Blackadder Meets HP5: General Hospital
DISCLAIMER: Based on the HP books by J.K. Rowling and the 'General Hospital' episode from Blackadder Goes Forth. No money is being made and no copyrights are being infringed.
Scene 1: Draco Malfoy's Dugout
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(Captain Draco Malfoy, Lt. Vincent Crabbe, and Private Gregory Goyle are seated in a circle. Malfoy is reading a book.)
Crabbe: I spy with my little eye (He looks behind his shoulder and sees a mug.) something beginning with 'M'.
Goyle: Erm...
Crabbe: (Encouraging.) MMM...
Goyle: Erm...
Crabbe: (Encouraging.) MMM... (He bobs his head down to within inches of the mug a few times.)
Goyle: Mmm...
Crabbe: MMMuh... (He picks up the mug and holds it in front of him.)
Goyle: Mmm...
Malfoy: (Wishing he could read his book in peace; can't stand this carrying on any longer; shouts.) MUG!!!
Crabbe: Oh, I say, well done, Sir. Your turn.
Malfoy: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with 'T'.
Goyle: Breakfast!
Malfoy: What?
Goyle: My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage and an egg.
Malfoy: Goyle, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.
Goyle: Nah, it never begins with a letter; the owls don't come 'til 10:30.
Malfoy: I can't go on with this. (Stands.) Crabbe, take over.
Crabbe: All right, Sir. Erm, I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'.
Goyle: (Raises his arm, even though he's the only one playing.) Army!
Malfoy: For Merlin's sake, Goyle! 'Army' starts with an 'A'. He's looking for something that starts with an 'R'. RRRrrrrr!
Goyle: Motorbike!
Malfoy: What?
Goyle: A motorbike starts with a 'RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! 'RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr--'
Malfoy: All right, right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'?
Goyle: I don't know.
Malfoy: Come here.
(Goyle moves closer to Malfoy; Malfoy punches Goyle in the face.)
Goyle: Ow!
Malfoy: Well done.
Crabbe: No, (Laughs.) I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, to be honest, Sir. I tell you what, let's try another one. Erm, I hear with my little ear, er, something beginning with 'B'.
Malfoy: What?
Crabbe: Bomb.
Malfoy: I can't hear a bomb.
Crabbe: Listen very carefully.
(The whistle of an approaching bomb is heard.)
Malfoy: Ah, yes.
(The bomb explodes in the trench.)
Scene 2: Field Hospital
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(Crabbe is wounded from the bomb and is talking to Healer Cho Chang about a letter he's writing; Chang is massaging his foot.)
Crabbe: Finished.
Chang: Come on, then.
Crabbe: All right, and then you can tell me what you think, but be honest, now.
Chang: (Giggly.) I will!
Crabbe: All right, then. (Reads.) "Dear Uncle H., how are you?" (Chang laughs.) Yeah, it's good isn't it? Erm, "Its beastly rotten luck being laid up here, but everyone's very nice, and at least now I can write to you every day." Oh, ahem, then I put in that silly bit about, er...
Chang: What? What?
Crabbe: No, it's, er...
Crabbe: Oh, come on, you can tell me.
Crabbe: "And the Healer is an absolute peach." (Buries his face in the letter, embarrassed.) Anyway, "After the explosion, Captain Malfoy was marvelous. He joked and joked. 'You lucky, lucky, lucky bastard!' he cried. Then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench, and shouted, 'Over here, Voldie! What about me? What about me?' "
Chang: Well, Captain Malfoy does indeed sound a most witty and courageous chap.
Crabbe: Yes, and he's very amusing and brave, as well. Not to mention he's as clever as a chap with three heads! (Chang stands, ruffles Crabbe's hair and fluffs his pillows.) Thanks ever so much. You really are terribly kind, as well as being dash pretty to boot.
Chang: (Having retrieved a teddy bear from behind the pillows.) Oh dear. A fluffy pillow and a big cheery smile is the least my lovely boyses deserve. (Gives Crabbe the teddy bear.) Now, you take a little trip to Dozy Land. (Crabbe takes the bear and begins sucking his thumb.) You've got visitors coming, and we don't want to be all tired and cross, do we?
