pairings: 2x1x2 and hints of 3+4
timeline: a time after endless waltz. maybe one and a half years. yeah, we'll go with that.
disclaimer: u kno I dun go on a claimin' I own dis sho.
notes: If you've ever seen cowboy bebop, recall the one episode with the gypsy girl who's trying to find her father. Remember the end where she's at the grave? Think that, cuz that's where Heero is at the end. Duo's dead. I don't tell you how because, well, that's not the important thing. I honestly don't know what my obsession is with killing off chara's and leaving their lovers to writhe and cry in pain and agony, but hey, it happens. The point is Duo's six feet under and our Perfect Soldier is crazy crazy crazy.
Rated R for craziness, death themes, OD mentions, suicide mentions, yaoi mentions, and Heero's foul mouth.
Stuff like this is a flashback
/stuff like this/ is something Duo either said in the past, or is saying in his mind now
stuff like this is song lyrics
here goes not much.
nothing else matters
I can remember you as crisp and fresh in my memory as the white blossoms I used to run through while jogging from base to base. It was a lovely thing to see, but I never had the chance to stop and breathe it all in. I should have, because now, all those flowers are withered and in the dirt.
Wufei was late. But at least he showed up, Duo. He could've been an arrogant bastard and given us the cold shoulder. But he showed. He kneeled if front of your grave with a red rose shuddering in the wind between his fingers as he murmured a prayer in his native tongue. I was trying to look for some signs that he was miserable. But he wasn't crumbling away like I was. He was on the ground for a while before he finally leaned forward and tossed the flower into your pit. I watched the blossom fall away until it was engulfed in blackness and I couldn't see it's red anymore. I knew it was among the rest. Then he stood and his eyes feel upon me. I don't know how I had gotten so close to him, it seemed as though the ice from the ground had frozen my feet in place. Maybe I wanted to say a few words to him, to show him I didn't really care, like, "Hey, have you forgotten I'm the Perfect Soldier already? Look, I'm not even crying." And I wasn't. But I felt sick to my stomach and every now and then my surroundings would go into double. I pushed it away. Nausea was a flaw. But I've gotten soft with the idle days of war's aftermath.
No! I am NOT a machine anymore. I'm NEVER going to let myself be an automatic destruction puppet anymore! I'm a human being!
…Duo helped me realize that.
I said nothing to him. Perhaps he saw the hurt bruising my impervious face because he took me into his arms. I was literally knocked off my feet and my chin hit his shoulder as he patted my back. He knew. Everyone knew. Duo had loved me and I would just use him for an occasional fuck. And here was Dragonman hugging me, telling me in his own silent way it's going to be alright and I shouldn't be sad, even though I couldn't even feel any of my sorrow. Just my stomach's wrenching and the cold biting underneath my black jacket. I felt so horrible.
I swallowed my vomit and finally embraced him back, swinging my arms up around him and squeezing his body hard. He rocked me gently for a few moments while strangers I didn't know paid their respects. There were various Preventors and orphans and church people, even a few soldiers you dealt with. I caught a glimpse of Hilde pushing her way threw the crowd and finally falling back into someone. She couldn't believe it herself. She loved you Duo, even though you only wanted a friend and a business cohort.
He finally let me go like that was all he had. He clutched my shoulders still, I could feel his hard fingernails digging into my back and I tried not to wince. I wouldn't have had to fight any other time in my life but for some reason today I was shaking and feeling sick and was cold like a little kid. I had to force myself not to fucking wince, something was wrong with me!
Wufei stared into my eyes for sometime and then left me alone by your grave. I watched him leave until the city in the distance swallowed him up. The crowd around you had dwindled down and finally it was my turn. I shuffled my feet around to face you. There I tried to think.
It seems very apparent in my mind that I quite possibly loved you. I have to admit, Duo, if I didn't love you I wouldn't have cared. I can see myself standing in front of your open grave, hands in my pockets, black tie flapping in the wind and occasionally brushing up against my chin. I'd toss in a rose and some earth and saunter off toward the city where I'd patiently await my next mission call. One less gundam pilot. Four more to go.
I recall falling to my knees in front of your grave. They didn't take the thorns off the rose I held, people are getting lazier these days. Or maybe it was the crimson irony digging into my palm and drooling down my fingers.
