sleeping bag and just watch him as he slept.
"Bed, dobe," I heard a soft voice say from behind me, I turned and smiled at my best friend, noting that he too looked a little tired, I knew from my few excursions in the middle of the night that he was a somewhat restless sleeper, I had even caught him awake a couple times.
"Yeah, you too," I chuckled, I moved past him to go and brush my teeth but was stopped by a hand on my arm, I looked up at Sasuke questioningly, "What is it?" his expression seemed unreadable again, I'd noticed that odd look of hesitancy mixed with something else I couldn't define a couple times already but I hadn't yet really confronted him about it, too many other things to think about really. After all it couldn't really mean that much could it? It was just him being his weird self.
He opened his mouth then closed it and frowned, I raised an eyebrow, waiting for a response.
"Nothing," he muttered, letting go of my arm and moving past me through to the living room.
"No, wait," this time it was me who grabbed his arm, the look on his face just then had sent sparks running through me, I had to know what he was going to say suddenly, "Tell me."
"It doesn't matter," he replied with a quick shake of his head, "I'll tell you some other time,"
"Why not now?" I asked
"You're tired, you should go to sleep," I blinked and then he had already pulled out from my grip and left me standing alone in the hallway as he shuffled about in the living room, presumably trying to find something to sleep in from the suitcase that a policeman had brought over days ago.
I stood still for a moment but my heavy eyelids convinced me that I should probably listen to Sasuke and just ask him about it tomorrow. My bed-time routine was soon completed and I sank down into the covers of my bed, ready to drift-off.
It was half an hour before I realised that though I was ridiculously tired, my curious mind simply refused to switch off, I kept thinking about what Sasuke had been about to say earlier in the hallway. With a huff of frustration I kicked off my duvet and stalked determinedly through to the living room.
"Sasuke? You awake?" I whispered into the darkness, my eyes fixed on the dark blob that was Sasuke's form on the sofa.
"Naruto?"
"Yeah,"
"What are you doing, why aren't you asleep?"
"I just couldn't," I shuffled forwards, trying to avoid tripping over anything, however this was me at the end of the day, of course I tripped and I ended up sprawled across Sasuke, looking up at his shadowed but clearly surprised and more than a little amused face. I flashed an embarrassed sort of grin, rubbing the back of my head with my hand nervously and straightened my self out so that I was perched on the edge of the sofa instead. Sasuke snorted good-naturedly.
"Your grace astounds me as always dobe," he smiled and I thwacked him lightly on the arm.
"Hell yeah I'm graceful," I grinned, enjoying the familiar banter, Sasuke laughed a little and my stomach did its weird churning thing that had been happening more and more often.
"Of course," he said sarcastically before looking at me slightly more seriously, "Why can't you sleep?" he asked, his gaze scrutinising me and I realised he had grown more protective of me upon realising how bad things had gotten for me. I had told him everything that first night, told him more than I had told anyone, at times I wanted to stop when I could see it was hurting him but he made me carry on, after that we had developed a strange closeness. Before all of this I wouldn't have believed we could have gotten closer but I had been proved utterly wrong.
"What were going to say earlier? I was wondering." I replied, noting how he tensed.
"It was nothing dobe, okay? I can't even remember what I was going to say,"
"Liar, don't think I don't know when you're trying to blow me off Sasuke, just tell me!" I huffed
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because its not a big deal!"
"Well it clearly is if you're refusing to tell me!"
"Just forget it dobe, it was absolutely nothing, let it go,"
"No, I don't think I will, its obviously important otherwise you wouldn't be putting up such a fight to hide it and I deserve to know. Just tell me!" He glared at me, "Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell m-" I was cut off suddenly by a pair of warm lips covering mine, I blinked, my shocked eyes reflected back at me in Sasuke's. They were there for only a moment and then they were gone, Sasuke leaning back into the against his pillows so that the shadows covered most of his face, hiding it from scrutiny.
"You kissed me," I stated blandly, still reeling slightly.
"Congratulations on stating the obvious dobe," and I could actually hear the eye-roll in his voice.
"That's what you wanted to say? That y-you like me?" he huffed and I took it as a yes. Warmth flooded my chest and seemed to erase any traces the black hole that had seemed to exist there when I thought Sasuke was dead. With swift movements I grabbed hold of the front of Sasuke's top and yanked him back up, meeting him halfway to crush my lips back against his.
I almost smirked at the fact that this time I managed to surprise him but I was too blissfully happy to bother as I moved my lips with his, my hands loosened their grip on his shirt, slipping around his back to pull him closer instead as his own hands gripped my waist.
His tongue darted out to brush against my lower lip and I instantly opened my lips to him, my eyes slamming shut as I took in the sensation. We clung to each other, desperate for as much contact as we could get as if to try and make up for all that time spent apart. 'I'm sorry', our kisses whispered to each other, 'I'll never leave you again',…
'I love you'.
Things weren't perfect, we were both more than a little fucked up and it would take time for us to come to terms with everything, the guilt we both felt for our respective mistakes and the fear I still felt that Sasuke would leave me. It was okay though, because at least now we had the chance to sort things out, Sasuke was alive and apparently liked me as well, I felt ridiculously lucky.
This is the longest thing I've written in a long time and certainly the longest oneshot I have posted on fanfiction, I didn't really want to split it up though, it would have felt wrong somehow. Anyway, I hope you liked it and please leave a review :) ~xx~