A/N: This story, much like my other story CSI Scranton, is written in script form. I tried to write it as clearly as possible, but I realize some parts can be more confusing than others. Here's a few helpful tips--
(TH) means 'talking head' from the conference room. Anything different will be shown like this: (TH- somewhere).
(VO) means 'voice-over'
(anything written in italics and enclosed in parentheses set the tone for the scene or how a certain character is acting)
That's all I can think of at the moment. All right, I'll leave you to your reading. Enjoy:)
The Office
Cleaning Day
Cold Opening
(Camera pans in on the cramped closet area where Michael's new company is held. Michael is sitting at his desk and staring at his monitor, looking distinctly confused. Ryan is leaning lazily against the wall with his arms crossed. Pam is sitting alone at the poker table, doodling idly on a piece of paper. Michael speaks up.)
Michael: So... I put the numbers in one of these box things here?
(He points to something on the screen, and both Pam and Ryan sigh wearily)
Ryan (tersely): You put the amount of the sale in the box after the last box you wrote in.
Michael (nodding): Okay... and where is that?
(Pam tilts her head back, rolling her eyes upward, and Ryan rubs his eyes with his hand. Both exchange a glance.)
(TH- hallway) Pam: Michael first appointed Ryan and me to do all the spreadsheets for our new company, and only us. But then, Michael got jealous that we, as his workers, were getting more paperwork than he was. So he appointed himself to write out all of the spreadsheets for the Michael Scott Paper Company. (gives the camera a look) Not only is that job impossible to do with just one person, it's even harder when the person doing it had never even heard the phrase 'Microsoft Excel' before today.
Michael: Okay, okay-- so this little paper clip guy popped up again. Should I click...?
Pam and Ryan (simultaneous): No!
Michael: All right, all right (clicks out of the speech bubble). Okay, moving on. So... the amount of that sale was $45.50. Aaaand... we sold that last week, right? Then that means...
(Michael squints, trying to think, and Pam finally cuts in.)
Pam (slowly and clearly): You type 45.5 in the cell under the title 'Sales', and to the right of the title 'Week of March 2nd to March 9th'.
Michael (shaking his head): Uh, no I can't do that.
Pam: Why not?
Michael: Nowhere on here does it say 'Sales' or 'Week of March 2nd to March 9th.
Pam (shocked): You didn't even put the titles in yet...?!
Michael: Well, isn't this 'Microsoft Axel' program supposed to do that part for you?
Pam (rubbing her temples): Excel
Ryan (sarcastically): Actually, Michael, it's supposed to write your titles in for you after you type in your credit card number into cell F3 and press the space bar exactly seventeen and a half times.
Michael (not picking up on the sarcasm): Wow, seriously?
(Pam and Ryan exchange another glance before both look back at Michael. They have the same idea.)
Pam: Yeah, it's pretty tough. You have to change the magnification to 167%...
Ryan: ...and adjust the margins to 1.65 lengthwise.
Michael (blinking): Wha...
Pam: Oh, and all the cells have to be a quarter inch apart. Each.
Ryan: Did you change the color palette to iris? Because the program won't work without an iris background...
Michael (stuttering): I-- uh...
Pam: Also your average typing speed has to be at least an 85...
Ryan: ...Then, after the titles are in, you have to type pi from memory in fifteen random cells before the program will give you all the sales numbers automatically.
(Pam frowns at Ryan, and he merely gives her a small shrug. Both look over at their boss.)
Michael (mumbling): Huh... that sounds really complicated...
Pam (agreeing): Yeah.
Ryan (nodding): Sure is.
(Michael leans back in his chair thoughtfully, and Pam and Ryan look at him hopefully)
Michael (clapping, suddenly determined): All right, gang! Be prepared to work through lunch, 'cause you guys are gonna teach me all this mumbo jumbo!
(Pam and Ryan both stare at Michael, then at the camera in disbelief. They groan wearily as their boss rambles on.)
Michael: So... I cut pi into how many pieces?
