More Than You Think We Are
Summary: Lucy is a resident of Magnolia Hospital's Adolescent Mental Health Unit. One day, a new boy arrives. He doesn't want to talk, but she's determined to make a new friend.
Warning: Discussion of a range of serious mental health disorder; depression, anorexia, PTSD, suicidal tendencies. Likely serious triggers for some. (Hopefully I've handled them all in a really respectful way?)
.-.
It was dark in the room. Nighttime meant the nurses turned the lights out and everyone was expected to sleep. Not that many of them ever did. Lucy liked the people in her room, but today someone new had arrived. She would hope that he fit in, but honestly, none of them really fit in anywhere; that's why they were here. Magnolia Hospital's Adolescent Mental Health Unit, known by its residents as 'The Asylum'. It obviously wasn't a true, old-school asylum. It was a medical facility designed to house those kids that had serious mental disorder, and keep them safe, until they were well enough to be released.
Lucy looked over at the new boy. His bed was opposite hers, sharing the far wall next to the window. He wasn't looking out the window, though. He was sitting on his bed, hugging his knees, face buried in his legs.
She'd overheard the nurses talking about his condition when he'd been brought in. No family, pyromaniac, anger-management issues, PTSD... The list was longer than she'd seen in a while. One nurse had asked whether it was safe for him to be in here, with the other kids, but apparently the head ward, Mr. Makarov, had thought isolation would make him worse. Lucy silently agreed. They tended to support each other in here. It was better to be with people.
She took another minute to get a proper look at him. It wasn't as difficult as one might think. Even with the lights off, this room was never properly dark. For one, there was a nightlight at Wendy's bed (she was the youngest and was afraid of the dark). Light from the TV also shone (Gray and Cana never slept well so they'd play video games most of the night). Lastly, the curtains were open and the bright moon shone through.
Her attention refocused. He was pretty cute, she decided. Similar build to Gray, though slightly broader. He was wearing a simple, red T-shirt and dark, torn jeans. And his hair. It was amazing. Pink; the sort of pastel pink you find on cherry blossoms in spring, and sticking up in all directions. She wondered if it was as soft as it looked. She hadn't managed to get good look at his face yet, though.
She took a breath. Right! Time to go say hello. Sliding off her bed, she pulled her fingers through her head, trying to make it look brushed. At least somewhat satisfied with the result, she wandered over and climbed onto the new boy's bed, and sat cross-legged in front of him. She wasn't a shy person, but she would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. Men made her nervous as a general rule until she decided she could trust them. But this kid was around her age, and in here with them. Not to mention Gray wasn't far away and would jump to her defence if needed (he had basically adopted her as a younger sister). Once settled, she cocked her head and opened her mouth to speak.
.-.
"Your name's Natsu, isn't it?"
His head shot up and he stared at the girl in front of him. He hadn't been planning on acknowledging her at all, but how the hell did she know his name?
His confusion must have been present in his wide eyes because she giggled.
"It's on your clipboard and I heard one of the nurses say it."
He scowled. Great, she was nosey. Before he could go back to his own thoughts, she smiled at him.
"I'm Lucy. Welcome to The Asylum!"
He didn't answer. Instead, he chose to get a good look at her. A loose fitting t-shirt hung off a thin frame, extra short pajama bottoms only just peeking out from under it. Her long, blonde hair was tied up in a messy ponytail and her eyes were large, chocolate brown orbs. She seemed way too pretty and chirpy to be in here. This kind of place was where they hid away the broken kids.
His examination was interrupted by her speaking again.
"So, what'd you do to get in here? It's an exclusive club, you know."
He continued to stare at her for a few moments but she just sat and waited. Finally, he grunted.
"Why the hell are you so nosey?" He muttered, turning away to stare at the wall instead.
His jab was rewarded with another smile.
"You do speak! Good. I didn't see mute on your list so I assumed you were just sulking."
He snapped round to look at her again, angry at her implication.
"Sulking? Are you fucking kidding me?" His voice was getting louder. "Don't fucking trivialise what I'm going through by accusing me of sulking!"
"Would you shut the fuck up? Some of the others are trying to sleep."
