Disclaimer: All characters in the Twilight Saga are property of Stephenie Meyer.No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Okay just to be clear, this story is going to be set Post Breaking Dawn but this chapter is set before she turned into a wolf. The actual story starts in chapter three but this chapter and the next are necessary for the plot. Don't forget to review. I'd love to know what you guys think.
I was running as fast as I could. I knew it was a bad idea, the worst I've probably had but I couldn't help it, it was an instinct of mine or at least I thought it was. My cousin, Emily, had suffered a bear attack when she and...her boyfriend were in the woods. The whole family was at the hospital, everyone but me. I was here, in front of the house of the man that broke my heart. Emily was in intensive care and from what I heard her parents hadn't allowed Sam to go see her. Sam. That name still had the power to hurt me.
I shook my head in an attempt to clear it; there was a bigger issue here. I just couldn't understand why my aunt and uncle had chased him away, so I came to see if he was okay. Despite everything I'm worried about him. Knowing Sam, he would be blaming himself for the incident.
I debated whether to go through the front door or not, I wasn't sure. His mom and I used to get along pretty well and I know she disapproved of us breaking up. Little by little though, Emily won her over and now there is this awkwardness between the two of us. I opted for climbing the tree next to his room window, it was unlocked as always and just as I expected he crawled into corner with his head down. He heard me open the window and come in but refused to look in my direction. In fact, he got farther away.
"Don't. Don't come any closer Leah. I don't want to hurt you. Not you, too." His voice was broken with guilt. I couldn't understand why though. It was an accident after all. I hated this. It wasn't fair, why did it have to hurt even more to see him like this? Despite his warning, I got closer.
"Sam it's not your fault. You didn't- it was an accident." I tried to reason with him but he was so damn stubborn.
"Wrong! This is my fault, it's all my fault. Damn it all!" His fist made contact with the floor and then he began to breathe heavily while his body was shaking. This wasn't normal.
"Sam." I called to him, but it was like he wasn't here. "Sam!" I screamed loudly not caring that his mom could hear me. "Stop this. This isn't you!" I had become accustomed to his unusual behavior in the past weeks and had even believed I was the only one that could make him come back to his senses. But now…this time was different, I had never seen him in so much pain. I wanted to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but how could I? We weren't anything anymore. I clenched my fists in frustration as I turned around. If I kept looking at him when he was this vulnerable I would most likely throw myself at him like I used to when we were together.
"Damn it, Sam. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Is this why you broke up with me? So you could turn into this?" I waved my hand towards him. "And so you could make Emily miserable while you're at it? Why haven't you gone to see her? I know my aunt and uncle forbade you from doing so but-"
"She's the one that doesn't want to see me. And she's right. She shouldn't see me."
"What?" That was all I could manage to verbalize. I was perplexed by his words. How? Why?
"When I took her to the hospital she told me that she never wanted to see me again. Her parents heard and that's when…when they made their choice. It's my fault that she's in the hospital. It's all my fault." He kept repeating that to himself as if in doing so, he himself was being punished. I felt helpless against the hurt his voice carried as he spoke. I motioned my hand towards him but then thought better. It would be a wrong move on my behalf and so far I have done enough damage to my heart for one day.
"Look, Sam, she must have been in shock or something and that's why she said that. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure the injury on her face wasn't caused by a bear attack." He looked shocked at what I said which only confirmed my suspicions.
"Why, why do you say that?" He was barely able to make out the words.
I shrugged nonchalantly "Dad does a lot of hunting, remember? Anyway, it's not my business, but I'm guessing whatever attacked her had an impact on her and you are the only person who was there that can make sense of it all. On top of that, she will carry a scar for the rest of her life, Sam! Do you know how that'll affect her? Even if she's not the type to be concerned with looks any girl would fall apart knowing they will be permanently scarred. And on the face to top it off!" I raised my voice fully aware it might not be the brightest idea, given his current state, but I know Sam would never hurt me.
"I know that already!" He growled at me while maintaining his distance "Are you going somewhere with this?" He was furious but the anger was directed at himself, not me.
