Episode II: The Hallucinations of the All-Girl's Camp:
Bart: Hey guys, I've got bad news. My sister Lisa has gone to an all-girls school because dad wanted to make it up to her!
TR: I hate all-girls schools. They gossip bad things about us guys, there's no way for a girl to find love, and in an open house, when a father has to go to the bathroom, there are no restrooms he can use!
Bart: And it gets worse! She's going to a sleepaway camp!
TR: SLEEPAWAY CAMP! Bart, during my life as a sandperson, there are 3 things you should avoid at all costs: Krayt Dragons, things that are pluralized with a Z, and sleepaway camps! And especially any combo of those things! Remember the ultimate horror movie incident?
[One flashback later.]
Bart: Oh man, what should we do?
Z-Man: Maybe you should tell your father and get him to hire us to secretly protect your daughter.
Bart: Can it wait? I promised my girlfriend du jour Gena that I'd meet her at her house later today so I could show her the true meaning of the greatest British punk band of the 1970s! Also known as The Clash.
TR: What the flarg? Did that vampire Sarah break up with you?
Bart: Yes. Now I met a new girl. She's new to my school and is very nice yet shy. She seemed to have a crush on me since her 1st day. Well, I guess I'm available now.
Jango Fett: No you aren't. Sorry to be a dad, but your sister's life is probably more important than the Clash.
Dengar: Hey, guys. There's a psycho killer on the loose somewhere in the Springfield Forest.
Bart: That's where Lisa will be! But I'm still not encouraged. [Phone rings.] Hold on. [Answers it.] Hello? Oh, hi Gena. What? Are you serious? Please don't! Noooo! [Sighs. Hangs up.]
TR: What? Did she break up with you?
Bart: Even worse. She's going to sleepaway camp too. Well, now I'm encouraged. We're goin' to war. It begins in 2 days, lets get packing.
[2 days later.]
Jango Fett: Guns?
TR: Check.
Jango Fett: Whipcord?
Bart: Check.
Jango Fett: Progressive Scanner?
Dengar: Check.
Jango Fett: Explosives?
Z-Man: Check.
Jango Fett: Tacos?
TR: Check! [Farts.] Uh, need another.
Z-Man: To the Sharkmobile!
Bart: You mean the ship you stole at the asteroid prison?
Z-Man: Yes.
Jango Fett: Actually, I stole it after losing my real ship, the Slave I.
[Lawyer warps in Terminator-style.]
Lawyer: Sir, the Slave I is trademarked by George Lucas! You have no right to use it for profit in this crappy script!
[Jango beats up the lawyer.]
Jango Fett: I'm Jango Fett, you nerfherder! I owned that ship before George Lucas made a movie about me! Why don't you go flarg yourself?
Lawyer: The words "flarg" and "Sharkmobile" are owned by the LA Sharks!
Jango Fett: YOU TERT, I HAVE THEIR COPYRIGHT!
Lawyer: Tert is owned by South Park Studios and Stan's sis-
Jango Fett: GO TO HOTH!
[Shoots lawyer.]
Jango Fett: This world doesn't need lawyers! Only more bounty hunters.
[Bart, Z-Man, TR, and Dengar stare involuntarily.]
Lawyer: [Rises from dead.] UGGHHH… SIGN THIS RELEASE FORM THAT STATES THAT I MAY EAT YOUR BRAINS…
[30 seconds later.]
Flaming Lawyer: PLEASE DON'T THROW ME OFF THIS CLIFF INTO A SARLAAC PIT.
Jango Fett: Shaddup.
[Throws lawyer into pit.]
Z-Man: Did you just kill him?
Jango Fett: Well, I hate being told what to do.
Bart: I think he just landed on the Sharkmobile.
Jango Fett: No problem. I know what to do. Hey Z, is the Slave I wreckage still in the garage?
Z-Man: Yuppers.
[Later.]
Mechanic: Good as new. Now how much am I getting paid?
Jango Fett: Hmmm… I don't know. Oh, I know! How about I let you live?
Mechanic: Oh, c'mon! Are you serious? I need real money!
[Jango shoots the mechanic.]
Z-Man: I can see why you're the most feared bounty hunter in the outer mid-rim.
TR: You know, he could have a wife and kids and a little hamster with a purse that has an ant and-
Jango Fett: I've reached my moron threshold for today, TR. Just get in.