Crabbe: Absolutely not, no. It'll be so jolly to see Goyle and the cap again. They'll have been worried sick about me, you know.
(Malfoy and Goyle enter.)
Malfoy: All right, where is the malingering git?
Crabbe: Hello, Cap! Pip, pip, Goyle! Here I lie.
Goyle: Nice to see the lieutenant looking so well, Sir.
Malfoy: Of course he's looking well-there's nothing wrong with him.
Crabbe: Pff! (To Chang.) Didn't I tell you the captain was a super cope?!
Chang: (Bubbly.) You did! (Stands.) Well, Captain, you are indeed fortunate to have a loyal friend like darling Crabbey.
Malfoy: Mm, I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Healer Chang. I lost closer friends than 'Darling Crabbey' the last time I was deloused. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got better things to do than exchange pleasantries with a wet blanket. Would you get out?
Chang: (Shocked.) Well!
Malfoy: We've got some important military business...
Chang: Well, ten minutes only, then. (Leaves.)
Malfoy: Right, porkface, where's the grub? (Sits in bedside chair.)
Crabbe: Pardon?
Malfoy: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Hogwarts.
Crabbe: My family is not inbred!
Malfoy: Come on, somewhere outside Saffon-Waldon there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as though he's constantly trying to swallow a ball cock.
Crabbe: I have not got any uncles like that! (Pauses.) Anyway, he lives in Walton-on-the-Naise.
Malfoy: Well, exactly. Now, where's the tuck?
Crabbe: Well, there were one or two things, yes. There was, er, a potted turkey, a pot of jelly, three tinned sheep, and, er, twelve hundred chocolates. But, in my weakened state...
Malfoy: Yes?
Crabbe: ...I, er, I ate them.
Malfoy: What?
Crabbe: Well, Healer Chang nibbled a trotter or two, but... Oh, Cap, she's such a wonderful girl. She helps me with all my letters, she can do all the spelling and she's terribly good at punctuation.
Malfoy: I don't care if she can sing 'I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep, But I've Got an Enormous Brush'. Come on, Goyle- the only thing we're going to get for free around here is dysentery.
Goyle: (Softly.) But, Sir, I haven't given Lieutenant Crabbe my bunch of flowers yet.
Malfoy: Alright, hurry up, hurry up.
Goyle: Here you are, Sir, I got you these. (Holds up some flower stems, sans the actual flowers.) Unfortunately, they've had their heads blown off.
Malfoy: Whereas some say it with flowers, Goyle says it with stalks.
(Chang enters.)
Chang: Well, Captain, I'm afraid you'll have to leave us now.
Malfoy: Oh really?
Chang: Yes. You must report to General Fudge immediately.
Malfoy: Oh great. Yet another tempting opportunity for suicide beckons.
Crabbe: Gosh, I wish I could come with you, you know, Sir.
Chang: Oh no, you must take care, my brave hero. (Puts hand on his forehead.)
Malfoy: 'Brave hero'? I was more wounded the last time I clipped my toenails.
Chang: (To Crabbe.) Take no notice of him.
Malfoy: (In a sarcastically sympathetic voice.) Yes, pay no attention to the nasty man.
Chang: Look, if I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what can I give them?
Malfoy: Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably think they were unhygienic.
(Chang leaves in huff, while another patient, a tall, lanky man with black, greasy hair and a large moustache, limps in.)
Malfoy: Come on, Goyle. (Turns to patient.) Hello, what's your name?.
Patient: (Eyes glancing around nervously.) I am Mr. Smith.
Malfoy: I'm sorry that you've been landed opposite to such a total git, Smith. It's bad enough to be wounded without having to share a ward with Bananabrain.
Smith: (Nervously.) Yes, well...Excuse me, I, uh, have an appointment…
Malfoy: (Slightly puzzled.) Yes... (Malfoy and Goyle leave.)
Scene 3: Percy Weasley's Office
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(Knock at door.)
General Cornelius Fudge: Enter.
(Malfoy comes in, but finds the room apparently empty.)
