DIS: (grabs at head, banging into walls) Why me? Why me? Why? Why? Why?
Kaiba: (crosses arms across chest and raises an eyebrow) Must I answer such an ignorant question.
Marik: Hey! Get the hell out of here! I'm her favorite, I get spoiled beyond belief.
DIS:...Well, actually...(grabs Bakura) For the time being, he's getting spoiled beyond belief because I can't choose between two adorable hotties! (looks Bakura over) Three adorable hotties. (grabs Yami instead) There. That works.
Yami: (pouts)
DIS: Here's some candy!
Yami: Yay!
Other three:...This sucks.
DIS: Anyway, please read below and enjoy! Somehow I have a feeling that Kaiba lovers will enjoy this very much! (wink)
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Title: All because of Mokuba
Rating: T
Genre: Humor
Summary: Mokuba wants ice cream and Kaiba goes out to get him some and takes a bus with Yami. Along with the people on it, he deal with a rabid cashier. Short One-shot
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh
Notes/Warnings: GOOD BUDDHA, WHY AM I GETTING SO MANY HUMOR IDEAS?...Kaiba-centered and kind of Yami-centered. Short One-shot. This is slightly based on my own experience on a bus when I was younger. (shudders) Ugh.
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The Bus Ride
Kaiba hated commoners. There were only two commoners he could tolerate: Anzu Mazaki and Ryou Bakura. The others could go to hell for all he cared. And the one peasant he despised the most was Yami Mutou, once the great Pharaoh Atemu of Egypt. He may have been a great Pharaoh in his past life, but as for this life, Kaiba considered him this...thing...that will never go away. With that in mind, Kaiba hopes to one day make the president decide that killing someone isn't illegal – just for him – and that he can murder Yami. Either that, or Kaiba is going to hire a hit man. It all really depends on how the CEO is feeling.
Kaiba also hated buses. Ooh...Buses. Yami and buses were his two greatest annoyances. Why explain why Seto Kaiba hates buses? Why not tell you the story of why Kaiba hates buses so much? Yes, that's what we'll do.
Well, Seto Kaiba normally avoided doing anything on weekends except relaxing – somewhat – and reading. However, Mokuba was being a little – let's not name any names for now.
"Big brother!" Mokuba called, skipping down the stairs. "Oh, Seto!" He called again in a sing-song voice. Kaiba ignored him, enjoying his coffee immensely. Mokuba stood in front of him, his hands on his hips, staring down at him with a smile on his lips. "Hi, big brother."
"Hello, Mokuba," Kaiba greeted distractedly, reading his book. I'm never letting Miss Pivots buy me another book again. I swear that's a sex scene every two pages...
"I want some ice cream." The CEO looked up from his book, raising an eyebrow.
"Look in the freezer."
"I did," Mokuba lied.
That was another thing that annoyed Kaiba. His brother, at times. When he was being truly obnoxious, all Mokuba wanted to do was, well...Being a little shit. And that, Kaiba concluded, was the time when he wanted to be locked in his office. He didn't really hate his brother. He loved his brother since he was the only relative he had, but Mokuba was getting to that age where irritating every living being was mandatory. Kaiba was never like that himself so how did his little brother end up that way?
"And?" Kaiba prompted, looking up at his brother. Why did it seem as though Mokuba had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes? It gave him the chills to be completely honest.
"And...There's no double chocolate fudge and caramel ice cream in there!" Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporation, and once King of Duel Monsters, could only stare at his brother. Was he serious? Was he honestly telling him there wasn't any double chocolate fudge and caramel ice cream in the freezer? It was his brother's favorite and he had been careful to get as much as he could. For a long time, Kaiba wasn't sure if he heard right. He ran the last sentence his brother had said through his head and the one word that rang through his head was 'no.'
This can't be happening, he thought miserably. "I don't know what to tell you, Mokuba," his elder brother said. "As you know, our limousines are in for mechanics so we can't go anywhere today." Mokuba pouted.
"But Seto – "
"Mokuba, this is the weekend. These are the days when I rest, relax, and ignore everyone else."
"You already do ignore everyone else," Mokuba muttered under his breath. Kaiba ran a hand through his hair. He still couldn't believe that he was having this conversation with his brother.
He couldn't have eaten all that ice cream...Kaiba thought to himself, thinking of the many tubs of double chocolate fudge and caramel ice cream he had ordered. "Check the freezer again."
"I checked it, like, a bazillion times, Seto!" Mokuba whined. "Please, please go get me some!" Sighing, Kaiba marked his page in the erotic book, not really caring and stood up. His younger brother beamed as he went upstairs to dress more appropriately.