[Slave I launches.]
TR: So who's the criminal?
Dengar: According to his dating site profile, his name is Robert "Golden" DeLorean. He's said to be 43, 5'4", and armed with a sniper rifle. His hobbies include finding sleepaway campers, cutting off their heads and sewing them into necklaces, and long walks on the beach.
[Bart hyperventilates.]
TR: Oh, c'mon, Bart! Walking on the beach isn't THAT bad!
Dengar: I think he's still scarred from the antlion incident.
Z-Man: How come he isn't in jail?
Jango Fett: He promised to be good.
Z-Man: Stupid honor system.
TR: If you give someone a taste of your own medicine, they'll only come back for more. That's what I learned from Duke Nukem.
Z-Man: He never said that.
TR: Whatever.
Bart: I got a bad feeling in my stomach.
TR: Maybe you need some of your own medicine!
Z-Man: Don't worry, we'll hunt him down.
Jango Fett: [Lands.] Here we are. Set up a base camp at coordinates 31os45146byob1 by XZBa0-9946ig88.
TR: Where?
Jango Fett: Over by that mossy rock.
Bart: Alright. Two of us are going to stay back and guard the camp.
Dengar: Are you letting your fears get to you?
Bart: Yes. But I'm not a Jedi, I'm a bounty hunter.
Z-Man: Sometimes bounty hunters will hunt their friends if they have to.
[Flashback. 5 years ago.]
Z-Man: I don't wanna hurt you, Mark, but I will! Just pay the money!
Mark: Go ahead! I ain't goin' back with Sebolto!
[Present.]
Z-Man: Those were dark times.
Bart: TR, you're staying with me.
[They reach and set up the camp.]
Bart: Now let's watch and guard.
[Hours later. Bart and TR are asleep. The fire crackles and they wake.]
Bart: Huh? What happened?
TR: We fell asleep.
Bart: Oh. It's dark out here.
[Twig snaps nearby.]
Bart: What was that?
[Leaf pile rustles.]
TR: I'm scared!
[Conveniently placed TV turns on with a news report saying a blizzard will cover the tracks of an escaped killer who escaped after he murdered someone in this area today 50 years ago.]
Bart: Wait… what?
TR: Oh wait, it was just a squirrel.
Squirrel: [Pulls out katana.] HAAAIII-YAAAHHH!
[TR clubs it home-run style into the stratosphere.]
Bart: That was anticlimactic.
TR: [Looooong pause.] Do you think the boogeyman exists?
Bart: No. But sometimes, our minds play tricks on us, and we think so.
TR: I'm bored.
Bart: Wanna dare each other to eat these really hot peppers?
TR: Yeah, boy!
[5 minutes later.]
Bart: SOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!
TR: I am so the boss of you!
Bart: Oh c'mon! You eat SAND! Your taste buds have eroded!
TR: Screaming doesn't get you this glass of milk!
[Suddenly, they hear someone breathing heavily.]
TR: Oh look, the squirrel's back! But it's bigger...
Bart: There's a bear behind me, isn't there?
TR: Sign this contract saying I'm not responsible for your death.
Bart: No thanks. You're still held responsible.
[System of a Down comes and plays B.Y.O.B.]
System of a Down: Everybody's goin' to the party have a real good time.
Bart: I think System of a Down is trying to tell us something.
[TR tranquilizes the bear while he's rawking out.]
TR: I think we're supposed to go to some party where a murder might occur.
Bart: Then let's go to the party. We could just re-ignite the campfire later by making me breathe on it.
[The next morning.]
Bart: The sign says "No Boys Allowed".
TR: Who the Hoth cares?
[Shoots sign.]
Bart: I still got a bad feeling about this. It also says "Any boy that trespasses will be beaten senselessly 'till you're dead dead dead".
TR: Then we need a real bounty hunter who can go in without being hurt.
Bart: Let me guess, Samus Aran?
TR: No, too cliché. I'm thinkin' of someone who's not female. We need someone who can destroy a battleship. And I don't mean Chuck Norris.
Bart: Yo momma?
TR: She died when I was little, you insensitive little jerk. And no, I mean that biker guy. You know, Dennis.
Bart: For the love of science, no! Remember that time we failed to capture Mrs. Stevenson and teamed up with him?
