Disclaimer: Nick and Natalie don't belong to me. They belong to James Parriott, Barney Cohen, Sony/TriStar. I'm just borrowing them for a while...and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them (well, mainly Natalie) through the emotional wringer. This story was inspired by the FK episode "Francesca," and the quote from it isn't mine either. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended. The title comes from a Heather Nova song, which also does not belong to me.
Thanks to my beta-readers, Heather-Anne, Anita and Evil Cousin Tiff!
Permission is given to archive this at fkfanfic and the FTP site, as well as the Dark Nat Pack site, Dark NN, and NNPack sites... Anyone else, please ask.
*****
Nick: You have to understand that every drop of blood has your whole life in it. It's not just our food; it's the way we feel life. Imagine if you could know someone's soul, just by sharing their blood. Everything you know, everything you are, transformed into touch and taste. Imagine the temptation to take just one sip. One sip, and then another, and another. To take them inside you and know every secret. To let them know yours. To _be_ them... That's why it's such a hard habit to break.
From "Francesca"
*****
Blood of Me
by Deanie
January 2000
My goal in life - the important one that really matters - is making Nick human again. For six years, it's been my driving purpose. I want Nick to be cured, to cross back over. I want him to have the normal mortal life he craves. I want him to be able to walk in the sunlight and eat real food. He's been dreaming of it for hundreds of years. I would give anything, all that I am to make his dream come true. Partly because I love him so much and would do anything to make him happy, but the other part... I'm driven to make him human again because I've never known anyone to want something so badly.
So, if my goal is to reverse his vampire state, why was I so fascinated when he talked about drinking blood? When he talked about what it felt like to taste _human_ blood? Why couldn't I stop myself from imagining what it felt like to drink the essence of another human being?
The way he described it was so erotic - beyond every fantasy I had ever had. Not just a physical closeness, but an emotional closeness. To truly be one with another person -- it was the ultimate level of intimacy. It made human forms of communication obsolete. One tiny drop of blood held all that you think, feel, know.
Which naturally led me to wonder what it would be like to be a vampire...to drink someone's blood. I had thought about it before, idly, in passing. Okay, maybe not so idly and more than in passing. I couldn't stop myself sometimes. Nick had been a vampire for so long that to truly understand him, I had to understand the beast. I had tried to comprehend what the constant bloodlust must be like, but I couldn't. I don't think any human could. I wondered sometimes that with all of the problems between Nick and I, if bringing me across was the only way for us to be together. But I had never really thought about what that meant for me. What it would be like to drink human blood.
What would it be like? To sense the hunger rising deep inside me, a beast barely under control. Feel the bloodlust calling, tempting me to drink. Savor the desire for that unique connection, knowing that bliss will follow as the craving is quenched. The frantic wildness, feeling the fear from the prey, the sensation of my teeth sharpening, aching for the satisfaction only blood can bring.
The anticipation would build to a fever pitch, teetering on a razor's edge, ready to plummet into ecstasy with the first sip. Feeling the resistance of the skin, increasing the pressure until the life-giving fluid freely flows. What would it taste like? The blood, thick and salty, its flavor dancing on my tongue.
Then the memories...to know someone's soul...a level of closeness unattainable by normal human contact. To know what they felt...to taste the emotion the moment your fangs penetrate their skin. What does the fear taste like? Does it sweeten the blood, or make it taste sharp and metallic? What about love? Would it be cool and sweet, like ice cream on a hot summer's day? Or rich and thick, like heavy cream? Then to go beyond that initial taste, to dig deeper into their emotions...to know every facet of their mind...
You would become them, in a way. Understand the innermost parts of their beings. To feel the rapture of love, the agony of grief...the venom of hatred, the delectation of desire. To know all the secrets they would never admit to in the light of day - the guilt, the pain, the regret - hiding in the dark recesses of the mind. To know their longings and their dreams...their emotions wash over you, filling your mind with the ultimate of vicarious thrills. They cease to exist as an independent entity because you know all they have ever been.
In all of this, they feel your emotions, know your thoughts, and become you as well.
And you know that you have it within your power to end it all. You have the strength to bring their lives to a quick end... that kind of power would have to be almost as big of a high as the emotion itself.
No wonder it was so hard for Nick to resist the temptation and stop drinking blood. It's not just food, it's a sensual, passionate experience. Even bottled human blood would contain the thoughts and feelings of the 'donors' from which it was taken.