The things I do for my brother, he thought irritably.
X
The other thing that Kaiba hated was...well, people in general. They always stare at you if you're not like them. If you're some guy wearing lipstick and a dress, they stare at you (then again, Kaiba would stare, too.) If you're some FBI-looking person, they stare. Or, what was happening to Seto Kaiba at the moment, if you're a rich, famous businessman and bachelor, and you're not sitting in your long, cool-ass limo, then they stare at you. Or rather...gawk. Glare, with some men and drool, like some women. It was sickening and Kaiba was reminded why he was driven in a limo. So I don't have to deal with these imbeciles, he thought nastily, glaring at them. They just stared at him. Seething, he hastened his pace and almost groaned, seeing who was at the bus stop. I've never rode a bus, but even if it's not that bad, it will be with Yami on it.
Seto Kaiba hadn't really given any thought to buses. In fact, he had wanted to get rid of them...Until now. Yami looked at Kaiba in puzzlement as he stood beside him.
"Well, well," Yami eyed Kaiba. "Look who's here. Where's your fancy shmancy limo?"
"Shut up, Yami, I'm not in the mood."
"Yeah?" Yami shrugged and they lapsed into silence. "Ever take a bus?"
"No."
"Me neither, but Grandpa won't let me use the car or anything." He sighed. "It's no fair..."
"...Didn't he have another car?"
"Yeah."
"And you...What the hell did you do to it?"
"I smashed it into a telephone pole and he had a heart attack. He was in the car with Yuugi and me."
"Good going," Kaiba said sarcastically.
"Hey, it was an accident! Okay? Dear Ra...People are so moody today."
"(-.-) Uh huh."
"The bus is coming."
"Uh huh." Kaiba looked at the long vehicle and he could say it was almost a limo, except...Except the bus was ugly. His limo was at least polished continuously and kept beautifully clean – unlike this peace of crap bus. He sighed and followed Yami on it, paying. He had found a quarter on the ground. He would feel a bit...stupid...if he asked the bus driver to break a hundred. Just for a quarter, too, he thought to himself. He took a seat next to Yami in the middle of the bus and he almost gagged at the smell of the bus. He glanced down and it seemed like his breakfast was coming up his throat. Yes...This was hell.
"Hey, sweetie pie," a blonde came and sat next to Kaiba.
Did you try drowning yourself in perfume, whore bag? He asked her silently, eyeing her with disdain. She smiled, thinking he was eyeing her with something completely opposite. Yes, I want to screw you, he thought sarcastically. Stupid prostitute. He looked to Yami, who was making odd coughing noises. I hate him...
"My name is Darla. Gee, you sure do look familiar..." She leaned closer and Kaiba moved to the side, towards Yami, who squeaked as he was pushed into some old lady.
"Sonny, what're you doin'?" The old lady asked, waving her cane, cackling. "Trying to get a feel of me, eh?"
Oh, Ra, no! Yami thought in disgust. Now, not only was Kaiba getting hit on by a hooker, but some old woman was getting the impression that he wanted to grope her. Yami jerked back and he heard an excited squeal come from the hooker. He blinked, realizing he threw Kaiba partially on top of 'Darla.'
"Ooh! So you do like me!" She giggled. "But I cost a lot."
"Yami...Get off me." And save me from this whore while you're at it.
As though he heard Kaiba's prayer, Yami said to Darla, "Hey, slut!" Frowning, she turned to him. Yami actually just felt bad for Kaiba and wanted to make it up to him. "You're not hittin' on my boyfriend, are you?" The old lady's eyebrows raised and a man that was reading a newspaper looked at him suspiciously, before returning to the paper. Darla's jaw dropped and she flushed in embarrassment.
"Oh...Excuse me, I didn't know you drifted that way." She scuttled off and Kaiba moved away from Yami, disgusted.
"You couldn't have come up with something else?" He demanded.
"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Kaiba glared at him in response. "...Sorry?"
"You better damn well be!" The CEO was regretting ever waking up this Saturday morning.
(Later)
Kaiba hated obesity. Any person that is fat deserved to die. Oh, he never knew he despised fat people until that day on the bus. In fact, he hardly spared them a glance. To him, they were just these...gumdrops – like in Candy Land. He didn't exactly pay attention to many people around him. There had only been one woman that he'd been attracted to and she'd been stupid enough to be friends with Yami. (Can you guess who it is?) As for men...the only guys he approved of (that should live) were Mokuba and Ryou Bakura. The rest he didn't care for.