He whirled on the source of the new voice, half rising from his position. A shirtless, black-haired boy was glaring at him from where the TV was. Unfortunately, any retort was cut off by the blonde haired girl.
"Natsu. It's okay. We all sulked when we first got in here."
Her voice was soothing and he calmed down, settling back down to face her.
"I didn't mean to insult you. Trust me, we're all in a similar boat. We're all a bit broken, we thought this was the end. But it's not. And the kids in here support each other. You'll learn that soon."
Why was she so nice? It was strange. He hadn't known a lot of kindness in his life. But this girl, without fear, without reserve, had come to him to just be nice. To include him. It threw him off. It made him answer.
He dropped chin to his chest.
"I burnt my house down." He mumbled.
A pause. "On purpose?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
He peeked at her through his bangs. She had an unreadable expression on her face but was looking at him intensely. He sighed.
"It's okay. There wasn't anybody in it. Well, except for me."
She chewed on her bottom lip, looking thoughtful. He wondered what was going on in her head. What did she think of him?
"Did you mean to be in it? When you set the fire?"
That wasn't a question he'd expected.
"Ah, yeah."
"Did-" She swallowed. "Did you want the fire to take you away?"
That was an odd way of phrasing it.
"Was I trying to kill myself by setting my house on fire and sitting in the middle? Yeah."
She flinched. Why was she flinching? He watched her take a deep breath, as if steadying herself.
"Do you still want to die?"
"Why am I still answering your questions?"
Something sparked in her eyes and she scowled at him. Without warning her hand shot out and whacked him on the side of his head.
"Ah! What did you do that for?"
"Answer the question! It's important!"
"It's none of your business!"
"It is!"
"Fine! Fuck! Yes! I've got nothing fucking left!"
She looked mad, but he didn't have time to say anything else. She quickly spun and pulled something off the end of his bed. A clipboard. Was that his file? Was there seriously no privacy here? Everyone could read what his issues were?
She pulled a pen out of her ponytail and scribbled something on the clipboard. He leaned forward, anger being forgotten in favour of curiousity. At the bottom of the page, in near writing and blue pen, was a single word;
Suicidal.
"Why did you write that down?" He wasn't really mad anymore, just sad.
"Because I don't want you leaving us. You can't get better if you're gone. It's important they know so they can watch. Also, so we all know. I told you, we look out for each other. You're not the only one who had hand-written scribbles." She handed his own file to him and climbed off the bed.
He didn't want her to go. For some reason he liked her presence. He breathed a sigh of relief when all she did was grab a clipboard off the end of her bed and skipped back to him. Without a word she handed hers over. His eyes scanned the list of issues.
Depression
Anorexia Nervosa
Under these typed, official ones, were scribbles.
Suicidal - on 24 hr watch by all roommates
Nightmares - only guy allowed to comfort is Gray
Prefers female nurses unless well known
.-.
Lucy watched Natsu. He was scanning her file. She wasn't embarrassed by it. It was the tradition whenever new people arrived. File swapping. It was often easier than explaining all the details.
He sighed and looked up at her.
"You too, eh?"
She just hummed.
His face scrunched.
"I don't get it. Why are you so intent on making sure I don't off myself if you know what it's like?"
Did this boy not understand anything. She humphed at him.
"Because, idiot, on my good days, I realise I don't want to die. And eventually, you will too."
Then, he grinned.
She nearly gaped. It was an amazing grin, all white, sharp teeth and sparkling eyes. It made him gorgeous.
"Thanks, Lucy. I've never had someone really look out for me before. You're nice."
She couldn't help but grin back. It normally took her so long to feel comfortable around people, especially guys, but it had seemed so easy with him. She took her file back on grabbed her pen again, planning an amendment to her notes.
Nightmares - only guys allowed to comfort is are Gray and Natsu
She looked up. Natsu was staring out the window next to his bed. He seemed to be thinking. Lucy decided she liked his eyes. They were large and slanted. Dark, onyx pools, which seemed to glitter with gold flecks. They were fascinating.
"So." He started talking without looking at her. "Why are you here then? Attempt?"
She nodded. "Mm. Not as dramatic as yours, but yes."
"W-What about your family?" She heard it in his voice as it nearly broke. It wasn't something he really wanted to ask, she assumed, but it was a logical question.
