Disclaimer: Vachon, Tracy, and the FK crew don't belong to me. They belong to James Parriott, Barney Cohen, Sony/TriStar. I'm just borrowing them for a while...and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them (well, mainly Vachon) through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended. Song lyrics are from "Everywhere I Turn" by Bryan White, which isn't mine either.
Thanks to Anita and Evil Cousin Tiff for their input.
Permission is given to archive this at fkfanfic and the FTP site ... Anyone else, please ask.
Everywhere I Turn
by Deanie
January 2000
**A smile out of nowhere stops me in my tracks
I can't believe that after all this time you still have that kind of impact
Everywhere I turn I see your face, proving that a fool's love never fades
In my mind your mind is forever burned
I keep trying not to stare, but you're always there, everywhere I turn**
Here I am, in Toronto again. I can't believe it's been fifty years. In a way, it seems like I haven't been here for a thousand, but at the same time it seems like it was yesterday. I never thought my memories would be this strong -- they hadn't been that way before -- but the memories that kept drawing me to back this place. All of my life, there was never anywhere I couldn't forget, any place that tied me... never any person I couldn't just walk away from when the time came to move on.
Until Tracy...beautiful, golden-haired Tracy. I thought she was just a distraction, someone to spend time with, maybe flirt with. Yeah, I was attracted, but I had been interested in plenty of women -- that was nothing new. Tracy, she was different from anyone I'd ever met before. And somehow, she changed my life.
I used to tell myself that I stopped running and stayed in Toronto because I wanted to, because I thought it was time to stay in one place a little longer than usual. I made my own decisions; with the Inca gone, no one else could influence me. But after a while I didn't believe myself, and had to come up with another explanation. So I tried to tell myself it was because of Knight, because of how he threatened me if I didn't protect Tracy. I didn't want to get on the bad side of someone older and stronger...especially someone who learned intimidation at the right hand of LaCroix. But eventually, the time came when I couldn't deceive myself anymore. I had stayed in Toronto for one reason only - because of my feelings for Tracy.
I had never felt anything like what I experienced when I first looked into her eyes. A spark, running through me, all the way down to my soul. She was exquisite. The way her smile just lit up the room and her hair glistened in the soft glow of the moonlight. My memories of the sunshine paled in comparison to the light of her golden beauty.
I had known women who were more attractive. But Tracy's beauty came from within, from her joy for life that just shone through in everything she did. She had this energy, a vitality I couldn't understand. There was something about the way she lived her life, as if she cherished every minute, made every moment count.
She was so brave - probably foolishly so. She wasn't afraid of danger, wasn't afraid even when she should be. She wasn't afraid to be a part of my world of darkness. Her only insecurity was her need to prove herself, to show that she was her own person not riding on her father's coattails... and in the end, that was her downfall.
She was only 26. That's too young to die, too young for someone so full of life and love to have her light snuffed out... too young for her body to be lying there, cold and lifeless and decaying in the frigid ground. We were supposed to have more time to make these decisions about our relationship. Supposed to have more time to sort out our feelings, to analyze our connection, to figure out what we wanted from each other...
But we didn't. And now she's gone.
We didn't even have the last few days of her life together. Divia robbed us of that. I was delirious, crazed by whatever venom was in her blood whenI asked Tracy to stake me. She wouldn't -- couldn't -- but I ended up using her to stake myself. She must have thought I was really dead, because I ended up buried in the ground. So I was there, unmoving, unconscious, lying in the dirt when she was in that hospital room with her life slipping away. If only I had been there, maybe I could have changed something. Maybe I could have brought her across -- or at least held her hand as she slipped out of this world.
But I wasn't there, and I'll never know if I could have changed anything. I'll never know if my presence made a difference in her life, or if my "death" had affected her somehow that made her lose her focus and walk into that shooting unprepared.
Or maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. My death might not have affected her much at all. Maybe she didn't feel that way about me. I could have been just a curiosity, a new way to walk on the edge of danger...Maybe she didn't have the same thrill in her heart every time she saw me. But somehow, I think I knew she loved me as much as I loved her.
And now here I am, fifty years later, still unable to get over her. I see her everywhere and get lost in a memory. I walk down the street and it's like she's there. I see a flash of blonde hair in the moonlight, and I wonder, just for a second, if it's her... I see her eyes in a stranger's face... It's gotten to the point where everyone I see reminds me of her...I don't know if it's wishful thinking, or hallucinations. Do I miss her so much I somehow delude myself into thinking she's here with me, or am I truly going crazy?
The memories are just getting stronger. I kept thinking they would go away, that eventually I would stop thinking about Tracy, that even though my feelings for her seemed so much stronger than anything I'd ever felt, it was just because my old memories of others had been dimmed by time. Eventually, years would pass, and I'd get back to my old, carefree lifestyle, like it had been long before I met her. Just because I wasn't running from the Inca didn't mean I was going to settle down.
And I did move on, in a way. I got out of Toronto, thought I was getting on with my life. But I wasn't... I was running. Instead of running from the Inca, like I had been doing for all my immortal life, I was running from my memories.
I thought I would get over her, get past the pain. That it would be no big deal, just like all the other women in my past. I guess that's how I knew what I feel for Tracy is really love, because it didn't just go away. Her eyes haunt me, her voice whispers to me on the wind. Her scent surrounds me, even when I'm alone. In my dreams, I can feel her touch, taste her lips... I don't know how to make it stop, how to make the memories go away. I don't even know if I want them to.
Is there nothing I can do? Am I going to be haunted by her forever? All I know is I can't keep running from my memories. I don't want to forget her, but I can't keep living in the past.