TR: Mrs. Stevenson, the kindergarten teacher? Why was she wa-?
[Bart does the classic "that's pretty obvious" look.]
TR: Oh yeah, riiiiight.
Bart: You remember how that ended up, right?
TR: Yeah. I never knew how long the intestinal tract was. But who cares?
[Dennis comes riding a motorcycle.]
Dennis: Did someone say mah name? I came here as fast as I could. I've only failed one mission. So you don't need to worry. I've got it all under control. Also, I've had like 20 shots, so I'm totally wired!
TR: Coffee or alcohol?
Dennis: Why can't it be both?
[He enters the party.]
Security Guard: Hey, cowboy! Read the sign!
Girls: No boys allowed!
[Dennis grabs the security and roundhouse-kicks him into a glacier. Just so you know, he's once got bitten by Chuck Norris, and since he's tough, instead of dying, he got some of his powers.]
Dennis: Let's crash this party!
Bart: Ok, so we're crashing a party when we're supposed to be protecting. What now?
TR: Let's get some Megadeth up in this!
[Megadeth comes and a monster ballad begins.]
Otto: LONG LIVE THE METAL!
TR: Isn't this awesome!
Bart: No. I'm going to Mini Moe's.
[Bart tries to leave, but bumps into Gena.]
Gena: Bart? What are you doing here?
Bart: You'll think I'm crazy, but there's a psycho killer on the loose in these hills. And I work in a bounty huntin' business. Me and the guy with the bandages were supposed to protect you and my sister Lisa. But the guy with the bandages went random and now, well, here we are.
Gena: Uh huh. You'd think I'd believe that?
Bart: Sure. Why else would I have a sniper rifle and be dressed in black right now?
Gena: Bart, you're handsome, but you're still a total liar.
Bart: But-?
Gena: We're through.
Bart: What? Are you serious? We were almost reaching 2nd base! What are the chances of being able to get there at age 10?
Gena: Not high, I can imagine.
Bart: Gena, I really love you for this week!
Gena: I don't care. I'm going to join the Justin Bieber Fan Club!
[Gena walks away.]
Bart: What's wrong with my life? [Annoyed grunt.] I feel like a monster.
TR: Hey, look. It's Skillet.
Skillet: I! I feel like a monster!
Bart: Jeezus! HOW MANY BANDS ARE GONNA SHOW UP TODAY?
Mr. Krabs: Just me, with my world's smallest ELECTRIC METAL GUITAR!
[Plays Before I Forget on a low volume.]
Bart: I'm very flattered.
TR: That's the spirit!
Bart: I was being sarcastic. [Sighs.]
[Bart looks at Gena as she walks away. Suddenly a Krayt Dragon swoops in and abducts her.]
TR: WHAT?
Bart: Holy shistavanen! Gena just got abducted! We must save her!
TR: Oh, c'mon! They were about to perform "Boulevard of Broken Dreams".
Bart: DO YOU HAVE NO HEART!
TR: Bart, learn your lesson. She's not gonna come back to you. And besides, I'm a Tusken Raider. What do you expect? We don't have any romantic feelings for anyone. 'Cept when we're drunk.
[Flashback to Episode IV.]
Luke: There are Sand People around here…
Tusken Raider: RRAAGGH! GERROOOOR!*
(*Translation: I love you, man!)
Luke: Aaaggghhh!
[Pew pew pew. Etc… Goes back to present scene.]
Bart: DAH! FORGET YOU!
[Bart grabs lots of ammunition.]
TR: You're definitely gonna die.
Bart: Then I'll see you in Hoth! If that's where you go when you die.
[Steals Dennis's ride.]
Dennis: Did he just steal my ride?
TR: If it's a motorcycle with a license plate saying "I KILL U", then yes.
Dennis: I don't wanna see a scratch on it when he gives it back.
[Bart sees the Krayt Dragon and snipes it. Yes. From a motorcycle. He is the ultimate badass. He sees it drop Gena to Vampire Valley.]
Bart: Dang, should've thought of that before. THIS IS PATRICK!
[Motorcycle explodes for no reason. Meanwhile.]
Z-Man: This is boring! We haven't seen anything all day!
Jango Fett: I suggest we go down there and see what's going on.
Dengar: [Runs over.] Hey, guys, I went down there and saw a wild party.
