Yzak's Trials
Summary: "Be the best. Never give in. Demand your utmost. Don't be stupid. Don't give me that stupid look. Don't cry. Stop crying! Oh for the love of…"
Warnings: Deliberately OOC Kira! I don't own Gundam Seed; if I did, I wouldn't have killed off the delightful Natarle.
Yzak Joule. Zaft Commander; former Red Coat and pilot of the Duel. A formidable Coordinator with severely cut silver hair, unforgiving blue eyes, a stern expression and a glare that could crack cement. Someone who was waiting in one of the Zaft soldiers barracks; having been invited to give a talk. Dearka had accepted on both of their behalves, knowing Yzak would have refused straight out.
To start off with, Yzak had not been in the best of moods. He had a tonne of paperwork, sitting on his desk, just mocking him. It didn't matter that the paper work was a non sentient pile of…paper, it was mocking him damn it! His secretary, like the past two, was a useless airhead who blushed every time she talked to him, and when she'd poured his coffee at the start of the week, she'd been blushing so hard she'd concentrated more on him than on pouring the coffee, resulting in 3rd degree burns on Yzak's crotch. His scream alone had shattered the window in his office, which had subsequently had to be replaced. He'd fired the secretary, had Dearka hire a temp, gotten the burns appropriately healed and been the source of Dearka's intense amusement for the rest of this week. Not only that, Hahnenfuss had been sending him some crazy emails accusing him of stalking her and he'd had some prank call from a strippers company saying they'd been delighted to sign him. THEN, if all that wasn't enough, he'd been ordered to do this talk for a bunch of pansy soldiers who wanted the glory without the hard work, and worst of all, he would play second fiddle to the magnificent Athrun Zala yet again!
(As it turned out, Athrun was running late and was replaced by Kira at the last moment. A number of the recruits had been rather disturbed by Kira breaking down into helpless tears as he mourned the loss of a particularly colourful butterfly he'd accidentally crushed that morning… he'd gone on further to recommend that the soldiers of Zaft become soldiers of the environment, and gone into a spiel on "67 reasons why I became a Vegan…") But Yzak wasn't to know this.
He stood at the front of the room as the soldiers trudged in, letting his annoyance be felt by every budding pilot, most of whom instinctively froze, cringing. And yet… there was something strange. Every single one was a girl! What the hell? Dearka hadn't mentioned this! The girls sat dutifully, waiting for him to say something, so with a slight twitch, Yzak began.
"So you want to become Zaft pilots, perhaps even Red Coats one day." Yzak stated in the dead silence that had followed his entrance.
"I guarantee that most of you are hopeless idiots who won't make Red Coats. It might interest you to know that 1 out of 20 pilots is killed in a freak accident every year." Yzak smiled blissfully for a moment, remembering the young idiot who'd tried to swallow fire while refuelling. They'd found an arm still twitching…
It seemed Yzak had related this aloud as he was thinking, and a number of the new recruits looked a little green.
"Sir… I feel sick… may I be excused?" one brave recruit stood up.
"Do you think the enemy will let you go to the toilet?" Yzak sneered, approaching the trembling girl.
"N…no sir!" she cried.
"Do you think you'll have time to feel sick during a battle?" Yzak was now looking directly into her face.
"No sir." The girl mumbled, dejected.
"Or maybe you think your team mates will do all the fighting for you?!" Yzak was on a roll now.
"No sir!" She looked horrified.
It was at that time that the girl made a sudden dash for the door, opening it…
And vomited on Kira's shoes.
"Yzak I was just going to…ugh." Kira looked sickened by the vomit on his shiny, newly polished black shoes.
Yzak choked back a laugh.
"Oh… I'm sorry!" The girl cried in mortification.
"What did you have for lunch?" Kira began in horror.
"A steak sandwich and a hotdog…" She whispered.
"I'm contaminated by MEAT!" shrieked Kira. The recruit began backing away, as Kira chased her out of the room lecturing her on animal rights.
Yzak raised an eyebrow as the rest of the room sweat dropped.
After a moment, one of the girls raised a hand.
"Are we going to be rooming with the boys?" she asked nervously.
"No!" Yzak informed them.
"Can we room with the boys?" Another girl asked, fluttering her eyelashes at Yzak, who shuddered a little, repulsed.
"No!" barked Yzak.
"What if we have… feminine problems?" another girl asked curiously.
"DO I LOOK LIKE I KNOW?!" Yzak screamed, and the hall fell dead silent. He took a deep breath and began to recite his advice quickly, refusing to take more questions.
"Don't look nervous! Don't show a sign of fear to the enemy!" Yzak ordered quickly.
"Be the best. Practise in your free time. Train as much as you can, take every opportunity you can, never give in!" Yzak continued relentlessly, eyes narrowed as he recalled his ongoing struggle to best that wimpy Athrun.
"Don't be stupid. Don't hang around with stupid people. Don't tolerate idiocy." Yzak glared at the crowd of recruits, picking out varying stupid faces. There were three different groups of girls, one group who reminded him of Hahnenfuss and LunaMaria, another group that reminded him of that dolt Stellar, who had, in Yzak's esteemed opinion, a likely IQ of -4 and the worst kind of girls… skanky girls.
One of the girls started crying as Yzak glared at her. Suddenly, up the back he spotted a familiar figure, one he identified with a sinking heart. Hahnenfuss! The Red Coat was glaring at him as if she could imitate his own famous glare, while drawing her fingers across her neck and waving around what looked like letters. What on earth was wrong with Hahnenfuss?!
"Do not show your emotions! Don't be a Pansy!" Yzak declared angrily, remembering the secretary snickering as she patched through what had become known as 'the stripper call'. The girls around her burst into tears. Pathetic. How had he been roped into this?! Why him?!
"Rectify your faults! Know your goals! Be determined!" Yzak steadily ignored them, while growing more and more annoyed by their pitiful sobs and remembering all the secretaries he'd had to fire. Some of the other girls looked faintly disgusted, to Yzak's grudging approval, but he was already too angry to stop now. He was here, lecturing them instead of signing all that damned paperwork which seemed never ending, the least they could do was feel the brunt of his anger!
"Support the team mates who are worthy of your support! Form a team plan prior to missions. DON'T CRY!" Yzak roared, snapping and seeing red.
The girls started wailing.
"Oh for the love of…STOP CRYING!"
Watching the security tapes from another room, Dearka chuckled as he watched Yzak growing more and more frustrated.
"So why were we supposed to be doing this again?" Athrun asked, having arrived in time to witness the end of the last speech.
"Oh, I suggested it, I was bored." Dearka revealed off handedly, putting his feet on the desk as on screen, Yzak finished his talk and hurried off stage to avoid Shiho.
"You were BORED?" Athrun cried, falling off of his chair.
"Yeah, plus, I've got a running bet with Cagalli on how long it will take me to crack Yzak; he's already fired 3 secretaries, sent emails (that was me of course) to Shiho professing his undying love and I signed him up to be a male stripper!" Dearka sighed contentedly, unaware of furious pilot behind him.
"Uh…Dearka?" Athrun began.
"I know, I know. But I was really bored. He's also signed 70 legal documents stating 'Dearka is the Best'-he really should read things before he signs- and I've signed him on for a series of guest lectures for a pre-birthing pregnancy class next week, not to mention … What?" Dearka's face fell.
"Yzak is behind me, isn't he?" Dearka slowly turned to face the glowering coordinator behind him.
"DEARKA!"