Bryan was snoring loudly on his bed, his covers on the floor as usual. He had one hand on his face and one hand in his boxers, and he was muttering in his sleep.
"Unnnh... no, that blood was already there officer..." he mumbled in between snores. Suddenly his alarm clock started ringing loudly.
"AHH!" he screamed, jumping out of bed. He started to bring his fist down on the clock, but he stopped himself at the last minute and just turned it off.
"Whew... good boy, Bryan." he said, beaming. He made his way to the living room and instinctively grabbed a beer when he passed through the kitchen. But before he could crack it open, he was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Ugh, who the hell is it!" he yelled as he slowly trudged to the door and opened it. There stood Julia Chang in her native outfit.
"Hi, I'm Julia with the Save the Trees and Stuff Foundation. If I could have a minute of your time to tell you how one tiny donation could-"
"I don't give a f*** about the trees. Actually, I don't give a f*** about any plants except the ones you get high with." Bryan said bluntly.
"But-"
Bryan slammed the door and cracked open his beer. As he slurped the top of it, he plopped onto the couch and turned on the tv. Immediately he was greeted by several big breasted chicks piled up in a kiddie pool.
"Oh shit, I forgot I left it on the Nonstop Titties Channel..." Bryan said as he scrolled through the channels.
"Oooh, World's Dumbest! The only show that makes me feel better about myself!"
Suddenly, Bryan's arm went dead.
"Hey, what the..." Bryan tried to lift it, but his arm was completely useless.
"Ah shit, I think it's time for a check up. Now let's see... should I go to Doctor Abel? I mean, Doctor Boskonovitch is the one that put this perpetual generator inside me, but I kicked his ass. Actually I think he's dead, but his fate has been left ambiguous for some f***ing reason. Seriously though, no way an old ass man could take a punch from an insane psycho cyborg and live. Ah well, I guess I'll go to Abel's then."
Bryan slipped on his clothes to the best of his ability (tying his boots was a bitch), then walked out of the house and got in his car.
"Now how am I gonna do this with one arm..." he pondered. He fired up the ignition and put it in reverse. He eased on the gas as he backed up and turned out of his driveway.
"Now to put it in drive..." Bryan muttered as he changed gears. He made his way on the open road and made it into town.
"Hey, this is pretty easy after all! Let's put it in third!"
Bryan shifted to third gear, but he regretted it immediately after when he suddenly lost control of his leg.
"What the- OH SHIIIIIIT!"
His leg suddenly slammed on the gas and Bryan's car shot forward like a rocket. Bryan struggled to dodge traffic with one arm and eventually lost control as he drove through a convenience store. The car didn't stop, however, and it burst through the other side. It then shot through town and proceeded to take down a parking ticket booth, a phone booth, and an old lady trying to cross the street.
"SHIT! SORRY! Not" Bryan muttered, trying to stifle his chuckle. Suddenly his good arm started spasming and his car began to swerve erratically.
"DAMN IT! EVERYBODY MOVE YOUR ASSES IF YOU DON'T WANNA DIE!" Bryan screamed as he swerved into the parking lot of a supermarket. Everyone screamed and ran away, but some weren't fast enough and impacted on the windshield. Bryan turned on the windshield wiper and removed them.
After a 30 minute drive, Bryan's car finally ran out of gas and skidded to a halt. Bryan leaped from the vehicle and kissed the ground.
"Thank Jesus! I was really getting sweaty in there. Now how the hell am I gonna get to Dr. Abel now?! I'm stuck in the middle of f***ing nowhe- oh wait, I'm here."
Sure enough, Bryan was right in front of Dr. Abel's laboratory entrance. He walked inside, not bothering to knock, and made his way to the basement where Abel usually resided. But before he opened the door, he stopped.
"Hey wait a minute! Didn't I kill Abel too?! If I recall correctly, I stumbled to his lab and he was all like "wtf you're still alive?" and then I punched him with all of my strength! God damn it ambiguity! Oh well, maybe he recovered and just hid from me for a year or so."
