Episode III: Don't wanna be yo' Monkey Wrench
Z-Man: Hey, uh…Bart? You don't look so good. You haven't slept in days.
Bart: It's because of what happened to those 2 of my dearly departed girlfriends.
Z-Man: You know they're only half dead.
Bart: Still, it's all the same to me.
Z-Man: That's profiling.
Bart: Yes. Well, if you don't know, I'll tell you right now. One of them has been haunting me for a week. And I've already lost blood donating it to Mr. Burns because he has a rare blood sugar that only I can provide so far. I think it might be Gena.
Z-Man: Well, duh. She liked you more than all of your other ex-girlfriends put together. And not just the ones that are your exact age. That also goes for the girl that was older than you, the one who thought you were cute, and Sherry & Terry.
Bart: OH MY GOD!
Z-Man: That's right. They kinda like you too. Well, actually, they like you a lot. But, for now, it's OK, dude. I've got your back. But, sadly, the others are trying to capture that guy on FBI's Most Wanted.
Bart: Can't take it anymore! I keep seeing her every five minutes of my time! And she's appearing in every one of my pictures!
[Bart shows pictures. There is one of him on a water slide with her behind him. On another, he's in the forest and she's in a tree. In the last one he's at a Spaceburger King and she's behind the counter.]
Bart: I'm so glad I hired a guy to walk around and take my photos.
Z-Man: I don't see her. By the way, I thought vampires don't come out in pictures.
Bart: That's why you can't see her. I don't know how long it'll be before she locks me in her basement and holds me against my will.
Z-Man: You're right! Okay. Do the following to avoid vampire related injuries:
-Put garlic on your window(s).
-Bathe in holy water
-Go to church on Saturdays
-Spent your freetime in a slaughterhouse, rolling around in the blood and entrails…
Bart: That sounds more like how to get carried away to a mental institution, and besides, I don't like the idea of going to church on Saturdays.
Z-Man: The lead guitarist of LA Sharks and one of the authors does it all the time.
[Edgar appears.]
Edgar: He's right, you know. I also spent 4 hours in church every Friday and Saturday during Lent.
Bart: WHOA! Why do you?
Edgar: Because I'm Catholic. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
[Plays "When You're 12".]
Z-Man: Ugh…Bart? Not to give mixed messages, but the lead singer (And obviously the coolest guy.) is agnostic, if not outright atheist.
[Alex hops out of hammerspace.]
Alex: That's ri-
[His head explodes. Edgar puts his now smoking shotgun behind his back, and whistles.]
Edgar: Anyway, can I hang out with you guys for a while?
Z-Man: Uh, sure, but why?
Edgar: I need some time away from my girlfriend.
Z-Man: You have a girlfriend! I thought you where single!
Edgar: Not anymore. I have a beautiful girlfriend. But she's kinda crazy. Don't tell her I said that.
Z-Man: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. Now I must tell Bart to get another girlfriend so she can no longer stalk him. Also to make sure she won't kill whoever Bart's new girlfriend will be.
Edgar: He seems to be getting many girls these days. Not enough time to get abused by his father. Don't you think the fans miss that? Don't you think that's why the lead guitarist of Afkhanistan hates the Simpsons now?
Z-Man: Of course not! Ok, maybe it was. Oh, well.
Edgar: Maybe if he learned to settle down with a girl after he quit, he could finally have someone for more than 1 chapter.
Z-Man: I guess you're right. We should tell him that. Hey Bart…Bart?
[Bart isn't around.]
Z-Man: Look, there's a note!
I have kidnapped Bart and he's locked up in my basement, being held against his will. If you want him back, you will give me 5000 republican credits every day until further notice.
With Hatred,
Gena
Edgar: I've heard of this one. Our friend gets kidnapped. The attacker threatens to not give back the victim unless we give some money. Then when we pay the ransom money, it'll turn out that she's not gonna give him back anyway, take the ransom money, and pocket a double bounty (naturally). But she kills him either way.
Z-Man: OK. I have no idea what you just said.
Edgar: OK. Let's just search the city thinking of what to do.
Z-Man: But The Slave I is occupied right now. Jango, TR, and Dengar are hunting a bounty and Bart and I stayed back because it was too dangerous.
Edgar: That's why I have the Sharkmobile. Now, just to be on the safe side, tell the others about this abduction.
Z-Man: I did over the radio just now. They said they were gonna hunt that perso-
[The other bounty hunters come in crawling.]
Jango Fett: She was too strong. [Cough.] There was nothing we could do.
Z-Man: Get these guys to a medical station!
Edgar: This is the medical station.
Z-Man: Dennis! You were in this too!
Dennis: They were tougher than SpongeBob and Patrick themselves [Cough.]. Even Yoda couldn't do anything. He went home crying [Cough.] like a baby.
Z-Man: Dang, that WAS really fast…
TR: We went straight there when you called.
Z-Man: Can't Chuck Norris do anything?
Dennis: Sorry. We owe him a Dr. Pepper. I ain't letting him know.
Edgar: Were gonna need some other guys.
TR: Like all the guys from WWE?
Edgar: Exactly, but first let's take the Sharkmobile to the hospital. These guys need serious medical attention. Then we can hunt down Gena and find the Slave I.
Z-Man: Speaking of that, what IS the Sharkmobile?
Edgar: START THE SHARKMOBILE SONG, JEFF!
[Cheesy 80's music starts playing.]
Oh…
IT'S 1000 FEET LONG AND CAN FIT IN YOUR POCKET!
IT CAN'T BE SET ON FIRE, AND IT'S POWERED BY A ROCKET!
ZOMBIE SUPPRESSION IS STANDARD EQUIPMENT!
CAN EVEN HELP YOU WITH YOUR SCIENCE EXPEIRIMENT!