So here I am, in Toronto again, in the city where I met the woman who changed my life. Trying to get the courage to confront my memories of her so I can find some way go on with my life.
Thanks to Anita and Evil Cousin Tiff for their input.
Permission is given to archive this at fkfanfic and the FTP site ... Anyone else, please ask.
Everywhere I Turn
by Deanie
January 2000
**A smile out of nowhere stops me in my tracks
I can't believe that after all this time you still have that kind of impact
Everywhere I turn I see your face, proving that a fool's love never fades
In my mind your mind is forever burned
I keep trying not to stare, but you're always there, everywhere I turn**
Here I am, in Toronto again. I can't believe it's been fifty years. In a way, it seems like I haven't been here for a thousand, but at the same time it seems like it was yesterday. I never thought my memories would be this strong -- they hadn't been that way before -- but the memories that kept drawing me to back this place. All of my life, there was never anywhere I couldn't forget, any place that tied me... never any person I couldn't just walk away from when the time came to move on.
Until Tracy...beautiful, golden-haired Tracy. I thought she was just a distraction, someone to spend time with, maybe flirt with. Yeah, I was attracted, but I had been interested in plenty of women -- that was nothing new. Tracy, she was different from anyone I'd ever met before. And somehow, she changed my life.
I used to tell myself that I stopped running and stayed in Toronto because I wanted to, because I thought it was time to stay in one place a little longer than usual. I made my own decisions; with the Inca gone, no one else could influence me. But after a while I didn't believe myself, and had to come up with another explanation. So I tried to tell myself it was because of Knight, because of how he threatened me if I didn't protect Tracy. I didn't want to get on the bad side of someone older and stronger...especially someone who learned intimidation at the right hand of LaCroix. But eventually, the time came when I couldn't deceive myself anymore. I had stayed in Toronto for one reason only - because of my feelings for Tracy.
I had never felt anything like what I experienced when I first looked into her eyes. A spark, running through me, all the way down to my soul. She was exquisite. The way her smile just lit up the room and her hair glistened in the soft glow of the moonlight. My memories of the sunshine paled in comparison to the light of her golden beauty.
I had known women who were more attractive. But Tracy's beauty came from within, from her joy for life that just shone through in everything she did. She had this energy, a vitality I couldn't understand. There was something about the way she lived her life, as if she cherished every minute, made every moment count.
She was so brave - probably foolishly so. She wasn't afraid of danger, wasn't afraid even when she should be. She wasn't afraid to be a part of my world of darkness. Her only insecurity was her need to prove herself, to show that she was her own person not riding on her father's coattails... and in the end, that was her downfall.
She was only 26. That's too young to die, too young for someone so full of life and love to have her light snuffed out... too young for her body to be lying there, cold and lifeless and decaying in the frigid ground. We were supposed to have more time to make these decisions about our relationship. Supposed to have more time to sort out our feelings, to analyze our connection, to figure out what we wanted from each other...
But we didn't. And now she's gone.
We didn't even have the last few days of her life together. Divia robbed us of that. I was delirious, crazed by whatever venom was in her blood whenI asked Tracy to stake me. She wouldn't -- couldn't -- but I ended up using her to stake myself. She must have thought I was really dead, because I ended up buried in the ground. So I was there, unmoving, unconscious, lying in the dirt when she was in that hospital room with her life slipping away. If only I had been there, maybe I could have changed something. Maybe I could have brought her across -- or at least held her hand as she slipped out of this world.
But I wasn't there, and I'll never know if I could have changed anything. I'll never know if my presence made a difference in her life, or if my "death" had affected her somehow that made her lose her focus and walk into that shooting unprepared.
Or maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. My death might not have affected her much at all. Maybe she didn't feel that way about me. I could have been just a curiosity, a new way to walk on the edge of danger...Maybe she didn't have the same thrill in her heart every time she saw me. But somehow, I think I knew she loved me as much as I loved her.
And now here I am, fifty years later, still unable to get over her. I see her everywhere and get lost in a memory. I walk down the street and it's like she's there. I see a flash of blonde hair in the moonlight, and I wonder, just for a second, if it's her... I see her eyes in a stranger's face... It's gotten to the point where everyone I see reminds me of her...I don't know if it's wishful thinking, or hallucinations. Do I miss her so much I somehow delude myself into thinking she's here with me, or am I truly going crazy?
The memories are just getting stronger. I kept thinking they would go away, that eventually I would stop thinking about Tracy, that even though my feelings for her seemed so much stronger than anything I'd ever felt, it was just because my old memories of others had been dimmed by time. Eventually, years would pass, and I'd get back to my old, carefree lifestyle, like it had been long before I met her. Just because I wasn't running from the Inca didn't mean I was going to settle down.
And I did move on, in a way. I got out of Toronto, thought I was getting on with my life. But I wasn't... I was running. Instead of running from the Inca, like I had been doing for all my immortal life, I was running from my memories.
I thought I would get over her, get past the pain. That it would be no big deal, just like all the other women in my past. I guess that's how I knew what I feel for Tracy is really love, because it didn't just go away. Her eyes haunt me, her voice whispers to me on the wind. Her scent surrounds me, even when I'm alone. In my dreams, I can feel her touch, taste her lips... I don't know how to make it stop, how to make the memories go away. I don't even know if I want them to.
Is there nothing I can do? Am I going to be haunted by her forever? All I know is I can't keep running from my memories. I don't want to forget her, but I can't keep living in the past.
So here I am, in Toronto again, in the city where I met the woman who changed my life. Trying to get the courage to confront my memories of her so I can find some way go on with my life.