Okay... I've been seeing weird fics with Biblical themes lately so I decided I should write something too! I'm not really the kind of person who would normally do this but I decided to just hop on the bandwagon. I wrote this as a response to fics like "The Prayer Warriors" and "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles". Enjoy... I hope.

The sun rose over Bikini Bottom one carefree day. The earth's rotation had nothing to do with this, God did it, duh. SpongeBob was asleep in his pineapple house when his foghorn alarm woke him up and blew his eardrums out. Unruffled by nearly going deaf, he took in a deep breath of the fresh undersea air (water?) and said, "Good morning, Jesus! How are you today?"

"I'm great, SpongeBob!" a voice from Heaven called down. "Remember to read your Bible today! And it'd better not be that godless heretic NIV version, either!"

"Yes, sir, Jesus!" answered SpongeBob, saluting with a smile. Grabbing his trusty King James Bible, SpongeBob began to read his passage of the day.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

—1 John 1:9

"Wow, how inspirational, Jesus!" said SpongeBob in awe and wonder. "But it's too lovey and all. That won't bring people to the One and True Christ. It'll send people to a liberal "Christian" church that worships a false version of You, one that supports gay marriage, not the true You. That sucks! Give me a different verse, Jesus!"

"Okay, SpongeBob!" Jesus chuckled heartily. "I'll find you another one." He turned the Bible to another page while SpongeBob was holding it. "Here you go! I got you three verses this time."

For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee. The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity. Thou shall destroy them that speak leasing: the LORD will abhor the bloody and deceitful man.

—Psalm 5:4-6

"Heck, yeah!" the yellow sponge yelled, fist-pumping. "Smite those evil atheists and sinners with fire and brimstone!"

"Well, SpongeBob, I'm off to go reign on the right hand of My Father, God," Jesus' voice echoed down once more. "I hope you have a swell day at work!"

"Bye, Jesus!" said SpongeBob as he waved cheerfully.

SpongeBob then took a shower (making sure to close his eyes when he washed his private area), got dressed, fed Gary, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, and put on his work hat. As he was leaving his house, he couldn't help but feel something foreboding in the air...

When SpongeBob arrived at the Krusty Krab, he noticed that his friend and fellow employee, Squidward Tentacles, was already sitting behind the register. He walked up to him and flicked his nose playfully, then breathed in his face with big shiny eyes until the octopus finally turned to look at him.

"What is it, SpongeBob?" an annoyed Squidward asked quietly.

"DID YOU REMEMBER TO READ GOD'S WORD THIS MORNING?!" screamed SpongeBob over-enthusiastically.

Squidward sighed heavily and answered, "SpongeBob, there is no God. The Bible is not God's Word, because He doesn't exist."

SpongeBob gasped loudly, absolutely horrified. "Squidward..." he whispered, his body quivering slightly. "How could you so blatantly and unrepentantly blaspheme God and His Word like that?"

"SpongeBob, there's no evidence at all for any God. Why would I believe in something if there's no evidence for it?"

"I know, Squidward, but that's why you've got to have faith!"

Squidward was losing his patience. "SpongeBob, I already told you—"

"But, Squidward..." SpongeBob interrupted, flipping through his Bible until he found a verse. "Psalm 53:1 says, The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good."

Squidward laughed nasally. "SpongeBob, SpongeBob. Hand me that Bible." He obliged, and Squidward promptly flipped over to a different page. "Here. Matthew 5:22B..." He pointed to each word as he said it. "But whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire."

"Squidward, I can't believe you're taking verses out of context!" countered SpongeBob. "You gotta get saved, Squidward, or you'll go to Hell when you die."

Squidward rolled his eyes and looked over at a random customer, making a funny face and the "cuckoo" sign. SpongeBob grew even more offended, and his voice lowered to nearly a whisper. "I will pray for you, lost soul." He trudged into the kitchen to pray, feet dragging. The patties could wait. It wasn't quite opening time yet anyway.

Chapter 2 is coming soon! R/R