"Yeah, she needs reassurance." I told him equally mad and frustrated with this whole situation. "She needs you!" The realization of the words almost brought tears to my eyes. He no longer was my Sam just as I wasn't his Lee-Lee either. I had to get out of here before I cried and that was the last thing he needed right now. I wasn't about to add to his guilt.
"Stop being such a coward and go see her already." I turned for the window when I felt him grab my arm. I turned to look at him and I wish I hadn't, it was the worst mistake I could have done today. One look in his eyes and I knew what he wanted. I would do anything for him, but not that, anything but that. Regardless, I allowed him to say it partly because I hoped it would be something different than what I had concluded.
"Leah, could you…could you talk to her and maybe convince her to see me?" The rational part of me recognized he was desperate and sympathized with him but I'm not prepared to be the liaison between the two.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Seriously? You're really asking me to go see my cousin in the hospital and ask her to make up with my ex-boyfriend which, by the way, I still have feelings for. Really, Sam?" I didn't care anymore whether he got hurt or not. I tried to be nice and understanding but there was a limit. I allowed the tears to form in my eyes not caring about anything anymore. "Damn it Sam, I still love you!"
"Leah I told you-" He sounded tired but more than that, he was using that tone again. Like if I was a child and couldn't comprehend what he was saying.
"Don't give me that Sam. I already know the, it's not you it's me, crap and frankly I don't like it." I shot at him, equally tired with this argument.
"But Leah it-" I didn't give him time to explain. I didn't want to be reminded once again of how useless I was to not be able to keep the man that I love to the point where he was snatched right in front of me.
"I'm leaving. It was a mistake coming here in the first place. Enjoy your misery Sam." I climbed down the tree and raced to no place in particular I just needed to get away from him.
One month. It had been a month since I went to see Sam and he still hadn't shown his face at the hospital. I had come every day to the hospital debating whether I should advocate for him as he asked. I smiled sourly at the thought. I had no right calling him a coward when I was no better. I still didn't understand Emily's behavior though. She hadn't wanted to see anyone, and when questioned about the attack, she claimed she didn't remember. I hadn't once walked into her room much less talked to her and even now, I find myself debating whether to go inside or not. I prayed to any and all higher power to give me strength to talk to her calmly. Just until I make it out of her room then I'd cry all I wanted.
A moment later, I felt my head clear out. I could think coherently now and the pain in my chest as well as the knot in my stomach disappeared. Good, at this rate I would be able to go through with it.
I opened the door and noticed she was awake. She was looking out the window. She looked normal until she turned at the sound of the door closing. Half of her face was covered in bandages. She looked at me and regret marked her face. There was an awkward silence in the room until she broke it with a self-loathing snort.
"Guess this is what I deserve for doing you wrong, right Leah." That served to hinder everything I had planned to say to her. This whole time she had viewed this as a punishment for what she did to me. No, no Leah, no pain. Not yet.
"I never wished this on you." I told her honestly in an almost whisper while shaking my head.
"I know, but I do deserve it, don't I?" She sounded as if she was resigned to pay for a crime that she did not commit.
"I'd be lying if I told you it didn't make me feel the slightest bit hopeful that things could get patched between me and Sam." A silence fell once again and when I noticed she wasn't going to respond I continued. "I went to see him a month ago. He looked horrible; not as bad as you but you get the idea." I received a light chuckle for that and couldn't help but smile.
I let the moment pass and remembered how it used to be between us the two of us. We would talk for hours on the phone and when we got to see each other, we'd do everything together. That was back when everything made sense in my life. Once composed, I asked what I had come here to ask. "He said you didn't want to see him. Is that true?" I looked at her intently still not believing what Sam had said. She didn't say anything just nodded.