They buried you in the wintertime, Duo, that's when the ground was frozen and hard, the trees like black skeletons, and all the blue sky long, long gone, replaced with light gray. So it hurt a bit when I fell to my knees, like a piercing shock running up my spine for a moment. I don't know why I did. I must've lost it. I had begun to laugh as I slopped downward. People stared at me, they murmured and a few pointed. The pilots saw but they let me go, they knew better.
I didn't notice. My trembling fingers rose to my blurry eyes as hot tears began to roll down the side of my nose. I began gasping and weeping, letting my shoulders shake with each hysterical sob as my hands began to pluck out the grass that was going to adorn your grave. I squeezed the waxy blades into my fingers and the grass in one hand began to dash over in blood.
/What's so funny!?/
I didn't enjoy the laughter that began to bubble up from my throat again, interrupted by a sporadic cough and sob. I sounded possessed, like I was going insane with the fact you were right in front of me, only hidden from view by a dark mahogany lid. It was the kind of laugh I gave in to cover up orgasms. Or, at least you said I would cover up my weakness by starting to laugh.
"What's so funny!?" He slid backward.
I raised a hand to my forehead, wiping away a few unruly strands of russet hair that began to stick to my skin like it was glue. Sweat among other things soaked the sheets underneath us. "Nothing."
"What to you mean 'nothing'?"
I could see he was upset. I tried to clear the smile from my face as best I knew how. I bit my lip. I couldn't help the occasional sputter that escaped though.
"I've heard about screaming and moaning and even crying, but laughing? You've hurt my feelings, Hee-chan." He folded his arms.
"Gomen. Laughing is the way I express satisfaction."
"Yeah well, I don't feel comfortable knowing that you're giving me the same response as though you've just demolished a legion of mobile suits with a can of silly string."
I got a mental picture and began to giggle again. My eyes drifted down the side of my right arm, trailing by my side with palm open toward the ceiling. "Hey," I say halfheartedly, beginning to grow weary. "You should be happy I did anything at all."
"You loved it. Just admit it, Heero."
Yeah. I did love it. But now that I look back on it, Duo, I don't remember ever saying 'I love you' first. You'd say it casually, pouring yourself a Coke after untying me from a bedpost and I'd have to answer somehow. Sometimes I didn't though. And, you never said a word to me about that. You didn't get angry with me, wanting to berate me for my callousness, no not really. You'd just shrug me off and say every now and then that the mere fact I allowed you to touch me was good enough.
I wonder if you ever realized that I'd hurt you sometimes, physically. Sometimes I'd parade into your bunker in the young hours of the morning and grab you from whatever you were doing, which wasn't usually much. You were always awake listening to music or working on your laptop, which collected more dust then I could stomach. I'd barge right in, not caring a thing in the world, making sure I slammed the door behind me to show you I was in a mood not to be tampered with. I just heard you whimper; one mixed with delight and the soreness you could already imagine. So, from time to time, I'd get urges and I needed to settle them. And you said you'd always be there. I took my anger out on you in the worst possible ways. Whether I was irate, you'd let yourself be on the bottom for once. Or if I was feeling depressed, you were usually the one who danced around me and tried to cheer me up, whether I liked it or not.
I can't remember liking it. I can't remember the pain I felt as I dropped to my knees and began to sob. I knew you'd never be there to cheer me up again.
Before I did something drastic I could feel Trowa's fingers slip underneath my armpits and he lifted me from the frosted grass. Tossing me over his shoulder like a rag doll, I knew your funeral was over. He's a really strong guy, you know that Duo? That's why I asked you to punch me and not him, because he'd easily send me clear across the room. The whole 'getting even' thing was just to reassure you. I don't think you cared anyway. You just wanted to punch me.
I could still see the people as my hands clutched Trowa's calves, my bloody fingertips slipping from grasp underneath his trim black suit. The crowd faded away, and so did their words on my ears.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…"
No. Duo. You can't take him away from me!!!
"NO!! Trowa! TROWA put me down NOW! I order you!!" But the last parts of my sentence were drowned away in sobs. I hung my head in defeat and followed the ground with my burning eyes. I could see my own searing tears fall to the hoary earth. I felt absolutely torn. Wrecked. Pitiful.
