Dear Nonnatus House,
I'm sorry but I can't stay here at Nonnatus House. Not like this, not as a nun. I've found joy, unimaginable joy but I can't have it and my life here. So I've decided to leave. In your office, Sister Julienne, you'll find all of the forms filed out and my habit. I'm taking nothing with me. I want you to know that this was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. But I have fallen in love with Doctor Turner and he I. We are to be married next week. I'm going to be Timothy's mother and hopefully a mother to many other children. I don't want the reputation of our Order and Nonnatus House to be associated with this so you can tell the local community that I have transferred if you prefer. I don't want you to be associated with a scandal.
I have struggled with my vocation for over a year now but there have been thoughts for nearly three. I wanted other things that the Order couldn't allow me. I want to have friends I can have a laugh with, that I can giggle and gossip with, friends I can trust with anything. I want a friendship like the nurses have. Do you know how many times I've stood outside your doors listening to the frivolity and wanting nothing more than to be in there with you. How many times I've watched you go off to dances and ache to be going too? I wanted this long before I fell in love with Patrick.
I want you to know that nothing untoward happened between Patrick and I. Neither one of us planned for this to happen or encouraged it but it became everything to us even as we fought strongly against it. I've been miserable trying to fight this, begging God to release me from this torment. But then he came to me. Told me that this was the path He wished me to take in life.
I know this will come as a shock and you may all be disappointed in me or feeling betrayed. That is why I can't stay. I think if I saw your disappointment it would be too painful to bear. You are all family to me. And as such there are things I need to say to you.
Sister Julienne. You have been my mother for 8 years now. For most of my life I didn't know the love of a mother, didn't know how wonderful it was. and if I could spare you the pain of this I would. You have taught me so much in every aspect of my life. I am who I am today because of you. You taught me love and kindness. I can only hope I am as good a mother to Tim and my future children as you were to me. I hope you do not mind but I intend to tell my children about you, about all of you, but they will always know you as their Grandma. They will come to love you as much as I do. Leaving you is hardest of all. I cannot imagine not having you just down the hall from me. You have always had time for me with an open ear and a comforting embrace and wise words of advice. I love you. I'm sorry.
Sister Evangelina you were the first person I met when I joined here 10 years ago. I was terrified and you helped me. You became my anchor in a brand new, scary world. You are the closest thing I have to a big sister and I love you dearly. You taught me how to be strong and to faith in myself. Because of this I have been able to embrace the truth of my love and changed path. I can now be joyful. I thank you for all of this. I know that you will probably take this worse than anyone and I am sorry. But you have to trust in me and Him.
Sister Monica Joan you have opened my mind to so many possibilities in life that I never imagined. Thanks to you I now have a wide knowledge of literature and philosophy, I am a better person for this. I am sorry for the distress my leaving will cause but know that I am no longer just 'blank sadness and continual tears,' as you described me only weeks ago. I am happy Sister. I thank you for your concern then and apologise for snapping at you. I know your concern came from a place of love. I have always admired you. You are incredible. I will miss so many things about you.
Trixie you have been a dear friend for many years now. On the gloomiest of days your smile can light up the room and lift my spirits. You're unending belief in love and beauty, whilst retaining a fierce devotion to your work, is remarkable. Thanks to you I am not afraid to love Patrick and am actually excited to doll myself up. I've listened to you wittering on about fashion enough that I feel confident for my sartorial future. i know now that it is possible to have fun and work hard.
Jenny you have made remarkable progress in the past 18 months. I know it was a bit of a culture shock moving to Poplar but you have adjusted admirably. When I think of how you were when you first joined us I hope that I can take some mall credit in helping you become the nurse you are now. The care you have for your patients is exceptional. I have no doubt you are going to be a truly exceptional midwife. You are kind and wise and thoughtful. You are a friend to all.
Cynthia, we are alike I think, you and I. We both like to think everything out in depth before we act. This has made you wise and sensitive and a great nurse. You love your friends deeply and truly. This is a gift. But do not let the world pass you by whilst you are thinking. I stopped over thinking and now I am ecstatically happy. Please consider impulsiveness in life. Embrace chaos. Don't be afraid to make a splash. You told me, last year, that you wished to better yourself as a nurse. You are already one of the best nurses I have met. I am honoured to have worked beside you these past 3 years.
Jane, I am so proud of you. You have made such incredible steps in the time you have been here. You should be proud of yourself. I shall miss our talks in the chapel dreadfully, you were the only who guessed anywhere close to the source of my torment. I am sorry that I can no loner be there for you so I shall leave you with some advice my grandmother once gave me' Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.' You are brave Jane. You are the bravest,most courageous woman I have ever met. Follow your dreams, live the life you want to live and always remember that you have been blessed with the best people you shall ever meet. Let them in, let them help you. I shall think of you constantly. Know that you don't need anyone but yourself to prove yourself worthy.
Chummy (once she returns from Africa). In the last 18 months you have provided me with so many laughs I cannot even count them. Your spirit is infectious and your heart unending. You surprised us all with your competence once you had the self belief to do it. You have always been too harsh on yourself. I hope you have had a splendid time in Africa. You are an excellent wife and shall be an incredible mother should the time come.
Fred, please do not get arrested. I'm very fond of you and you are an excellent handyman and friend to all in Nonnatus House. I have no doubt that one day you will be rich and successful. Just try not to injure anyone in the process. Even if you decide to give up on the whole enterprising you will always be loved by all.
Mrs B. You are the unsung hero of Nonnatus House and you far often go without your proper praise. You have saved us all so many times, have lifted our spirits when we were down or provided sustenance after a long day at work. You are invaluable to us. Thank you.
That's everyone I think. Please do not try and find me. It's better for everyone this way. I truly am sorry for this. I love you all. May God watch over you all.
With all of my love and apologies,
Shelagh Mannion
This is just the first chapter. Next one picks up a few years later. Hope you enjoyed.
Reviews appreciated xx