He felt he was lying on his stomach on something rugged and cold against his skin. He blinked and pushed himself up, looking around to see where he was. There was only darkness surrounding him. The man panicked and tripped over his foot. He fell and landed on his face back in the dirt.
"Auch! Dam!" he rubbed his sore nose as he carefully pulled back on his feet.
How did he got here?
The last thing he remebered was sitting on his chair staring at the smouldering flames from his fireplace and enjoyng a brandy glass, while listening classical music and mentaly cursing Gatchaman for buttkicking him in their last duel.
While groping and staggering around ( he didn't figure he was moving in circle) Helm spotted a reddish light not very far ahead and headed towards it. As he closed, he noticed it was coming from a cave entrance. A very creepy cave. He snorted at the hellions sculpted in the rock. The cave certainly didn't look friendly and he wasn't sure whether to enter or not but at least it was lightened. Sort of. So he stepped inside. The ground inside was grainy and hot and it screeched his bare foot. It was now he figured he is bare foot. He looked at himself in the dim light and noticed he was wearing a torn, tattered knee-length robe. Now how he'd got in that thing? It wasn't his usual attire.
" Your permis!"
He looked up to see a tall, lanky silhouette few meters from him.
" Permis?"
" Ya, we don't take everyone here! Last time they sent a dude from the upper section and Big Boss really made a fuss. "
Helm blinked confused. What permis he was talking about? Didn't this man knew who he was?
" I am Count Egobossler and….."
The man cut him rudely.
"Damn, not another one!" he muttered for himself
"Nope, you're not from the upper section, they sent you well. But still I have too see you permis. It's the protocol…."
"But I have no permis….."
His interlocutor sighed, as he munched a stick. Helm noticed his very shinning teeth. He could swear the man have fangs.
" Look on your left palm!"
Helm did as told and saw terrified that there was a skull-like mark made with the hot iron.
The other came closer and Helm drew a step back. This man gave him the creeps.
"Who are you? And where the Hell I am?
The man gave a low chuckle, that sounded more like an animal snarl.
"You can call me Mephisto, as for the second….you've just answered it."
In that dim hellish light he noticed he had no shadow and there was something coiling behind him
He had a look at the marking on Helm's hand and let a whistle.
"Uhuh, you're in the special section. You've starting to dwindle lately."
With that he grabbed Helm's arm and yanked him after on the tangled corridors.
Helm tried desperately to pry the man's hand, better said claw, from his. As they passed on a more lightened passage he had the chance to see his keeper's face.
And screamt in horror as he saw the devil's red wrinkled full of swellig pustules visage.
Mephisto rolled his yellow cat slitted eyes in annoyance. Damn mortals all reacted that way!
" See you when you'll be four thousands old." He muttered grumpily 'Sides, you don't look that good Blue boy."
"Let me go!"
He wailled desperatly and gripped a rock from the walls in attempt to halt their advance. Mephisto snorted.
" You really don't wannna piss Swoody of , pal "
Swoody who's this now? Another monster? He felt the rock he was holding started to torpid and coil around his palm.
"Aaaargh!!"
He withdrew his hand just as the snake was ready to take a bite. It hissed in frustration and lunged forwards at Helm. Mephisto whack it in the head and it coiled back.
" Dam, it Swoody, everybody's hungry! Can't you wait your turn?"
" Jusssst a bit. Bossss haven't fed me in agesssss."
" Complain to the Syndicate! "
Helm trembled in fear and hid behind Mephisto. He instantly scream and back off when the devil turned his ugly face to him and yank him further. He dreaded to ask where they were going. Just hoped he won't meet any hungry creature along the way.
The passage was going down and they reached a huge hall with a lava pool where red tailed devils roasted the sinners.
Helm recognised Kempler and some of his former subbordinates roasting in the tar. They obviously weren't comfortably on those grills but seeing the one who got them there must have made them feel better and all started to laugh maniacally.
" Good to see you here, Count!" Kempler shouted.
"Yeah, we have free places in the pot! You and your arrogance will stay a bit crammed through! "
Helm would have shouted them back a wit if he weren't so will scared. He slowly turned to Mephisto .
" You're going to put me here?" His voice had never been so weak.
" Nah, that's for commoners. 'Told you you're in the special section."
Special section? Meaning worse then being fried in a tar pot? Helm shivered and went pale blue at the thought.
Mephisto hauled him further on the Hell's passages. Now the path went up. They reached another level, that Helm supposed it's for the less sinfuls. There was a pit bellow where devils poked the guity ones with sharp forks and mocked at them.