At that moment, Kaiba's hate for fat people came because of the very large man that was squishing him against Yami. It was a very uncomfortable position, mainly because of – well, because Kaiba hated everyone on this bus except himself. I'll never smell the same after this, he decided, trying not to puke at the stench the man gave off. And he's touching me! Is he rotting from the inside or something? He eyed the fat man in resentment.
"Hey!" He gasped out. The man looked to him. "Ever hear of dieting? Or exercising?" Kaiba wasn't feeling very polite today. "I have a diet bar called 'Hey, fatso, eat this!'" The fat man was glaring at him now. "What're you looking at? – Or are those even your eyes?"
"(o.o) Kaiba..." Yami began, but it was too late. The man gave a growl and laid on top of both Kaiba and Yami. They clawed at the cushions, trying to get up from underneath him but the man knew how to attempt murder! "Can't...breathe!" A moment later, Yami passed out right after the man left the bus since it had stopped where he needed to get off. Kaiba gasped and let out a disgusted sound.
"Goddammit, I smell like panther piss!" He growled to himself. He wanted to simply lie down and die now. This experience was bad enough...
(After Yami regained consciousness)
"Wahh! Wahh!" Kaiba was sitting next to a mother with a baby that would not shut up. For awhile, he could tolerate it and then...Then it just got annoying. And, of course, Yami had been bickering with him about whether cheddar or brie cheese was better. Kaiba doubted that Yami had even had brie cheese before.
"Will you just feed that kid?" Kaiba snapped at last. She looked at him in confusion.
"You won't mind?"
"No, hell no!"
"Oh...Well, alright," the woman said with a shrug. Kaiba sighed in relief, but then he wondered why she asked whether she minded if she fed the kid. He turned to ask, then he leaped to his feet, seeing she breast-feeding her child.
"For God's sake, you people are disgusting!" He glared at the woman, who glared back at him, covering her breast. "I don't see how you can live this way!"
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"Thanks a lot, Kaiba," Yami muttered. A kid on the bus stuck his tongue out at Kaiba and, in return, he flipped him off. The kid's face turned to shock and the mother mouthed, 'bastard' to him, but Kaiba really didn't care. He just wanted to get that damn ice cream of Mokuba's and go home.
"Um...What are you guys doing on the street?" A voice asked from behind. They turned to see Mai and Anzu with bags full of things.
"Anzu!" Yami greeted brightly, hurrying to his feet with a bright smile. Kaiba followed suit, though much slower.
"Kaiba, where's your limo?" Anzu asked, blinking.
"Don't ask."
"So, you two need a ride?" Mai asked them.
"Yes!" Both immediately replied. The females laughed at the dirty looks shot to each other.
X
Kaiba was the last in line so he had to wait what seemed like hours until he came to the cashier. The teenager named Bob looked at him suspiciously, before scanning the ice cream.
"That'll be five fifty," Bob told him.
I just don't care anymore, Kaiba thought tiredly. "Can you break a hundred?"
"A hundred?" Bob repeated. "What? Are you some rich, hotshot guy that gets all the babes? Huh? Are ya? You are! You guys disgust me! You are so conceited and so 'ooh, I'm a pretty boy, la-di-da!' NO, I WILL NOT BREAK YOUR HUNDRED BECAUSE I HATE YOU! I SPIT ON YOUR SHOES!" He spat at Kaiba's feet and missed. "...I still spit on them!"
"Kaiba, is something wrong?" Anzu asked, coming up to him.
"(-.-) Oh, no, just this complete asshole won't break my money."
"(o.o) Ohh...Um, here, I'll pay for it, Kaiba."
"Mazaki, I think I can – " He began indignantly, but she slapped a hand over his mouth and paid it, taking the ice cream and dragging him outside.
"You don't have to thank me. Here's your ice cream. You were starting to make a scene back there."
Me? Kaiba thought angrily. That little pansy ass back there was making a scene!
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Kaiba dragged himself into his home, the tub of double chocolate fudge and caramel ice cream in his hands. He could hardly believe that he had went through all that trouble and all that shit just to get his little brother a tub of ice cream. Then again, Kaiba reflected, I didn't really think that was going to happen. "Mokuba!" He came into the kitchen and saw his brother...eating double chocolate fudge and caramel ice cream.
"Hi, Seto!" Mokuba chirped. "I guess we had some left after all."
"...I see." He put the ice cream in the fridge and went to take a cold shower. Before I burst into flames from so much stress and rage, he thought. I hate Mokuba sometimes...
Fin
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DIS: Poor Kaiba-kun! Well, that's it! Maybe I'll do a sequel, though I dunno what it'd be about. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it and please review and tell me how it was! I know it wasn't that funny, but I had to get this idea out of my head. Love y'all, sayonara!