Z-Man: Catchy song.
Edgar:
IT RUNS ON BEER! THE TANK'S A PARTY KEG!
IT HAS ON-BOARD GPS! BUT NOT IF YOUR NAME IS GREEEEEEGGG!
AAAAAND…
IT CAN RUN OVER ANY TERRAIN!
GO THROUGH HAIL, MUD, AND RAIN!
PLAY ALL THE MOVIES, EVEN MCBAIN!
IT CAN EVEN TAKE DOWN MOTHER BRAIN!
IT CAN FIT 100 DAMES!
AND IT STILL HAS VIDEO GAMES!
SAMUS ARAN'S THE SECURITY GUARD!
IT ALSO HAS PIZZA, COKE, AND LARD!
IT CAN FLY INTO SPACE!
CAN GET INTO A RACE!
SURVIVES A POLICE CHASE!
RESISTANT TO MACE!
Z-Man: Yes, OK, we get it!
Alex Zombie: Edgar, please shut up.
Edgar: Que?
[1 day later.]
Z-Man: I can't believe it! They lost too!
Edgar: I never thought I'd say this, but we must go in ourselves!
Z-Man: Why would we do that?
Edgar: Just to see what it's like. Plus, you can't die.
Alex Zombie: Yeah, yeah. And neither can Maggie.
Edgar: Then let's get Maggie to do it first.
[2 hours Later.]
Edgar: We lost control with Maggie.
Alex [Who is still a zombie but I'm not repeating it anymore.]: Seriously, who knew a baby can level a building by CRAWLING THROUGH?
Z-Man: Alright! We're going! We're going!
[At the lair.]
Edgar: There's Gena! And there's Bart being held against his will! [Gasp.] And there's Maggie locked in a cage! That won't last too long…
Z-Man: We're goin' in…Are you listening to Rise Against?
Edgar: The first verse of Savior. It would be a good song choice if we were in a slow motion battle right now.
Alex: That can be arranged.
Z-Man: Now let's get in there!
[Phight.]
Edgar: Oh my science! I can't take much more of this!
Z-Man: I've got the baby! I'm goin' for Bart!
[Gena gets in the way.]
Gena: No one is taking away my Bartie boy!
Bart: How many times must I say I'm not your boy! You are mine! I mean you are my girl! I mean, you were. Whatever.
Z-Man: I CAN'T TAKE IT NO LONGER!
Edgar: SOMETHING IS MAKING HER POWERFUL!
[Gena beats them up.]
Z-Man: RETREAT!
[Back at the base.]
Edgar: Well that was a rip-off.
Z-Man: So what do we do now?
Alex: There's only one more person we know who's willing to fight her and is able to make it out alive.
[Person goes in.]
[Ewok jumps into the slow appearance.]
[Sarah comes out of the lights.]
Sarah: So what are you calling me here for?
Edgar: There's a girl who's very powerful, you see? And we're hoping you can help us take her out.
Sarah: And I'm doing this why?
Edgar: She's holding your ex-boyfriend against his will. And we refuse to pay a ransom.
Sarah: Fine. But I want him to show me how cool blink-182 is.
Edgar: He'll do that.
[2 Hours Later.]
Z-Man: C'mon! Go! Go! Go! Go! We have Bart! We're outta here!
Bart: Thank Sarah. At least she wasn't as crazy.
[Bart puts furniture against front door.]
Edgar: Don't bother. Vampires don't use doors. Where the Hoth's the Sharkmobile!
[TR comes out with Otto in the bus.]
Edgar: What happened to my car?
TR: Mr. Fett here told me to find a better and less embarrassing means of transportation device!
Jango Fett: Did not!
TR: Did too!
Jango Fett: We'll need to find the Slave I after this.
Z-Man: Just go!
[Vampires come out.]
Edgar: Oh, I hate vampires! They always bite on the first date!
[Family Guy-style cutaway.]
Edgar: Jenny, I KNOW I just met you, and I KNOW we are madly in love, but this Italian restaurant meal would be a lot more romantic and tasty if you would get off my neck.
Jenny: [with mouth full.] Moh?
[Back to da scene.]
Z-Man: I heard that one used to be your girlfriend!
Edgar: No one's supposed to know about that!
TR: Glad to see me now? It'll be just like old times!
[TR grabs sniper & shoots vampires.]
[One gets to the bus.]
[Z-Man gets a Thompson and fires.]
[Ewok and Steve come out.]
Steve: Hi, guys!
Z-Man: Steve! Fire! At those vampires! Now!
Steve: Ok. If you say so.
[Ewok and Steve shoot.]
Bart: Where's Sarah?
Edgar:…
[Sarah and Gena are fighting vampire to vampire.]
Bart: 2 vampire girls are fighting over me. This is really embarrassing. And kinda hot.
TR: No! This…is…SPARTA!
[TR jumps out and plays guitar.]
Edgar: Looks like fun.
[Edgar joins in.]
[2 girls keep fighting.]
Alex: STOP! BOTH OF YOU! ALL OF YOU! Ok, you two keep playing the guitar. But seriously! You two are trying to kill each other. And for what? Just one cute [Of course, not to me!.] guy? It's not worth it!
Bart: Yeah! I'm not some monkey wrench! I'm through with both of you!
[Bart and the other bounty hunters get in the bus. Oh, and Steve & Wicket.]
Dengar: Are you still gonna find a girl?
Bart: Someday, Dengar. Someday.
[Bus drives into sunset.]
Alex: HEEEYYY! WAIT FOR MEEEE!
…poodlesticks.
We play for 98 minutes, but we're not that good at counting. 98.7 FM!
Foo Fighters:
There goes my Hero! Watch him as he goes!
EPISODE iv NEVER HAPPENED