No one stirred. No one looked back at me, though one woman in a habit burst into wails. Some of the orphan kids Duo loved to play with buried their faces into long black skirts. Some clutched each other. Some, the ones Duo told 'boys don't cry', tried their best to keep from suddenly blubbering. I could see their pale faces, blank, not knowing just what the hell they should do. I can remember distinctly once when I came by to the orphanage to pick Duo up and he pulled me aside, whispering their names into my ear, telling me someday he wanted to adopt a few. Maybe so they didn't end up like he did, or maybe just to give them a better life. It didn't matter. I merely said I couldn't stand children but for some reason they liked me. They ruined my plans.
I wonder where those kids will end up now.
Long after Trowa set me down on the sidewalk a few blocks away to grab a newspaper, I idly kicked my feet against the pavement, like you used to. My eyelashes were still moist and cold with the wind.
He took me to Quatre's house, where he stayed to pass the winter days, long as they were. I hated it when they showed each other's love. I hated it when they tried to cover it up. I probably confused them. After all, why should they hide their feelings just because I've lost Duo? It's not THEIR fault. It's something I and I alone had to learn to deal with. They don't know my empty hub. They still fucking have each other.
I knew they weren't surprised waking one morning to find my room empty and me long gone.
/What's the matter, Heero?/
Now that I think about it, I was being selfish. They tried to take me under their wing when I was feeling desolate and all I did was lash out in my own quiet ways, scornful glaring when I accidentally interrupted a kiss, or clearing my throat from their babbling when I needed something. I acted so immaturely.
I returned to my apartment after much wandering around and tossed my jacket to the floor. It was empty. More tears brimmed at my eyes when I became conscious that Duo wasn't going to jump out from the living room with another plotless action film in his hand.
"What's the matter, Heero? It doesn't look like you're enjoying the movie."
I said nothing.
"Aw c'mon, what's wrong?"
"This is so stupid." I held out my hand in disgust. "Look, he's not even bothering to block those shots."
"Heero," he chuckled, "it's just a movie. That's supposed to make the protagonist look strong and unstoppable." Duo laid his head down on my lap. "Sometimes you seem that way too."
For a moment there was silence as the movie rolled on with grunts and thwaps! of fight scenes, until I broke it by grumbling, "I could easily kill all of them."
I'd give anything to open the front door, always reminding myself to fix the bronze '207' that was sliding off, and be greeted by the hum of the microwave, Duo sticking his head around the corner grinning and brandishing a spatula. "Hungry, Hee-chan?" He'd say, while trying not to fall over backward.
"Not really."
"You never are, but you eat anyway."
I shrugged. "It doesn't matter."
That reminds me of a song you loved. Every now and then I'd get curious as to why the walls were shaking in my apartment. One day I wandered down to where you stayed and placed my hand on the knob. It was warm and vibrating. I swung the door open and nearly staggered back when I was greeting with earsplitting guitar scratching, drumrolls, and booming voices yelling and screaming lyrics. The bass shook the floor beneath my feet. I opened my eyes to find you sprawled out on your bed. I wondered why you'd have your music blaring so loud and I thought you wanted my eardrums to explode. You were practically naked expect for a pair of low riding black boxers you'd like to abandon to the floor when you caught me stepping out of a steamy shower. There I stood, sometimes trying to read the syllables that formed on your lips as the song rolled on.
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters…
Your eyes were squeezed shut, arms folded behind your head, and legs spread apart somewhat. You looked comfortable, to say the least.
And even though I knew it would distract me from my work, I never stopped you. Hell, at some points I wanted to stroll in and put a hot bullet hole right through that stereo. But I didn't. And I don't know how I managed to control myself into not being red in the face, but it didn't matter anyway, I was already down the hall. I can still hear it in my head.
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters…
Now I'd step inside your room, Duo, just to find the bed sheets still crumpled up and your clothes strewn across the floor. I found some of your cd's and something compelled me to put one on. I cried myself to sleep the first few times that song played because I had never paid attention to the lyrics before. God, Duo, did you ever comprehend what they were saying? It's uncanny.