After that, how could Nick drink cow? The structure was similar - blood was blood, after all - but it would be emotionless. Do cows think? What could they possibly think about? How could anyone go from knowing a person's soul to _cow_ thoughts... What have I, in all of my experimentation, subjected Nick to?
But maybe that's why most vampires don't have feelings like humans do. They live vicariously through the blood they drink and can't be bothered with real-life emotions. They can feel all they need to in one drop. Giving up human blood forces Nick to feel on his own, experience his own emotions, bringing him one step closer to humanity. Fighting the temptation all the way...fighting the blood.
I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but I can't help myself. What about Nick? What if we were together that way, if he tasted me and I him? What would he taste like? Harsh and acrid with regret? Pungent with strength of will? Warm and sweet with the flavor of his love?
What about his feelings? To feel his overpowering guilt as if it were my own, to feel the weight of 800 years of pain and grief anchoring him to the life he despised? To feel the self-loathing, hating what he had been -- trapped in the past and scared to trust the future.
What would his memories taste like? To feel the moment he became a vampire - the pain of dying, the agony of the first hunger. To taste the joy in the first kill, the first time he tasted the sweet memories of another. Every night after that, every death -- the thrill of the hunt.
I shouldn't be thinking this way, wondering these things, having these feelings. Nick has hated being a vampire for hundreds of years and has desperately been searching for a way to regain his mortality. He curses the bloodlust, berates himself for the pain he inflicted and the deaths he caused. He hates not being able to see the sunrise, never being able to have a family. Maybe he doesn't despise all his vampire powers, but he wants to be human again so badly he'd give them up.
How can I be so fascinated by everything he abhors? It's wrong...yet, undeniable...inescapable. I can't stop myself from imagining the sensations.
Knowing more about Nick, about the sensations of drinking human blood... it should bring me closer to understanding him. But instead, I feel farther away. Because the only question that comes to mind isn't one that he, with his never-ending quest for humanity, would understand. How could he have that kind of intimacy and give it up?
*****
//You're the blood of me, you're the truth that hurts
You're the memory, you're the drug that works//
Heather Nova - Blood of Me
While I've had stories that have ended up dark all on their own, this is the first time I've attempted to deliberately write a dark story. So, what do you think? Feedback to DeanieBTVS@aol.com.
Thanks to my beta-readers, Heather-Anne, Anita and Evil Cousin Tiff!
Permission is given to archive this at fkfanfic and the FTP site, as well as the Dark Nat Pack site, Dark NN, and NNPack sites... Anyone else, please ask.
*****
Nick: You have to understand that every drop of blood has your whole life in it. It's not just our food; it's the way we feel life. Imagine if you could know someone's soul, just by sharing their blood. Everything you know, everything you are, transformed into touch and taste. Imagine the temptation to take just one sip. One sip, and then another, and another. To take them inside you and know every secret. To let them know yours. To _be_ them... That's why it's such a hard habit to break.
From "Francesca"
*****
Blood of Me
by Deanie
January 2000
My goal in life - the important one that really matters - is making Nick human again. For six years, it's been my driving purpose. I want Nick to be cured, to cross back over. I want him to have the normal mortal life he craves. I want him to be able to walk in the sunlight and eat real food. He's been dreaming of it for hundreds of years. I would give anything, all that I am to make his dream come true. Partly because I love him so much and would do anything to make him happy, but the other part... I'm driven to make him human again because I've never known anyone to want something so badly.
So, if my goal is to reverse his vampire state, why was I so fascinated when he talked about drinking blood? When he talked about what it felt like to taste _human_ blood? Why couldn't I stop myself from imagining what it felt like to drink the essence of another human being?
The way he described it was so erotic - beyond every fantasy I had ever had. Not just a physical closeness, but an emotional closeness. To truly be one with another person -- it was the ultimate level of intimacy. It made human forms of communication obsolete. One tiny drop of blood held all that you think, feel, know.
Which naturally led me to wonder what it would be like to be a vampire...to drink someone's blood. I had thought about it before, idly, in passing. Okay, maybe not so idly and more than in passing. I couldn't stop myself sometimes. Nick had been a vampire for so long that to truly understand him, I had to understand the beast. I had tried to comprehend what the constant bloodlust must be like, but I couldn't. I don't think any human could. I wondered sometimes that with all of the problems between Nick and I, if bringing me across was the only way for us to be together. But I had never really thought about what that meant for me. What it would be like to drink human blood.
