Oh… look whose back from the dead…
So sorry for the lack of anything from me, I just needed some time. But, thanks to Alec Lightwood, I have been inspired write a little two-shot for you.
This is set after the Jalec fight in 1x09. Honestly, I think I dislike show!Jace even more than I disliked book!Jace. But I am excited to see what the writers do with his character.
#ProtectAlecLightwood2k16
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"I don't want to be alive if we're on different sides!"
Alec didn't believe it.
He was unsure why Jace expected him to.
His words hurt him more than they probably should have. More than a strike to the chest, more than being impaled by a Ravener Demon's tail, venom seeping into his bloodstream. He felt like he was drowning. Given, he had felt this way ever since he was old enough to digest the world around him, but this was different.
Alec couldn't breathe.
The dagger still lay next to him, glowing dimly against the darkness of the night, and Alec, not for the first time, wondered what would happen if he held the blade too close to the thin blue veins that resided under the fragile skin of his wrists.
What would the world do without him? They probably wouldn't care. His parents, Isabelle, Max, they all had Jace; the seemingly perfect warrior who could do no wrong.
Jace.
Jace was the reason he was here, Jace was the one, the only human Alec ever thought cared about him. These last few days with Clary had proven him wrong. Jace didn't care about him. Maybe he never had. Maybe the last nearly ten years together meant nothing to Jace. They probably didn't.
Jace was so willing to give up everything with Alec the second he met Clary, who knows what else he was willing to give up for her. Alec had loved him, and this time, he realized, had nothing to do with him being in love with Jace, but that he loved him and cared about him, enough for Alec to get hurt from it. Jace had hurt him, had weakened their bond from the second he chose Clary over the law. That's when Alec knew Jace never really cared.
His whole life, Alec had tried to protect his family. That was the only thing that kept him alive: his family and keeping them safe. The second Clary walked into their lives she threatened everything Alec had worked so hard to protect. And the worst part was that they – Jace and Izzy – were so willing to go with her.
Isabelle had made a point to tell him that she was on his side, her words humoured him. He knew that no matter what, if Isabelle or Jace were ever faced with choosing between him and Clary, they would always choose her over him. They wouldn't even have to think about it. He meant that little to them both.
They had met her all of four days ago, and yet, they were already so in love with her they were willing to give up everything for her. Breaking the law like this, hiding the Mortal Cup, attacking another Shadowhunter, could get them banished, or even executed. And yet, despite his best efforts, they both still ran after Clary like lost puppies. People, who he thought would always support him, be on his side, especially when things got this hectic. People like his family, his sister and his Parabatai, both turned against him for one girl that they didn't even know.
Parabatai, The word that fell so easily from Jace's mouth, tumbling easily off his tongue, one that whenever Alec would hear, he would be at Jace's beck and call; Alec understood now, why Jace favoured the word in his presence. Jace was smart, he knew, he must've, that Alec would come running every time he spat the word out into the open, waiting patiently for Alec to kneel before him.
Things would be different now. Jace had been manipulating him for years, all these broken promises that Alec would agree to because his Parabatai, his brother, had never given him a reason not to trust him.
Or, at least, not one he could see at the time.
Things would be different now. Alec would no longer stand in Jace's shadow.
Their bond was weak, Alec could tell. It was almost ghostly. But all of it was Jace's doing. He had chosen Clary one too many times, and Alec finally realized just how little he meant to Jace.
Alec was sick of it. He was so sick of everything. His parents had drilled into him his entire life that he was never good enough, that he would never be as good as Jace, and he believed them. And so did everybody else. His parents didn't need him; they had made it pretty evident that if he walked off the face of the planet, they wouldn't blink an eye. Isabelle didn't need him either. His whole life he had spent it trying to protect her, but she never even noticed or appreciated it. She probably wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow. And Max, Alec had always tried to be there for Max. He had always wanted to keep him safe, to make him a warrior that felt things. But Max had Jace. Alec was sure that whatever he could teach his youngest brother, Jace could teach him ten times better.
And Clary, Alec didn't like to think too much about Clary. Everyone suspected that his distaste towards her was because of his feeling towards Jace, which glowed dimmer by the second, but they couldn't be more wrong. He didn't like what she was doing to his family, to his entire world. She disrupted everything, she saw the rules as just another thing that she could ruin, along with his life, and stomped all over everything that he had spent so long building.
She didn't like him much in return. And since she had Jace and Isabelle wrapped around her finger that he would so much like to snap right off, she made his family hate him as well.
No one would even blink an eye if he died. Sure he had his family name to try to restore, and his wedding – god, Alec didn't want to think about how awful his love life was right now – but that was up to Isabelle now. She didn't need his protection, she said that to his face, so he figured that if she felt so confident that his efforts to protect her were useless, than he wouldn't bother anymore.
Alec was not one for giving up. But he wasn't stupid either. He knew his efforts were useless, anything he tried to fix now he would just end up fucking up even more. He couldn't risk anyone getting hurt because of him.
He scoffed, his dry laugh echoing against the walls that surrounded him. If only Clary were smart enough to figure that out.
Alec glanced at the blade sitting dormant by his side. So many times he had imagined pressing it against his own skin. Making himself hurt the way everyone else hurt him; because at least then, he would be in control. He had only actually had the nerve to do it once before.
Back then he was confused about his feelings (he still was), feeling that he was becoming more and more aware of everyday, and he was scared. A gay Shadowhunter was as good as a dead Shadowhunter in the eyes of his parents. And after locking himself in his room for twelve hours, pushing Isabelle away, and attempting to cry these feelings away, Alec had studied his wrists, and the delicate skin that he could easily penetrate. So he did.
And it felt good.
It made him feel, if anything at all, it reassured him that he still could feel. Feel things that he was supposed to feel.
And that's what he needed now. To feel. But this time, there was no going back. He couldn't possibly face anyone if they were to see the self-inflicted scars; not the ones he was about to make at least.
He had made his decision.
A scribbled, tear stained goodbye to his family would be the only thing he left behind.
Alec picked up the blade, it glowing to light at his touch, and he carved his story into his arm. His face distorted in pain, but also in goodbye.
He was saying goodbye to everything he had ever known. His family, the Shadow world, all the perhaps that could have been for him.
He would never come back.
He would never be good enough.
He would never be as good as Jace.
He would always be the screw up Lightwood.
He would never be loved.
If after eighteen years, he still couldn't manage to get his own family to love him, after giving up everything for them, how was he ever expected to find someone to love him for who he really was?
He carved and cried in pain, the iratze on his abdomen burning, trying desperately to keep up with the wounds that cut deep into his skin. But strangely, not as deep as the things his parents have said to him. Not nearly as deep as Jace's betrayal had cut. But unlike his parents, unlike Jace, this pain was… peaceful.
This pain was blissful, because this pain was his doing. He was the master behind this sick puppet show. He was the conductor to this horror movie score titled his life. He was in control. For the first time in his life, Alec Lightwood was in control of his own life.
He wanted to bathe in this moment, in this feeling of peace, but he knew he couldn't.
His time was rapidly running out.
His vision was blurring, his eyelids becoming heavier with every blink. The dagger fell from his hand with a clang, covered with sweat and his own blood, and Alec waited for the blissful kiss and merciful voice of Raziel to sing him to sleep.
At least now, he was finally in control.