(This probably should've happened directly after the guys got back from Kami-sama's place the first time, but obviously, they were in no shape then to do anything of the sort. So I guess we can place it somewhere between Saiyuki vol. 9 and Reload vol. 1--after they've left the second time.)

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In the end, none of them died before they reached a town, despite having Sanzo at the wheel--which had been an experience in itself, even viewed through a semi-conscious haze. Hakkai, though bloody and battered, managed the supply shopping on pure autopilot and was even able to muster enough charm to negotiate with the local innkeeper. As they trudged toward their rooms--separate rooms, thank all gods--all Gojyo wanted on earth was a shower and about 20 hours' uninterrupted sleep. With maybe a beer or two in there somewhere.

Sanzo in the lead was, of course, carrying none of Hakkai's purchases, which left Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku in single file with a bag apiece. As they trooped down the hall, Gojyo heard an awkward little "ahem" from behind him. "--um, Gojyo?"

"--Hn?" --damn, these bags were heavy, and they were all hurt, more or less badly…

The kid kept his voice down, probably to keep it from carrying to the front of the line.

"I didn't get a chance to say this, 'cause so much stuff happened. But I'm super glad you're back."

Surprised, he glanced over his shoulder at Goku, who looked up at him like your cutest worst nightmare, all gore and tatters and big hopeful golden eyes. "I mean it. It was awful. Everyone got all creepy when you were gone, even Hakuryu." Dropping his voice even lower: "Even Sanzo, though he's never gonna admit it."

"That so?" Huh. And here he'd thought they'd just chin up and soldier on. He was kinda touched, actually. "--Well, thanks, monkey. I'm glad too."

"So --you won't ever do that again, right?"

The kid's tone was light but his eyes were so hurt and urgent that Gojyo X'ed his heart. "Promise. On my honor."

And just like that everything was sunshine. "Okay! Later!" He set down the groceries at Hakkai's nod and trotted to his room two doors down. Gojyo looked after him and shook his head as he unlocked the door. Che, come on, saru, it can't've been that bad…

Hakkai followed him in.

Well now. Not that he minded, hell no, but-- "Thought we each had a room?"

"Not quite. We have three rooms. I wanted to share one with you."

Gojyo mentally downscaled those uninterrupted hours of sleep as they set down their sacks.

"Well, that's--"

And suddenly Hakkai was hugging him so tight his ribs creaked, face buried in his neck.

"I missed you," a whisper so fierce it was almost a hiss. "I missed you terribly."

He was shaking, nails dug into Gojyo's back, and Gojyo could feel how close to the brink he'd been, the white-knuckle grip he'd had on the edge of what passed for his sanity. He even smelled more youkai than he should. What the-- taken aback, what did happen here?--he gathered Hakkai close and held him tight, chin tucked over his shoulder, breathing into his soft hair.

"Shhh. It's OK now."

Hakkai drew back a little and stared at him, the beautiful summer-green eyes almost black with pain and worry, and then his fingers were clenched in Gojyo's hair, and he was kissing him as if they'd been separated a year. Gojyo kissed back with decent enthusiasm, considering, but his skull was buzzing, because one, sure, he'd had every intention of doing the job and coming back, but he hadn't exactly left a note or anything, so of course Hakkai'd thought he might never again see him alive; and two, intentions or not, there had been the chance he'd get his ass killed in there, right? And where would that have left--

"…Hakkai. Easy, 'Kai." They'd parted the kiss, but Hakkai was still trembling, and it wasn't from desire. Gojyo stroked his tense back, aching with remorse: what had he done?

"--god, I'm so sorry, I just…I didn't think--"

Didn't think what, moron? he scolded himself. That anyone would notice? That it would matter? Man, just think who you sound like...

"--that it'd make that much difference," he finished lamely. He nosed into the warm hollow under Hakkai's ear, pressed a soft kiss there; Hakkai breathed a long sigh, and slowly the shaking stopped.

"That's what you get for listening to Sanzo," he said after a moment; to Gojyo's relief his voice sounded steady, with a perfectly sane trace of wry humor. "Not that I think we'll be hearing that lecture again anytime soon."

"No? That'd be nice."

"No." Slightly grim edge to his tone. "I think our Sanzo has had a very sobering lesson on the importance of each member of the team."

Everyone got all creepy when you were gone… "--yeah, Goku said something like that, but I thought, y'know, he was exaggerating…"

Hakkai stood back, took him by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. "We fell apart. We barely lasted twelve hours. If I ever again hear you express any doubt of your value here, I am going to slap you."

"--whoa. Uh…holy shit."

He had no idea what else to say to that. Hakkai pressed their foreheads together for a moment, then glanced around the room. "If you'd like to hear the story, I'll be happy to tell it while we unpack these groceries."

