THE LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

THE JOURNEY ENDS

CHAPTER ONE-

Our journey through Fangorn Forest was punctuated by stories of what happened after I lost consciousness and the occasional explosive fart from Gimli. Apparently he hadn't eaten since the morning we left Edoras and had eaten an entire packet of lembas bread earlier that morning. "Bloody elvish bread," Gimli muttered and grunted as he huddled behind a thick bush. That's when it hit! I thought that army latrines in Afghanistan after eating curry beef were noisy and stunk! The smells, sounds, and string of swearing that came from the dwarf were as funny as they were disgusting.

Once Gimli was finished killing the surrounding plants with his stench we were able to move on. The first day passed without much happening save a minor skirmish with a small group of Uruk-hai that had survived the battle and the Ents. Theoden and Theodred laughed with Eomer over a private joke on one side of the fire as Gandalf smoked his pipe and everyone else ate some of the fresh venison that Aragorn and killed an hour earlier.

"Ya know," I said between bites, "Your skill at cooking venison has improved greatly since I first tried your cooking all those years ago my friend." "That was Bombur's cooking and the smoked and dried meat I gave you was beef not venison," Aragorn retorted with a grin. "That would explain the strong hint of dwarvish spirits. However, It doesn't explain how I managed to get a case of Firehole that would resemble the case that Gimli had today; ESPECIALLY after your hand seemed to hover over my tea when you thought that I wasn't looking."

Everyone laughed at Aragorn as he turned a bright shade of red. "I-I," he stuttered. "It's okay mellon nin. Everyone plays pranks from time to time," I reassured him. "That's good, but you should know that it was..," he was cut off by Gnadalf saying, "That's enough talk. Everyone should get some rest. We continue at dawn." I never did get to hear what Aragorn was going to say but I had a sneaking suspicion that the prank so long ago had been the wizard's idea.

I was lucky enough not to have guard duty that night. Sleep found me quickly after the end of our conversation. Dreams were sporadic, disturbing, and entertaining. One was particularly terrifying though. I dreamed that I was running naked through the crowd at Aragorn's coronation and everyone was laughing at me.

Dawn came bright and strangely cold. The smell of venison from the previous night was wafting through the air. Sitting up, I realized that I wasn't wearing a shirt. "No shirt," I said to myself, "Oh shit! I'm not wearing any pants either!"

"Looking for these my exhibitionist friend," Legolas teased as he held my pants above my head. I sat there fuming mad, wondering what I should do. The fucking smartass yanked the pants out of my reach as I raised my hand up to take them from him. After several rounds of this and a lot of teasing from Legolas and Gimli, I finally had my pants on.

No sooner had I gotten my pants on than I felt the muscles around my lower abdomen clamp down. "Motherfuck," I shouted as I took off for the nearest fallen log to hang my butt over. I barely managed to get the tweeds to the knees. "GANDALF," I shouted as "Montezuma's Revenge" hit me full force. "I am truly sorry my boy," the wizard's voice came through the bush concealing me, "When you reminded me of that trick I couldn't help myself." "You are an asshole," I grumbled. "Such language from a lord of the realm," he teased, "Drink this." A tin cup of some steaming liquid appeared next to my head and I drank the entire thing.

The liquid instantly calmed my rebelling insides, and allowed me to return to cam and finish getting dressed. Once dressed I had a question that I needed answered. The hard part would be to get the courage to ask it.

"Um-uh-Boromir," I approached the sniggering Gondorian, "I think I already know the answer to this, but how in the hell did I end up naked?" He must have found my question funny because his giggles became a full on laugh attack. "Y-you jumped out of your bedroll a-and started saying something about pickles and onions before dancing around the fire," he continued, "Once you made three revolutions you sat down and started mumbling about 'yoo-something.' " "It was terribly funny," Theoden teased me. "It was funny for a moment or two," Theodred added, "but then it got dark." Everyone got really quiet. "Theodred," I was getting nervous, "What do you mean by 'dark?' " Aragorn passed me some food and gave me a cautious look. Eomer came limping into the camp with his left arm wrapped in bandages and two fingers bound together.

"A-after you broke wind on the fire," Eomer continued the story, "We all had a good laugh. Then you changed direction as quickly as the wind in a blizzard. You became combative and started shouting. You were talking about 'incoming,' unkind things about someone killing an 'NCO' on Christmas Day, and then you attacked me." My heart sunk as I listened to what he told me. I had been reliving time spent in Afghanistan! "Eomer tried to wake you," Boromir picked the story up again, "and you flew into a rage. I have never seen anyone fight like you did. Your fighting style was as fluid as the elves'. You sliced his arm open and broke two of his fingers before we could wake Gandalf and get him to try to subdue you." "I-I am so sorry my friends. I should have warned you that I do this from time to time," I apologized. "Do not apolo...," I cut Eomer off, "Wait! Then how did I end up nude!" Everyone started laughing again. "You ran into the trees and disappeared for an hour. When you returned you tore your clothes off and started laughing. We thought that you had gone mad," Gimli was laughing so hard he could barely breathe, "That's when you said something about a 'Wicky Dance.' You started shaking your 'Battle Axe' from side to side screaming; 'Wicky, Wicky, Wicky,' at the top of your lungs." "FUCK! DAMMIT! TWAT WAFFLES AND TIT FRIES," I screamed! This only caused everyone to laugh harder.

It was fortuitous that Gandalf chose that moment to interrupt, "We need to get a move on if we are to reach Isengard by midday." Everyone kept having fits of the giggles as we broke camp, extinguished the fire, and mounted our horses. I was in a foul mood the rest of the morning due to the embarrassment I had caused myself.

"Tell me lad," Gimli asked, "What did you mean by 'should have warned' us earlier?" He wasn't going to let it go until I answered him. I could tell by the look he had on his face. It was the same look that his father had had when we were battling Azog before the eagles saved us.

"I have what is sometimes called 'Somnambulism,' " I began, "This means that I do things in my sleep. Especially walk." The trees were starting to thin out ever so slightly. "I know what it means lad," Gimli barked with laughter. "You see," I continued, "I walk, talk, scream, swear, fight, and do all kinds of things in my sleep." I thought that I heard laughter from up ahead. "That would explain some of the odd 'zombie' stories my da' told me about you," Gimli said before lapsing into silence.

A great stone wall rose suddenly on our right and the trees gave way to utter destruction of parts of the wall. "Ha ha," a young hobbit laughed from high on the wall. "Welcome my lords…to Isengard," Merry shouted down to us. "You young rascals," Gimli huffed, "A merry hunt you've led us on! Now we find you feasting a-and smoking!"

This seemed to be cause for great mirth for the hobbits. "We're under orders. From Treebeard, who's taken over management of Isengard," Merry greeted us. "The salted pork," Pippin took a bite of the aforementioned food, "Is particularly good." "Hobbits," Gandalf muttered. I rode my horse close to the wall and Pippin climbed down. Merry rode with Boromir as we made our way gingerly through the water toward the tower of Orthanc.