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know…
I threw all the other cd's out the window expect for that one and a few others I personally wanted to keep. I had never listened to these 20th century metal bands before because I never had an honest interest. Music, no matter what kind, seemed distracting to me. But now I couldn't help but to not care anymore. The screaming and the bass seemed to lull me into a heavy sleep, whether or not I had tears in my eyes.
I continued to meander around my apartment feeling sorry for myself until I collapsed on the couch from a Paxil OD. I remember holding the little orange bottle in my hand so hard I felt the plastic begin to crack, all the while thinking what a ridiculous idea of anti-depressants were. I found them in the medicine cabinet outside your room. I guess I really was too hard on you sometimes, Duo. Too late now.
I didn't wake until the next night in my own drool, still to find you not there. I choked this time inside of crying, disappointed that the OD hadn't killed me. Somehow I managed to roam into your bedroom and that's where I spent the next few days.
But that was two months ago.
Remorse and not knowing how to deal with the pain has driven me like a knifepoint in the back to your grave. It's the only place I could go. I know this black rose I'm laying on you doesn't do you much honor, Duo. And like all things, it will die. But it was your favorite flower.
I liked thinking that. I think I'm blushing too.
I miss you.
But that was two months ago. And now they think I'm going crazy.
I might as well be. A few days ago I was trying to make myself dinner for the first time in what seemed like ages without you. My knees suddenly buckled out from underneath me and I curled myself into a protective ball on the kitchen floor. I mumbled to myself and that seemed to make the time go by faster. Soon it was dark and I picked myself up to take another walk. You may not think that's too crazy, but I don't find it comforting staring into a bowl of ramen noodles not wanting to hurt them with my chopsticks. I sleep all day too. Sometimes I can't even find the strength to get out of bed anymore.
I've unplugged almost every appliance in the apartment, but especially all those that tell me the time. Time doesn't matter to me anymore. Remember when you were a kid, Duo, and everyday seemed to go by sooo slowly? And during the war everyday was a blink, marked by the sun's rise and fall and that's it. Nowadays they're beginning to drag again. You were the best friend I never had when I was little, Duo. They never let me have any friends, but I don't remember whether or not I exactly wanted one. I befriended a stray dog once but they quickly took him away. They never told me what they did with him, but I think they killed it. They said love and friendship was a weakness. Well fuck them. Where are they now? Dead or somewhere crippled over and dying. Writhe in pain you sons of bitches because the war has set me free and your nowhere in sight to stop me. Love love love love love. See? You can't hold me down anymore. My dog might be dead but I'm not.
Eeeh, I have to stop shivering.
I'm okay.
So it's not like I'm going Quatre postal. I don't want to hurt anyone. They don't need to feel my anger. That's not right, they don't deserve to shed their blood because of my pain. I just want to focus on the gaping hole in my chest that my invisible gun has made.
My gun.
I lifted up the back of my shirt and grasped the metal. I drew it from my shorts and smiled as I fingered the trigger delicately. I pointed it at various things without moving my elbow, getting back the litheness in my wrist. Time from Duo's death had stiffened my mind and body.
I still had my legs tucked underneath me, one hand for balance on the cold dirt. Finally I pointed the gun to my temple. So many reasons to die. Just a few to live. What would they say if they found out the Perfect Soldier had committed suicide? Would they have thought that of me? I've always been sneered at and called 'suicidal' from whoever had the gall. Hell, if it wasn't 'homicidal' it was the other. Simple as that. I was just a Romeo who'd lost his Juliet. And now I drive the happy dagger in me so I can be with her. Sorry Duo, you have to be the girl.
Maybe they'd bury me next to you.
My hand was shaking so badly I knew my finger might very well brush against the trigger unintentionally.
What a mess I would make on your tombstone Duo, who'd be kind enough to catch my body as it smacks against the cement. My gun would slip from my red fingers and fall to the dirt, maybe crushing your rose underneath the metal.
/Heero, where are you going?/
I wish with all my heart I'll snap. It's what I want; I'm pushing myself into this, you know. Maybe somehow I could end up with you. I wonder if you're missing me. I know you watch me. I can feel you tugging my hair every now and then like I used to when I wanted to stop you from going somewhere. Doors slam. Things clatter. Or maybe it's just me very tactfully snapping.