"The source of most of my problems." She answered and was satisfied when he looked at her at of the corner of his eye. "Very few of us in here actually have much of a family. Or at least, not anything stable or healthy. That's probably why we're severe cases."
She took a deep breath, preparing to spill out her background for him. Everyone else knew. There were few secrets here and maybe it would help him open up a bit more.
"My mum died when I was seven. Dad became focused on his work since then. I was a painful reminder of her death to him. Cut me out. Let me live at home, but never talked to me unless he needed something. Threw me a sixteenth birthday party that consisted of work friends and people he wanted to network with. It was for him, but I had to show and look pretty. This one guy, mid thirties, spent most of the night leering at me and staring at my ass. Late in the night, when everyone was drunk and I was heading to bed, he cornered me. Stole my first kiss from me, and then more. I screamed the whole time. No-one came. Finally, my father showed up. Yelled at me for being a whore and sabotaging my value. Old-fashioned, eh? Anyway, I locked myself in my room for two weeks. Barely ate. First attempt. Only reason I didn't succeed is that my favourite maid basically broke down my door and called an ambulance. Spent two months not going to school or speaking. I stopped eating. Every chance I could, I made an attempt at my life. Finally, my father got sick of my 'uselessness' and sent me away. Through a bit of underhanded manipulation by those that cared for me, I ended up here instead of somewhere worse."
She watched his expression change over the course of her story; interest, then shock, then anger, then sympathy, and then… Something indistinguishable. She smiled sadly. Hers wasn't the worst story they had, but the lack of family support seemed to get to people. Honestly, she hadn't expected anything else from her father for years.
The video game buzzed in the silence that followed. Lucy hummed along slightly to the music it softly played. She could hear Gray and Cana tapping on buttons. They were replaying an old level that they knew well. Speech wasn't something that was needed. She usually enjoyed these nights. She loved the moonlight and starlight that shone outside. The quiet companionship of the friends she'd made here. She still wasn't well. Just yesterday she'd had to be restrained, sedated, and put on an IV because she'd refused to eat for two days. She was still on 24 hour watch. She knew it was part of the reason Gray stayed up so late. He wouldn't sleep until she did.
However, there were days she was happy. Days she appreciated the people here who just wanted to help her. Days were everything was getting better. These days came more and more often. She hoped Natsu would find that happiness here.
.-.
Natsu watched Lucy. Her story had stirred something in him. He hadn't really thought about the other kids that were in here. He'd been too busy wallowing in self-hate and self-pity. Now, he realised that they were all here for a reason. He briefly wondered what was wrong with the annoying guy who'd snapped at him.
He turned his attention back to Lucy. She had stopped looking at him. She didn't seem to be waiting for anything, more just lost in her own thoughts. He hurt for her. The only thing he could really relate to was wanting to disappear from the world. That and the lack of family, he supposed. Except that when he had family, they had loved him, and he'd been looked after well enough even afterwards… To hell with it. For some reason he trusted her. For some reason, he found himself telling her everything he'd normally rather keep hidden.
"I'm an orphan." He began, voice low. "I have no idea who my original parents were. I also don't remember anything before I was adopted by my dad. Except for fire. Doesn't matter. Anyway. I was happy for a few years, then he died. Igneel, my dad. He was a firefighter. Taught me all about fire and what it could do and how to control it. I was fascinated with it. I figure it's likely that my parents died in a fire and he rescued me. I never really got the chance to ask and I didn't really care anyway. So, I'm with him one day at the police station because there's been a string of arson attacks. Then, boom! Building goes up. Fire, again. My life seems full of fire. I get trapped, Igneel dies protecting me. Pass out, wake up in the hospital. No family again. So, I get this proper obsession with fire. I need to control it and it reminds me of Igneel. Bam, pyromaniac. Also PTSD because I apparently need to be proper fucked. This happened about two years ago."
He took a breath. He was trying to make it as short as possible, and this stuff was old news by now.
