Here's a sequel of sorts to "Problems with a Cardboard Box". Enjoy!
NOTE: I haven't exactly played SSBB or Smash Brothers game at all. I guess some of you already know that. Also, I don't own anything.
Problems with Portals
A blast of thunder electrified the ground, turning a platoon of orcs into crispy chunks of meat. Pikachu ran like hell toward the nearest cover where the rest of the Smashers are. He eventually reached an overturned refrigerator, where the very familiar Link and Kirby were taking cover. In the distance, Snake can be heard firing his pistol at the incoming waves while Ness and Lucas shot the barbaric mother-fathers (Lucas' substitute for the word "motherfuckers") with a combination of PK Fire and Freeze, melting the orcs in the process.
Pikachu looked up to the skies, where he saw Pit raining arrows down on the horde below, only to be shot down by wayward catapult shot. Pikachu held his tired breath, hoping for Pit to live. The angel was about to be killed by the orcs when Marth and Ike had the genius idea of pushing heavy rock-filled carts at them, before executing a banzai attack, slashing and hacking and cleaving their way through the nigh-millions of hellspawn before them.
Just then, Link yelled, "INCOMING!" and grabbed Pikachu as he and Kirby dived away from the refrigerator, which was promptly crushed by a catapult shot. "Samus, cover us!" Link ordered the woman taking cover at the wall of tires next to him. The hyper-lethal female vector nodded, firing her weapons at the Orc army; even chucking a grenade or two, taking down a huge amount.
"Lucario, is the bio-weapon ready?" Snake asked over the radio. Lucario, being the silent type, preferred to give Snake a more effective answer than a simple "yes". He turned to Zelda, who was wearing a World War One-style gas mask to counter the effects of their secret weapon. Zelda gave Lucario a thumbs-up, and Lucario gave her the order to fire in return.
"Are you ready, Wario?" Zelda asked a burrito-feasting Wario.
"THE HELL I AM!"
With one pull, the Smashers' home-made trebuchet launched the fart-bomb high up into the air, spreading the gassy love to all below. The Smashers fortunately had gas-masks on hand when Wario blew his load, but the Orcs weren't so lucky. To keep things simple, they looked like they inhaled mustard gas. If the Smashers tried that in the real world, they'd be convicted war criminals.
"If you rupture your mask, you'd be dead in minutes." Link cautioned, taking lines from a video game. The yellow gas obscured their vision, but the Smashers kept on fighting regardless. Of particular note in the battle for the Smash universe were Mario and Luigi, who already took down a thousand using basic plumber's tools. "Take a-that, you stronzo!" taunted Mario as he ruthlessly beat an Orc that looked like Adolf Hitler to death using lead pipe.
The Smashers were doing well, but Master Hand suddenly gave the order to fall back to the Smash Mansio-er, Fortress. Smash Fortress, yes. Everyone groaned in disappointment before heeding the Hand's order. Marth and Ike had the unholy task of taking Wario back to base.
Pikachu just finished receiving a bandage from Dr. Mario. Everyone had sustained at least some form of injury, from bruises all over the younger Smasher's bodies to serious ones like cuts and slashes on Link and Marth. Pikachu walked down the halls to dining area, which was being used by Master Hand as a temporary HQ. All around him were Link, Marth, Ike, Snake, Mario, and Luigi. "Where is-a your brother, Masta Hand?" Mario asked, still clutching the lead pipe he used to beat Hitler to death.
"I don't know, he was supposed to be here a few minutes ago." MH replied.
"So what happened, anyway?" questioned Snake, "One minute we're doing what we normally do, the next, we're fighting a freakin' war!"
Master Hand's retort coincided with Crazy Hand's arrival. "Apparently, a certain Hand thought it'd be a good idea to play with the teleporters connecting this world to the Lord of the Rings universe..."
All seven Smashers inside gave the newly-arrived Crazy Hand a glare, causing him to say "What?". The Hand looked over to every one of them before saying, "Alright, I know what you're thinking. I'm sorry for connecting the portals to the Lord of the Rings universe. I was trying to add a dozen Orcs, but it got way out of hand..."
Master Hand isn't buying it, "You opened the portal to our world in the middle of the goddamn Battle of Minas Tirith!" he said back, "The Orcs saw that portal and poured in!"
"Ok, tell you what, I went back to the Portal Control Room and called in some extra help. This man is an absolute BEAST! The only one capable of taking down an army like this by himself, I believe." Skepticism abounded when CH said the last part. MH was about to say another word when CH said something in Greek. Just then, the two Hands and the Smashers heard someone yell, followed by an Orc getting thrown into the wall. A big, ash-white man in a loincloth with two large blades held on both hands entered the room. The Smashers knew who this man was, and they had to struggle to contain their fear.
That was when a company-sized force of Orcs came pouring in from the new hole in the wall behind the Smashers, causing the Greek to charge at them with a battle-cry. The Greek's two blade-things turned into a couple of boxing-gloves that had the shape of lion's heads and used them to pound the Orcs into bloody soup, with the wall getting pounded too as collateral.
MH could only order the evacuation of the fortress and watch it crumble as Kratos continued his bloody rampage. The Orc army was getting murdered, that's for sure. But Sonic the Hedgehog found this moment great to ask Master Hand a really important question.
"Hey, Master H! If that bald guy's done, how are we gonna send him back to his universe? He already destroyed the Portal Control Room!"
MH thought about it, and the realization hit him like a tsunami wave.
"Oh...FUCK!"
"DAMN YOU, CRAZY HAAAANNDD!" yelled all the Smashers.
They eventually got rid of Kratos, by having Samus, Peach and Zelda assault him with frying pans after making him think that he's going to have a sex minigame with them. Ah, Kratos...
I hope you liked it.