"I see." My voice was sober; I was too calm and didn't understand why. Had I become numb to the pain after such heartache? "You know, Emily, no matter how you see it, you stole him from me." She nodded again and I saw tears forming in her free eye. "Even so…even so I didn't hate you. I felt hurt, betrayed, let down even but I never hated you. I don't know if I can say the same now. After seeing Sam and how much he hates himself for allowing this to happen to you, I think….I think I'm starting to hate you. I don't want that, but if you hurt him, if you stole him from me only to make him this miserable, then I will hate you, Emily. I don't know what happened in the woods, but I do know you're covering for him. I know the two of you well enough to realize that much, and if you are willing to cover for him despite of what might have happened then…" I had to pause before finishing. I wasn't sure if I could do this anymore. I began to feel the tears in the back of my eyes as the slight pain in my chest returned. "Then that means you love him. I know because despite how hurt I am, I still have feelings for him, Emily, even now. But it is clear to me that he doesn't belong to me. I don't think he ever did." I let the knowledge sink in for her sake and mine. She kept silent again, which only irritated me. Why wasn't she saying anything?
I wanted to do this calmly but her silence and self-loathing was infuriating, and as hurt as I was, I hated to see her like this. I love Emily, she's always been like a sister to me and seeing her so…so broken was heartbreaking. It hurt me to see her like this, just like it hurt to see Sam a month ago in the same state. Why were they hurting so much when they love each other? I'm the one betrayed here; I have a reason to hurt, unlike these idiots. Why don't they just get together and get it over with? Thinking about this transformed my pain into anger.
I got up and threw my hands in the air, "Damn it, Emily, what do you want from me! I'm telling you he loves you and chose you over me. Want more do you want? He's yours now. Do you want me to hand him to you on a silver platter as well?"
She was surprised at what I was saying and I don't blame her. I hadn't come to yell at her so why did I go off on her without warning? "You say you don't hate me now but you will. You said it yourself, you still love Sam. Do you think you won't be able to hate me when you see him with me? Do you honestly think you can be happy for us? Do you think I can be happy when I know you're hurting? Can you still be my bride's maid of honor like we promised we'd be to each other when you know I'll be marrying Sam?" Her volume slowly increased until she finished with a broken voice and heavy pants.
I was frozen. Marriage? Were they thinking that far ahead? Had Sam taken her in the woods to propose? Had she declined because of me? If so, had he gotten mad enough to abandon her and that's how she was attacked? She never denied loving him, she only talked about how I would feel.
"See you can't even say anything. Leah, let's both forget about Sam. He doesn't deserve either one of us. Besides, I've missed you. We don't need him."
As she spoke I saw how the visible part of her face twisted in pain and how her hands curl into fists as she gripped the sheets tightly. She bit her bottom lip to hold herself from crying and failed miserably. No matter how hurt I've been I know I've never looked like this. She really loved him, and more than that, she was willing to give him up because of me. I realized everything I had said was only half-heartedly.
I unconsciously reached for her and rested her head on my shoulder as I spoke from the heart. "You're so stupid Emily. Do you think I'll be happy if you do that? The only thing that's gonna do is make you hurt more, make Sam hurt, and make me hate myself for hurting you both. I love Sam, Emily but…but I love you more. It's okay if you marry him. I'll…I'll still be your maid of honor just please don't ever make that face again."
She let go of the sheets, held onto me tightly, and cried. I knew she was crying for my sake because I refused to do so. She could cry, Emily has always been the gentle and delicate one while I've been the strong one. I can handle whatever comes at me, that's why I won't cry, not here. It was the last part of my dignity I was holding onto and I refused to let that go as well. The whole time neither one of us spoke; when she was done I helped her lie down. We were still quiet and the more time passed the more awkward this became. I looked around as I realized I couldn't stay here any longer, the pain was slowly increasing and again I refused to cry in front of her. She would blame herself and continue to refuse to see Sam.
"That's all I had to say so I'll be leaving now." As I excused myself I waited for her to speak, but she kept silent so I turned for the door. Just before opening it, a doctor stepped in.
Dr. Cullen. He was quite famous around this town but I didn't understand why such a prestigious doctor was hated by the tribe. We were all told to stay away from him and his family. I looked over at Emily once more and her eyes pleaded me to stay.