But there's no madness in my heart at this moment…
Just throbbing. Just apathy.
"Heero? Where are you going?"
"Away."
"Away? What do you mean?"
"I need to get out of this place and travel some." My fingers tightened on my suitcase's handle with the words. "I want to see all the things I never got the chance to appreciate. I want to see Tokyo."
"Tokyo? Tokyo's a mess."
He was trying to change my mind. "All Earth's cities are. I don't care."
Quatre's bright eyes fell to the ground. His eyes reminded me of how clear the ocean used to be, before companies began abandoning their weapons and parts into the sea when the war ended. Quatre was a lot of beautiful things that time after the wars couldn't darken. "Will we ever see you again?"
I could sense the pain in his heart, because I felt it too. "I don't know. But…I'm going to see Duo first."
He looked up through disheveled hair and smiled. "Goodbye."
"I still want to see Tokyo!"
I collected my legs from underneath of me. My skin was still tight and numb from the cold and I stumbled forward, bracing my upper body on Duo's tombstone. I still managed to fling the magnum across the cemetery. It landed in a mass of dead thorns a good distance away, tangled for a moment, then sprang up and hit the hard ground with an afar clack! It didn't go off though. The handgun kept the shell inside as if showing me it wasn't too late to change my mind.
"No." My voice said honestly in a long time. My throat was stained and sore with all the tears I had cried and now my voice was hoarse and rasping. But it was still smooth, like it always had been during the war.
I wish I could cry again. I love crying. It feels so good. It feels like I'm getting rid of everything in my system via my eyes. But I can't cry anymore and I'm too proud to force any. I can't force any, it just wouldn't be right. But it's not fair goddammit! Duo, did you know you were the only one ever who could warm over my cold eyes?
"No." I say again, talking to my gun yards away. "It's too late now and it wouldn't even matter!"
Everything began to go in double again. I used too much bottled up energy, I guess. I knew if I were going to get called on a mission soon, I'd surely die. I was too weak, too physically and mentally weak.
I sloped to the ground and accidentally crushed the ebony rose with my foot. Oh well.
The cemetery was on the brim of a large city. It was a beautiful day. The air was growing warmer as the days neared closer to February. The sky was a blue gray shade and scattered with a few wisps of clouds. Every now and again my eyes would follow something gray or white that would sparkle against the sun's reflection in the sky and I watched it fly away, wondering where it was going. There were trees around the cemetery, some beginning to sprout buds. I observed people walking around on the streets, laughing, pointing to the heavens and sky-scraping buildings, dodging each other, disappearing into stores.
There was a playground outside the city, right in front of the cemetery. I thought that was pretty morbid for a kid to look at while jumping headfirst down a slide, but the contractors didn't really care where they put things anymore. As long as they built cities that could hold the growing population. It was empty now, too cold for any kid to want to come outside and play. They'll all be inside, warm and watching television. But they'd run outside in the springtime, jackets trailing from their hands, happy and screaming.
"Hey Duo," So I speak aloud. "Now you can watch all those kids grow up after all."
I leaned my head back against his tombstone and eyed the suitcase I had dropped from my hand in front of Duo's grave as I read: Duo Maxwell. 180 – 198 A.C. And my heart burst open. That's all they could carve anymore. But I was appreciative. Some of the headstones in the cemetery didn't even have epitaphs, let alone a name. Now that my thoughts returned to the black suitcase lying on the ground as if to say, "aren't you forgetting something?" And I had. I really did want to see Tokyo. There's no real reason. Just wanderlust. Maybe I could live there for a few years. I could just disappear, and they'd find a new Perfect Soldier. Trust me, they could.
I breathe in, reach forward and grab my suitcase's handle. I turned and I gave you one last look before I left this place.
"As long as I remember you, Duo, then it'll all be okay. Don't leave me, and we can live on together in Tokyo. We'll live and die. Someday you'll call me to be with you. Shinigami will come to get me, dressed in black and grinning. I hope it's soon."
It was a lovely thing to see, but I never had the chance to stop and breathe it all in.
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
that's all she wrote
by Cayt
started 2.23.02