"So, now I have no-one. Thought I'd be on the streets, but no-one seems to want to take the house away from me. Have various people looking after me, including my neighbours. Three siblings, also no parents. Oldest one is 19, old enough to act as guardian. Youngest one, Lisanna is my age, 16. Lis and I clicked, became really good friends. Inseparable. A month ago, she died. Complete accident. I broke. Fell into complete despair. Been making attempts since. Two days ago, I got really serious about it. This one went out of control. I don't even remember what set me off, but suddenly everything hit at once. I set the house on fire, let my PTSD take over and just waited to die. Lis' siblings came home and found me, called the firies. I got pulled out. Was being treated in the hospital then got sent here. Now I'm in a psych ward, talking to another crazy."
He gave a wry smile at his attempt at a joke. He had probably insulted her. God, he was an idiot.
"Fuck, my life sounds so shit, eh? What is even the point? Why won't people let me go?"
Lucy's concentrated face morphed into one of panic.
"No, no! You can't leave! You have to stay here, with me. I'm tying you down to this world now."
She was babbling. It sounded like she was trying to get him to apply a technique someone had taught her. He snorted.
"Does that work?"
"It's worked so far. I can do the whole tying strings on each other part if you want." She pointed to a number of strings plaited into her hair. "This one's from Gray, this one's from Wendy. This one is Cana, and this one is Juvia. Levy is making me an actual bracelet out of different coloured string to represent everyone I know. All the different people that I'm now tied to."
She looked wistful. He was kind of envious. Would he ever have friends like that? Wait, did Lucy count as a friend yet? He'd only known her for… Oh. Three hours. Wow. It already felt like way longer, like days or weeks.
"Can…" He fidgeted nervously. "Can I tie myself to you?" He had scoffed at it, but now he wanted something to connect him to this girl.
She giggled. "I'm not the best choice because of my own state, but that was what I was just trying to do."
"Oh, yeah. Right."
He didn't understand her. She was depressed, suicidal even. Severely if the 24 hour watch thing was anything to go by. But she was so bubbly right now.
"Hey, Lucy?"
"Mm?"
"Are you happy?"
"Asks the depressed boy of the depressed girl."
He scowled. She laughed.
"Don't worry, Natsu. I know what you're asking. Right now? Yes. I'm better at night, I don't know why. But today has been a good day. Some of us went to the park together. And now, I'm meeting a new person. Who is nice, even if a bit withdrawn. Will I be okay tomorrow? Probably not. Am I happy to live yet? No. But I have people fighting for me, and supporting me, and that makes it easier to bare."
Natsu's mind was racing. He'd been trying to listen, but recounting his story had taken its toll. He shook his head, muttering.
"No, no, no. Not now. Please, not now."
.-.
Natsu had started shaking, his fingers twisting themselves in his hair like he was in pain. His breathing changed, becoming shallow and fast. Lucy glanced over to Gray and saw him looking over. Their eyes met. He looked worried. He knew. It confirmed his suspicions. Natsu was having a panic attack. Gray also had PTSD, so they'd learnt how to handle this, but everyone was different and responded to different things.
She broke eye contact and refocused on the pink-haired boy whose bed she had invaded. Leaning forward, she tried to get him to look at her.
"Natsu. Focus on my voice. It's Lucy. Your friend. It's okay. You're safe. Do you know where you are?"
His head snapped up, but her brief feeling of hope was promptly crushed. His eyes were wild, fearful and unfocused. He wasn't seeing her. His muttering changed to something about fire and a ringing in his ears.
Lucy actually swore. He couldn't see and he couldn't hear. She didn't want to have to resort to touch. You couldn't be sure how someone having a flashback would react. She suspected Natsu to be the violent kind based on his anger problems. But she was out of options.
Her mind made up, she lunged forward, wrapping her slim arms around him and pulling his head into her chest. Continuing to whisper calming nonsense into his ear, she started to rock.
.-.
Natsu stiffened. Someone was touching him. All he could see was the red of flames and all he could hear was the ringing from the bomb blast. He was terrified. Now someone was touching him and he didn't know who. Was it someone bad?
Wait. There was a noise behind the ringing. A voice. It was a nice voice. Soft, comforting, caring. He relaxed slightly, focusing on the voice, trying to figure out where it was coming from. Were they going to save him from the fire?
Slowly, the vision of flames faded. The voice became clearer and a name to go with it sprung into his head.
Lucy.