Malfoy: (Puts his hat down on the desk corner.) Hello?
(Captain Percy Weasley peeks out from behind the desk. Malfoy turns round and Weasley ducks completely behind the desk for a moment before peeking up again. Across the room, there is a large map with human legs in uniform behind it. Malfoy approaches the map. Weasley comes out from behind the desk and follows Malfoy across the room, breathing heavily. Malfoy sees a panel in the map and slides it open, revealing Fudge's face. Just then, Weasley jumps Malfoy from behind. Weasley is holding his wand as he forces Malfoy to the fireplace.)
Weasley: Right! Spread 'em! (He frisks Malfoy, taking away his wand; he speaks to Fudge.) Right, he's clear, Sir.
Fudge: Baaahhhhh!
Malfoy: Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Weasley: Security, Malfoy.
Malfoy: Security?
Fudge: (Coming out from behind the map.) Security isn't a dirty word, Malfoy. 'Crevice' is a dirty word, but security isn't.
Malfoy: So, in the name of security, Sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert.
Weasley: Only doing my job, Malfoy.
Malfoy: Oh, well, how lucky you are, then, that your job is also your hobby.
Fudge: Now there's another dirty word: 'job'!
Malfoy: Sir, is there something the matter?
Fudge: You're damn right there is something the matter. (Heads for desk.) Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose. (Sits behind desk.)
Malfoy: (Protesting.) Sir, your moustache is lovely...
Weasley: What the general means, Malfoy, is: There's a leak.
Fudge: Now 'leak' is a positively disgusting word.
Weasley: The Death Eaters seem to be able to anticipate our every move. We send up a broom, there's a Death Eater squadron parked behind the nearest cloud; we move troops to a town, the Death Eaters have bought the whole town's supply of lavatory paper. In short: A Death Eater spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
Fudge: You look surprised, Malfoy.
Malfoy: I certainly am, Sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans.
Fudge: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Malfoy: Our battles are directed, Sir?
Fudge: Well, of course they are, Malfoy- directed according to the Grand Plan.
Malfoy: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Dumbledore, his wife Minerva, and his phoenix Fawkes?
Fudge: Great Scott! (Stands.) Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!
Weasley: So you see, Malfoy, Field Marshal Dumbledore is most anxious to eliminate all these Death Eater spies.
Fudge: Filthy weasels fighting their dirty underhand war!
Weasley: And, fortunately, one of our spies-
Fudge: Splendid fellows, brave heroes, risking life and limb for Blighty!
Weasley:-has discovered that the leak is coming from the Field Hospital.
Malfoy: You think there's a Death Eater spy in the Field Hospital? I think you might be right, there.
Fudge: Your job, Malfoy, is to root this spy out. How long do you think you'll need?
Malfoy: (Looks at his watch.) Ooh, er...
Fudge: You'll have to be away from the trenches for some time.
Malfoy: Six months?
Weasley: Nice try, Malfoy. You've got three weeks.
Fudge: Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out! Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get hold of a niffler, tie your suspect down on a chair, with a potty on his head, and then wrap a gold chain around his todger and shout, "Dinnertime, Fido!" However, if you are successful, I shall need you back here permanently, to head up my new security network, Operation Winkle.
Malfoy: Winkle?
Fudge: Yes - to winkle out the spies.
Weasley: (Upset that he wasn't offered the position.) You never mentioned this to me, Sir!
Fudge: Well, we have to have some secrets, don't we, Weasley...
Malfoy: Right, well, I'll be back in three weeks. (Takes his hat and wand.)
Fudge: Excellent. And when you come back with the information, Captain Weasley will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
Malfoy: Not while I have my strength, he won't. (Exits, as Weasley points at him angrily.)
Weasley: Damnation, Sir! His insolence makes my blood boil! What's more, I don't trust him, Sir. I think it would be best if I went to the hospital myself, to keep an eye on him.
Fudge: What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why not? Sounds rather fun. You'll have to go under cover...
Weasley: Oh, definitely, Sir.
Fudge: You'll need some sort of wound, a convincing wound...
Weasley: Naturally, Sir.