Helm snickered at what he saw. His father and half-brother were down there growling at a little reddish hellion that stuck all his three tongues at them. They looked up at him angrily and mutterd something Helm didn't wanted to know, and he couldn't retain to wave at them.
" What a sweet family reunion!"
" Huh? "
" Ya know, the Hell is full of you Egobosslers" And with that he showed him some distant members of the family labouring in the pit bellow.
" As I said all Egobosslers were scumbags and this gotta be running through the family but you were worse than all of those together by far!"
Helm was confused now. He stared uncaringly at his relatives down there, who obviously wanted him to join them, and then realised that this is waiting for him too. Or maybe worse.
" What…… what are you going to do with me? " he sniveled as they reached to the metal gates of what seem to be a huge elevator. Mephisto slammed him in and pressed the up button. Helm curled to a corner, trying to avoid the devil's red gaze. A lot of scary possibilities passed through his head. He heard so many folk stories about Hell….. He had been a bad man , he admitted. He didn't prayed, didn't go to church, cursed on Sundays, killed few millions….. His teeth stated chattering at the thought of possible punishments. None of them pleasant.
They elevator stopped an the doors opened with a beep.
" Here we are."
"Noo. I don't want to the frying pool. Mamaaaa!"
Mephisto sighed as he hauled up the wailing blue man and pushed him forward.
" Ohh, don't be such a moma's boy!"
Helm squized his eyes shut not daring to see where he was being dragged. He supposed it was gruesome. Strangely he couldn't detect anymore the smell of burned flesh.
Mephisto halted and turned to him
"That's it!"
Helm slowly opened one eye, than another, blinking at the sight. It was in front of a wooden double door. He gulped imagining what could be behind it. Something scary, for sure.
Mephisto pushed it open and Helm's jaw dropped at what he saw. God have mercy of him, not even in his worse nightmares he imagined such a horrible sight.
" Noooo! Please…. I don't deserve that… "
" I know. But we couldn't figure something worse."
With that he pushed Egobossler in the room.
Condor stood lazily in his spinning armchair reading Racer's Digests as he threw a feather shuriken at Katze who was bound by wall in the bull's eye center. And Condor never missed.
Helm cringed at the mutant's anguished screams.
In a corner the Eagle and dr. Pandora were trying to make a bound Gel Sadra to swallow a forkful of Jun's cooking. Since the poor villainess wouldn't open the mouth, Ken bashed her in the headwith a spoon.
" Auuuch!"
Pandora seized the opportunity to shove the food in her mouth. Sadra turned green and spit it out on Ken's immaculate white wings.
The Eagle freak up.
"Ok, you're gonna eat two more bowls for that!"
"Nooo!" piped Sadra's high pitched weenie.
Helm felt his knees were failing him. He turned to Mephisto (who didn't seem so hidious as before)
"Can I go back?... Please….."
The devil shook his head.
"Where is my lemonade?"
The yell made everyone turn their heads to Jun, who sat reclined on a lounge chair.
"Duh!" Mepisto handed Helm a tray with the requested beverage.
"Hurry up, you don't wanna piss her off more. She's really grumpy when she has PMS!"
He eyed the tray and carefully approached the Swan, as she was going to jump at his throat. Well, she tried it before.
Jun snatched the glass from the trail and took a sip not even bothering to look up at Helm.
" I asked for a masseur too!" she shouted angrily at Mephisto.
"What is he doing here?" she stared disdainfully at Helm as she swirled her lemonade.
Mephy sighed. Women!
" That's the deal, girl. One villain at your disposition for eternity."
Helm made a face. He was going to be Swan's servant forever? He took a look at the darts stuck in Katze's bottom then at Gel Sadra rubbing the bumps from head. Whoever thought of this punishment must've had a screwy imagination.
"Oh, by the way, it was Nambu 's idea!" Mephisto told him.
Damn this man. If he could only kill him twice.
Ryu and Jinpei took a break from their Nintendo game. Ryu was suspecting Jinpei of cheating as this was the fourth "Bash the Alien" game he'd lost. Well, it was hard to hand the joystick and stuff your mouth with hamburgers at the same time. Besides Jinpei was a fan of Nintendo's and had more joystick practice. The game was made by dr. Nambu, and Ryu suspected Jinpei hacked in the doctor's computer and stole the cheat codes.
He snorted as he gulped down his fifth hamburger in the last ten minutes. Everyone ignored Sosai's desperate bouncings against the display as the cibernetic attackers threw plasma bolts at him.