He had the cutest way of shanghaiing people into hard labor. --Gojyo went out to the hall to get the bag Goku had left, and while they stacked cans and boxes Hakkai began to talk.

"Well, Sanzo was already in a dire mood. Something was nagging at him--I suspect it had to do with Kami-sama, but he wouldn't say. Plus, he was irritated that Goku and I kept worrying about you, and it didn't help that there was no one to light his cigarette at the dinner table."

"Hah! 'course not! I'd never've thought of that."

Hakkai glanced at him sidelong. "Neither did he until you weren't there. --So, of course, he dealt with the situation in typical Sanzo style."

"Locking down the whole thing and bitching at anyone who brings it up."

"Exactly." Hakkai frowned as he stacked cartons of Hi-Lites and Marlboro Reds. "By the time we were back in our room he was smoking like a chimney and had permanently banned the mention of your name."

"Serious?"

"Yes. Because if you were in trouble it was your own fault, and he had no time for anyone who'd desert the mission, and if we didn't like it we could either shut up or leave."

"What a prince. Remind me again why we don't kick his ass and go work for Kougaiji."

"--And there'd been no one to play road games and wrestle with Goku, so he was both hyperactive and bored senseless; but by that point Sanzo's temper was so foul that Goku decided to play with Hakuryu, though Hakuryu was trying to sleep at the time. Goku was bitten, and there was quite a row, and I--" deep breath. "--I had to try to settle Sanzo and Goku and Hakuryu, though I was--" another deep breath, long exhale, voice held tightly and precisely in check--"in no condition whatever to do so."

Gojyo looked at him, set down the cans he was carrying, came up behind Hakkai and folded his arms around him. Hakkai leaned back into the embrace, hands coming up to hold Gojyo's arms tightly to his chest.

"I don't know which was making me more angry," voice still under taut control and eyes fixed on the floor, "--that he was so determined to bully Goku and me into setting aside our concern for you, that he was in complete denial of his own worry about the existence of Kami-sama, or his refusal to admit what we could all see--that there was no chance of the mission going on with just three of us. He might as well have ordered Hakuryu to go on with only three wheels." He pressed his cheek to the back of Gojyo's hand. "I lost my temper and he lost his. We were shouting at each other, and …I came very close to losing control. Very close. I clearly remember thinking that I could tear his throat out faster than he could draw. I wanted to do it. If you were gone..I couldn't think of one good reason not to do it."

He'd had no idea he was that important to Hakkai.

He could only stand there and hold him. "But you didn't."

Deep sigh. "No. Thank heaven, Goku chose that moment to throw a pillow in Sanzo's face."

Gojyo nearly choked on his next breath. "You're fuckin' kidding me!"

"Directly in his face. The resulting silence was epic."

The step from deep tension to insane comedy was so abrupt that Gojyo, helpless, burst out laughing. "Damn! And I missed it! Man, I am buying that monkey the biggest dessert in this place." (--fuck, this happened because of me? Goku hit the center of his universe, his sun, because of a fight over me?) "What I'd give to have seen his face. I'll have to ask Goku what it was like-- shit, is he lucky to still be alive or what?--" leaning into Hakkai for support as he tried to catch his breath, he realized that the man had fallen silent, and leaned over his shoulder, drying his eyes on Hakkai's shirt since he refused to let go of Gojyo's hands.

"'Kai, you can't possibly be tired of that story already, it's classic."

"Not at all," Hakkai murmured. "I'm just so happy to hear you laugh." He could feel Hakkai's heartbeat, close, as if the pulse in his wrists echoed it. "No one else here does that."

He didn't know what to do with this dizzying sense of importance, of being valuable and precious somehow, because of course he wasn't, not--

"Um, Goku laughs a lot."

"Not when you weren't here." Hakkai shifted in his arms, turned to face him. "--Gojyo, listen."

Holding him in place with with those wonderful eyes that had arrested him from day one, from the moment they gazed up at him from a pool of blood.

"--I think even Sanzo has to accept that the gods know more than we do. We were chosen for this mission because of what we are and who we are. Who we are together." Looking straight into him. "We've become each other's conscience, and balance, and sanity. No one else can do this. Only us. All of us."

He couldn't've moved if he'd wanted to.

"--promise me you'll never leave again. Please."

They needed him. Hakkai needed him. They'd come unstuck in half a day because…

…he wasn't there to carry the groceries and entertain the monkey and light Sanzo's cigarettes. And laugh. And hold Hakkai when he feels like the limiters will shatter.

That's what the fate of the world rests on? Such little things?

What's that Zen thing Sanzo likes to say? Chop wood, carry water?

…hell, yeah.

He cradles the weight of Hakkai's skull in his palm, and Hakkai closes his eyes.

"Promise. Cross my heart."