Fudge: Yes. (Removes wand from desk drawer and casts Diffindio on Weasley; Weasley screams and falls down as cuts appear on his chest, his hand weakly grasping the side of the desk.) Yes, that looks quite convincing. (Weasley's hand flips off Fudge before finally falling behind the desk.)
Scene 4: Draco Malfoy's Dugout
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Malfoy: Right, pack me a toothbrush, Goyle. We're going on holiday.
Goyle: Hurray! Where to?
Malfoy: Hospital.
Goyle: Oh, no, I hate hospitals. My grandfather went into one, and when he come out, he was dead.
Malfoy: He was also dead when he went in, Goyle. He'd been crushed by a stampeding centaur.
Goyle: I don't like them Healers. If they start poking around inside me-
Malfoy: Goyle, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
Goyle: They might find me interesting.
Malfoy: Goyle, I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan Sewage System interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on some gloves and pull things out if it with a pair of tweezers.
Goyle: Still, I tell you what, Sir, you might have a chance to get to know that pretty healer. (Tries to make a cute face.)
Malfoy: No, thank you, Goyle. She's as wet as a fish's wet bits. I'd rather get to know you.
Goyle: I'm not available, Sir. I'm waiting for Miss Right to come along and gather me up in her arms.
Malfoy: Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful; we'd have to get her arms out of her straightjacket first. Now get packing!
Scene 5: Field Hospital
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(Crabbe is writing another letter, and reading it out to Chang and Smith.)
Smith: So very interesting! Please do continue.
Crabbe: Right, then I go on to say, "The orders came through for us to advance at 0800 hours in a pincer movement."
Chang: Gosh, how exciting!
Crabbe: Yes, well…
(Malfoy and Goyle enter.)
Malfoy: 'Afternoon, Crabbe.
Crabbe: Ah, hello, Cap!
Chang: Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
Malfoy: No, I am going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off!
(Chang leaves in a huff.)
Malfoy: Smith, if you could give us a moment.
Smith: Of course. (Goes across room to his bed.)
Crabbe: So, Cap, what's going on?
Malfoy: Well, there's a Death Eater spy in the hospital and it's my job to find him.
Crabbe: A Dea--? Well, snakes alive! Exciting stuff, eh? Wait a minute; I think I might have a plan already.
Malfoy: What is it?
Crabbe: Well, have a look through the list of patients and see if there's anyone here whose name is on the list of suspected Death Eaters. Well, it's almost bound to be your bloke!
Malfoy: I think we may find that he's using a false name, actually, Crabbe.
Crabbe: Oh, crikey. Well, that's hardly fair, now, is it...
Goyle: I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, Sir.
Malfoy: Do you, Goyle, do you?
Goyle: You go round the hospital and ask everyone, "Are you a Death Eater spy?"
Malfoy: Yes, I must say, Goyle, I appreciate your involvement on the creative side.
Goyle: If it was me, I'd own up.
Malfoy: Of course you would. But, sadly, the enemy has not added to the Death Eater Army Entrance Form the requirement "Must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato." Now, Goyle, see that man over there? (Points at Smith.)
Goyle: Yeah.
(Smith is looking at them through field glasses; he waves.)
Malfoy: I want you to stick to him like a limpet, and make sure he doesn't leave the hospital.
Goyle: Yes, Sir.
(As Goyle walks across to Smith's bed, Weasley hobbles in, with bandages all over his chest.)
Malfoy: Hello, Weasley. What are you doing here?
Weasley: Diffindio.
Malfoy: Well, I can understand people at the front trying that, but when you're 35 miles behind the line...
Weasley: I did not do it myself. The General did it.
Malfoy: Well! Finally got fed up with you, did he?
Weasley: No, it was a mistake.
Malfoy: Oh, he was aiming for your head...
Weasley: He wasn't aiming for anything.
Malfoy: Oh, so he was going for between your legs, then.
Weasley: Very funny, Malfoy. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't find this spy.
Malfoy: Don't you worry, Weasley. I intend to start interviewing suspects immediately.
Scene 6: Chang's Office
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(Weasley is tied to a chair, with a potty on his head.)