Why was Lucy here? He'd only met her today, in the-
Oh. He was still in the psych ward. On his bed. That fire had happened years ago. It was okay. He was safe. He'd been having an attack.
Lucy was wrapped around him, clinging to him. He sat there for a moment. He didn't remember the last time someone had hugged him. Had it been Igneel? It felt nice. It had pulled him from his panic.
Who was this girl? In a few short hours, she had torn down nearly every wall he'd put up. Not even Lisanna had done that. Lucy hadn't even been trying to. She was just being nice.
He disentangled his hands from his hair brought them down to latch onto her arm. He didn't want her to let go. He buried his face into the same arm, embarrassed beyond belief. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the black-haired boy approach.
Lucy didn't break away, but he felt her move her head.
"You alright, Gray?"
"Yeah. His won't set mine off, don't worry."
Oh. He had the same. Well, that was... something.
"He alright?"
"I think so. He's stopped shaking. And he moved to hug back, so I think he's back with us."
Natsu shifted slightly. He didn't want to be this vulnerable in front of the other guy. It was weird. Looking up slightly, he met eyes with Gray and snarled at him. It was a clear message that the other understood.
"Yeah, fuck you too. Just don't hurt my honourary sister, there."
Gray shot him a smirk as he sauntered off. Yeah, they were going to get along fine.
He twisted again, trying to get into a more comfortable position. After a minute of silence, he realised he should probably say something.
"Thank you." He whispered.
Lucy's arms squeezed tighter.
"I don't mind. I just wasn't sure what helps you. You'll have to tell us what sets you off at some point. Everyone here usually has at least one trigger."
He hummed in response. He didn't even really know his own triggers yet.
"Your arms are really thin." He said instead, changing topic away from him. That was enough exposing himself for one day.
Lucy chuckled.
"Yeah, that would be the anorexia. You'll have to help make sure I eat."
"Okay." He didn't really know what to say.
"Are you okay?"
"I am now, yeah. Don't worry, I'll be back to my usual, awesome, loud-mouthed self tomorrow, just wait and see. I'm a little, trouble-making shit. You probably made a mistake befriending me. I'll drag you into all of my mischief." He was already starting to feel like his old self again, at least temporarily.
He could feel her trying to stifle loud laughter. It caused him to grin. She was better off laughing than worrying. Time to make her laugh until she drifted off to sleep. He could do that, he reckoned.
The next morning found the pair entangled in each other; Lucy's head resting in the crook of Natsu's shoulder and his arm around her, holding her close, both sleeping off the emotional exhaustion of the day before.
.-.
Two years later found the pair in much the same position, but in their own bed, in an apartment they shared.
Natsu sleepily gazed at his girlfriend, eyes full of affection, as he remembered how they had met. It had been a wild ride from there. Natsu had discovered, first hand, how stubborn Lucy could be when it came to denying treatment on her bad days, fighting him tooth and nail. She had discovered exactly how much mischief he could get up to, constantly playing pranks or accidentally breaking things. But they'd had a blast and became the closest of friends.
Eventually he had come to realise that maybe he didn't want to give this life up. Maybe Lucy wouldn't always be in it (though he certainly hoped she would be), but she'd shown him that it wasn't as bad as he'd believed. At at some point, he'd convinced her of the same thing. Depression didn't go away just like that, but it had caused some serious progress to be made. They had made a promise to get through this portion of their lives together. And then, two months later, they'd both been released.
He hadn't really expected them to spend the next portion together, but somehow he had gotten lucky. Something had finally gone right in his life. Here she was, sleeping next to him. Healthy (she'd kicked anorexia's arse and looked fucking gorgeous now) and happy. Sure, they still had issues. PTSD, for example, never goes away, and he still liked fire way more than he probably should, but they were living and they were enjoying it.
He was sure he wouldn't have survived if he hadn't met her. She gave him love when he needed it most. She had been nice. It had been that simple. Overwhelming kindness. How cheesy. Though, he had to admit, it hadn't been just her. That entire room of kids became his family. Even Gray, the bastard, who now lived next door with Juvia. Every single one of them knew hardship and had made it their goal to see the others get out of there. It meant they had all gotten out and stayed in close contact ever since.
Even for the most broken, life gets better. He was glad he was still around to learn that.