A/N: A quick coda for "Vis à Vis." I always felt as though B'elanna and Tom needed time to process the events of "The Killing Game."
Voyager and its inhabitants, sadly, do not belong to me—though I keep hoping that Paramount will soon enter the final stage of Ferengi Acquisition.
"Worthy"
"It's a mint condition 1969 Camaro. And yes, you mean a lot more to me."
After a few minutes, Tom leaned back, looking seriously into B'elanna's eyes.
"Have I mentioned how sorry I am?" he asked ruefully. B'elanna crossed her arms and smiled.
"You seem to be quite contrite, but I can't seem to recall ever hearing an apology."
Tom chuckled.
"B'elanna, I'm so sorry. We've been through enough for me to know that when things get rough, one of us tends to withdraw. I should've seen what I was doing. And when you came to me to try to find out what was wrong, I should have been adult enough to have that conversation."
He leaned closer to B'elanna and kissed her gently on the forehead.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, then kissed her lips, "and I love you."
"I love you, too," she murmured. "And, for what it's worth, that was a very adult apology."
Tom grinned.
"Thanks, I practiced it. In front of a mirror and everything."
B'elanna laughed and punched his shoulder lightly. Tom shifted in his seat so that they were again facing out the windshield; he draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. Contented, B'elanna snuggled into his chest. For a few moments, they sat in silence, enjoying the simple stillness of their company. For weeks, tension had hung between them. At last, it seemed to be lifting. But with a wave of anxiety, B'elanna felt the pit in her stomach deepen. They were so open right now, both so vulnerable.
Why push this too far?
Still, she had to know. The thought had come unbidden two nights ago and had not let go.
Tom felt B'elanna stiffen against his chest. He let go of her and pulled away, puzzled.
"B'elanna?"
She took a deep breath and looked into his clear blue eyes.
"Tom, do I make you feel…trapped?"
He was surprised by the tears that suddenly stung her cheeks.
"Oh, B'elanna. No. Never."
She still seemed unsure; Tom pulled her back into his embrace.
"B'elanna, you're the only thing here that didn't make me feel that way. Piloting the ship, taking orders—all that has gotten so stale. But you, B'elanna, never. Every day is a surprise."
"Then why were you pulling away?"
"You were so busy lately. And I was being a child about it."
He hugged her even closer.
"I'm so sorry. I swear I will nev—"
B'elanna pulled away.
"Tom, don't make promises you can't keep."
"But, B'ela—"
"No, Tom, listen. I don't doubt that you're going to try. I have every faith in that. But I know you—I know us. We've spent our entire lives shutting out the hard stuff. It's going to happen again."
Tom seemed thoughtful, then laid his head against B'elanna's shoulder.
"I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that."
They sat silently, heads together, fingers entwined for several minutes.
"Tom?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Was it just that I was busy?"
"What?"
"Were you really just angry because I was busy? It seemed like something else was going on."
Tom swallowed hard.
"There was something, but—"
"Can you at least tell me what was going on?" B'elanna asked. "For weeks, you seemed so distant. I wasn't sure if I'd done something to upset you or if you were unhappy with us. Honestly, Tom, it scared me."
Regret shot through Tom's gut. He pulled B'elanna into a tighter hug.
"I'm sorry, B'elanna; so sorry."
He released her and sat back, running his hand over his hair. B'elanna knew that he was trying to find words, and so, shifted so that she could face him. Tom took a few deep breaths, then turned back to face her.
"This might sound crazy, but stay with me," he began.
"Okay."
"When the Hirogen were aboard and Seven and the Captain were able to disable the neural interface, coming to and seeing you pregnant? It was a shock. I can't tell you what I felt when I first saw you—hell, I'm not even sure I know."
"Can you try?"
"I was getting to that. First, there was shock, then joy and shock, then anger. And confusion. Lots of confusion. Once we figured out what had happened, it was a lot easier to process those feelings, but seeing you so pregnant…I couldn't stop my mind from racing.
"Even as we were fighting the Hirogen, I couldn't stop thinking about that holographic baby. I kept wondering what would happen if you actually were pregnant, if we actually were going to have a kid. I know we haven't been together for very long, but the thought has crossed my mind. In a very abstract, many years into the future kind of way.
"But that simulation made the possibility seem so real. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I'd fail you."
"Tom, what are you talking about? You've never failed me."
"I'm not ready to have kids—I don't know if I ever will be. I never had a good fatherly role model, so I'd probably ruin our hypothetical child's life. And I'm pretty sure I couldn't be the kind of supportive boyfriend or husband or whatever who gets so excited about fatherhood. I'd be too wrapped up in my own issues to help you—and I know you deserve better than that. I couldn't handle feeling that way, so I pulled back."
B'elanna noticed how hot the Camaro was becoming; she shrugged out of her smock, then took Tom's hand in hers.
"So what this really comes down to is that you still don't think you deserve me. Well, here's the thing, helmboy: I don't think anybody deserves the people who love them. But, for some reason, they love us all the same. And about wanting kids—I don't think I could handle that right now, either. If nothing else, that simulation proved that I'm terrible at being pregnant."
Tom had to smile at that. While they'd been under guard, B'elanna had outlined, in great detail, every part of her body that ached, itched, or felt "weird." Not to mention the three trips to the head under armed escort.
"But Tom," B'elanna continued, "just because neither one of us is ready for kids now doesn't mean we'll never be. It's way too soon to start worrying about that. Right now, we should just be enjoying what we have."
Tom looked down, suddenly fascinated by his fingernail.
"What if something happened?" he asked quietly.
"Well, do you keep up with your contraceptive treatments?"
"Yeah, every six months."
"And I keep up with my monthly hyposprays, so us having a baby is extremely unlikely. But even if all our precautions failed," she continued, lifting Tom's face so that they were eye to eye, "I'd like to think that we'd rise to the occasion."
Tom's heart soared at B'elanna's confidence. He pulled her closer to him once again and kissed her, more passionately than when they had first entered the car. Knowing that B'elanna trusted him to be a good enough father to their completely hypothetical baby, he felt his world fall back into balance. They parted again, and Tom rested his forehead against B'elanna's.
"I guess when I get into these funks, I should just avoid the holodeck and tell you."
B'elanna pulled back and shook her head.
"No, Tom, I don't think that's necessary at all. I mean, you always let me throw spanners and terrorize ensigns when I'm in a mood. If working on cars on the holodeck calms you down, then you should do it. Just please, tell me once you're done."
"I'll try. I promise I'll try."
"you think you're not worthy
i'd have to say i agree
i'm not worthy of you
you're not worthy of me"
-ani difranco, "Worthy"