Weasley: This is completely ridiculous, Malfoy! You can't suspect me. I've only just arrived.
Malfoy: The first rule of counterespionage, Weasley, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I shall be asking myself pretty searching questions later on. Now, tell me: What is the color of Dumbledore's favorite hat?
Weasley: How the hell should I know?
Malfoy: I see... Well, let me ask you another question: What is the real name of the leader of the Death Eater Army?
Weasley: Well, Tom Riddle, obviously.
Malfoy: (Stands.) So you're on first-name terms with Voldemort, are you?
Weasley: (Shouts.) Well, what did you expect me to say?
Malfoy: Weasley, Weasley, shh...Cigarette?
Weasley: (As Malfoy puts cigarette in his mouth and begins to light it.) Thank you.
(There's a pause before Malfoy suddenly knocks the cigarette out of Weasley's mouth.)
Malfoy: All right, you stinking piece of crap!
Weasley: I beg your pardon?
Malfoy: Shut your cakehole, sonny! I know you! Tell me, Weasley: What was it finally won you over, eh? Was it the power, or was it the thought of getting to cozy up with a reptilian megalomaniac?
Weasley: I'll have you court-martialed for this, Malfoy!
Malfoy: What, for obeying the general's orders? That may be what you do in Voldie's camp but not here! You're a filthy Death Eater spy, aren't you! (Calls.) Goyle, the niffler, please!
Weasley: Agh! No! No, no, wait! No, look, I'm engaged to Penelope Clearwater! I was born into the Weasley family; I was educated in muggle primary school; I know the words to all three verses of the Hogwarts school song!
Malfoy: (Enjoying this.) Four verses...
Weasley: Four verses! Four verses! I meant four verses! Look, for Merlin's sake, I'm not a Death Eater spy!!!
Malfoy: Good. Thanks very much. Send in the next man, would you?
(Chang enters.)
Chang: What is all this noise about? Don't you realize this is a hospital?
Weasley: (Stands, still tied to the chair.) You'll regret this, Malfoy. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
Malfoy: Please, Weasley- there are ladies present.
(Weasley growls and waddles out. Chang takes the potty off his head as he goes. Somewhere down the hallway, a crash is heard accompanied by a scream from Weasley. Chang closes the door.)
Chang: Well, well, Captain Malfoy, this is an unexpected pleasure.
Malfoy: What?
Chang: Nice to have you back with us. A spycatcher, eh? Huh! That silly kid Crabbe was right -- you are a bally hero.
Malfoy: Wait a minute. I thought you liked Crabbe.
Chang: That's just my bedside manner. What I call my 'fluffy bunny' act.
Malfoy: So you're not a drip after all.
Chang: Oh, no. So, Mr Spycatcher, how's it going?
Malfoy: Well, not much luck so far. I think he might be as difficult to find as a piece of hay in a massive stack full of needles.
Chang: So you're going to be around for quite a while, then.
Malfoy: Looks like it.
Chang: Good, because, er, it can get pretty lonely round here, you know… Merlin, it's nice to have someone healthy to talk to. (Pulls out a cigarette case.) Cigarette?
Malfoy: No, thank you. I only smoke cigarettes after making love. So, back home, I'm a twenty-a-day man.
Chang: (Blows smoke in Malfoy's face.) A man should smoke. It acts as an expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravely, masculine tone.
Malfoy: Merlin, I love healers; they're so disgustingly clinical!
Chang: Tell me, Captain Malfoy...
Malfoy: Draco.
Chang: Draco. When this war is over do you think we might get to know each other a little better?
Malfoy: Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go flying together, take a trip down to the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade and go for a walk in the woods.
Chang: Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.
Malfoy: (Looks at the desk.) Yeah, OK.
Scene 7: Field Hospital
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(Smith hobbles in hurriedly, followed immediately by Goyle.)
Crabbe: (From the bed.) Ah, Goyle. Have you seen Healer Chang? I need someone to post this letter.
Goyle: She's in the office with the captain, Sir.
Crabbe: Ah, poor girl -- tied to her desk, day and night...
(Malfoy enters.)