What would it be like? To sense the hunger rising deep inside me, a beast barely under control. Feel the bloodlust calling, tempting me to drink. Savor the desire for that unique connection, knowing that bliss will follow as the craving is quenched. The frantic wildness, feeling the fear from the prey, the sensation of my teeth sharpening, aching for the satisfaction only blood can bring.
The anticipation would build to a fever pitch, teetering on a razor's edge, ready to plummet into ecstasy with the first sip. Feeling the resistance of the skin, increasing the pressure until the life-giving fluid freely flows. What would it taste like? The blood, thick and salty, its flavor dancing on my tongue.
Then the memories...to know someone's soul...a level of closeness unattainable by normal human contact. To know what they felt...to taste the emotion the moment your fangs penetrate their skin. What does the fear taste like? Does it sweeten the blood, or make it taste sharp and metallic? What about love? Would it be cool and sweet, like ice cream on a hot summer's day? Or rich and thick, like heavy cream? Then to go beyond that initial taste, to dig deeper into their emotions...to know every facet of their mind...
You would become them, in a way. Understand the innermost parts of their beings. To feel the rapture of love, the agony of grief...the venom of hatred, the delectation of desire. To know all the secrets they would never admit to in the light of day - the guilt, the pain, the regret - hiding in the dark recesses of the mind. To know their longings and their dreams...their emotions wash over you, filling your mind with the ultimate of vicarious thrills. They cease to exist as an independent entity because you know all they have ever been.
In all of this, they feel your emotions, know your thoughts, and become you as well.
And you know that you have it within your power to end it all. You have the strength to bring their lives to a quick end... that kind of power would have to be almost as big of a high as the emotion itself.
No wonder it was so hard for Nick to resist the temptation and stop drinking blood. It's not just food, it's a sensual, passionate experience. Even bottled human blood would contain the thoughts and feelings of the 'donors' from which it was taken.
After that, how could Nick drink cow? The structure was similar - blood was blood, after all - but it would be emotionless. Do cows think? What could they possibly think about? How could anyone go from knowing a person's soul to _cow_ thoughts... What have I, in all of my experimentation, subjected Nick to?
But maybe that's why most vampires don't have feelings like humans do. They live vicariously through the blood they drink and can't be bothered with real-life emotions. They can feel all they need to in one drop. Giving up human blood forces Nick to feel on his own, experience his own emotions, bringing him one step closer to humanity. Fighting the temptation all the way...fighting the blood.
I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but I can't help myself. What about Nick? What if we were together that way, if he tasted me and I him? What would he taste like? Harsh and acrid with regret? Pungent with strength of will? Warm and sweet with the flavor of his love?
What about his feelings? To feel his overpowering guilt as if it were my own, to feel the weight of 800 years of pain and grief anchoring him to the life he despised? To feel the self-loathing, hating what he had been -- trapped in the past and scared to trust the future.
What would his memories taste like? To feel the moment he became a vampire - the pain of dying, the agony of the first hunger. To taste the joy in the first kill, the first time he tasted the sweet memories of another. Every night after that, every death -- the thrill of the hunt.
I shouldn't be thinking this way, wondering these things, having these feelings. Nick has hated being a vampire for hundreds of years and has desperately been searching for a way to regain his mortality. He curses the bloodlust, berates himself for the pain he inflicted and the deaths he caused. He hates not being able to see the sunrise, never being able to have a family. Maybe he doesn't despise all his vampire powers, but he wants to be human again so badly he'd give them up.
How can I be so fascinated by everything he abhors? It's wrong...yet, undeniable...inescapable. I can't stop myself from imagining the sensations.
Knowing more about Nick, about the sensations of drinking human blood... it should bring me closer to understanding him. But instead, I feel farther away. Because the only question that comes to mind isn't one that he, with his never-ending quest for humanity, would understand. How could he have that kind of intimacy and give it up?
*****
//You're the blood of me, you're the truth that hurts
You're the memory, you're the drug that works//
Heather Nova - Blood of Me
While I've had stories that have ended up dark all on their own, this is the first time I've attempted to deliberately write a dark story. So, what do you think? Feedback to DeanieBTVS@aol.com.