Disclaimer: Don't own -E!- or anything associated with -E!-. Never did. Never will. Only in my dreams. You've heard it all before...

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B is also for Berserk

This was it. This was the moment Chet had been waiting for. He knew that after a time it would finally happen, but that didn't make it any less painful to watch. After years of being dragged all over the -Emergency!- fandom, one Johnny Gage had finally lost it.

It was mid-afternoon on a bright sunny day. Both the squad and the engine had been parked on the concrete apron in front of the station to be thoroughly washed down after a brief, sooty and smoky brushfire assignment that morning. Chet, Captain Stanley, and Mike Stoker were working on the engine. Marco Lopez was the only one working on the squad, since Roy DeSoto had taken a shower and was changing into a clean uniform after getting floured by the Phantom, and Johnny was taking the opportunity of the empty apparatus bay to finish his assigned morning chore... and go completely batty.

"I've been thinking about us," Gage said into thin air as he mopped the floor. "It seems so long since I've held you last. I watch you from afar as you toy with my emotions and play around with other men; with my own friends no less. But I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you."

Chet had stopped what he was doing to listen more closely to what Gage was saying. Captain Stanley, Stoker and Lopez paid him and Johnny no mind as they focused on their work.

"Um... guys?" They ignored him. Chet turned his attention back to the paramedic, who was speaking again.

"We can't keep doing this to each other. We have to decide what we want. If you love me, you'll-"

Just then, Roy came back into the bay, in his fresh uniform. As Johnny spoke, DeSoto walked up beside him and, without breaking stride, he yanked the mop out of his partner's hands and kept walking.

"Roy!" Johnny shouted, then lunged at his partner. He made a grab for the mop, but Roy held it out of reach. "Get your dirty paws off my mop!" Johnny shouted.

"Johnny," Roy said, surprisingly calmly, as he tried to keep the younger man at bay, "face it. It's over. It'll never work out. Let her go."

"But I love her!"

"I'm sorry, Junior." Roy somehow managed to shove the mop into the closet while still holding off his crazed partner.

"No!" Johnny stopped fighting, sank to his knees and placed his head in his hands. "No..." he whispered mournfully. Roy patted his shoulder sympathetically. Whether it was in sympathy for losing his cleaning utensil or losing his mind, Chet didn't know. Roy disappeared into the day room, leaving behind the bay and the berserk junior medic.

Captain Stanley and Mike had disappeared to the other side of the engine. Turning around to look behind him, Chet saw his buddy Marco leaning against the passenger side of the squad. His face was hidden from sight, turned toward the window and his shoulders were shaking.

Chet laid a hand on Marco's shoulder and squeezed in silent consolation. "I know, Marco," he said. "It's hard for me to watch, too."

Chet heard an odd sound from the other side of the engine. Frowning, he started to walk around the front of the LaFrance to investigate. Marco re-caught his attention by sniffling. Chet then saw Johnny dragging himself pathetically across the floor of the garage and then rest next to the old mop bucket.

"You're all I have left to remember her by," the man somehow managed to choke out despairingly. That odd sound came again, muffled this time. "We will never forget her," Gage continued. "Her memory will live on in our hearts. And handles." He caressed the handle of the bucket. "Every time we clean a floor, from this day forward, we will clean it in honor and loving memory of her: the only one who ever really understood me for who I was... I know you don't want a new partner, but you will adjust. We will adjust. Perhaps we will make a new friend. But we will never forget this day, for the rest of our lives. Never a moment will pass by that we do not miss her, our beloved Mop, but the sun will rise and the sun will set. Life will go on. Life without her will be... lonely." Johnny paused to swallow. Then, in a stronger, steadier tone he continued, "But we will survive. I promise you that we will survive."

Finishing his short, heartfelt speech, Gage stood up off the floor and began moving the old mop bucket. He rolled it out the back door to the parking lot to continue his mourning in solitude. The water still left over in the bucket sloshed sadly all the way.

Chet shook his head at the sad scene that had played out before him. 'Dude; the mop was thrown in the closet – not buried six feet into the ground! Oy...' "I'm just glad that this didn't happen to me," he said out loud to no one in particular. "Who knows what someone would do with a crazy Phantom?" And with that, he tossed down his drying rag and walked back into the station, silently wondering how long it would take to break in a new pigeon.

As soon as Chet had gone from earshot, Marco let out his barely suppressed laughter. Hank released his hand from Mike's loud mouth that had almost given them away. Not that he was any better; he had had to put his remaining hand over his own mouth when John started his speech.

Roy appeared from hiding around the corner of the station. Marco went up to him and gave him a high-five. "Wonderful performance, Roy!" he said. Mike wiped laughing tears from his eyes and Cap simply smirked. "Where's Johnny?" Cap asked.

"Keeping up the charade in the back lot. He figured that Chet would follow him, so right now he's singing a rendition of the mop's favorite song: 'Elmo's World'. And if he catches Chet watching, he's going to simultaneously perform the new traditional mop dance: a suddenly age-old tradition in his family."

The guys laughed. "Oh, but it doesn't end there," Roy continued. The others looked at him expectantly. "He got a framed picture of him and the mop; it's hiding in his locker. He's gonna prop it up on the nightstand tonight. Oh, and he's also gonna stow the lonely mop bucket beside his bed. And he got a large framed sketch of a mop and it's hanging on the wall in his apartment, just in case Kelly ever decides to drop by."

"Will this act ever end?" Mike asked.

"I don't know; probably, when he gets tired of it, like any other prank or kick," Roy answered. "You'd get pretty bored too if all anybody ever did to you was maim you physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Geeze, the guy's gotta have some fun."

The men all nodded in agreement before going back to work. Meanwhile, out back, Gage continued to keep a straight face as he sang and danced while Chet spied on him. He wondered how it was that he could do this while playing a prank on the Phantom, but continue to fail miserably at cards? He hoped he could figure it out before the next fanfic writer came along and threatened to do him in. After all, he needed some kind of achievement gained here! Right?

FIN