Crabbe: Ah, Cap! I hear you've been seeing a lot of Healer Chang.
Malfoy: Yes -- almost all of her, in fact.
Crabbe: How is she, Sir?
Malfoy: Unbelievable!
Crabbe: (Motions Malfoy to come closer then speaks softly.) What I really want to know is, are you any closer to finding the spy?
Malfoy: Yes, I think I'm getting there, Crabbe. (Looks across the room and calls to Smith.) Everything all right, Smith?
Smith: (Goyle is in bed with him, reading a magazine.) Oh, uh, yes, excellent, excellent.
Malfoy: Jolly good. (Leaves.)
Crabbe: Smith, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around, have you, who might be Death Eater spies?
Smith: Er, no, nobody suspicious…
Scene 8: Chang's Office
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(Chang and Malfoy are in bed; Malfoy is smoking.)
Chang: Tell me, Draco: Do you have someone special in your life?
Malfoy: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Chang: Who?
Malfoy: Me.
Chang: No, I mean someone you love, cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt.
Malfoy: Erm... Still me, really.
Chang: No, but, back home, there must be someone waiting --some sweetheart.
Malfoy: Oh, a girl... Nah. I've been a soldier for too long - married to the army. The book of Ministry's Regulations is my mistress, possibly with a Gladrags's lingerie catalogue discreetly tucked between the pages.
Chang: And no casual girlfriends...?
Malfoy: Skirt? Hah! If only...What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A gardener, maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a babboon...
Chang: There was a man I cared for a little. Wonderful chap -- strong, athletic...
Malfoy: What happened to him?
Chang: He bought it.
Malfoy: I'm so sorry; I didn't realize that was the arrangement. (Stands, goes to desk.) Erm, so what's it been? Twelve nights, let's say nine afternoons... How much is--? Oh, and a couple of mornings...
Chang: I mean he died.
Malfoy: (Apologizing only for his actions -- not the death.) Oh, I'm sorry… (Remembering.) That's right, Cedric…You never found anyone else?
Chang: How could I? He was everything to me…
Malfoy: You must hate Voldemort for it.
Chang: No, after all, Potter was the one who allowed it to happen, and the Dark Lord didn't mean to cause me such pain I'm sure…
Malfoy: The Dark Lord? (Pauses.) I can't imagine he's sorry though…
Chang: No, of course. Oh, Merlin, I miss him so much. He was such a wonderful chap.
Malfoy: You'd probably give anything to get him back…
Chang: Mmm... But why are we making small talk when we could be making big love?
Malfoy: Good point. This could be our last chance; my three weeks are up. I'm going back to staff HQ tomorrow. Look, why don't you come with me? It could be fun. We could have supper or something.
Chang: How about something first, then supper?
Malfoy: Good idea!
Scene 9: Fudge's Office
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(Fudge enters to meet the waiting Malfoy and Chang.)
Fudge: Ah, hello, Malfoy...
Malfoy: Good morning, Sir. Er, may I introduce Healer Chang. She's been very supportive during my work at the hospital.
Fudge: How do you do, young lady? (Chuckles.) Do sit down. (They sit.) So, any news of the spy, Malfoy?
Malfoy: Yes, Sir.
Fudge: Excellent! The Death Eaters seem to know every move we make! I had a letter from Voldie yesterday. It said, "Isn't it about time you changed your shirts, Walrus-face?" So, do you have any ideas who it might be, young lady?
Chang: Well, Sir, I'm only a humble healer, but I did at one point think it might be Captain Weasley.
Fudge: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Weasley, a Death Eater spy? What on Earth made you suspect him?
Chang: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Fudge: Is this true, Malfoy? Did Captain Weasley pooh-pooh you?
Malfoy: Well, perhaps a little.
Fudge: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
Malfoy: I can assure you, Sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Fudge: Well, I hope so, Malfoy. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment -morale totally destroyed...by pooh-pooh!
(Chang has begun reading a Witch Weekly magazine. During the next line, she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it.)
Malfoy: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, Sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Weasley is not the spy.
Fudge: Oh? And then who the hell is?