End Cold Opening
Theme Song
Now, on with the show...
(Camera pans in on the upstairs office, where everybodys' desks are surrounded by recycle bins and stacks of papers. Erin is replacing all of her chewed pencils with newer, more colorful ones. Phyllis is wiping down her monitor with a baby wipe, and Stanley is sitting across from her with his book of crossword puzzles. Kevin finds a container of some questionable food in a drawer. He opens the lid slightly and takes a sniff while Oscar sits beside him, looking nauseated.)
(TH) Jim: It's cleaning day today in the office. Charles is insisting that the company is going on a new 'Green' approach, so he is making us recycle every scrap of paper we decide to throw out today. (looks thoughtful for a second) You know, it's truly inspiring to see someone taking the time and energy to delegate us all... to do something we do basically every other day (gives the camera a Jim-look).
(Charles is standing over the office workers, watching them clean with his hands on his hips.)
Charles (briskly): Come on people! I want this done before lunch-- you don't want to be working overtime today, do you?
Angela (piping up from her corner): No, Charles, we most definitely would not like that!
(Charles gives her an awkward, yet appreciative nod, and Angela glows)
Charles: Yeah, uh... anyway-- just hurry it up.
(Charles turns around and walks back into his office. The camera turns to look at Kelly, who's staring at his retreating figure with a dreamy expression on her face.)
(TH) Oscar: No, I don't really mind spring cleaning. I guess the fact that we're actually doing spring cleaning in spring, and not in the dead of winter, is why I am able to actually mildly enjoy it.
(TH) Toby (nodding): Yes, Corporate has been pushing the whole 'Green Initiative' thing on us for quite some time now. Although, Charles and Michael had very different means of instituting this... Only difference is that Charles is actually trying to be an active part in it. (gives a small chuckle, but his smile fades after a second.) I have a feeling I'm going to regret saying that...
(Camera pans in toward the supply shelf, where Jim is trying to set a heavy box onto the highest ledge of the shelf. He is standing on his tip-toes and reaching as high as his arms will allow. He is obviously having some trouble. Charles emerges from the kitchen.)
(Jim and Charles speak at the same time.)
Jim: Hey, Charles. Could you--?
Charles (keeps walking): --Put your back into it, Halpert.
(Jim, still balancing the box on his fingertips, stumbles slightly on his feet. He gives a look to the camera as Charles disappears into his office.)
(Pam and Ryan are both walking in the parking lot toward Pam's blue Yaris. There is an awkward distance between the two as they both look up at the camera. They both then glance away, uncomfortable.)
(VO) Michael: The Michael Scott Paper Company has been a little short of clients since, um... well since it started...so I have sent Pam and Ryan out together all day to do a little cold calling. Together they're going to be an unstoppable team. Like... like Abbott and Costello. (Michael suddenly smiles) Or Cheech and Chong. (leans back, grinning to himself) Who else? Oh! Those dudes from that... Star Track show, or whatever. You know what I'm talking about-- Shatner, and that pointy-eared guy? Yeah, they're pretty cool. Dwight won't shut up about them... God, he's kind of a weirdo... (Michael drifts off in thought for a second) Ooh! Sonny and Cher...
(Hidden camera is set on Pam's dashboard. Pam is driving as she glances over at Ryan.)
Pam: You looking forward to doing sales calls all today?
Ryan (vaguely): Eh... can't complain...
Pam (nodding and looking forward): That's a first...
(TH- outside front doors) Pam: Michael and Ryan are both my coworkers in this office, but Ryan is technically my only colleague. And we haven't really gotten along since, well... ever. (gives the camera a look) So, yeah... I'm really hoping these sales calls will go well...
(TH- hallway) Ryan: (looking down and texting on his cell phone. He's holding up one finger, indicating that he'll be done in a second. He brings his hand down and texts for a few more seconds before the camera turns off).
(TH- outside front doors) Pam (cont.): … Though it might be easier to quit.
End Scene 1
To Be Continued