Z-Man: No psycho killer?
Dengar: There's Dennis. So is TR. But not Bart. TR said something about him and some breaking up just for lying. Then something about a flying Krayt Dragon abduction. Then something about Bart jacking Dennis's motorcycle. Other than that, no psycho killer.
Jango Fett: I thought you were supposed to have a good memory.
Dengar: Well, yeah, but it's… occupied by something at the moment.
Jango Fett: What KIND of "something"?
Dengar: You know… bounty hunting… gun... manly stuff… [In his head.] They call me Hell! They call me Stacy! They call me Her! They call me Jane! That's Not My Name! That's Not My Name!
Jango Frett: This does not sound good… Hey! You just misspelled my name! I'm not a guitar thing!
Z-Man: [Sigh.] Let's just go down there and see for ourselves.
[Bart drives into Vampire Valley on another motorcycle he found.]
Bart: Glad I've still got a driver's license. [Motorcycle stalls.] Crap.
[He gets off and sees a figure. He uses his progressive scanner and checks, only to find out that he's Robert DeLorean.]
Bart: Right. Freeze! [Bounty runs.] Oh no you didn't, GIRL-FRIEND!
[Snaps fingers in a Z shape and gives chase. Suddenly, he stops to find a figure resembling Gena in ghost form.]
Ghost Gena: Bart, where are you going? Why are you leaving me here?
Bart: I think I'm suffering from "Hal, You See Nations?", the hit new single from the LA Sharks.
LA Sharks: THE ROOF IS COMING OUT OF THE FAUCET! AH, OH, EH, OH, UH, AHK! RRRRIIIIICOOOOLLLLAAAA! I GOT IMPREGNATED BY A TRAIN…!
Alex: Wait, that's a lyric from "I Set Fire To My Reindeer".
Edgar: I really wanna be in L.A
Liam: I quit.
Blake: WHEE! I'MMA SEAL!
[They all get hit by polar bears that fall from the sky.]
Bart: What the Hoth is goin' on here? What is this, Lost? And Gena, why did you turn into a ghost!
Gena: Bart.
Bart: That's mah name.
Gena: Baaarrrt…
Bart: WHAT?
Gena: Baaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrtttttt…
Bart: I can't take much more of this! I gotta get outta here! But…there's too many disturbances! SOMEBODY MAKE THEM ALL GO AWAY!
[Jango Fett comes out and shoots everything except for Bart and Robert.]
TR: Convenient.
Gena: Bart! Please come back…
[BANG!]
Jango Fett: You didn't say please.
Bart: Actually, she did.
Jango Fett: I'd shoot either way. She stole my Whopper at Spaceburger King last Tuesday.
Bart: I'd still say no either way. Well, I'm single again.
[Gena comes out.]
Gena: Yes you are.
Bart: You're alive! And well! And… not… my… girlfriend… anymore.
Gena: And a zombie. Now, let me see your big, JUICY, LUCIOUS BRAINS!
[Leaps at him.]
Bart: Wait, if this is Vampire Valley, then how come you're a zombie? Oh, I have a weird feeling in my… [Looks down.] I'M GETTING MY BLOOD SUCKED! Back off! I've got a bottle of holy water right here! I can't believe I never got baptized.
[Gena runs away.]
Jango Fett: We've got Robert DeLorean right here.
Bart: But I still need another girl.
[They get into Slave I.]
Bart: I'm single again. At least there's still 98.7 FM.
Dengar: Hey, where's TR?
TR: [Back at the party.]
All my life I've been over the top!
I don't know what I'm doing!
All I know is I don't wanna stop!
All fired up I'm gonna go 'till I drop!
You're either in or in the way!
Don't make me, I don't wanna stop!
Ozzy Osbourne: I'm tired. Can we go home now?
TR: No thanks. I'm staying here! I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL AND NIGHT!
Bart: …and party every day?
TR: No, that's when I recover from my hangovers.
Ozzy Osbourne: O_o
Dennis: We've got TIE Interceptors coming in from the South! GET DOWN!
[TIE Fighters bombard them. TR throws his guitar at one.]
TR: HAIIII-YYAAHHH!
[TIE fighter explodes and crashes into Naboo, pinning Jar-Jar under it.]
Jar-Jar: Oh no! Meesa gonna die!
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE'S DEAD YES