Chang: Well, Sir, there is a man in the hospital with a pronounced limp and a very suspicious look about him. And I saw a brief glimpse of his left arm; it looked like he had the Dark Mark. It must be him. It's obvious.
Malfoy: Obvious, but wrong. It's not him.
Fudge: And why not?
Malfoy: Because, Sir, not even Voldemort would be stupid enough field a spy with the Dark Mark in plain view.
Chang: Well then, who is it?
Malfoy: Well, it's perfectly simple. It's you.
Chang: (Gasps; stands.) Draco!
Malfoy: (Calling as he stands.) Goyle!
(Goyle enters, pointing a wand at Chang.)
Fudge: (Stands.) Explain yourself, Malfoy, before I have you punished for being rude to a lady!
Malfoy: Well, Sir, the first seeds of suspicion were sown when Lieutenant Crabbe unwittingly revealed that she helped him write his letters. Do you deny, Healer Chang, that you helped Lieutenant Crabbe with his letters?
Chang: No, I did, but--
Malfoy: My suspicions were confirmed when she showed no anger towards Voldemort, or as she refers to him, the Dark Lord, for the murder of the man she loved.
Chang: Oh, Draco, how could you? After all we've been through. I thought there was something beautiful between us. I thought you...loved me.
Malfoy: Nah...Take her away, Goyle.
(Goyle leads Chang out at wandpoint.)
Fudge: Well, good work, Malfoy. Now I've got to arrange for a Dementor's Kiss. (While Malfoy warms himself by the fire, Fudge goes to his desk and picks up some floo powder.)
(Smith, in uniform, hobbles in. Weasley runs up from behind.)
Weasley: Watch out, Sir! (Jumps on Smith, taking out his wand.)
Fudge: Weasley, what on Earth do you think you're doing?
Weasley: I'll tell you exactly what I am doing, Sir. I'm doing what Malfoy should have done three weeks ago, Sir.
Fudge: What?
Weasley: This is the guilty man!
Fudge: Weasley, you're hysterical.
Weasley: No, Sir! No, I'm not, Sir! I'll ask him outright: Are you a spy?
Smith: Yes, I am a spy!
Weasley: You see, Sir?!
Fudge: Well, of course he's a spy, Weasley -- a Hogwart's spy! This is Brigadier Sir Severus Snape (Smith (Now Snape) removes his moustache and stands up straight, showing that he in fact doesn't limp at all.), the finest spy in the Hogwart's army!
Weasley: B-but he can't be, Sir; he, he doesn't-I mean back in school he…
Fudge: This, Weasley, is the man who told us that there was a Death Eater spy in the hospital in the first place.
Weasley: Ah.
Fudge: Right. Well, that's that, then. Malfoy...
Malfoy: Yes, Sir?
Fudge: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Malfoy: Thank you, Sir.
Fudge: Weasley...
Weasley: Yes, Sir?
Fudge: You are a complete arse.
Weasley: Thank you, Sir.
Fudge: Right, Severus, let's arrange the Dementor's Kiss.
(Fudge and Snape leave. Crabbe enters.)
Crabbe: Sir, what the devil is going on? I've just seen Healer Chang being led away to a Dementor's Kiss!
Malfoy: Healer Chang is the spy, Crabbe.
Crabbe: What? Y-- Impossible!
Malfoy: Afraid so.
Crabbe: Well, cover me with eggs and flour and bake me for forty minutes. Who'd have thought it, eh? Healer Chang, a spy...Ker! Oh well, lots of exciting stuff to put into my next letter to my Uncle Hermann the Death Eater...
Malfoy: Sorry?
Crabbe: Those letters I've been writing in the hospital, to my Death Eater uncle.
Weasley: New information, Malfoy...?
Malfoy: Crabbe...
Crabbe: Oh, yes, well, I know there's a war on, but family is family, and old Uncle Hermie does so love to be kept abreast of what's going on. I even wrote and told him about old walrus-face Fudge and his smelly old shirts!
Weasley: Would you like me to tell this one to the general, Malfoy, or would you enjoy that very special moment?
(They race out, leaving Crabbe bewildered behind.)
THE END