Bryan kicked the door open and sure enough, there was Dr. Abel. He was on the Internet watching cyborg on cyborg action. Bryan crept up behind him and slapped his shoulder, causing him to jump at least a foot out of his seat.
"B-b-b-bryan! You're still alive?!" Abel stammered, sweat pouring down his face.
"Uhh yeah. I'm like invincible, remember? Anyway, I think I need you to look at my body because it's been doing some weird shit."
"Let me guess, Boskonovitch gave you a perpetual generator?"
"Yep."
"I see, I see... fear not, I know just what to do."
Abel walked over to his desk and grabbed a wrench. He then approached Bryan with it.
"So uh, should I lay down, or do you need to do surgery on me because if you are I want some of that sweet ass morphine..."
Abel drew his hand back and swung the wrench, smacking Bryan square in the chest and causing him to yelp.
"OWW! WHAT THE F*** YOU BALD BASTARD I'LL SNAP YOUR F***ING-"
Suddenly all of his limbs started functioning normally. Bryan moved his arm back and forth and did a few Muay Thai kicks.
"You're f***ing kidding me. All I had to do was knock it back in place?!" Bryan yelled. "So I just tore half the town apart to get to you and all I had to do was f***ing whack my chest?!"
"You tore up half the town?" Abel asked. "Oh, that explains the sirens I'm hearing."
"Sirens? Oh shit" Bryan groaned as he walked outside. Sure enough, the police had arrived. Lei Wulong was also there and he was towing Bryan's car.
"HEY! WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING TO MY CAR!" Bryan growled. Lei immediately pulled out his pistol and aimed it at Bryan.
"Fury! There you are!" he yelled.
"Give me back my car!"
"This car is stolen, you know."
"Yes I know, I killed the owner!"
"Aha! A confession! You're under arrest for grand theft auto and murder! Oh and uh, causing a public disturbance, vandalism, reckless driving, and all around being a total ass-"
"GET THE F*** OUT!" Bryan screamed as he charged towards the police cars and flipped them like coffee tables. All of the policemen ran away except Lei. He picked one car up and swung it at Lei like a baseball bat, but Lei managed to leap out of harm's way.
"I brought something bigger this time!" Lei yelled as he pulled out a bazooka and blasted Bryan at point blank range.
"Ha! Nice knowing you partne- WHAAAA?"
But the smoke cleared and Bryan was just fine.
"Dude, I was blasted by a TANK before. Plus I've had a helicopter land on me and I walked away without a scratch. What the f*** did you think a bazooka could do?"
"Huh, well you've got a point there. Um could you stand there while I go find, like a nuclear weapon or something?"
"As soon as you turn around I'm hauling ass."
"Ugh, fine! You win again, Bryan Fury! But you haven't seen the last of Lei Wulong! Um, could you maybe... flip my car back over?"
Bryan nodded and flipped Lei's car back on it's wheels.
"Thanks bro." Lei said as he hopped in the car and drove off.
"I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAAAAAAAY!"
"Welp, glad that's over. Let's go home." Bryan said to himself. But before he got in the car, Abel ran out of the lab.
"WAAAAAIT! What about my payment?!"
"Oh yeah! Uhhh... I won't break your neck for a whole year!" Bryan yelled and then drove off.
Bryan finally made it back home and flopped onto his couch; after stripping down to his boxers and grabbing a beer, of course. He scrolled through the channels until he found something he liked.
"Oooh, King of Naked Oil Wrestling Tournament! Wait- AUUUGGGH!"
Bryan nearly vomited when the first match was Craig Marduk vs Ganryu.
"F***, maybe I should just go watch youtube vids of people farting during a business meeting..."
He was interrupted by a knock at the door.
'Yeah yeah, hold your horses!" Bryan yelled as he trudged to the door. There stood Xiaoyu, holding up an assortment of bright pink jewelry.
"Hi! I'm raising money to fund my new theme park! Would you be interested in-"
"Shut the f*** up." Bryan said, closing the door.
THE END