Jinpei came next to Joe and reach for a dart.
"Hands off kiddo. This is mine."
" Oh, c'mon aniki, I want to pock Katze. Just once…"
Condor remained insensitive at the boy's puppy stare. Katze whimpered on the wall. This was almost as humilliating as buttkissing Sosai back when he was alive. His own butt hurt now from all those darts.
To the mutant's despair, Condor grinned and pulled a new set of shurikens, aiming at the bull's eye center.
Jinpei pouted. Even in heaven he was still being treated like a brat.
Ken had Gel Sadra, Joe had Katze, Jun had Egobossler, Ryu… well Ryu was content with his burgers. But he got nothing. He was bored of bashing goons and that Sosai game wasn't as funny as messing with a living villain. Well sort of . Because now they were in the afterlife.
" I want my villain!" He shouted boldly at the red devil.
" Speak with Big Boss for complainings, kid!"
Dam, even in the afterlife everyone still called him that. He felt like hitting a certain devil with his
yo-yo.
" Watch, it kid. The Hell is ten levels bellow."
" Who's this Big Boss you're taliking?"
Tatsunoko's head popped out from a cloud.
" Who dares to disturb me?"
"Aaa, I am Swallow Jinpei the Great and I……"
" What is it, kid?"
Jinpei balled his fists. He was going to rip the head off to the next idiot who calls him that way.
" I want my villian!"
" We ran out them. If you'd have lasted more than three series, maybe you'd had yours. "
" Hey we gave top audience. And all those Voltron and Tekkaman you've done after us… I deserve that much!"
"Look, I'm busy kido! These series take time to do!"
Tatsunoko's head dissapeared before Jinpei's yo-yo hit the cloud.
Mephisto watched the five teenagers. So those were the Earth's last hope. Tatsunoko better finds a more original plot, or the Holly Audience will drop to Hell.
"Ahem, I go back now!"
" I'm coming with you!" Heaven was pretty dull, he surely will have more fun in Hell, Jinpei thought.
Helm watched the scene jaw-dropped. He didn't knew whether to be scared or to burst into hysterical laughter.
Jun was annoyed she didn't got her masseur. Her muscles ached from all those goons she kicked. This was the last contract she'll ever sign with Tatsunoko.Ltd.
" You!"
He turned to Jun.
" Rub my back!"
Helm gaped in shock. He thought he had misheard her. However, Jun looked pretty pouty and he knew she could beat the Hell out of him in no time. Ah well, how bad could it be?
He reached for her back, his fingers knitting the Swan's tensed muscles. Her skin felt warm and soft under her thin silken blouse. He moved his hand slowly, from the back of her neck downwards, feeling the curves of her body beneath the fabric. She let go a contented purr.
Helm smiled to himself, as his hands advanced to her waist, rubbing her back in a circular pattern. He could get used to be her servant for eternity.
A husky voice disturbed him.
"Count Egobossler?... Count?!... Sir?
He opened his eys and blinked several times, looking up at his valet. He looked around and was greeted by the familiar sight of his bedroom. Than he looked down at his left palm. No mark on his flesh. He sighed with relef.
Helm realised he was in a quite undignified pose, in his sleeping clothes, on the floor, with the pillow hugged tightly in his arms.
That explained the man's questioning stare.
He rised up running a hand through his tousled white shock. His clothes were in dissaray, and he supposed he was quite a mess.
" What is it Andre?"
The man handed him a folder with the red Gallactor insignia on it.
" The report from Easthern fronts, from Commander Kempler, sir."
Egobossler nodded and dissmised the servant. He didn't wanted to read it, he supposed that incompetent fool had lost yet another battle with the local forces and was requesting reinforcements.
Later, after he dressed up and had his usually morning drinks he skinned through it. The news were worse than he had expected. Science Ninja Team had destroyed one of the most important strongholds on Alps, along with the Iron Beast Sosai provided him last week. His troops were fleeing from the ISO's forces, who advanced steadily towards their new location. Three of Gallactor's legions had perished in the battle.
Helm felt his head starting to throbble only thinking at the lecture he was going to receive from the alien.
The folder had attached some pictures of the gatchaman Team, taken during the fight. His gaze lingered over those of the Swan, especially over the panty shots.
" EEEEGOBOSSLEEEEER!!! REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATELY!"
He cringed at Sosai's thundering voice as he rised from the armchair, and went to the secret trap that led to the alien's body.
This was going to be a long day. Helm groaned inwardly and wished he could go back to sleep.