Jesus drives the bus

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This is not a parody, and never will be. Jesus had a hand in creating this piece, since he fuels us all, is a part of us all, and lends His divine radiance to everything that's ever been made, and ever will be made.
All hail Jesus, the angels, god, the holy ghost, blue hedgehogs, and crazy japanese men for eternity and evermore.

God is indeed in the TV, but also everywhere else.
He watches you masturbate. He sits by and stares at you as you work your lust out of your sinful flesh, only to have it return later.

You are sin. You are not Jesus or part of His divine grace.
Or maybe you are, and he, too, is sinful and full of lies, since he's part of you, your choices, your dreams, and your imagination.

-

It was a cold Saturday night, and Sonic was in church, praying.

"Father, I have sinned," he confessed to the line of nuns and candles before him. "I enjoy sodomy too much for my own good."

The nuns looked shocked and awed, while Shadow spent some quality time molesting wheelchairs in the background. It was all part of Jesus' masterplan, of course.

"I talk to Satan, who lives in Sweden, daily," Sonic continued. "He says that talking to Satan is not a sin, and that Satan is part of Jesus, since Jesus is everyone, everywhere, and everything."

The paragraphs made little sense, but Sonic did not know this, and kept his eyes firmly locked on the long, hard, and eerie road ahead.

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned!" a priest magically appeared behind Sonic, armed with a whipe, made from fiber-optic cables. "Find me guilty of the life I feel within!"

If you concentrated hard enough, you could hear the unmistakable sound of a crying fool from Denmark somewhere in the distance.

"Repent!" the priest shouted. Two consecutive slashes from the whip turned Sonic's back into ground meat.

-

Two hours of implied priest-rape, flagellation, and sexual situations later...

"Wow!" Shadow cried out quite loudly, as if the exclamation mark didn't make that clear enough. "Never in my life have I seen such a well-endowed preacher! That guy should seriously consider starring in some sinful acts that don't involve preteens!"

"Damn right!" Sonic was happy, of course. The priest had fucked the sin right out of him; body, mind, and soul. He was saved, and never again would he need to worry about dropping straight down to Satan's residence.

As it was, the two heroes were simply standing around in a non-descript environment, doing nothing in particular, except wait for the bus. The bus to salvation!

"Hey, here comes the bus now!" both of them called out in unison.

It was a bus like no other, crafted from solid gold, and inlaid with countless diamonds and veins of platinum.
The number was zero-zero-zero, and it flew on seven pairs of angel wings, always accompanied by the soothing sounds of harps and castrated men.

The righteous bus of holy purity pulled up to the heroes of vanity and sinful desires, its twin doors of absolution slowly sliding open.
Out from the deliverer of crusaders flew Dotsie, because only christian people can ride Jesus' bus - thus, Dotsie did not belong. How did he get on it in the first place? Find out in 'Jesus drives the train!'

"Drop dead, sucka arab!" Jesus, son of god, muttered. Dotsie's unholy face of impurity collided quite hard with the sidewalk, and so it was, and so it shall ever be, that arabs are never supposed to ride Jesus' bus. The price of breaking this golden rule is a broken nose, two teeth, and a fractured cranium - are you willing to pay this price for one joy-ride on the holiest of vehicles!?

Didn't think so.

Jesus, now calmed down to the degree that his nostrils didn't emit air hot enough to melt steel, reached out both arms like only true fathers are capable of.
"My precious lambs. Have you found your way to my, personal, fun-bus?"

It was a question that demanded an answer, and Shadow, obviously a sinner beyond compare, took one look at Jesus, mankind's savior number one, and then his eyes melted to fluid, for he was not worthy enough to gaze upon such a manifestation of unearthly good.

"Aye," Sonic replied, fueled by divine divinity, oblivious to his friend's loss of sight.

"Indeed!" Jesus boomed, the christmas lights mounted on his head kicking into life. He wore only the finest of the finest threads - suede, a golden shotgun, a cowboy hat, a thorned crown, and christmas lights. His attire, just like Shadow's desire to rape wheelchairs, was all part of his very own masterplan. "Then so be it, today and henceforth, that you will ride in my pimpin' transport of manlove, drugs, obvious wealth, and earthly pleasures! Come," he motioned for them to do his bidding, and they did so without hesitation, "join the wheels of your savior!"

But, lo and behold! Just as Shadow was about to step inside the paddy wagon, Jesus stopped him.
"Shadow," the voice of the savior whispered, "your new, christian, name, is Omar!"

-

VT2 - 2006