"Perhaps the patient would feel better with a family member around."The doctor announced in a gentle voice yet I couldn't help getting the feeling that I shouldn't trust him. There was something that warned me against him but I chose to hide it since Emily looked frightened. Strange, in all my life she had never been scared of doctors; I guess this whole affair affected her more than I thought. I found a chair next to her and reluctantly held her hand. "I'm sorry but the other doctors are either busy or are on break. I was the only one available to come and check up on her. She is scheduled to have the bandages removed later on today and I need to be sure everything is fine before doing so." He explained as I wondered if doctors usually give explanations to their patients.
A nurse stepped in with a needle and explained how it was necessary for the pain. When she was finished she informed me she would fall asleep momentarily. I responded with a nod.
I tried to get away as the doctor went about to clear all his equipment, but my attempt was in vain as Emily gripped my arm.
"Leah?" She sounded drowsy. The drug must have kicked in.
"Hm?"
"I never said this but…I'm sorry. I never meant-"
"Stop!" I ordered not wanting to hear this. "Don't apologize, the damage is already done. Just promise me you'll take care of him. He's a good man. Besides, it's his loss." I told her good-naturedly with a smile that I hoped seemed sincere.
Emily smiled, though she was already falling asleep.
"Leah?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you." She breathed out before sleeping.
The Doc and I exited together. Once in the hallway he turned to me, "That was very kind of you." He informed me. I offered a desolated smile for his compliment. He was referring to how I stayed by Emily's side while he did his check up yet the words really struck me. This whole time I'd been caught up with Sam and Emily that I hadn't thought about myself. I hadn't realized how much I needed someone, anyone, to say anything that was remotely benevolent towards me. Not that he'll ever know, but I really appreciated him saying that.
"Hey Doc, can I ask for a favor?" I asked completely resigned.
"What is it?" He asked genuinely curious.
"Could you call Sam Uley and ask him to come in. Tell him Emily requested it." I tried to appear casual and the look the doctor gave me assured me it had been a mission accomplished.
"Sure I'll see what I can do. Just be sure to leave his information with the nurse at the front."I nodded and he went on to do his duties, but not before he gave me one last compassionate smile and still I couldn't bring myself to trust him. It was clear he was harmless, anyone could see that with one look, but there was something in my core that fought against that familiarity I was beginning to feel towards him. I would have dwelled on this matter if I didn't have bigger problems. I reluctantly turned to the front desk and did as instructed. Once I was finished, I searched for the closest exit not being able to stand one more second of being here. As I hurried out the door, I tripped on the carpet leading to the automatic door.
Thankfully I was caught by two guys that were coming in. Their hands were ice cold and the shock of it had me looking up at their faces. I didn't noticed how they looked all I could see was their eyes, a bright gold just as Dr. Cullen's. They must have been his sons. One of them seemed to be in a lot of pain. Good, at least I'm not the only one. The other one gave me a crooked smile before speaking. "Are you okay", his voice was a sweet melody, too sweet. No human should sound so perfect. I regained my balance as I registered what he said. I wanted to laugh in his face – okay? I was far from okay unless having your heart broken and being betrayed by the people closest to you constitutes as okay. In that case I'm just peachy. I saw him smirk while trying to restrain a chuckle. What in the world could be so funny? I turned towards my car not being able to keep eye contact much longer. Even if the tribe leaders hadn't ordered us to stand clear of them, I would've done so. There is something about them that doesn't sit right.
I walked towards my car and drove to First Beach. That place had a soothing effect on all tribe members; it's almost as if it was a part of us. And right now I needed the stability it offered because the moment I got inside my car the pain was too much to handle. The farther I got away from the hospital the more tears came out. Eventually they dried up as I came to one conclusion. I was tired, tired of being nice. That thought made me think of a saying I heard once 'nice people finish last'. I laughed sarcastically at how true that was and so I made up my mind, I'm through with it. I'm through with getting hurt. I'm through with finishing last. And most definitely, I'm through with being nice. I'm through with it all.
A/N: Alright just in case you missed it, she stumbled upon Jasper and Edward. They are also the reason her pain was numbed when she spoke to Emily. I will further explain what was going on with those two in later chapters.