Disclaimer: Paramount owns a lot. They need to cut us fanfic writers some slack. All I'm doing is writing some good, non-profit literature, and they think they can own us for it. Oh well. Things could be worse.
Note: This idea came to me from a poster on my sister's wall which reads "Everything I Know About Life I Learned From My Cat." I thought it would work well as a Voyager fic. It's not my usual style, but I thought it was quite cute. Please review and tell me the truth so I don't develop a complex.
Everything I Know About Life, I Learned From Star Trek; Voyager
By Kat Calls
* A shuttle is only as smart as the person driving it.
* Heavy emotional attachments are to be avoided at all costs, but sleeping with someone who is out of their mind with ponn farr is okay. So long as you have some kind of excuse for later, in case things don't work out.
* Past memories are fickle things. Bring them up when they help to prove your point, but otherwise you're allowed to ignore them.
* Always follow the rules, unless you can see some way of avoiding the consequences.
* Anyone sporting a fourty inch double D is allowed to replace the regular uniform with spandex. When you've got it, flaunt it.
* Never cross a redhead with a charged phaser. She won't kill you, but she knows where to aim so that it really hurts.
* The one who is the most expendable should always be the one to volunteer.
* Small and harmless looking aliens always have an ulterior motive.
* Strategically placed spots can make you look handsome.
* Always keep a dermal regenerator and an osteoregenerator handy when you have to give a Klingon bad news. She will try to maim the messenger.
* The higher you climb in rank and status, the less of a social life you're allowed to have.
* 'First Officer' is just a fancy title for someone who gets all the horrible knitpicky jobs that the Captain doesn't want.
* Too much of Neelix' cooking is always a bad thing.
* Watch out for people who only have one letter in their name. They're either lying to you outright, or they have something more devious up their sleeve.
* Holodecks are very cool, but only when the characters aren't trying to kill you.
* The Doctor can fix everything except death. That's where time travel and strange phenomena have to take over.
* Always stand just beyond the turbolift doors in case of a red alert.
* Always respect your superiors. They are the only ones who can, and will activate the self-destruct sequence.