Revenge of the Turkeys

by purpleicecrystals

Development in the neighborhood has led to... an interesting coalition of turkey vigilantes. They are HOT. Shamelessly. Literally. Crack. 100% wildlife conspiracy theory, promised to a friend after I joked about the excessive amount of turkey-induced blackouts in my neighborhood.

Attack of the turkeys on my neighborhood. A conspiracy written to reflect neighborhood events. I swear, those turkeys are out to get us... ( ò-ó)

Sometimes I feel like trash ( ; ω ; )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~great personal shame~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 4:39:25 in the morning of June 23, 2020, and the early morning light was filtering through the dry leaves of the gnarled trees. Beneath the makeshift swing on the riverbank, there was a small gathering of turkeys, who were puttering around carefully, trying not to make too much noise.

They called themselves the HOT, short for the Hostile Omnipotent Turkeys, and the fancied themselves vigilantes, or avengers of a sort.

They were an outlying group from the mainframe of turkey society, where turkey's were respected in an age based system... HOT was different in that an individual turkey's importance and position was to be determined by the accumulated points earned by extracting vengeance upon the encroachers on their beautiful home and careful habitats.

Much like ay other vigilante group, HOT had a constitution, or an agreement of sorts, describing of who HOT may consist of, and what HOT was created to do.

The contract:

The Constitution of the H.O.T. (Hostile Omnipotent Turkeys) as Defined by and

Agreed Upon by the Whole Group, with Occasional but Good Addendums: title written by Glorious Gloria

body writun by dumb Durvid

~~~~~
group form beecuz ideal that we must protect all turkey-kind also preserve

our nest sleeping place and areas of convention. H.O.T. exists solely for purpose to driving malevolantt, ignorent, stupid butt, ugly invaders back to trash land. also for them take shiny stinking-shiny-rock killers with them!

group not based on seniority, not stupid old people, not exclusive too! we cel

come all... We welcome all turkeys. only turkey thou. oTher stupidhead like cat and coyote evil angry backstabber, deserve to die in whole by self

wish two be in group? must:

I. be alive

II. be turkey for most majestic bird and most supremely

III. ok to die for kill corn can

VI. protect auther turkey

V. complete three smol missions or one enorgigantibum mission per moon full health

KIA or MIA will bestow full honor and inHall of good famousness

Addendums:

1. accept other bird type if like turkey, also small animal

2. turkey vulture squirrel rabbit are friends

3. turkey wulture ate William, not friend

4. squirrel ate my food, not friend

5. rabbit only poop, useless and not friend

6. ALL OTHER ANIMEL BADD NOT FROEND BUT FOE

7. no other bird welcome

As of 20:08:57 in the evening of June 24, 2020, Dumb David (who had failed school), Glorious Gloria (who had exceptionally fabulous plumage and excellent writing), Roadkill Reed (who had once been run over by a four year old in a golf cart), Stupendous Stanley (who had so confused a coyote with his antics that the coyote had walked into a wall), Brilliant Bree (who was the evil mastermind driving the organization), Old Ollie (who had lived before the invaders had ever set foot in the country... He was so old, he was practically dead. He still held the honorary position of group mascot), and nearly thirty other turkeys had vigorously signed the contract.

It is 4:37:22 about dawn of June 25, 2020... They commenced operation ekeltrickety, which had something to do with large green boxes and wires...

Phase One was going smoothly. Eight turkeys, a fair portion of HOT, had circled around an intersection, lying in ambush. A car had started on the winding curve and the new initiate, Curly Charlie, strutted out to greet it... The car swerved violently, and toppled a one of those... branch-less trees...

Ten points to Curly Charlie. Promotion to official member.

Phase Two was— actually— an unexpected development. No losses were expected. The turkeys bobbed their necks, chattering excitedly as they returned to camp to report their new win, thinking about the wild blackberries they would probably be having later.

Dumb David and Stupendous Stanley were chattering the loudest. They flapped their wings giddily, letting the wind catch them and let them slowly fall back to the ground, until David jumped over a transformer, and slammed headfirst into it. At 5:00:46 in the morning of June 25, 2020 the transformer was pierced and the entire neighborhood lost all power. Dumb David had inadvertently sacrificed himself to be the martyr of turkey-kind.

When the PG&E people found Dumb David's body, the neighborhood knew within three hours.

6:51:28 of June 26, 2020, hunters rode out on family horses to shoot themselves a turkey for thanksgiving.

By 6:58:39 of June 26, 2020, the entire turkey community had joined HOT. Brilliant Bree enlisted the help of the Outstanding Emu Brigade, who had won an official war with Australia and was consistently training and pruning an excellent army.

And thus the Terrifying Turkey War began...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~great personal shame~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: Guys I think I gave myself cancer writing this. I'm off to go collect my poor, fried, abandoned brain cells and I'll probably tell you when I find them... On my tumblr (qr-sa).. But I am dead as of now, so...